April 19th, 2011
Manifesting specific results in your life.
Now that we have explored the spiritual side of change, let’s examine how to change specific things in your life like something about your job or your relationship. Manifesting specific results in life is an incredible game to play… as long as you are not playing it as the end all and be all or the most important part of life.
 |
Creating specific results in your life starts with envisioning or simply knowing what result you would like. Setting your objective is crucial. The more creative the objective the better, while balancing being realistic and what is possible.
Putting your heart into it is next. You must examine is this something you really want to do or something you have to do or something you should do. The first two are accomplishable but the third is not. You must be motivated. It must matter to you or you must be in a position where you have no other choice. The first is better.
|
From here, you must organize your life and yourself in any number of ways such that you are engaged in fulfilling your goal in your personal growth, job, love life, anything. You can get very creative here. This is setting the path and environment that will lead to your change.
Tags: change, success
Posted in Personal Growth | 5 Comments »
April 13th, 2011
We will further explore the challenges we confront when we attempt to change ourselves and discover the key to effortless change.
Imagine trying to change your internal reality and your external reality at the same time. By inner reality, I mean you’re head reality, how you felt, what you thought, and by external reality I mean your circumstances, your environment, the situation you’re in. Imagine trying to change both because somehow you knew that they were both false, or at least that your head reality was false, and that your external reality had been largely created or influenced by your head reality.
 |
So it wasn’t so much just trying to change your thought about something, but rather your thought had actually manifested in your environment so that the change you now wanted to create was much steeper. A good analogy would be, imagine feeling totally isolated, totally alone, and very separate (internal reality), and then at the same time living in an abandoned part of town, off the suburb of some very small city, rarely speaking to anyone. |
The reason this is so much more difficult to change is not just because it’s twice as much to change, but once it’s gotten into your external environment, there is an enormous amount of evidence for the mind version, the isolated alone abandoned feeling, and it becomes much much harder to change the mind, and hence change the environment back.
The way to deal with this is to go right to the center of your inner reality, the center of all your thoughts, to your first thought that holds all the others together. It is “I”. If that thought is transcended then not only are all of the issues of him or her transcended, but the very person who had them is gone. You are left.
If you want to transcend the “I” sense, then inevitably you are going to have to confront major self doubt. If you don’t go for transcending that “I” sense then you can numb yourself to the self doubt to a certain degree. But, if you do go for transcending the “I” sense, commonly called Realization or Personal Growth, then inevitably you will have to confront the self doubt associated with that “I” sense. You’ll have to confront that portion of the blueprint of your mind. It really is the center of the blueprint.
Effortless change simply comes from moving through the center of the blueprint, which is the “I” sense. If you realize you are not that, you will merge with everything, and all desired changes are accomplished effortlessly. Things are just right.
Tags: blueprint, change, Personal Growth, realization, self doubt
Posted in Personal Growth | 17 Comments »
April 6th, 2011
Have you ever been frustrated by the rate at which you, yourself, change? Perhaps you’ve wanted yourself to be some way and it just isn’t happening according to your timetable. Or maybe the person you are married to, or in relationship with, isn’t changing at the speed you’d like.
Often we know things about ourselves that would be great to change, and yet it can happen very slowly. Sometimes it happens very quickly, but that is rare.
 |
There are two things you must take into account:
1) It took a long time to get this way and you are a very, very, very complex system, most of which is functioning outside of your conscious awareness.
|
2) The very effort to change reinforces the sense of ‘I’, as in “I want to change”. This “I” is your ego and it is what is causes most suffering in the first place. So it is like saying “I don’t want to be I”. (This is a big topic fleshed out in other blogs and live teachings).
Real change happens when you see through this “I” and have patience with the complexity and momentum of yourself and your life. It is the opposite of “taking heaven by storm” (i.e. you can’t force yourself to change).
Personal growth from this perspective is immediate in the sense of you are no longer that ‘ego I’ trying to change. It is also gradual in that all the momentum and complexity of patterns, beliefs and so on, which make up a human being, will take time to unwind. Knowing this about yourself is invaluable, and knowing this about your partner can solve many relationship problems.
Tags: change, Personal Growth, realization, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth | 14 Comments »
March 29th, 2011
An Eternal Date is a romantic relationship that keeps reaching higher peaks in love and sex. Sometimes we call it a “Peaking” relationship. Here are 10 keys to having an enternal date. If you are looking to start a new relationship, you can practice many of these and they will attract a soulmate.
 |
- Have lots of vacations
- Be so honest they can’t help but love you
- Take care of each other emotionally
- Research and study sex enthusiastically
- Take your partner on dates
- Flirt unabashedly
- Make lots of time available
- Develop a rich spiritual life
- Get to know you and your partner’s romantic conditioning
- Realize it’s a lot more important than most of the rest of the stuff you’re doing!
|
Tags: dating advice, relationship advice, schedule
Posted in Dating, How to relationship, Relationship | 11 Comments »
March 21st, 2011
The mass of concepts, beliefs and patterns through which people experience their lives (relationship, work, oneself… everything) dominates experience most of the time.
 |
When we start to see that mass of concepts, beliefs and patterns for what it really is, which is just active thoughts and unconscious thoughts, we begin to separate from it. This can happen quickly or slowly and brings a tremendous sense of freedom, joy and peace. It is the key to personal growth. |
This is a very difficult process for people, not because it is that complex to do, but rather because it is very confronting. It is both painful and humbling to feel through the mind you have built up over time. That is the process of Corework or meditation.
We say we would like to let it go but doing it is another matter. That old mind carries a great deal of pain for each person. And the notion of letting go of how you have known yourself to be is itself inherently challenging and feels unsafe.
The self you used to be doesn’t gain anything from it… but you do.
Tags: happiness, meditation, openness, Personal Growth
Posted in Realization | 9 Comments »
March 15th, 2011
Your sensual potential is unlimited.
This is a section of the final write up from Aaron’s Sensuality Expansion Program. “DOing” is the technique of creating a 15-minute orgasm (or longer) in a woman’s body. I think these selected paragraphs will be useful and fun in your journey of sensual expansion. Enjoy:
 |
“Our first DO date exposed just the areas that we needed help with. Perfect! Erwan and Alicia were so loving they modeled the love and curiosity that is the cornerstone of enlightened living and sexing. My coaching from Erwan was “Be raw and DO her.” He further described this as being right where she is going as soon as she gets there, like leading her where she is already going. Graduating the Sensuality Expansion Program is going to require that I lead by paying attention, be raw, and cultivate the single minded focus needed to actually see the subtlety of a woman.” |
This is a section of the final write up from Kelsey’s Sensuality Expansion Program.
“New themes for each of us came up as the structure of DOing began to shed light on how each of our egos show up in moments of intimacy. For Aaron it was “leaning into the intensity of subtlety” and for me it was “Womaning Up!” Erwan pointed out to us that there was a point near the middle of our dates where we were having trouble maintaining our connection and that he was still having to get us over that hump. This is exactly what was happening when we were DOing on our own, and without their coaching, we were getting into arguments in the middle of dates.
What I got out of the Sensuality Expansion Program is a deep sensual connection to myself and to Aaron, as well as the knowledge and skills to access that depth of connection anytime—and I now understand how that access is the key to our relationship growing more and more pleasurable over time!”
Find their full writeups, and those of other graduates, here!
Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Sex | 6 Comments »
March 9th, 2011
Relating with another person will occasionally involve upset, and this is a perfectly normal part of any relationship. But what’s the best way to handle yourself in these situations, to minimize the pain and damage that can be caused without causing more relationship problems? Here are three ways I’ve found of dealing with upset as it comes up.
 |
The first is to know that if someone says something sharp to you, it is normal to feel hurt. Rather than striving for imperviousness in this kind of situation, have compassion and space for you to have the experience. |
The second is to minimize “going to work” on the experience. It’s very easy to take the experience and use it to justify yourself, or defend yourself, or avoid intimacy or vulnerability. This is of course hard to do, and the key here is the first step I mentioned: have compassion for what you’re feeling, feel what you’re feeling fully, and the need to act on it or process it or use it will slowly drift away.
The third is, don’t take it personally. When somebody attacks you or says something offensive, it really has little to nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. This will help with the two steps above, and will help in understanding and having compassion for the other person, which will make it a lot easier for both of you to move beyond the sharp interaction.
This will help to clear your mind in the moment, and from a clear mind there are any number of options which can forward the situation, rather than reinforce the negative and defensive feelings which prompted the upset in the first place.
Tags: relationship problems, upset, vulnerability
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
March 2nd, 2011
Push-pull is a method of seduction in which you pull someone in (e.g. start a conversation with someone or take the conversation a bit higher sensually) until just before the point that they realize they have had enough, then push them away (e.g. end the conversation or change to a less sexually charged topic) .
 |
But, how do you know when someone has had enough before even they do? The key is your attention on them. If you’ve got your full attention on someone, you’ve got access to all kinds of incredible information. You can even know things about them that they may not be aware of themselves. |
Here’s an example which I think most of us are familiar with, and one you can even try today. The next time you’re in a conversation with somebody, notice the point when you feel the conversation winding down, when you feel that it’s time to end the conversation. Sometimes this feels like a slight reduction in excitement, or a tinge of distraction. Sometimes this is when the conversation actually does wrap up, and sometimes the conversation continues. If it continues and you stay in the conversation too long, it stops feeling good, and may start to feel awkward or anxious. If you end the conversation, you and the other person are left feeling good.
The exact same feelings come up when relating with the opposite sex, whether asking someone on a date or having sex. If you have your full attention on the other person, and notice how the situation feels, you will know exactly when to take things one level higher, and exactly when to pause and bring things down a bit.
Tags: attention, relationship advice, seduction
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 2 Comments »
February 23rd, 2011
An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance during this February’s Pleasure Course!
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint, Sex | Comments Off
February 15th, 2011
After teaching singles and couples how to have 15-minute orgasm for the last nearly 20 years I can tell you there is nothing better you can add to a relationship to accelerate it, at least in the turn on department. It’s the best relationship advice I could give you in the sex department.
 |
In two of our advanced programs, the Oracle of life and love and the Oracle of sex, money and power, we have been having sensuality research pools over the last two weeks and Alicia and I have been blown away by people’s ability to give and receive pleasure.
The technique is called DOing, standing for deliberate orgasm. |
One person plays the role of cause (the “Doer”) the other plays the role of effect (being done to or the “DOee”). Doing involves manual stimulation, usually between two people, but someone can do it to himself or herself as well
The most important point for the doer is having their full attention on the pleasure of the doee. The most important point for the doee is surrendering to their doer. This establishes connection. Connection is key.
Communication is the next most important point. Talk approvingly both ways!
The Doer should “peak” their partner regularly. This means taking mini breaks while stroking your partner, from a tenth of a second to several seconds. These breaks stop the cummer from spiking up really fast and going over a hard edge (traditional climax orgasm) and instead extend the sensation.
When the cummer reaches what we call the Orgasm line, where the body just hints at going into involuntary contractions, the most obvious sign of orgasm, back off and slow down. This will keep you in a state of orgasm without crashing over a hard edge. Also push your genitals out, keep them relaxed (vs. clenched) throughout but especially at this point.
The orgasm will be higher and more relaxed than you are used to… and of course of much longer duration.
There are about a million other points I could mention, but these are among the most important. Realistically, to learn 15-minute orgasm requires training and practicing. The Sensuality Expansion Program is where we do our highest level training with singles and couples, but our other advanced programs and vacation courses are a great place to start : )
Tags: 15 minute orgasm, better sex, communication, DOing, extended orgasm, female orgasm, how to orgasm, relationship advice
Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Sex | 9 Comments »
February 1st, 2011
I first started flirting, at least overtly, in junior high school. And I, sort of, realized I wasn’t the one who started it!
Flirting is the give and take of sexual energy. It is practiced overtly and covertly, but mostly covertly in a language that is like a code. Like an energetic code.
 |
When Alicia and I met and connected we had a tremendous energetic connection. We were taking a seminar and doing exercises together in front of the group. I can still remember and feel that moment.
Today, that energy is far greater and deeper even than it was at that moment… and it is really due to expanding that energetic connection, that give and take that flirting is.
Flirting is actually something quite deep, that typically gets overlooked as time goes on in a relationship. It get’s trivialized ultimately because of fear. Fear of intimacy. |
Flirting isn’t only for new relationships or the first date. Flirting is very deep intimacy.
Tags: flirting, intimacy
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 1 Comment »
January 25th, 2011
Men and women have a different style of communication. Women typically speak both their style and the male style because we live in a culture that mostly speaks the man-style. Men typically don’t speak both because women are willing to speak both styles. This can be a problem because when women aren’t heard or it isn’t clear what they want or what they are saying: the women aren’t super happy and neither are the guys.
 |
There are two instances in particular in which it really helps to have a deeper perception than us men sometimes have. These are when a woman is being aggressive or she is being withdrawn. What does that mean, what could be going on that men might ordinarily misinterpret? |
In short, a fight or flight response is occurring. Being aggressive or withdrawn is often interpreted by men, and women too, as simply being negative. Sometimes that is the case: all of us can sometimes get into a contracted or a non-open state. But that is not usually all that is going on, and sometimes that has nothing to do with it.
There are two reasons that a fight or flight response is happening. One thing that is often going on, and that is usually not seen, is that she is actually turned-on, and the turn-on comes out more as tension and aggression. Often men miss this cue and the potential for huge fun, and make it into something negative. Most of the time, releasing that stored sexual energy will release the tension, and will be very pleasurable for both people involved.
Reason two is that she has somehow been insulted. In today’s culture there is a lack of acknowledgement for the feminine, a discounting or discrediting of femininity. Not seeing a woman as woman-ness is a type of insult. This is something that women are just as likely to do as men, a kind of discounting of themselves and each other, rather than celebrating something that really is worthy of celebration.
These are two misinterpretations that occur all the time. When they’re decoded, it opens up potential for great sexual intimacy, closeness, and healing.
Tags: communication, turn-on, vulnerability
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 3 Comments »
January 18th, 2011
The essential element is to stay present. If you are present extraordinary experiences unfold.
I was thinking of calling this entry “15-minute Orgasm – Not blowing out”.
 |
In the Sensuality Expansion Program we just led, we worked with the DOer repeatedly on expanding his ability to stay present during the high peaks of female orgasm.
To stay present do these things
1. Focus on the contact point
a. Doers on your finger on her clitoris
b. Cummers on your clitoris at the point of contact
2. Feel and express your sensation both ways |
With her (in the Sensuality Expansion Program) we worked, not so much on staying present for high peaks, but staying continually present v.s. “on and off”.
The being of 15-minute orgasm is simply being present.
Intimacy is what arises at a much higher level than what we are used to. This intimacy is usually resisted quite strongly and subtly. One is likely to not even know one is resisting intimacy or not being present.
So it requires more of a heart willingness than an understanding. The Being of 15-minute orgasm is Openness… openness to all things, intimacy being the most challenging.
The intimacy is physical so it can be much more pleasurable but also much more deep.
Tags: 15 minute orgasm, better sex, DOing, female orgasm, intimacy, openness, pleasure, sexual pleasure
Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Sex | 1 Comment »
January 11th, 2011
The number one thing you can do to increase sexual energy is to structure your life in a way that doesn’t stress you out. When human beings are stressed, the sex drive plummets. This is the biggest cause of loss of male and female libido.
 |
The second thing you can do is practice being in your body. Being in your head puts you in a very confined, mental space which tends not to be a juicy, sexual, embodied space.
The third thing you can do is understand female extended orgasm and that women are the source of sexual energy. The ability to feel and notice and acknowledge turn-on in women (especially in yourself, if you are a woman) is critical to increasing sexual energy.
Finally, if you’re a man, another thing you can do is reduce the frequency of going over a hard edge and ejaculating (this applies to women as well, though not as much because bodily fluid isn’t expended). This can be a tough thing to do, for obvious reasons. Ejaculating consumes a tremendous amount of sexual energy. |
For teenagers, I recommend once per week, for middle age, once per month, and for older age, once every few months. In order to be successful at this, you need to have your life structured so you can be relaxed (back to the first point above), otherwise the built up energy turns into tension. This is something I practice, and it makes all the difference in the world.
These techniques require intention and practice, and the rewards really are incredible!
Tags: extended orgasm, female libido, female orgasm, sexual energy, sexual pleasure, turn-on
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 3 Comments »
January 4th, 2011
1. Decide ahead of time to have a great time and enjoy yourself no matter what. Release your mind and the past (which is a spiritual practice).
2. Actively move your energy into his hands, your hips, genitals, legs, and feet vs your head.
3. Trust your doer completely – don’t try to control him, just feel where he is taking you.
 |
4. Be vocal – let the orgasm come through your vocal cords.
5. Focus your attention on the contact point between his finger and your clitoris.
6. Feel each stroke.
7. Push your genitals out gently.
8. Lean into the sensation – no matter what the sensations is you will experience extreme pleasure by leaning into it fully.
9. Spread your fingers and toes. |
10. It takes something to have extended orgasm – it takes ongoing training and it also takes giving yourself to sexual pleasure fully EACH TIME, no matter how much or how little training you have.
Tags: 15 minute orgasm, female orgasm, how to orgasm, intention, sexual pleasure
Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Having better sex, Sex | 10 Comments »
December 28th, 2010
Whether in a relationship or not, everyone has relationship problems and hangups. Sexual hangups may seem uncommon because people don’t talk about them as much, but they’re common as well. These hangups can be small or they can be huge.
| In over 17 years of studying and teaching this work, I’ve found that the biggest sexual hangup for women is feeling frigid, a lack of sexual apetite or interest. The biggest sexual hangups for men are having trouble keeping an erection or, almost the opposite, ejaculating early.
A sexual hangup is really negative sexual material in what I call one’s “blueprint”. Ones blueprint is one’s ego. It is the identification system a person is looking though when relating with people and the world. This blueprint is made up of memories of oneself in relation to another, associated with an emotion (for example a small guilty self in fear of a punishing father). It is these memories and emotions which can pull you out of your body and interfere with any sex act. |
 |
Fundamentally, the best way I’ve found to deal with these memories and emotions is to feel them fully as they come up. This can be particularly difficult to do when they come up during sex! But doing this will open you up to the unlimited pleasure and love available to all of us.
Tags: better sex, blueprint, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 9 Comments »
December 21st, 2010
Flirting is worth bringing into long standing relationships as well as new relationships and the exciting process of meeting potential partners. Why leave the romance behind, right?
| Enlightenment… we could spend days discussing what that is. Here’s a useful definition: knowing and feeling your inherent perfection and the perfection of all that is. This doesn’t mean there aren’t pleasure and pain, good stuff and bad stuff, and so on. |
 |
Flirting with enlightenment can mean two things: 1) considering that perhaps everything is right the way it is… or 2) flirting with a sense of rightness about yourself and the other.
My point about enlightenment is maybe it’s time for you to just love yourself, others and life exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. Of course, you still grow, things change, you learn and so on, but the endless waiting for things to be OK is over. You can start having fun now!
My point about flirting is that if you are right with the way things are, really in agreement with them, you are a way better flirt. Whether you are dating, falling in love, married or any other state of relationship, your love life simply works better.
There is something beyond endlessly trying to get there. Why not start from good? It is a pretty enlightened thing to do… especially romantically.
Tags: dating advice, enlightenment, flirting, realization
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship | 7 Comments »
December 12th, 2010
1. Start touching yourself the way you normally would to get yourself going.
2. Then take frequent mini breaks in your stroking, like half a second every few strokes. This is like taking your foot off of the accelerator.
3. Before going over the edge, relax your body and push your genitals out (instead of the usual tendency to clench). This will further decelerate you from crashing over a hard edge.
4. Experiment with the above and you will find that your body will be able to hold all the signs of male and female orgasm for an extended period. Involuntary contractions of the genital muscles and a sense of release are the most important.
| You can extend it beyond 15 minutes if you like. When you involve someone else it is called “D.O.ing” for deliberate orgasm.
One important addition to the four steps above is your headspace: focus on the pleasure you are feeling, not where you are going. Pleasure orientation vs. goal orientation is the most important part. |
 |
I have been teaching extended orgasm for 17 years in the Pleasure Course and my advanced programs.
Some learn it quickly; some take longer.
There is no better addition to one’s sex life, whether you are single, dating, in a new relationship or married.
Tags: 15 minute orgasm, better sex, DOing, extended orgasm, female orgasm, how to orgasm, sexual pleasure
Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Sex | 13 Comments »
December 7th, 2010
Mostly attention. Doesn’t matter whether it is Lady Gaga or your mom.
Lack of attention toward a woman is a relationship killer straight off, and the source of many relationship problems. Even for people who stay “in relationship,” if there isn’t the attention on what she wants, there isn’t much of a relationship. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a new relationship, the couple is married, or you’re just dating.
| Of course, the list goes on. But if that first one is present the rest tend to follow: love, approval, great sex, baubles…
Sometimes people hear me talk about this at a Live Event or at The Pleasure Course and assume that I mean some kind of subservient catering from the guy. That’s the last thing women want. Women like to be “at effect” (as opposed to “cause”) so they like guys that are willing to be strong, to be “cause”. |
 |
They would just prefer it if his attention was on her, feeling and understanding what she wants.
This was a recurring theme in the December 3rd Pleasure Course, which we’ll be completing at the December 8th Live Event: How long are you going to wait for the romance you have always wanted!”
Tags: attention, relationship problems
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 2 Comments »
November 30th, 2010
One of the most common questions that people ask me, whether they are married, boyfriend/girlfriend or dating is some version of how do I get my partner to either approve of me more or pay more attention to me. With men it is typically, “How do I get her to approve of me more?” With women it is typically, “How do I get him to pay more attention to me?”
| Men’s biggest relationship hang-up is not paying attention. This infuriates women and he pays, although he often doesn’t know what he is paying for!
Women’s biggest relationship hang-up is not being authentically approving when asking for what the want. The result is guys don’t listen and stay dumb (if you’ll excuse me for being so blunt). |
 |
You may start to see that a vicious circle has formed. The more she disapproves the less attention he pays and the less attention he pays the more disapproving she is. This is the unfortunate circumstance of many relationships. Hence why we sometimes say when teaching the Pleasure Course, “Guys are dumb and women are mean.”
The good news is that if either partner is willing to acknowledge their hang-up and give it up, slowly but surely the relationship will correct. It doesn’t happen overnight but it does happen. When a he starts paying more attention she get’s a lot more approving. When she starts getting more approving (while not compromising what she wants, I should add) he starts paying more attention.
This is some of the best relationship advice I could give you. You may find love you didn’t know you had in your current love life. Oh and it is dating advice too!
Click here to forward this blog post to a friend!
Tags: approval, attention, communication, dating advice, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
November 24th, 2010
| 1. Set an intention (for example: to love the people I am with more than I ever have.)
2. Take 5 minutes and make a list of the things that you are grateful for.
3. Bring something to the party! |
 |
Tags: happiness
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | Comments Off
November 16th, 2010
Let’s face it, most people don’t love their jobs. Enjoying your work is critical to being happy because, like most people, you probably spend half or even most of your day working. You may wonder what you can do about it. You may feel resigned about it. And… you may love your job and simply want to know how you could love it even more. Here’s how:
| 1. Do what you love for work. For some people this may mean taking a radical step and switching careers. For others it doesn’t. But, thinking this radically may be necessary because we spend so much time working.
2. Bring what you love to work. For example, if you are a big people person but work in front of computer, you can emphasize the aspects of the job that involve working with others, or if you’re really into yoga you can focus on things like your posture and your breathing as you are working (Yoga is an elaborate discipline, aspects of which can be brought to any activity.) |
 |
Maybe you can bring your cat to work (if that would light you up), or play the music you like (which can really change your mood at work). You get the idea; bring the things, qualities and activities that you love into your job no matter what it is. This has limitless potential, but requires creativity.
3. Spiritualize your work. This rarely occurs to people, but is actually the most important. Let’s stay with the Yoga theme. Yoga, although usually looked at as a form of exercise, is actually a spiritual discipline involving concentration and meditation. Concentrating and focusing on what you are doing is a spiritual activity. Meditating doesn’t need to mean sitting in lotus position with your eyes closed focusing on your inner self. Many forms of meditation are done while engaged in an activity. That activity could be anything, even what you do for work!
When I lived in a Zen monastery we did meditate while sitting, but we also meditated while plowing the fields, while cooking and even while relating to each other. It changes the quality of the experience totally. You even get better at whatever you are doing because you are more focused. For this purpose, I will summarize meditation as ‘focus on your awareness’. No matter where you are at about your work this will add to your experience of joy while working.
We start each Oracle of Life and Love session that I teach with meditation. And in the Oracle of Sex, Money and Power we add in this “Career lens” of loving your job. Having a structure of support for these critical activities makes all the difference.
Click here to forward this blog post to a friend!
Tags: happiness, having fun, Personal Growth
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | 9 Comments »
November 9th, 2010
We had an amazing live event last Wednesday where 50 people discovered their relationship personality type and it’s assets and liabilities. It was a blast!
What’s yours?
Basically there are 3 or 5 types depending on how you slice it up. This is based on nearly twenty years of giving relationship advice and supporting people in their love lives and I can tell
| you, although we are all unique, there are definitely general orientations that people fall into. These orientations depend on your preferred ways of responding to pain and difficulty when dealing with relationship problems. As you know, we each have a relationship blueprint, a set of information we use to navigate relationships buried deep in our unconscious. That blueprint instructs us to deal the pains of intimacy by avoiding them, challenging the other or surrendering. These are the three basic types: the Avoider, the Softy and the Meany. |
 |
There are two other types which are really versions of the prior types but they show up often enough that we consider them types of their own. One is the troublemaker, basically a Meany who is also an avoider. It’s the rebel or black sheep type, on their own stirring things up. And lastly, the Clueless, who comes in two varieties: the naïve and the arrogant. Both don’t know much about relationship (i.e. they’re clueless, but the arrogant type thinks they know a ton.)
From these brief descriptions you probably have a sense for your primary type. We all use all three (or 5 if you like) types, so having a combination is OK, but make sure you know your primary type. It’s really helpful in relationship to know it.
Then you can correct course! Meanys should be nice! Avoiders do well to show up; Softys benefit by asserting themselves; Troublemakers do well supporting something or someone; and the Clueless should learn!
Click here to forward this blog post to a friend!
Tags: blueprint, relationship coaching, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 2 Comments »
November 2nd, 2010
Last night I figured I would watch a video so through Netflix I picked an old Japanese movie Oneida. Liking old Japanese movies and not knowing Japanese I just launched into it not knowing what it was about. Turns out it was about two Japanese women killing a lost Samurai to sell their gear to buy rice. The title meant Demon Woman. Watching this movie right before bed really did a job on my sleep.
| The next morning I went out for tea and at the table next to me two men and two women were talking loudly, “Let me tell you the worst of it… her husband was diagnosed with cancer and two weeks later her cat dies…” and something else I can’t remember, but equally painful. Of course, difficult things happen to people, but I couldn’t help but notice how they were drooling over the conversation topic like a tasty morsel saved up to share.
Then I figured I would read the paper… and I don’t need to tell you it wasn’t a summary of all the good news from around the globe but exactly the opposite. As if they scoured the planet to find the worst things they could write about. Oh yeah, they did! |
 |
For better or worse, this is the world that surrounds most of us. It is the culture we live in. And it has only gotten more pain oriented over the last half century. Look at TV programming or movie titles for clear proof.
Fortunately, I practice Yoga, not just as a physical discipline but a spiritual one as well. An aspect of the Yogic path is called “Pratyahara”, which means turning the senses inward. My yoga teacher, Menuso, is a disciple of Iyengar, who was a disciple of Krishnacharya. Krishnacharya practiced Pratyahara intensely in early 19th century India. He walked around eyes cast down, didn’t listen to music, and so on, so as not to be distracted. And this was a nearly a decade ago when the distractions were far fewer, especially in rural India.
But what was he avoiding distraction from?
In short, the unending source of happiness, Being itself, as experienced in the human soul. The good news is that there is not an ounce less of that unending source of happiness today than there was back then. It is something we tap into all the time. The clichéd example is how we feel when we see a beautiful sunset. Maybe the sunset is just a moment of undistracted calmness when we to turn our attention to the vastness and openness of life, a beautiful sight that encourages us to look within although our eyes gaze outward.
Perhaps the unending source of happiness is at your fingertips all the time.
Click here to forward this blog post to a friend!
Tags: attention, happiness
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | 5 Comments »
October 26th, 2010
Women fear being unattractive more than anything.
Men’s greatest fear is failure.
Men have their sense of self worth invested heavily in their success. That success could be financial, sexual, spiritual or any other area of life. Men view things in terms of success. It’s like a filter through which they perceive life.
| A woman’s sense of self-esteem is far more dependent on her attractiveness. Women experience life far more relationally. Their ability to attract the kind of relationships, especially romantic, that they want is crucial to their sense of self worth. Nowadays, these aren’t politically correct things to say. We could also debate why this is so. Is it biological, cultural or some other reason… or some combination? Regardless of why or whether it is O.K. to say in today’s cultural climate, after almost two decades of supporting men and women in having exceptionally intimate and turned on relationships, I have found these to be the greatest fears that each sex has. |
 |
If you think about it, these are very useful things to know about when relating to the opposite sex… whether it is your first date, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, or the person serving you your coffee in the morning. Knowing someone’s greatest fear can give you a lot of insight into how to make them feel good and like you more.
Alicia makes me feel like a winner and I make sure she knows how beautiful and attractive she is. It’s one of the secrets to the success of our marriage.
Click here to forward this blog post to a friend!
Tags: approval, attention, failure, self-esteem, success
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
October 18th, 2010
Relationships have a natural path through stages. In the Pleasure Course we focus on those stages in detail, but for now let’s just use their titles: the new and exciting stage, the best friends and lovers stage and the eternal date stage.
 |
People run into difficulty because they may be more comfortable at one stage and not another, or they may have skills in one stage and not another. We have found this difficulty to be the case for most people. You may have a tendency to try to rush ahead, say to the eternal date (a committed relationship), or a tendency to stay behind, say eternally dating (and never getting serious). The most common scenario that we have found over the last 17 years of teaching people to have successful romantic relationships is that of a woman wanting to rush ahead in the relationship, prematurely pushing toward commitment, and a man wanting to keep it in the dating stage, often way beyond when moving forward would create more depth and quality of romance. This was the scenario that Alicia and I had to move through. |
This is only the most common scenario. The roles can be reversed, the middle stage of relationship can come into play, and so on. The possible permutations are infinite. The point is that our individual relationship blueprints (our personal psychologies) can distort a natural progression through the stages at the appropriate time for maximum pleasure and romance.
How do you know when to take a relationship to the next level? You have to get out of your head and simply be present to the relationship. There will be a feeling, a sense that you can tap into, as to whether the relationship is due to upgrade. If you aren’t inhibiting it, it will happen naturally. If you are rushing it, and you get out of your head and simply be present to the relationship, there will be a natural tendency to slow down.
This is one of the beauties of life. Things flow naturally if we get out the way. That is a tall order, I must admit. It really is a spiritual process that we have covered and will cover in other topics. But, for now, know that you have to be present to the relationship not your relationship blueprint. Have your attention on the relationship, not on yourself!
Life also provides hints! Your friends (who have good relationships) are pushing you in one direction or the other. Or, you’ve been dating this person for a really long time, say years… probably time to cut bait or move forward. Or, you just started dating a few weeks ago and you are trying to push it forward… probably good to slow down.
You get the idea!
Click here to forward this blog post to a friend!
Tags: blueprint, Committment, dating advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 1 Comment »
October 11th, 2010
The biggest mistake that people make in romantic relationship is bringing out the worst in their partner. This applies to long standing relationships, the first date and everything in between.
 |
Relationships have tricky and often complex dynamics. Sometimes what we perceive in someone else is actually what we are creating over there in them! Projecting our fears and concerns onto the other person is how this all get’s started.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say you are afraid that your partner will reject you or be mad at you about something, so you are defensive, maybe even hostile. Then they are mad. Maybe they don’t know what is going on, but they feel put off, so they are distant and in a sense reject you. |
This is the biggest relationship mistake that people make: they act in ways with their partners that bring out the worst in the other person. Disapproving of your partner is guaranteed to do this!
This creates a vicious circle. What we feared has become the case. Seldom do we realize our part in creating it.
Avoid the most damaging relationship mistake. Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt!
Tags: approval, emotions, mistake
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
October 4th, 2010
The fastest way to end up completely, totally miserable is to feel bad about feeling bad. Everyone feels bad sometimes, sometimes really bad. That’s life. Things happen, everything from stubbing your toe to someone dear to us dying. But if you decide that it is bad that you are feeling bad you are on a slippery slope downwards.
 |
Why? Because now you have twice as much bad: you have the bad you originally felt about whatever happened and the bad about feeling bad. Twice as much bad! Which quickly turns into three times as much bad because you feel bad about all that bad!!
You see how this goes. Feeling bad can snowball very quickly.
So in my teaching work, where we are dealing with the very sensitive matter of intimacy, spiritual life and people’s love lives, my relationship advice is, “Look up”. Where you put your attention is where you will go… in fact, it is more than that; it is what you will become!
This doesn’t mean don’t feel bad if you do feel bad about something. Of course, it is good to confront emotions, to feel them and feel through them, to clarify and release them. We call that “Corework.” That is very different than “tripping” about them, over processing them and feeling bad about them. |
That is a dramatic hobby that I don’t recommend. One I mastered in high school and college listening to Pink Floyd in my dorm room, lights out, candles lit and a relentless focus on what was wrong. I can tell you it didn’t help my dating, social life or spiritual life.
Being diligent about having a positive attitude in life is very different than suppressing emotions with some sort of false positivism. False positivism leads to numbness and feeling bad about feeling bad is a quick ticket to hell.
Don’t look down! Confront what is, and tilt your gaze skywards.
Tags: approval, emotions, happiness, relationship advice
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | 2 Comments »
September 26th, 2010
People resist intimacy primarily because they are hurt and afraid. To whatever degree you find yourself pulling away from your partner, resisting having one or buffering yourself from really being close with someone is the degree to which you are caught in a cycle of hurt and fear followed by all of the strange ways of being that we use as responses to that hurt and fear.
 |
The hurt and fear, along with all the overlaid responses are what we call your relationship blueprint. Hurt and fear underlie the relationship blueprint and are the source of many relationship problems. They are the underbelly of the blueprint. The blueprint is used to protect ourselves. As children we felt hurt, quickly followed by fear. Makes sense, right? Then we quickly put together a system to handle that. |
The hurt comes from a variety of experiences: different versions of being abused or not being seen and acknowledged. Basically, we are raised in a less than ideal environment. This is inevitable, to some degree, because the environment can never be ideal.
The problem is that the blueprint, the distancing ourselves from others, ends up creating more hurt and fear. We end up in the vicious circle caused by responding to our hurt and fear in ways that cause more hurt and fear, damaging our relationships and love life.
The most common relationship blueprint orientations, in response to the hurt and fear, are: attacking, avoiding, acquiescing and ignoring.
We’ll explore these relationship blueprint orientations in future topics. For now, the most important point is to feel through the blueprint to it’s underbelly of hurt and fear. This is where healing can happen.
Tags: blueprint, intimacy, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 27 Comments »
September 21st, 2010
What is the most powerful and immediate way to be more attractive?
This was a theme that came up in the Pleasure Course and something that people have been interested in forever. A million different approaches have been tried and they usually revolve around addressing one’s appearance, level of wealth and sometimes one’s way of being (more confident, for example). While all of these can be helpful and we often recommend them, they are NOT the most powerful and most immediate way to be more attractive.
| The most powerful and immediate way to be more attractive is to be turned on to your self. This covers everything from liking yourself, who you are, to being turned on by your body.
Being turned on by your body is the most important part. If you don’t like your body and approve of it why should someone else…. And they won’t in most cases or at least not for long.
It makes sense to people that if you don’t like yourself, then you send the message out that you aren’t that likeable and people respond to that. |
 |
Well the same is true of being attracted to your body. If you don’t enjoy your body, that is the message you send. In fact it is even more than that. Because if you aren’t turned on by your body, then your hormones are not thriving, are not pumping and your aren’t physically attracting people, literally.
The visual inventory part of the Sensuality Exercises is a great place to get more turned on to your body.
In the Pleasure Course several people shared about looking at their bodies, not through their filter of concepts and standards but actually perceiving their bodies in the mirror as if for the first time. Each time they approved of what they saw and you could feel them become more attractive. Each time we asked the participants if the person was more attractive as they described what they saw and each time every said yes.
We would be billionaires if we could bottle that, but at least we can tell you how to do it: Do the sensuality exercise of visual inventory, look at your body not through your concepts but rather at what is there and find new things that you like.
You will become more attractive to the degree that you do that!
P.S. this also trains you how to view someone else’s body!
Tags: approval, attractiveness
Posted in Personal Growth | 1 Comment »
September 17th, 2010
The way to work with deem emotions is first to allow them and really feel them, and then use skillful means with them, vs indulging them. The first point is the most important, and it really means confronting the emotion, allowing it to be, whatever it happens to be. The practice that we use here at Erwan Davon Teachings for this is the practice of core work. Core work is going deeply into your emotions, especially how they are expressed and felt in the body, sometimes using the breath and sometimes using a 5-step process. What we’ve noticed over the years with hundreds of people is that this process tends to lift and open emotions, particularly negative ones.
| The point of this is to have space for these intense emotions. In today’s world we spend a lot of time running around, distracted by TV and the internet, etc. This can cause an emotional deficit or a sense of distance from oneself or the whole emotional dimension of life. Part of working with deep emotions is in the design of your lifestyle, making sure there’s some time for you to just be, time to feel. |
 |
That can look a lot of different ways, like sitting mediation, walking on the beach or to work, and it can even be sports if it allows you to focus on your inner experience. It’s really important to actually have some space in one’s life to be, so things can percolate up and let go.
The second part of working with deep emotions is to be skillful with them, not to indulge or repress them. There are many ways you could do this – for example, you could journal, or you could discuss your emotions with somebody. What’s important is not to not act it out. If you act out on a negative, patterned emotion you end up reinforcing it. This doesn’t mean we should ignore them, but rather to use a more meditative or spiritual approach to be with them, to deal with them, liberate them, and let them go.
With deep emotions, there’s no magic bullet. There’s only the feeling through process and the releasing of negative emotions, and the expression of healthy, positive emotions.
Tags: communication, emotions, meditation
Posted in Personal Growth | 13 Comments »
September 10th, 2010
In the 27 combined years Alicia and I have been working with people and transforming their relationship and sex lives, one of the things that we’ve noticed is that everyone has particular patterns that they aren’t aware of. There are blind spots as to things that we all do and ways of being that we all bring into our sex lives, and they can be the source of many relationship problems.
| They may be obvious from the outside, for example if somebody were videoing us, but from the inside we may not even know that we are doing that. For example, somebody could be very timid, in bed they don’t move very much, or they’re very tentative in their touch. But to themselves, they probably don’t feel or know that they’re being timid. To them, that is just how it is, it’s just normal. Just like we might walk a particular way, it might even be a funny way, but for us we’re just walking. |
 |
That is what a blind spot is. A blind spot is a blind spot because you don’t see what is actually going on or how you’re being. There is a lack of perspective. Look for yourselves right now. What might be a blind spot for you? It could be any way of being, or a habit, or a tendency, or a behavior. It could be being silent, it could be being withdrawn, it could be being aggressive. Some of the best relationship advice I could give in this area is to ask somebody else’s opinion, especially a current or past lover! It’s a really fun conversation. It can open up a lot of things, and can help build a very healthy relationship and love life.
Tags: blind spot, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 5 Comments »
August 27th, 2010
Once you’ve uncovered you’re romantic blueprint (see part 1 of this topic), the second step is creating a new blueprint. This can be a very fun process. Start picking things from your blueprint that you’d like to change, and then practice acting out of the new way of being. Over time you can re-write your entire blueprint: how you’re interacting with the opposite sex, how you feel about flirting, a first date, boyfriend/girlfriend, commitment, , how you deal with relationship problems, your ability to be vulnerable or sweep a person off their feet, etc. And this can be an on-going process. Blueprints can be negative in two ways: They can be made of negative material, and they can be stagnant. The beauty of re-writing your blueprint is that you can do it all the time, informing your new blueprint with spirit rather than a fixed point of view.
| Now that you’ve uncovered your blueprint and created a new one, step three is to motivate yourself. This involves bringing your heart and feeling into the new blueprint. If these aren’t there, the new blueprint is just going to be a good idea that falls by the wayside. There are two parts to motivating yourself. The first is to investigate it: Does this matter? How important is this to me? If you engage in this inquiry and bring your heart into it (not just your head), you’ll feel that your romantic fate is a really big deal. The |
 |
key is to invest feeling into your new blueprint. Talking about your blueprint with people who are important in your life, or creating a collage, are two great ways of engaging with the new blueprint with your heart. The second part to motivating yourself is to take on your new blueprint in small chunks. Taking on a new blueprint can be overwhelming, and addressing small pieces of it at a time (e.g. setting a goal of going on an extra date every week, rather than going straight for a committed relationship with Mr. Right) is key.
Finally the fourth step is adapting your environment. Your environment is probably structured in such a way as to support your old blueprint. Identifying these structures, and altering them such that they support your new blueprint is key in having your new blueprint take hold. For example, if your new blueprint involves more sensual time with your partner, adding sensual items to your bedroom like candles, flowers, incense, and sexy décor can be a way of supporting this.
Re-writing your romantic fate is a large undertaking. With these steps, it can really happen, and the rewards are well worth it!
Tags: blueprint, intention, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth, Romantic Blueprint | 2 Comments »
August 17th, 2010
We all have a romantic fate. If you look into your future, you’ve probably got a sense of how your romance is going to go. It may be great, it may not be so great, and it may be somewhere in the middle. That is your romantic fate.
 |
Where does this fate come from? It comes from something I call your “romantic blueprint.” This is the template, or set of principles or beliefs, that you’re using to guide yourself in your romance and love life. The problems with most people’s blueprint are first that it was designed between the ages of 0 and 15, and second it usually lives in a blind spot and operates unconsciously. In your love life, you may have noticed yourself acting out a repetitive pattern that leads to relationship problems. Despite seeing this pattern, you find yourself compelled to continue acting that way, and getting the same |
results. The reason that this is going on is because the romantic blue print is guiding this action, and this blueprint is in a blind spot.
So, what are the steps to rewriting your romantic blueprint, and hence your romantic fate?
The first, and most important step, is to uncover your romantic blueprint. A great way to do this is sit down with a piece of paper and write out the patterns in your relationship history, your beliefs about relationship, what your relationship future looks like, etc. Getting it out concretely on paper is important (conversations about it can be very useful but miss the physical element).
I remember, before I got in relationship with Alicia, I noticed that my relationships had progressed only to a certain point. I was OK at dating, I was pretty good at boyfriend/girlfriend, but committed just wasn’t really happening for me. So one day I wrote down all the girlfriends I had had in my life (about 10 at that point) and then, because it was there in front of me, it hit me like a bolt of lightning…in my mind I created something wrong with each and every one of them. Part of my blueprint was a belief that there is something wrong with my romantic partner. (See the post titled Getting over my relationship hang-ups for more detail on this.)
Part 2 of this entry will tell you what to do with your blueprint once you’ve uncovered it!
Tags: blueprint, relationship problems, romantic fate
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 4 Comments »
August 10th, 2010
Nowadays, we’re all very busy. Sometimes romance gets squeezed out of our schedules and disappears in the face of all the other stuff there is to do. So here are a three great ways to jazz up a romance amidst a busy life:
 |
1. Prioritize. If having a healthy relationship and a life full of good strong love is important to you, cut the less important stuff out. And, the essential piece here is, make it real by putting romance into your calendar. We may think we don’t need to be reminded to be romantic or make time for sex, but the reality is, we all need to be reminded to do the fun and pleasurable stuff. |
2. Take regular vacations with a focus on romance. This doesn’t mean spending a lot of time or money. Alicia and I go on vacation at least once a month, often to a place just minutes outside of San Francisco for the weekend. A couple of days a month devoted fully to romance (leave your cell phones, laptops, and kids home!) can do wonders for your love life.
3. Maintain chemistry. There are many ways to add romance to a relationship that don’t take up a lot of time, or even need you to be in the same place as your partner. Having flowers delivered, leaving a note behind before you leave for work, sending a sexy text on your lunch break, are all examples of easy things to do that can create and maintain chemistry and polarity between a couple, especially in the middle of a busy work day or week.
Tags: relationship problems, schedule
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 1 Comment »
August 8th, 2010
One of the keys to getting connected when engaged in sensual contact is to begin the sex act connected. This is because you’re not likely to get more connected than you started. During a sex act, the act may become more sexual, it may deepen, things may open up, but because of the intensity of sex, if you’re disconnected from the person from the start, you’re likely to drift more into your own separate space amidst all of the emotions, thoughts, and body sensations that sex is.
 |
Last Monday in the Oracle of Life and Love, someone asked how to be vulnerable. We told him that the bottom line is to take risks. This really is the path way to getting connected with someone. You get connected to someone by risking yourself, by being intimate with the person, and relative to sex, you want to start from this platform. Taking risks may look like telling the other person what feels good, asking for something, sharing how you’re feeling or asking the other person how they’re feeling. |
For me personally, deepening my relationship with Alicia both sexually and non-sexually is often a process of feeling through a sense of withdrawal, a sense of separateness, which stems in part from being an only child. The risk for me really is not to withdraw, and instead to feel through the desire to separate and really reach out and be physical.
To wrap up, you can get connected by taking risks, by being open, and by being vulnerable with the other person. And in sex, get connected first. It could take five minutes to get connected, which could look like having a five minute conversation with the other person, or it may take only a second, just giving a little wink. Either way, if you start connected, sex can really be incredible.
Tags: better sex, communication, Personal Growth, vulnerability
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | Comments Off
July 29th, 2010
Before we talk about what to say, we should ask, why communicate during sex? There are really four reasons. First, talking about what you’re doing is a good way to keep your mind on what you’re doing. The biggest cause of decreased sexual appetite (whether male or female libido) is mental distraction.
 |
We all have a tendency to think about work, or the shopping list, or some errand we need to run. Talking really keeps you in the moment. The second reason is because talking adds to the amount of sensation and increases sexual pleasure. In the 17 years I’ve been doing this, when people communicate, they report that sensation increases for both the talker and listener. The third reason to talk is because talking promotes learning for |
each person. You both get educated, and educate the other person about what feels good and what doesn’t. It really is a way to uncover men and women’s secrets, and is how to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Finally the fourth and probably most important reason is that talking is pleasurable. People often have difficulty with talking in the beginning, they say it takes them out of the moment or they get hung up on what to say, so it does take some learning, but it’s worth it for all of the previous reasons, and especially because it’s pleasurable to do.
There are three things you can talk about. The first is, talk about what you’re noticing, how things look or feel or smell. The second thing to talk about is how much you’re enjoying the experience. This really feels good for you and the other person, and juices the whole situation up. Finally, you can talk positively about the person or circumstance. You can talk about how well the other person is doing, how romantic the space is that was setup, that you’re glad you set aside the time to do this, etc.
I remember, before I started researching sensuality, women had always felt sort of distant to me, even while we were making love. Certainly there would be moments of connection, but there was generally a distance and mystery about the other person and what was going on, and it always put me in my head. Then, I remember a moment 20 years ago, I was touching a woman, and she said to me, “That’s the spot!” And I could actually feel on my finger how good that spot felt, and all of a sudden I realized that we were both feeling the same thing. In that moment I learned how the most sensitive spot on a woman’s clitoris feels. It really was her communication that allowed me to feel that and learn that.
I’ll wrap up by giving some specific things you could say:
- “Would you….?” (Would you go a little slower, would you lighten the pressure, would you move to the left, etc).
- “Thank you!” It’s important to complete the cycle of communication. If you ask for something, and the person responds, even if they didn’t get it totally right, complete the cycle, say thank you, and that way you can move cleanly on to the next communication.
- “That feels great!” Approval is very important. And don’t be afraid to use the same compliment over and over again. What’s important is that you authentically approve of what is going on.
- If you’re the DOer: “Your (clitoris, cock, skin, etc) feels (silky, engorged, etc)” A specific approval works very well. Detail can really be exquisite. You could also describe how something looks or smells, etc.
- If you’re the DOee: “Your (finger, hand…) feels (electric, like it’s pulling the pleasure out of me, etc)”
The bottom line really is, say things that make the other person feel good. Say things that are pleasurable. It really is that simple. And, you’ll notice that those are the things that have you feel good too.
Tags: better sex, communication, DOing, female libido, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 3 Comments »
July 21st, 2010
Alicia and I get asked thousands of questions about sex every year. The sex question people ask us the most is “How do I have more sex?” The question is usually not asked that straightforwardly, but that usually is the question that is actually being asked.
| The answer to this question is very different from a woman’s point of view than from a man’s point of view. From a woman’s point of view, the key is turn-on. Women have a very natural ability to be turned-on, sensual, and attractive. Learning how to access, cultivate, and use the female libido is key. There are many reasons a woman might avoid being turned-on: it can be risky, it’s vulnerable, and it’s certainly sensational, but the truth of the matter is turn-on really is the way to get more sex.
The best way to go about developing your turn on as a woman is by acknowledging and |
 |
feeling it in your body. You can play with the clothing you wear, practice DOing yourself, read books, etc. The key is really being intentional about approving of whatever level of turn-on you have, because at any given moment there really is some level of turn-on going on in your body.
From a man’s point of view, there are two keys: being fun, and finding out what she wants. If he’s being fun and finding out what she wants, it will gradually go towards what human beings are wired up biologically to want, which is really ecstatic sexual pleasure and romantic love. Being fun really means being light, being playful, flirting. It’s really having the focus on having a good time. There’s a certain amount of this that is being in charge, being strong, being fun in the masculine way that women are really drawn to and that will turn her on, and that’s balanced by finding out what she wants, by his attention being on her. To sum it up, he’s in charge of giving her what she wants.
In my own life growing up I was a bit of a wreck (for a variety of reasons that we will explore at a later point!) and I think women actually liked that because there was a lot of motion, a lot of action. I think that was fun for them. And in terms of paying attention and finding out what they wanted, I’m just blessed that I got some hints!
You many notice that these three skills are the skills of the “new and exciting” stage of romantic relationship. This is why a new relationship typically has so much juice and energy and sex. When people enter the middle game of relationship or marriage, they often leave these skills behind, and the sexual pleasure and frequency diminish.
Diminishing sex and sexual pleasure is one of the most common relationship problems we encounter. The way to get more sex is go right back to what you were doing on your first date: be turned-on, fun, and find out what she wants.
Tags: approval, attention, better sex, DOing, having fun, intention, relationship problems, sexual pleasure, turn-on
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 6 Comments »
July 17th, 2010
About 10 years ago, before I met Alicia, I remember having an intuitive hunch about myself. The hunch was that something was off. What gave me that hunch was that I had been in relationship with some incredible women, but none of the relationships had lasted. I realized that it had something to do with me, that it was a relationship problem, or hang-up, of mine.
| Before this hunch I really thought the relationships ended because they weren’t right for some reason. I thought there was something wrong with each of the relationships, and even each of those women. When I actually listed the qualities of each woman, I saw that I had been so critical of each of them that I somehow found something that made her the wrong person, and justified to myself not being involved, and in some cases even being superior. I realized this hang-up was really costing me in my relationships and my love life. |
 |
I also saw that this hang-up was defensive in nature. The women in my past really had been incredible. They were gorgeous, funny, lit-up, and I had been blocking them from coming into my life. I saw that this defensiveness was covering up an underlying sense of being unlovable. Underneath it all, I really feared that each of those women were unavailable for loving me. This complex thought pattern was really dominating my relationships and love life. It was part of my relationship blueprint which was not working for me.
Identifying this part of my blueprint, and the consequences (the lack of relationship), left me with a bit of a sick feeling. As I felt into this feeling, through a meditation practice we teach in the Pleasure Course called “corework,” I began to notice a deep sense of vulnerability. As I felt this vulnerability more and more fully, the sick feeling of worry began to lift. It felt like a weight rising off of my chest and shoulders. In that moment of feeling, I could see my future opening up. A quality of enjoyment and pleasure started to come into my experience.
It was this process of fully feeling through the emotions behind my hang-up, moment by moment, that really put me in a place to love and commit in my current relationship with Alicia. It is relationship advice that I would recommend to anyone with a relationship or sexual hangup.
Tags: blueprint, emotions, meditation, Personal Growth, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth, Romantic Blueprint | 53 Comments »
July 4th, 2010
The launch party for Erwan Davon Teachings was the most fun I had ever had at a party. Everywhere you looked the most incredible people were having so much fun.
It was a party of enlightened people!
And they were all turned on!
The Pleasure Course that led up to the party was the best ever. I have to give the credit to the team and participants for playing full out, and really bringing their relationship lives to the next level. The Demonstration of extended 15 minute orgasm on Sunday was the height of the experience. I was so moved during it.
Again, I say thank you to the whole community around Erwan Davon Teachings for launching this new phase in style.
Tags: happiness, having fun
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | 27 Comments »
June 17th, 2010
On June 27th I am throwing a cocktail party to celebrate the launch of Erwan Davon Teachings, a brand new look and feel to the Pleasure Course and our Relationship Curriculum. You and your friends are invited.
 |
It is a way of saying thank you to the Bay Area for the tremendous recognition that has come toward me in supporting singles and couples over the last 17 years. It is hard to believe it has been 17 years since the first Pleasure Course! I started teaching the Pleasure Course in Berkeley, and then it quickly moved to San Francisco and into retreat centers all over the San Francisco Bay Area. |
The group of people who surround this work are truly the most exceptional, turned on and fun loving people that I could ever wish to share my life with. Come mingle with them and me.
Our new website will be the “piece de resistance” and we will have appetizers and drinks to enjoy.
Sunday June 27, 8:00-10:00pm
Blue Sky Studios
2325 3rd st Suite 434 #1, San Francisco
The event is free, but you will need to be on the guest list to gain admission: Click here to sign up and be on the guest list! I hope you join us.
Thank you,
Erwan
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
June 17th, 2010
What makes the difference in any relationship is that each whole person is there and available for the relating. There are three aspects to this, and enhancing any one will really help any relationship succeed. This relationship advice really applies to any relationship, whether the first date, a brand new relationship, or a marriage.
| The first essential ingredient is approval. This means being emotionally available to the other person. When we are emotionally available, we are loving. I mean something wider here than simply saying nice things, I really mean the loving, warm, caring that emanates towards the other when we are emotionally available to that person. For some, expressing emotions readily is easy. For others, it brings up a feeling of vulnerability and being unsafe. |
 |
These feelings are generally rooted in a deep hurt experienced during childhood. When this hurt is felt, we emotionally bind up and harden because we don’t want to be hurt again. Noticing this hurt is the first step toward healing it, which allows us to become more emotionally open and vulnerable with another.
The second essential ingredient is turn-on or chemistry. For romantic love to be successful, there has to be the enjoyment, really the exploitation, of that sex energy. Unfortunately this energy can get dampened, by schedules or cultural norms or other beliefs. And fortunately, it can actually be turned back on. This starts with deliberate attention on the turn-on in the relationship, then learning the skills necessary to cultivate it (seduction, structure, flirting, and maximizing sexual pleasure, etc).
The third essential ingredient is “realness.” By this I mean, honesty, I mean being real with the person now, being present with the other person moment by moment. This is really can be the most challenging aspect of relationship, and there really is no easy way to do it. All we can do is be real NOW, no matter what the circumstances.
A nice aspect of all of this is that couples can support each other in the different areas, especially if one is strong where the other is weak. For example, someone strong in approval can approvingly request and help the other be more approving! Or if one is weak in realness, the stronger partner can point out when a situation isn’t feeling very real to them.
And finally, knowing that simply being more approving, turned-on, and real will improve a relationship is a relief! Whether looking for dating advice, wanting to improve a good relationship, or thinking about marriage counseling, this knowledge takes much of the mystery out of relationship problems!
Tags: approval, dating advice, emotions, honesty, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
June 10th, 2010
Relationship is the most common place intense emotions come up. The emotions are usually very sensitive, and can be the source of many relationship problems. Here is the best way I’ve found to handle them, broken into six steps:
 |
The first way to handle intense emotions is to create space for that emotion. Basically this means, don’t ignore the emotion. There is a tendency to turn away from and avoid the intensity of feeling that comes up for us when we relate to another person. Now, this also doesn’t mean address it immediately and irresponsibly with the other person as soon as it comes up. Really it means simply allow the experience you are having. Don’t run away, don’t obsess, just let the emotion be.
The second thing to do is admit what you’re feeling. This doesn’t mean you need to do anything about the emotion, rather it simply means face that you are feeling that way, acknowledge that you are experiencing this emotion. |
The third thing to do is to express the emotion constructively and artistically. For example, if you feel angry and do a collage about your anger, it allows you to get your hands around the emotion, to see it and taste it. By simply doing something with your emotion that is not avoidant, the experience will start to lift and open.
The fourth thing to do is Corework. This is a type of mediation we teach in the Pleasure Course in which one goes to the core of what one is feeling, one confronts one’s experience. Opening with a spiritual practice liberates negative emotions, sooths and calms excited emotions, and enhances positive and turned on emotions. Just as the third step deals with the emotion artistically, this step deals with it spiritually.
These first four steps have been getting into the emotion, really feeling it. Now one is ready for the fifth step: communicate. This step is fifth because one really wants to spend a lot of time being with one’s emotion, feeling it thoroughly, THEN you want to communicate. When we instantly rush to communicate what we’re feeling usually we end up dumping or projecting, and we end up dealing with the trigger of the emotion rather than dealing with the emotion at its root. Embracing and feeling the emotion thoroughly before communicating really makes communication possible.
Finally the emotion can be released. This step actually isn’t something you do actively, it is something that happens naturally if the above steps are taken. If one feels the emotion fully, then shares and communicates, the feeling will release.
To bottom line it, the best relationship advice I have is: do not shy away from the intensity of emotion. Intense emotions will always come up, whether on your first date, in a new relationship or you have the most established and healthy relationship. Go into them, embrace them. Even though this is the opposite of what we usually think to do, you’ll find your experience lift and open.
Tags: communication, emotions, meditation, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Realization, Relationship | 4 Comments »
June 6th, 2010
Date, date, date, date and date! The world of dating is where relationships are born. And if you’re not out there dating then you are stacking the odds against yourself.
 |
After almost 20 years of supporting people in creating great relationships, I can tell you the best place to meet a date is a party or social event where you know about half the people. This way you get introduced to people.
Finding your soul mate may seem daunting, but starting by simply going to a party so you can get out there and date creates an easy first step that will get the process rolling. |
Not only does being out there on the court increase the odds of meeting someone, it is also where you learn… about relating.
We’re all familiar with the challenging emotions that arise in the pursuit of love. These emotions are what sometimes keep us ‘off the court.’ But if you look at it like getting to a party today or this week, and then building on that, then it could actually be fun. And everyone else is nervous too. Doesn’t it sound fun to go to a party?
Find out about parties your friends are throwing or going to. Come to one of our parties. Just get out there and date.
Tags: dating advice
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 2 Comments »
June 1st, 2010
We often wonder if we are in the “right” relationship. Well… You are in the right relationship!… however it is, even if you don’t have one. It is such a relief to know that. Maybe things are exactly how they should be and maybe nothing is wrong.
| If you don’t like the relationship, then you can leave graciously, but that doesn’t mean anything is or was ever wrong with it. At the same time very deep emotions about love, finding love, marriage and so on, surface when we accept our relationship life how it is and how it feels. Now, you may leave your relationship at some point or you may not, but either way there does not need to be anything wrong with your relationship. |
 |
Whether you are on the first date, married, divorced, looking to date, or whatever, the best relationship advice I could give you is… enjoy it!
Tags: happiness, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 2 Comments »
May 28th, 2010
Every day Alicia and I discover more and more how female orgasm is the secret to greater and greater sexual pleasure. Sensual pleasure and sexual pleasure has been our focus for a combined 25 years of teaching people how to have, not only good relationships, but exceptionally turned on relationships! We are firm believers that a woman’s pleasure is the key to better sex for both him and her.
|
In addition to the sensual pleasure, great sex continually dissolves relationship problems as well as bringing intimacy and connection. The female libido has long been overlooked but, in the end, few people would deny their interest. Building a relationship that is so vibrantly and sexually charged, that it turns him and turns her on more than when it was a new relationship is something everyone desires.
|
 |
This morning Alicia and I had the best sex of our relationship, 8 years into it… and that is normal for us. Our lives as relationship advice givers, sexuality teachers, and teachers of personal growth take us to all kinds of highs and lows. At the same time, our sex life connects us in true love and increasingly greater sexual pleasure creating an enjoyable center to our relationship, our work and our lives.
Tags: better sex, female libido, female orgasm, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Relationship, Sex | 1 Comment »
May 23rd, 2010
The question comes in many ways, from singles, couples, men and women: How do I have better sex, I want to learn how to orgasm, is there a way to enhance male or female libido, what is female orgasm?
How to handle somebody sexually is the key. We call that “DOing” somebody. And you must “DO” the whole person.
 |
The first part of DOing somebody is DOing their head. That’s really their mind, the romantic part of their mind in particular. The way you DO somebody romantically is to appeal to what interests them. Find out what kind of music they like, where they like to eat, their favorite food. If you appeal to what interests the person, they will become interested in you. In the process of doing this, you enter their emotional body. |
As you put attention on them, as you grow closer to them romantically, you enter that emotional part of them, that tender part, a kind of a meeting of heart to heart.
First you DO somebody romantically, then you DO them sensually. Sensual pleasure is really about their body. It’s the physical body, but also the energy in their body. You accomplish this by getting them into their senses. People think of manipulation as a negative thing, but this is a type of positive manipulation, this is putting somebody at effect, handling the space and the time so they can relax and enjoy. As you’re getting them into their senses you want to feel what generates sexual excitement. Maybe you’ll notice certain smells that turn them on, or maybe certain types of environments: the living room, the bedroom, the massage room, whatever it happens to be. Certain parts of their bodies may turn them on more than others. As it becomes more physical, it becomes tenderer, and even more vulnerable. So as the DOer, you really want to take care of them, you really want to make sure they’re feeling good.
DOing somebody is like a culmination, a build. You DO their head, you DO their body, and now you’re touching them in ways that turn them on. If you keep doing that, you’ll find that you’ll increasingly move toward their sex: their sex energy and their sex organs. Finally, you’re DOing them sexually. There you focus on sexual arousal, on orgasm and ecstatic bodily pleasure. If you touch their sex with increasing pleasure, you’ll notice that what feels good to you is actually what feels good to them. They will move into a greater state of bodily pleasure, eventually to the point of orgasm, and even sustained orgasm. The potential really is infinite!
Approach sexual pleasure deliberately: DO them romantically first, then sensually, and finally sexually.
Tags: better sex, female libido, female orgasm, how to orgasm, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 4 Comments »
May 18th, 2010
The most important quality a partner can have for an exceptional love life is willingness to grow. Is a partner open to personal growth, are they open to change? They may be great already, and are they willing to expand, are they willing to take it to the next level? If they are, the relationship has a quality of adventure, of newness and freshness. If they’re not, the relationship starts to become stale. People start to grate on each other, people loose that vibrant quality, and people’s sex lives go down.
 |
All of us have patterns, and these patterns generally start to dominate once the novelty of a new relationship wears off. If you come across one of those patterns and it’s not working for the relationship, you can bet that if the person is not open and available for growth that pattern is not going to shift. If they are open to personal growth, you know that they’re going to address it, that it can change. |
This gives the relationship agility, a type of absorption. The relationship gains that soulmate quality, getting better and better, and allows us to overcome those patterned parts of ourselves that inevitably arise in any healthy relationship.
This is not only how to pick a relationship partner, it’s how to be in relationship. In fact it’s the most important way to be in a relationship. Whether you’re on the first date or thinking about marriage, if you and your partner are open, then the world is your oyster. Any possibility for sensuality, communication, intimacy, love, and friendship is available because the relationship isn’t stuck.
If you ever find yourself not open to growth, simply re-open to personal growth. If a prospective partner isn’t open to growth, invite them to be open to growth. Wherever you or someone else is at, the great news is: openness is always available.
Tags: important quality, openness, Personal Growth, pick a partner
Posted in Finding a partner, Personal Growth, Relationship | 1 Comment »
