Accessing Self Worth
The less rigid and the more flexible the ego individuality is, the more permeable it is to Being and its resources like essential states and energy (happiness, clarity, vitality, value, and so on).
With a normal ego structure one feels good occasionally, but largely feels inadequate, most of all of the time because one is separated from Being and it’s resources. Inadequacy is fundamental to ego, both in a sense of lack of capability and lack of self worth.
People feel inadequate because of the their belief and investment in their ego structure, which is itself inadequate. Ego is largely the response to childhood feelings of incapability and worthlessness, which are inevitable in certain phases of childhood. Ego is made of or resistances, closures, fear triggered reactive patterns, erroneous beliefs and so on… all of which one identifies with! The ego mechanism feels inadequate and hopeless, largely because it is inadequate and there is no hope for it.
The more severe and/or chronic any historical trauma there is, then the greater the experience of the intensity of the sense of inadequacy and hopelessness, built upon the fundamental inadequacy of the ego to start with. Historical trauma multiplies ego’s feeling of fundamental inadequacy.
All of the inadequacy, from basic ego inadequacy to historical material, is usually projected onto one’s current circumstance: friends, job, body, etc. One’s love and sex life are particularly painful because of their importance. Inadequacy in these areas is very painful; hence these areas tend to be especially ignored (stuffed unconscious).
It is of utmost importance to experience the state fully, which means feeling it in the body instead of thinking about it. If one truly feels how inadequate one feels it can easily feel excruciating and feel intolerable. The center of the body can feel very empty, weak, incapable, insufficient, tired, etc and all these feelings feel like oneself.
Experiencing the inadequacy directly can also turn out to be quite relieving, actually. It is the key to dissolving the ego because it is the egos most basic feeling or affect. Everything makes sense; one feels one self immediately in the heart. The center of experience shifts downwards. One tenderly feels into all the shades of one’s sense of inadequacy: fear, insecurity, hurt, sense of wrongness, loneliness, etc.
Strangely it is feeling that inadequacy, permitting the experience of it, bringing it out of the unconscious, facing it, telling the truth about it, and acknowledging that it is in fact there, that relieves us of it. That is the cauldron within which we awaken.
Letting oneself fall apart, disappear, feel empty and blank… basically die experientially is actually the correct direction. The ego does actually die in this process. Who one has been does die and does feel like it is dying. One disappears; it can feel like falling asleep.
Of course, this is the opposite direction we are inclined toward. Death is not a particular favorite of ours in terms of experiences we like related to ourselves. It is counter intuitive for the ego to acknowledge these feelings.
To Being, it is natural because these feelings of inadequacy, falling apart, even death, because they are in fact there. Tenderness often arises and the breath can deepen and feel more nourishing, as the resources of being support this feeling through, letting go, and sense of disappearing.
After one’s sense of oneself, one’s ego sense, disappears, then one reawakens in open space… a great space with all the resources and qualities of Being.
During this open feeling Being is usually surprised and scared by how far it has fallen, but without hesitation opens to feel what is in fact there. Being knows that what is there ultimately is itself and the absolute. Being has total faith, love, trust in whatever it finds because it knows what is there fundamentally. It’s own heart.
The perfect antidote to ego’s sense of inadequacy arises… a sense of power, truth and will, is a fundamental set of qualities that arises in response to feeling the inadequacy one feels when identified with ego. These set of qualities can be realized any where from momentarily to permanently, depending on the level of receptivity of the practitioner and the depth one felt to.