Advanced Masculine/Feminine Dynamics 2
If we notice the opposite sex, that has an impact on how we feel. We notice something different. There’s more polarity. If we let our bodies notice it, we even feel it viscerally. If we let our hearts notice it, we feel it in our heart center. It creates that polarity and that chemistry that is often missing for people, especially as they get into a relationship and as the relationship progresses.
One of the topics that we introduced last week was this issue of women carrying the heat. Sometimes we call that appetite. We could call that turn-on. Its not like guys don’t get turned on, or the masculine doesn’t get turned on, but one of the things that we talk about is that the feminine really has this turn-on, has this appetite, and that the masculine responds to that. By the way, the feminine also responds to it. The feminine has appetite, and responds to that appetite in other women. The masculine simply responds to that appetite. There are a lot of feelings, a lot of psychology that comes up for people around this appetite, that comes up around this turn-on. It’s very held down, culturally. Women, or the feminine, often have a lot of doubt about it and feel they have got to keep it hidden. There is lots of shame, and fear.
Is it safe? I can’t be open about this, and what if I get attention I don’t want? That gets instilled very, very early, and that creates a lot of female avoidance pattern. We talked a little bit about this last week, where the feminine avoidance pattern is a little bit like being under cover. When there’s a feeling of threat, when there’s a feeling of “is this safe” or “is this okay, am I physically in danger, am I socially in danger, am I emotionally in danger, what are people going to think?” inevitably, there’s a defensiveness around that, not just avoidance, but also, anger. Any time we feel threatened as human beings, there’s anger, there’s a sharpness, to protect ourselves. This is something that plays in very deeply into masculine feminine dynamics. Hence, the appetite or the turn on is often hidden.
For a woman to contact, or for the feminine to contact that core of femininity, that attractive force (and remember we’re defining the feminine really as that which is inherently and intrinsically attractive), for the feminine to really contact that appetite, that attractive energy is a big deal. If we talk about it from a bodily perspective, it’s the chemistry, the turn-on that that people long for in their romantic connections. It’s really good to know that there are all these layers of defense around this attractive force, so that you don’t get fooled into denying it.
When you feel that stuff, don’t get fooled, understand that’s just the relationship blueprint. That’s just the conditioning. That’s the cultural and psychological overlay. We could go into the history about why that is. There are even some biological elements as to why women or the feminine would keep her turn on withdrawn.
There are ways that the sex drive can go wacky and mess things up, but then again, there are ways that all kinds of energies can go wacky and mess things up. The survival instinct can go wacky, for example. People can get very protective, and hard and domineering, or avoiding and avoidant in the name of surviving. The social instinct can go wacky, and people can become obsessed with people liking them, or popularity, or fear of rejection, and so on. It’s not just the sexual drive that is potential for developing in strange ways, or going wacky. Really, any part of ourselves or our life can.
Sex is how being creates more being, so it’s very central to human beings, really, to all animal forms. If it goes wacky, it can go very wacky, but if it gets suppressed or repressed, it can get very suppressed and repressed, and that causes all kinds of problems in itself. Sort of a chronic, sexual emotional constipation, if you will. It’s like a “tightnessedness”. You can imagine what this does to the ability to experience extended orgasm! It’s not that feeling of being at a good party and hanging loose, and you’re hanging out with your friends, and everything feels good, and you’re turned on, and you’re with your partner, and you’re dancing. There’s all this chemistry. Or you meet somebody new, and it’s like, wow, and you fall in love, and it feels good in your body, and you feel like you’re floating, and maybe sex will happen and you get excited, more alive, more juicy.
We’ve tried the tight approach and we know it doesn’t work. “I’m just not going to address this area, or not deal with it, even with my wife or my girlfriend”. That’s not a party, not love, not loving. That is not embracing life itself. People often step back from romance (while yearning for it), and that’s why I often acknowledge you for being people who don’t step back from it.
Right now, I’m especially talking about the feminine really feeling that attractive energy, really feeling that appetite. What is your relationship to your appetite? What is your relationship to your attractive force? Does it feel scary? Is there some sense of guilt or shame? To really know that you actually have to feel that and address that, and there are ways of working with that. We focus a lot on how to deal with psychological issues, so I’m not going to focus on that right now, but simply say that you really want to know that you do have to deal with that and expect it. It’s par for the course.
The masculine has another version of that. The masculine’s psychological version of that is also having fear and doubt. Usually not the same sense of endangerment, but often, the sense of shame, or I don’t know what to do here, or how does this work, or how do I turn a woman on. The masculine is often clueless. Usually, the feminine has more of a sense of what’s going on, but she’s afraid and held back. The masculine can conceal some of that fear, and hold back, but it’s largely because the masculine doesn’t really know what to do, or how to deal with that. Guys often go about romance with women in a trial and error kind of way. They’ve had difficulties in approaching women or being romantic, so there is a sense of fear and withdrawnness, because the responses that they’ve gotten have not been really what they wanted.
Last week we really emphasized acknowledging the difference between the masculine and feminine. This week, we’re emphasizing that to be in contact with that energy, for women to be in contact with her appetite, and guys to be in contact with women and their appetites, there’s a lot of psychology to feel through, and we don’t want to under-estimate that psychology. What men and women want is positive, enjoyable contact at multiple levels, the physical level, the emotional level, the mental level, and then even come together as one, in the spiritual dimension.
The bottom line for the feminine is her relationship to her appetite, her feminineness, and having a positive relationship to it. That’s the most important part. Once a woman really develops that positive contact with her femininity, then that inherent, intrinsic attractive force is the most powerful force on the planet, bar none.
For a male, or for the masculine, the bottom line on how to get in contact with that feminine energy, really, how to get with the feminine is to turn her on. It’s to turn the woman on. It’s amazing how sometimes as guys, we just don’t really approach it that way. Sometimes we approach it like we’re going to try to talk her into something or muscle her into something. All of these ways that we would go about dealing with work projects. As guys, we tend to be very good at getting from A to B in work.
Well, Romance is very different. It tends to piss women off more when they’re approached that way, because women are not an object. Our bodies are objects in a sense, but there’s beingness, consciousness there also. What works is to really step into her world, find out what she wants, and then give her that. That’s a leap of faith for a man. It’s really like trusting a woman, or trusting the feminine. That’s taboo at a certain level, especially in cultures that downplay the feminine or have a certain disregard for it. If we really look into the question “what do women want?, or “what does the feminine want?”, what she really wants is to be turned on, or appreciated as a woman. These are actually the same thing. Appreciating her as a woman, perceiving her, as we talked about last week, is really the same thing as turning her on. When you acknowledge what she is as the feminine, you’re acknowledging that attractive force. When something is acknowledged, it increases. Just by sheer virtue of being noticed approvingly that way, women get turned on.
Turning her on is really about giving her what she wants. What does she want? To be seen as a woman, which turns her on. It’s a very direct path, but it’s not usually the way that guys approach it. If we know, okay, turning her on is where it’s at, and giving her what she wants, and if they’re both the same thing, the okay, I want to turn her on in a way that she wants to be turned on, or in a way that works for her, a way that takes Into account where she is in her psychology and her pacing, and what restaurant she likes to go to, and the kind of candle that she likes lit, the vanilla, and the kind of environment, and so on.
All of these things actually make a difference. I remember, a woman came over to my house, and she looked at my bed, and she said, “Great bed. Looks a little stark. Women like a lot of pillows.” I bought a whole bunch of pillows for my bed, and it worked. It was one of those really simple things. Women often like a lot of pillows, and It’s comfortable, and all that, never would have occurred to me as a guy. It also worked, because it got me oriented that way. My point is that as men, when we start to organize ourselves and orient ourselves that way, it’s like flowing with the river, instead of trying to swim upstream.
I want to be clear. I’m not talking about some kind of passivity or being a doormat, because that wouldn’t really be very masculine. Masculine is a very active force. Yang, yin and yang. In Taoist philosophy, the Yin has a certain all encompassing quality to it, a very deep depth, and the masculine has got a certain active quality to it, an engaged quality to it. One of the things that the feminine or the yin likes, is that active, engaged quality in the masculine. We could say the strong quality of the masculine. The feminine only likes that when it’s in the direction of what she wants. One of the things that women like is… strong guys.
You may have noticed, ladies, that when I talked about the feminine, I talked about having a positive relationship to your appetite. A positive relationship to your appetite is like being turned on, feeling good about that, enjoying that, noticing that any moment in time there is some of that turn on, even if it’s just a little bit. Really what I said was the same for the feminine and the masculine, but it’s a different approach, for the feminine it’s really approving of that part and dealing with all the psychology in the way of it, and for the masculine, it’s really about paying attention to her, and really giving her what she wants and really turning her on. Ultimately that’s really what she wants. The feminine likes being attractive, and the masculine can really support that.