Romantic Games 4: Romantic Script
Like any good movie script life scripts have sub-scripts and counter scripts. In other words, sub-plots. Sometimes those sub-plots follow the general plot and sometimes they run counter to it, at least temporarily. For example, someone with a Little House on the Prairie life script might have a wild party time in college. More than likely they will look back on that time with some version of, “I can’t believe I did those things, boy, those were wild times”, as they return to there more conservative script. Ultimately the sub plots, the fantasy life, the counter moves, and so on, will support the overall life script, even if only by providing contrast or a failed attempt to free oneself from the overall life theme. For example, Jim Morrison (of the Doors musical group) led an adult life of excess and indulgence until he died at the age of 27. His excesses were a counter move to the strict upbringing imposed on him by his father. But, ultimately being hard on himself dominated his life until the end because he was always in the mode of avoiding domination. Socially he was indulgent, but psychologically he was very hard on himself. So counter moves are not the same as freeing oneself from one’s life script.
A person’s romantic script tends to be the most dominant sub-plot in the life script and will often match the overall theme of the life script, although it doesn’t have to. The romantic script dominates all of the other sub-scripts in a person’s life by its sheer importance. A person’s work life script may get more conscious attention but that is because the romantic script is so set in stone, so unconscious, that it rarely even occurs to people to address it directly. In other words, things are just going that way… unconsciously. It has a feeling of pre-destiny, even if at a surface level we are fighting that destiny.
Knowing your life script, that future we feel thrown to compulsively, is the best clue to discovering your romantic script. Are we afraid of the world? or trying to dominate it? or appease it? or get revenge? or any other of the mythical themes we live out psychologically? Whether we are playing the good boy/girl or Frankenstein, we are probably doing the same romantically. Even if we are doing the opposite, the good boy trying to be macho or Frankenstein trying to hide his inner Frankenstein, the life script and romantic script will be somehow complementary.
To distinguish your romantic script in more detail inquire and observe how you move through the stages of relationship. The stages as we define them are:
- Meeting someone romantically (seduction, picking someone up, and so on)
- Dating or the new and exciting stage (which involves having fun, being turned on and turning the other person on)
- Boyfriend/Girlfriend or best friends and lovers stage (which emphasizes abilities like being vulnerable, good communication, sexual skills, and lifestyle design)
- Soulmate or Eternal Date stage (spiritual development opens us to this the holy grail of relationship. This stage involves abilities such as cherishing, commitment and sexual expertise)
Your actual romantic life and feelings about it are a print-out of your romantic script. You are looking for the script or code that explains how your romantic life turned out and is likely to turn out, including and especially your feelings about it. In fact, your feelings about your romantic life (the real feelings, not necessarily polite talk at thanksgiving dinner) are a real clue to your romantic script and romantic future.
Some romantic scripts are more winning and some are more losing, but the romantic script is always formulated around dealing with the trials and tribulations of your earliest life with your family, dealing with the conclusion “I’m not O.K.” which most people come to (to a greater or lesser degree). Other key factors include how your parents got along romantically, what they modeled for you and how puberty played out for you. Also, if the opposite sex parent had a positive celebratory attitude of the sexual difference between you and them, without being impinging or intrusive, this supports a more positive romantic script, and the inverse a more negative romantic script.
People often come to Alicia and I with questions like “Why do I keep attracting this type of partner?” or “Why can’t I attract the people I am attracted to?” or “Why do my relationships keep turning out the same?” or “Why can’t I get in one?” All a person needs to know to answer these types of questions are ‘what romantic plot are they living out?’ ‘What romantic games are they playing?’ and ‘What are the payoffs?’
When we are willing to step back and know our romantic script we can predict the future that we tend to freefall towards. This awareness itself is the cure. This psychic awareness actives a change spontaneously. We choose spontaneously something newer, fresher, more expansive, something appropriate even delightful to the moment. But we have to know in the moment when the script is active, which can be constantly sometimes, for awareness to do it’s thing. It’s not book learning. It’s on the court awareness of what is going on internally. That is why practice is always now. Choice is always now.
If we know our romantic script through and through, in our knees, in our heart, if we experience it fully with awareness, the awareness itself begins to dominate our experience. The felt experience of awareness is an open peaceful spaciousness in the mind, a warm heart and a radiant sensation in the body, for example. There is no substitute for this when approaching someone in a bar or waking up next to your husband or wife. The story is felt to be a story and reality is felt to be reality… and we always pay more attention to reality than we do story if we can distinguish them.