How to pick someone up – Part 2 – Key points & common mistakes


Now you know the basic 8 steps of picking someone up: center, approach, open, engage, bond, sensualize, transition and close. You also know that your constant critic and its potentially paralyzing effect is the greatest obstacle. The biggest obstacle is internal and not your skill level.

So let’s go back to the beginning and look at what state works to engage and meet people. When you get centered and intentional about picking someone up, what is the state that you are in? I call that state being “On”. The state of being “On” is characterized most importantly by extroversion. 

Extroverts meet way more people than introverts. I am an introvert who can turn it “On”. Most people are extremely introverted around meeting people and picking someone up, but don’t have to be. In other words, you can turn it “On”.

High-ish energy is also critical to being “On”. You want to be just barely higher energy than the people/person that you are approaching. Energy is a real issue for people. People can be so withdrawn, shut down and afraid around romantic sensual interaction that the body is left in a depressed low energy state…, which of course can be depressing itself! A negative attitude or speaking negatively will also kill the positive energy required to achieve sensual liftoff. The good news is that energy is largely a function of positive engagement and participation. I have been blown away by how my body revitalizes when I engage positively with people. By coming out of hiding, your energy will increase. If you truly engage you will find reserves of energy and enthusiasm that you didn’t know you had.

Confidence, being interesting and interested are the other criteria of the state of “On”. You’ve got to be interesting. The worst way of being interesting is trying to impress people. The best way is to understand and function well in the psychological and social dynamics of the group or person you’ve approached and play just barely faster than them. That means being present and being on top without obviously being dominant.

Now, let’s make the whole process of picking someone up a whole lot easier for you. We’ll address guys first then women. Instead of trying to pick someone up, simply learn to engage people. This works especially well for guys who usually do the actual approaching. It makes confidence so much easier. Take an indirect approach, it is easier, and in most cases it is a bad idea to hit on a woman right away before she has given some clue that she wants to be hit on. Guys, you have much more control over escalating the interaction sensually once you are in the interaction. You’ve got topics to choose from, teasing, suggestive language, and flirtation, to name a few.

Women, on the other hand, will usually benefit more by keeping the sensual motor humming and sending turned on cues toward guys they are interested in, especially if you get good at directing that turned on energy specifically and not randomly. Switching to simply engaging people (vs. pick them up) can be good and make things easier for some women, but you lose the massive edge that sending turn on brings you.

Women often ask us what they can do and are concerned that they are in a more passive position. The opposite is true. Here are several ways you can send those signals and cues.

The 13 most common courtship gestures for women as listed by Barbara and Allen Pease in their book “The Definitive Book of Body Language” are:

  1. Head toss/hair flick – exposing the armpit
  2. Wetting her lips and pouting – mouth slightly open
  3. Self touching – caressing almost any body part
  4. Limp wrist – enables the man to feel dominant
  5. Fondling cylindrical object (wine glass, pulling a ring off and on a finger)
  6. Exposed wrists – delicate skin exposure
  7. Sideways glance over raised shoulder – mimics peeping
  8. Rolling hips – highlights pelvic region
  9. Pelvic tilt – highlights waist to hip ratio
  10. Placing handbag (or other personal item) near the man – an extension of the body and sign of intimacy
  11. The knee point – one leg tucked under and knee pointed to whoever she is most interested in, exposes thigh
  12. Shoe fondle – dangling shoe on end of foot – shows relaxed attitude and phallic effect of thrusting in and out
  13. Leg twine – draws attention to legs, crossing and uncrossing and stroking her thigh draws attention and demonstrates wanting to be touched

In our research we have found flashing him to be the most effective courtship gesture. This means a coquettish and often submissive glance, where a woman feels her sex and transmits that sexual energy via the eyes. Usually the head is down, looking up and him and she is smiling. Then she looks away. Simply prolonging eye contact, especially with a smile is another variation that works wonders. You can go full on by prolonging eye contact, gazing intensely, while feeling your pussy and giving a slight nod before looking away. The best advice we can give women is to make your intentions obvious. Guys are generally slow. Smile. Feel your pussy. Use the body gestures. Especially, look at him with prolonged eye contact. And lastly, don’t be afraid to place your body near him. With these tools you won’t need to initiate the conversation, he will.

Both sexes should dress well to pick someone up, but this translates differently for each sex. Men should dress up, sharp, with a slight edge, say a great belt buckle, but nothing too far out unless the situation invites it. Women should dress sexy to pick someone up. Remember the number one cue males are responding to is the possibility of sensual contact, even above societal stereotypes of looks.

Being in a group makes picking someone up much easier for both men and women. You demonstrate more social value when with a group… they know you have friends. People also tend to feel much more confident in a group. Pick people who are fun and on board with you meeting people. They should be as into being fabulous and successful meeting people as you are. Remember going out with them is not a time for processing/sharing deep emotional issues. You both/all must be aligned in attracting men or woman. Be careful some people have the opposite agenda! Have a clear plan for how you will all handle it if one or more wants to go home with someone. Support each other vs. being competitive; there are plenty of fish in the sea. A group of turned on women in a social environment will attract attention.

A few last points for women: If you are bored in a conversation, don’t stay in it. If, on the other hand, you are into him, feel free to compliment him. Guys usually understand this, especially if there is a little touch or coquettish eye contact added.

If you are in a couple already, then the obvious best place to practice these tools are with your partner. Some couples like to pick people up as a pair or independently. This can be a lot of fun, but is usually done from the wrong starting place. It only feels good, and is usually only successful, if the woman is driving it. It is sleazy when a guy tries to drive it. In these cases the guy doesn’t have the skills to fill the woman up sensually and in all other ways in the relationship, or the woman is so closed down that the guy is desperate.

Unfortunately, most “polyamorous” relationships start from this place of not being satisfied with one’s partner and trying to fill the gap with someone else. Relationship skills, sex skills and learning to pick up one’s partner are what are required for these men and women. Most couples prefer to focus on each other exclusively sexually and most of the ones that don’t aren’t actually qualified to open the relationship.

Alicia Davon