Real Life #5 – Layers of the mind


Everyone’s relationship blueprint has multiple depths to it:when things are going well, when they are not, what’s being avoided underneath the defensive layers and so on. We will explore all these layers in order from most superficial to deepest, as well as our Real Selves at the center.

Success strategy – when things are going well, but it is still a compensation for what is felt as missing in oneself and one’s life. This looks like the softy, meany, avoider and inflated ways of being when they are successful and working for the individual. For example, kind, leader, independent, confident… But not really! When a person is existing here they are superficial and “successful”.

We call this the “shiny defense” or the success strategy

Losing hustle – when things are not going well, when the success strategy is not working. One grabs the bad to grab anything. Looks like complaining (no potential mates are ever available, no one loves me, I’m too fat, etc). One gets at least some solid and positive self-sense even though it is pain oriented. It is a last ditch effort to avoid the looming sense of emptiness that underlies the personality. It is ego using authentic pain inauthentically.

We call this the “angry defense” or the losing hustle

Intolerable loss and emptiness – based in beliefs that what one needs is missing (love, care, joy, etc.) These qualities of reality were projected on circumstances and circumstances didn’t come through, so these qualities of reality are felt to be missing. The ego forms around that sense of lack. The super ego (parents incorporated) is the most influential part of the new ego structure. It’s primary job is to keep the individual alive and psychologically organized by avoiding this intolerable loss and emptiness and the death and lack of functional ability that seems to await one here.

Authentic pain – painful, yes, but it always feels good to feel this authentic pain because it is real! Authentic pain can only be felt to the degree that the ego is absent. The experience here is that deep healing feeling and a return to oneself.

Reality in all its qualities – love, bliss, strength, will, clarity, peace, etc. This is reality and our Real Self.

Alicia Davon