How to pick someone up – Part 3 – Psychological & Social dynamics
This is very advanced material.
How many people have a real understanding of what is actually going on psychologically within themselves and the people they are interacting with? What is that worth to you? What could you do with that?
The most useful skill in drawing someone (anyone from a stranger to your spouse) toward you is to understand and function well in the psychological and social dynamics of the group/person you’ve approached and play just barely faster than them. That means being present and being on top without being a dominant jerk. Unjustified arrogance rates as one of the most repulsive qualities a person can possess. In other words, real power and real understanding are required.
You’ve got to be attuned to that person or group and know what is going on. Who’s in charge? Why? Are they bored? Are they wound up?… and so on. If you were going to drive a car you’d probably want to know if it’s a Ferrari or a truck.
Picking someone up means you are driving, you are leading. As we’ve covered previously, you can do that from a masculine or feminine position. Ideally both sexes are doing it simultaneously, and because it is done differently by each sex they don’t clash! Regardless, if you do your part well, odds are strong they’ll get in step.
Crucial to attuning yourself or calibrating yourself to someone is putting your thoughts aside and paying attention to them. Notice them and you’ll be surprised at the information you get. With that information a woman can direct her energetic charms (turn on, body language, etc.) far more effectively. For example, if she gathers that he is kind of wound up and distracted she might stand closer to him than she normally would and flash him (sexy eye contact) more strongly.
Males usually use the gathered information to lead the conversation more effectively. He has tremendous power if he knows what is going on with her. This is known in the social sciences as knowing the person’s “frame” (like ‘frame of reference’). It is the filter through which they perceive the current situation.
The goal is to create ‘frame resonance’, in other words to have her ‘frame’ resonate with yours. This grants you connection and great influence. There are 4 verbal ways to create frame resonance and although both sexes use them, they are the bread and butter for a man picking up a woman.
- Frame bridging: create a connection between two ideas (often fixes a logistical issue): “I’m glad you want to see my pet rock collection, my car is around the corner.”
- Frame amplification: really step into her viewpoint: “Yes, it would be terrible to sleep with someone without being connected!… I’m glad we’re connecting.”
- Frame extension – stretch her frame to connect it with yours: “your passion for detail is exactly what it takes for me to be a good artist/doctor…”
- Frame transformation – stitch together your and her frames at some future point and then bring it back to the present: “One day I hope to really be able to commit like you want me to; it’s really what I want in my heart, even now.”
Women can ‘grab’ a man’s frame with the tremendous power of her turn on and potential for sensual contact. She’ll use the above verbal methods intuitively, but her sex is her greatest asset. I call it the ‘biological imperative’. Within seconds of meeting, any man and woman have totally evaluated the other sexually. If she is pressing “go” sexually, she has his attention, no matter what their relationship is! If she does want the interaction to proceed, the verbal maneuvers described above can be very helpful in handling concerns or viewpoints that he might have.
Hexing is another key psychological tool available to you. It is a type of teasing or dominance play where you confirm somebody’s self-doubt. For example if you know someone has an issue about the car they drive, you might say, “so did you drive the old clunker here?” The purpose is to have fun in a teasing way. You can also accomplish putting yourself on top in the interaction and steering them (in this case, perhaps to buy a new car). It is not an insult! If you buy into their self-doubt it is an insult. Unfortunately, people usually are insulting the person when they try to tease or hex them because they actually believe there is something wrong with that person (or their car). It’s easy to overdo it and use hexing in a defensive, hostile or arrogant way. Then it’s not a good hex and will backfire leaving you hexed!
Because sex is such a charge-y subject, women are walking hexes for men (and for themselves). If a man can learn to hex well, he gains a big edge in his pick up game because women like a guy who can steer.
Now, let’s address one of the most important things you need to know about your psychology and the learning process. This applies to learning most things, not just picking someone up. There are stages in learning. The first stage of picking a goal is usually very exciting. The next stage is a bitch. Let’s call it the Klutz stage. You put ten in and get one out. It’s full of failure. The mood of it is like being in an emergency room: you are rushing around trying to see what is going on and stop the bleeding! This is where most people quit.
If you keep going and intelligently make corrections you will succeed. That is the secret of getting over the hump: Keep immersing yourself and making corrections. The later stages in the learning process are about success and enhancement. They are relatively fun, creative and interesting, and your results accelerate exponentially. Don’t stop at the Klutz stage… or you end up living there!