The need for being taken care of



The need to be taken care of is deeply felt by every human being.  It spans everything from our survival needs as children to our need to be seen and acknowledged to our need to have someone else assume responsibility for things so that we can relax.

Unfortunately, when we need it most as children, this need is usually not fully met.  So as adults we have our normal needs of interdependence, acknowledgement, being seen and so on, plus a sense of unmet childhood needs which carry over into adulthood.

After 20 years of supporting singles and couples in thir relationships I can tell you this is what causes most relationship problems: disguised versions of “You are not taking care of me”.  Relationships turn into a reflection of early childhood patterns with parents.  The parent is projected onto one’s current partner along with a sense of not being taken care of.

The most important thing we can do to resolve this situation is to feel and understand the need directly.  It is a fundamental human need that takes many forms throughout life.

We can do things to get this need met, and, of course, that is helpful, but what is of critical importance to our personal growth is that we get familiar with this need.  That we feel it directly with compassion and understanding… first for ourselves and then others.

Somehow when we experience this need ourselves calmly and directly it soothes and calms us, as well as opens us to receiving from others.

When unmet need is felt through fully with understanding it begins to shift to desire… then to love, where it switches to more of a giving force… then to stillness, where we transcend even our need.

Alicia Davon