The deficient identity

The deficient identity is the complement of the ego ideal.

Our Superego tells us that we should be certain ways That is our ego ideal. It also tells us that we shouldn’t feel and be certain ways, that is our deficient identity.

What we’re striving for, we are comfortable with in a certain sense, it’s what should be, so were conscious of it.

We tend to be conscious of ourselves in the pursuit of our ideal.

The parts of ourselves that were not supposed to be, that were not supposed to experience, that we’re not supposed to have in our reality in anyway because they’re somehow bad and very painful, those parts are repressed. They become unconscious.

So a human being is generally walking around conscious of their ego ideal, in pursuit of it, and unconscious of a deeper self, not the ultimate self, but still a deeper self than the ego ideal. This is the deficient identity.

So there’s a large split in people between their self that is conscious and their self that is unconscious. The person’s one overall self is split, in a sort of good/bad way, above/below way, conscious/unconscious way.

The unconscious self or the deficient identity tends to be split multiple ways itself, as we examined in the super ego series. A common split is a need self and an anti-need self. But without going into the infinite variations, what they have in common is a sense of deficiency, sense of pain across the board: identity pain, emotional pain, physical pain, a sense of unworthiness, lack, self lack and so on.

Separation, isolation and emptiness are common themes and experienced many ways for example feeling separate from others, separate from oneself, separate from the source of things.

All of this shares the quality of deficiency or something wrong about it, that’s why it’s not confronted, it somehow bad and lacking.

A big part of the spiritual journeys is confronting and experiencing this identity. It’s deeper than the ego ideal. It’s more stuck than ego ideal, because it is unconscious.

No one wants to admit this self for fear that they are it or exposing themselves as it.

Confronting the deficient self is the proverbial dark night of the soul or the forest you have to find your way through to get to the holy land.

Feeling it is very intense, and right at the center is a feeling of bad self-consciousness.

This experience is mostly intolerable for people because of how big the sense of self is to people, how meaningful. It is everything. It’s one’s very self and life. And when that’s merged with bad or badness one experiences the loss of everything… oneself and everything else.

So just like you uncovered your ego ideal to whatever degree did, tonight I invite you to uncover that deficient self. What is it like? What are the feelings and flavors and thoughts for you in that? How do you experience it?

You can even look into it the splits in it, but what’s most important right now is that you confront the deficiency of it. Not try to get away from it but experience that so that it’s not avoided.

Then it seems to be what it is, which is a very painful state. It is a very painful state, a state of body and mind.  But that’s all it is, a very painful state, state of mind and body. It’s not the ultimate, it’s not forever, it’s not the true nature of the way things are, it’s a painful state.

There’s tremendous Power and Peace for a person when they are comfortable and at ease with their deficient identity. In other words: so willing to feel it and feel the pain of that state that it is strangely transcended while felt.

Immediately one knows one made the right choice in feeling it, however painful, because the there is a feeling of nourishment and uplift, a wholesomeness, that is missing an ego ideal. One begins to feel real because one is experiencing the wholeness of one’s experience.

The largest split, the split between what’s conscious and what’s unconscious is, at least somewhat, transcended.

Alicia Davon