A Lifetime of Love: Success Throughout the Stages of Your Relationship!
If we cut to the chase, what makes person’s romantic life thrive? We know a relationship goes through stages: meeting someone, dating, boyfriend/girlfriend and ultimately, committed. We know that being present (spiritually awake and so on) optimizes just about everything. But what we don’t know is that being awake expresses itself differently in each stage of relationship.
For example, if we were interested in meeting someone, the optimal way of being is extroverted. Without some level of extroversion the likelihood of meeting someone diminishes drastically. It’s more important than being smart, rich, good looking, a hard worker or any other way of being. To meet someone we have to actually meet someone. We have to be engaged outside of ourselves in some social situation engaging someone, talking to someone… meeting someone! Even if we have bad breath and are rude, if we meet enough people we will connect with someone. If we are home alone or don’t engage people in social environments, we could be the most charming, intelligent, lovable person, and all that would make no difference.
Extrovert in the dictionary in the dictionary is defined as “an outgoing, gregarious person”.
So the first question is “If you want to meet someone to get into a relationship or to have a new friend or any other reason does your relationship pattern encourage extroversion?” If it does, great, you are set. If it doesn’t you have two options:
1)start the many year process of disidentifying with your relationship pattern.
2)Force yourself to get out there and meet people in some unavoidable way. Realistically, it will take both methods to work.
They support each other. You learn both on the court and during practice in the coaching room. Many people engage in our community because they provide both training and on the court opportunities that are easy to access: parties, meet-ups, teams and so on.
There are all kinds of skills in meeting someone like finding out if they are interested, conversation skills, how to dress and so on. We often focus in on these, but the essence of success in this initiatory stage of relationship is extroversion.
Let’s move on to dating. People who date successfully are charming. This is the optimal way of being for people to like you and be turned on to you. If you are extroverted you meet people, and if you are charming you will end up dating as many people as you want. You’ll even be able to be selective about it, which, of course, is what everyone wants. We often elaborate on this stages and the skills involved (being turned on, having fun and so on) but the essence of it is being charming. When you are charming people like you. Does your relationship pattern allow you to be charming?
Synonyms for charming are delightful, likable, endearing, appealing, alluring, delectable, winning, fetching, captivating, enchanting, seductive.
If we are extroverted we meet someone. If we are charming, they like us. Notice these ways of being are cumulative if we want to move through the stages of relationship successfully. There are plenty of people who are only extroverted and their love lives go nowhere fast. They have mini relationships, an hour of flirting at a party, for example.
The essential way of being to succeed in the third stage of relationship is “deep”. We could also say “real” or “intimate”. People who are “deep” or can go deep succeed in the middle game of relationship known as being boyfriend girlfriend. They can be real, vulnerable, and intimate. The communication skills and sensual skills that we often explore relative to this stage of relationship all require deepening the experience. It’s this ability to go deep that unlocks the success in the middle game of relationship.
How does your relationship pattern support or hinder going deep, being vulnerable and intimate?
People who are spiritual, in a real sense (and this is a whole other topic), are able to enter and succeed in a relationship that is not only committed but everything that a committed relationship is meant to be. That is why we often call this stage of relationship a Soulmate Relationship or an Eternal Date. While being extroverted means you meet them and charming means they like you and being deep means they love you, being Spiritual means they are you. There is Union. The relationship has achieved complete Union, and yet all of the relating, the sexuality, the experience of being with someone else deeply is still there. So the optimal way of being that captures the essence of the fourth stage of relationship is spiritual.
Does your relationship pattern support your Spirituality? Well it might… in a sense. But spirituality has something to do with operating outside of a relationship pattern! But, again, that is a whole other topic.