November 16th, 2010
Let’s face it, most people don’t love their jobs. Enjoying your work is critical to being happy because, like most people, you probably spend half or even most of your day working. You may wonder what you can do about it. You may feel resigned about it. And… you may love your job and simply want to know how you could love it even more. Here’s how:
| 1. Do what you love for work. For some people this may mean taking a radical step and switching careers. For others it doesn’t. But, thinking this radically may be necessary because we spend so much time working.
2. Bring what you love to work. For example, if you are a big people person but work in front of computer, you can emphasize the aspects of the job that involve working with others, or if you’re really into yoga you can focus on things like your posture and your breathing as you are working (Yoga is an elaborate discipline, aspects of which can be brought to any activity.) |
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Maybe you can bring your cat to work (if that would light you up), or play the music you like (which can really change your mood at work). You get the idea; bring the things, qualities and activities that you love into your job no matter what it is. This has limitless potential, but requires creativity.
3. Spiritualize your work. This rarely occurs to people, but is actually the most important. Let’s stay with the Yoga theme. Yoga, although usually looked at as a form of exercise, is actually a spiritual discipline involving concentration and meditation. Concentrating and focusing on what you are doing is a spiritual activity. Meditating doesn’t need to mean sitting in lotus position with your eyes closed focusing on your inner self. Many forms of meditation are done while engaged in an activity. That activity could be anything, even what you do for work!
When I lived in a Zen monastery we did meditate while sitting, but we also meditated while plowing the fields, while cooking and even while relating to each other. It changes the quality of the experience totally. You even get better at whatever you are doing because you are more focused. For this purpose, I will summarize meditation as ‘focus on your awareness’. No matter where you are at about your work this will add to your experience of joy while working.
We start each Oracle of Life and Love session that I teach with meditation. And in the Oracle of Sex, Money and Power we add in this “Career lens” of loving your job. Having a structure of support for these critical activities makes all the difference.
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Tags: happiness, having fun, Personal Growth
Posted in Being Happy, Personal Growth | 9 Comments »
November 9th, 2010
We had an amazing live event last Wednesday where 50 people discovered their relationship personality type and it’s assets and liabilities. It was a blast!
What’s yours?
Basically there are 3 or 5 types depending on how you slice it up. This is based on nearly twenty years of giving relationship advice and supporting people in their love lives and I can tell
| you, although we are all unique, there are definitely general orientations that people fall into. These orientations depend on your preferred ways of responding to pain and difficulty when dealing with relationship problems. As you know, we each have a relationship blueprint, a set of information we use to navigate relationships buried deep in our unconscious. That blueprint instructs us to deal the pains of intimacy by avoiding them, challenging the other or surrendering. These are the three basic types: the Avoider, the Softy and the Meany. |
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There are two other types which are really versions of the prior types but they show up often enough that we consider them types of their own. One is the troublemaker, basically a Meany who is also an avoider. It’s the rebel or black sheep type, on their own stirring things up. And lastly, the Clueless, who comes in two varieties: the naïve and the arrogant. Both don’t know much about relationship (i.e. they’re clueless, but the arrogant type thinks they know a ton.)
From these brief descriptions you probably have a sense for your primary type. We all use all three (or 5 if you like) types, so having a combination is OK, but make sure you know your primary type. It’s really helpful in relationship to know it.
Then you can correct course! Meanys should be nice! Avoiders do well to show up; Softys benefit by asserting themselves; Troublemakers do well supporting something or someone; and the Clueless should learn!
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Tags: blueprint, relationship coaching, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 2 Comments »
November 2nd, 2010
Last night I figured I would watch a video so through Netflix I picked an old Japanese movie Oneida. Liking old Japanese movies and not knowing Japanese I just launched into it not knowing what it was about. Turns out it was about two Japanese women killing a lost Samurai to sell their gear to buy rice. The title meant Demon Woman. Watching this movie right before bed really did a job on my sleep.
| The next morning I went out for tea and at the table next to me two men and two women were talking loudly, “Let me tell you the worst of it… her husband was diagnosed with cancer and two weeks later her cat dies…” and something else I can’t remember, but equally painful. Of course, difficult things happen to people, but I couldn’t help but notice how they were drooling over the conversation topic like a tasty morsel saved up to share.
Then I figured I would read the paper… and I don’t need to tell you it wasn’t a summary of all the good news from around the globe but exactly the opposite. As if they scoured the planet to find the worst things they could write about. Oh yeah, they did! |
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For better or worse, this is the world that surrounds most of us. It is the culture we live in. And it has only gotten more pain oriented over the last half century. Look at TV programming or movie titles for clear proof.
Fortunately, I practice Yoga, not just as a physical discipline but a spiritual one as well. An aspect of the Yogic path is called “Pratyahara”, which means turning the senses inward. My yoga teacher, Menuso, is a disciple of Iyengar, who was a disciple of Krishnacharya. Krishnacharya practiced Pratyahara intensely in early 19th century India. He walked around eyes cast down, didn’t listen to music, and so on, so as not to be distracted. And this was a nearly a decade ago when the distractions were far fewer, especially in rural India.
But what was he avoiding distraction from?
In short, the unending source of happiness, Being itself, as experienced in the human soul. The good news is that there is not an ounce less of that unending source of happiness today than there was back then. It is something we tap into all the time. The clichéd example is how we feel when we see a beautiful sunset. Maybe the sunset is just a moment of undistracted calmness when we to turn our attention to the vastness and openness of life, a beautiful sight that encourages us to look within although our eyes gaze outward.
Perhaps the unending source of happiness is at your fingertips all the time.
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Tags: attention, happiness
Posted in Being Happy, Personal Growth | 5 Comments »
October 26th, 2010
Women fear being unattractive more than anything.
Men’s greatest fear is failure.
Men have their sense of self worth invested heavily in their success. That success could be financial, sexual, spiritual or any other area of life. Men view things in terms of success. It’s like a filter through which they perceive life.
| A woman’s sense of self-esteem is far more dependent on her attractiveness. Women experience life far more relationally. Their ability to attract the kind of relationships, especially romantic, that they want is crucial to their sense of self worth. Nowadays, these aren’t politically correct things to say. We could also debate why this is so. Is it biological, cultural or some other reason… or some combination? Regardless of why or whether it is O.K. to say in today’s cultural climate, after almost two decades of supporting men and women in having exceptionally intimate and turned on relationships, I have found these to be the greatest fears that each sex has. |
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If you think about it, these are very useful things to know about when relating to the opposite sex… whether it is your first date, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, or the person serving you your coffee in the morning. Knowing someone’s greatest fear can give you a lot of insight into how to make them feel good and like you more.
Alicia makes me feel like a winner and I make sure she knows how beautiful and attractive she is. It’s one of the secrets to the success of our marriage.
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Tags: approval, attention, failure, self-esteem, success
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
October 18th, 2010
Relationships have a natural path through stages. In the Pleasure Course we focus on those stages in detail, but for now let’s just use their titles: the new and exciting stage, the best friends and lovers stage and the eternal date stage.
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People run into difficulty because they may be more comfortable at one stage and not another, or they may have skills in one stage and not another. We have found this difficulty to be the case for most people. You may have a tendency to try to rush ahead, say to the eternal date (a committed relationship), or a tendency to stay behind, say eternally dating (and never getting serious). The most common scenario that we have found over the last 17 years of teaching people to have successful romantic relationships is that of a woman wanting to rush ahead in the relationship, prematurely pushing toward commitment, and a man wanting to keep it in the dating stage, often way beyond when moving forward would create more depth and quality of romance. This was the scenario that Alicia and I had to move through. |
This is only the most common scenario. The roles can be reversed, the middle stage of relationship can come into play, and so on. The possible permutations are infinite. The point is that our individual relationship blueprints (our personal psychologies) can distort a natural progression through the stages at the appropriate time for maximum pleasure and romance.
How do you know when to take a relationship to the next level? You have to get out of your head and simply be present to the relationship. There will be a feeling, a sense that you can tap into, as to whether the relationship is due to upgrade. If you aren’t inhibiting it, it will happen naturally. If you are rushing it, and you get out of your head and simply be present to the relationship, there will be a natural tendency to slow down.
This is one of the beauties of life. Things flow naturally if we get out the way. That is a tall order, I must admit. It really is a spiritual process that we have covered and will cover in other topics. But, for now, know that you have to be present to the relationship not your relationship blueprint. Have your attention on the relationship, not on yourself!
Life also provides hints! Your friends (who have good relationships) are pushing you in one direction or the other. Or, you’ve been dating this person for a really long time, say years… probably time to cut bait or move forward. Or, you just started dating a few weeks ago and you are trying to push it forward… probably good to slow down.
You get the idea!
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Tags: blueprint, Committment, dating advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 1 Comment »
October 11th, 2010
The biggest mistake that people make in romantic relationship is bringing out the worst in their partner. This applies to long standing relationships, the first date and everything in between.
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Relationships have tricky and often complex dynamics. Sometimes what we perceive in someone else is actually what we are creating over there in them! Projecting our fears and concerns onto the other person is how this all get’s started.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say you are afraid that your partner will reject you or be mad at you about something, so you are defensive, maybe even hostile. Then they are mad. Maybe they don’t know what is going on, but they feel put off, so they are distant and in a sense reject you. |
This is the biggest relationship mistake that people make: they act in ways with their partners that bring out the worst in the other person. Disapproving of your partner is guaranteed to do this!
This creates a vicious circle. What we feared has become the case. Seldom do we realize our part in creating it.
Avoid the most damaging relationship mistake. Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt!
Tags: approval, emotions, mistake
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
October 4th, 2010
The fastest way to end up completely, totally miserable is to feel bad about feeling bad. Everyone feels bad sometimes, sometimes really bad. That’s life. Things happen, everything from stubbing your toe to someone dear to us dying. But if you decide that it is bad that you are feeling bad you are on a slippery slope downwards.
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Why? Because now you have twice as much bad: you have the bad you originally felt about whatever happened and the bad about feeling bad. Twice as much bad! Which quickly turns into three times as much bad because you feel bad about all that bad!!
You see how this goes. Feeling bad can snowball very quickly.
So in my teaching work, where we are dealing with the very sensitive matter of intimacy, spiritual life and people’s love lives, my relationship advice is, “Look up”. Where you put your attention is where you will go… in fact, it is more than that; it is what you will become!
This doesn’t mean don’t feel bad if you do feel bad about something. Of course, it is good to confront emotions, to feel them and feel through them, to clarify and release them. We call that “Corework.” That is very different than “tripping” about them, over processing them and feeling bad about them. |
That is a dramatic hobby that I don’t recommend. One I mastered in high school and college listening to Pink Floyd in my dorm room, lights out, candles lit and a relentless focus on what was wrong. I can tell you it didn’t help my dating, social life or spiritual life.
Being diligent about having a positive attitude in life is very different than suppressing emotions with some sort of false positivism. False positivism leads to numbness and feeling bad about feeling bad is a quick ticket to hell.
Don’t look down! Confront what is, and tilt your gaze skywards.
Tags: approval, emotions, happiness, relationship advice
Posted in Being Happy, Personal Growth | 2 Comments »
September 26th, 2010
People resist intimacy primarily because they are hurt and afraid. To whatever degree you find yourself pulling away from your partner, resisting having one or buffering yourself from really being close with someone is the degree to which you are caught in a cycle of hurt and fear followed by all of the strange ways of being that we use as responses to that hurt and fear.
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The hurt and fear, along with all the overlaid responses are what we call your relationship blueprint. Hurt and fear underlie the relationship blueprint and are the source of many relationship problems. They are the underbelly of the blueprint. The blueprint is used to protect ourselves. As children we felt hurt, quickly followed by fear. Makes sense, right? Then we quickly put together a system to handle that. |
The hurt comes from a variety of experiences: different versions of being abused or not being seen and acknowledged. Basically, we are raised in a less than ideal environment. This is inevitable, to some degree, because the environment can never be ideal.
The problem is that the blueprint, the distancing ourselves from others, ends up creating more hurt and fear. We end up in the vicious circle caused by responding to our hurt and fear in ways that cause more hurt and fear, damaging our relationships and love life.
The most common relationship blueprint orientations, in response to the hurt and fear, are: attacking, avoiding, acquiescing and ignoring.
We’ll explore these relationship blueprint orientations in future topics. For now, the most important point is to feel through the blueprint to it’s underbelly of hurt and fear. This is where healing can happen.
Tags: blueprint, intimacy, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 27 Comments »
September 21st, 2010
What is the most powerful and immediate way to be more attractive?
This was a theme that came up in the Pleasure Course and something that people have been interested in forever. A million different approaches have been tried and they usually revolve around addressing one’s appearance, level of wealth and sometimes one’s way of being (more confident, for example). While all of these can be helpful and we often recommend them, they are NOT the most powerful and most immediate way to be more attractive.
| The most powerful and immediate way to be more attractive is to be turned on to your self. This covers everything from liking yourself, who you are, to being turned on by your body.
Being turned on by your body is the most important part. If you don’t like your body and approve of it why should someone else…. And they won’t in most cases or at least not for long.
It makes sense to people that if you don’t like yourself, then you send the message out that you aren’t that likeable and people respond to that. |
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Well the same is true of being attracted to your body. If you don’t enjoy your body, that is the message you send. In fact it is even more than that. Because if you aren’t turned on by your body, then your hormones are not thriving, are not pumping and your aren’t physically attracting people, literally.
The visual inventory part of the Sensuality Exercises is a great place to get more turned on to your body.
In the Pleasure Course several people shared about looking at their bodies, not through their filter of concepts and standards but actually perceiving their bodies in the mirror as if for the first time. Each time they approved of what they saw and you could feel them become more attractive. Each time we asked the participants if the person was more attractive as they described what they saw and each time every said yes.
We would be billionaires if we could bottle that, but at least we can tell you how to do it: Do the sensuality exercise of visual inventory, look at your body not through your concepts but rather at what is there and find new things that you like.
You will become more attractive to the degree that you do that!
P.S. this also trains you how to view someone else’s body!
Tags: approval, attractiveness
Posted in Personal Growth | 1 Comment »
September 17th, 2010
The way to work with deem emotions is first to allow them and really feel them, and then use skillful means with them, vs indulging them. The first point is the most important, and it really means confronting the emotion, allowing it to be, whatever it happens to be. The practice that we use here at Erwan Davon Teachings for this is the practice of core work. Core work is going deeply into your emotions, especially how they are expressed and felt in the body, sometimes using the breath and sometimes using a 5-step process. What we’ve noticed over the years with hundreds of people is that this process tends to lift and open emotions, particularly negative ones.
| The point of this is to have space for these intense emotions. In today’s world we spend a lot of time running around, distracted by TV and the internet, etc. This can cause an emotional deficit or a sense of distance from oneself or the whole emotional dimension of life. Part of working with deep emotions is in the design of your lifestyle, making sure there’s some time for you to just be, time to feel. |
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That can look a lot of different ways, like sitting mediation, walking on the beach or to work, and it can even be sports if it allows you to focus on your inner experience. It’s really important to actually have some space in one’s life to be, so things can percolate up and let go.
The second part of working with deep emotions is to be skillful with them, not to indulge or repress them. There are many ways you could do this – for example, you could journal, or you could discuss your emotions with somebody. What’s important is not to not act it out. If you act out on a negative, patterned emotion you end up reinforcing it. This doesn’t mean we should ignore them, but rather to use a more meditative or spiritual approach to be with them, to deal with them, liberate them, and let them go.
With deep emotions, there’s no magic bullet. There’s only the feeling through process and the releasing of negative emotions, and the expression of healthy, positive emotions.
Tags: communication, emotions, meditation
Posted in Personal Growth | 13 Comments »
September 10th, 2010
In the 27 combined years Alicia and I have been working with people and transforming their relationship and sex lives, one of the things that we’ve noticed is that everyone has particular patterns that they aren’t aware of. There are blind spots as to things that we all do and ways of being that we all bring into our sex lives, and they can be the source of many relationship problems.
| They may be obvious from the outside, for example if somebody were videoing us, but from the inside we may not even know that we are doing that. For example, somebody could be very timid, in bed they don’t move very much, or they’re very tentative in their touch. But to themselves, they probably don’t feel or know that they’re being timid. To them, that is just how it is, it’s just normal. Just like we might walk a particular way, it might even be a funny way, but for us we’re just walking. |
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That is what a blind spot is. A blind spot is a blind spot because you don’t see what is actually going on or how you’re being. There is a lack of perspective. Look for yourselves right now. What might be a blind spot for you? It could be any way of being, or a habit, or a tendency, or a behavior. It could be being silent, it could be being withdrawn, it could be being aggressive. Some of the best relationship advice I could give in this area is to ask somebody else’s opinion, especially a current or past lover! It’s a really fun conversation. It can open up a lot of things, and can help build a very healthy relationship and love life.
Tags: blind spot, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 5 Comments »
August 27th, 2010
Once you’ve uncovered you’re romantic blueprint (see part 1 of this topic), the second step is creating a new blueprint. This can be a very fun process. Start picking things from your blueprint that you’d like to change, and then practice acting out of the new way of being. Over time you can re-write your entire blueprint: how you’re interacting with the opposite sex, how you feel about flirting, a first date, boyfriend/girlfriend, commitment, , how you deal with relationship problems, your ability to be vulnerable or sweep a person off their feet, etc. And this can be an on-going process. Blueprints can be negative in two ways: They can be made of negative material, and they can be stagnant. The beauty of re-writing your blueprint is that you can do it all the time, informing your new blueprint with spirit rather than a fixed point of view.
| Now that you’ve uncovered your blueprint and created a new one, step three is to motivate yourself. This involves bringing your heart and feeling into the new blueprint. If these aren’t there, the new blueprint is just going to be a good idea that falls by the wayside. There are two parts to motivating yourself. The first is to investigate it: Does this matter? How important is this to me? If you engage in this inquiry and bring your heart into it (not just your head), you’ll feel that your romantic fate is a really big deal. The |
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key is to invest feeling into your new blueprint. Talking about your blueprint with people who are important in your life, or creating a collage, are two great ways of engaging with the new blueprint with your heart. The second part to motivating yourself is to take on your new blueprint in small chunks. Taking on a new blueprint can be overwhelming, and addressing small pieces of it at a time (e.g. setting a goal of going on an extra date every week, rather than going straight for a committed relationship with Mr. Right) is key.
Finally the fourth step is adapting your environment. Your environment is probably structured in such a way as to support your old blueprint. Identifying these structures, and altering them such that they support your new blueprint is key in having your new blueprint take hold. For example, if your new blueprint involves more sensual time with your partner, adding sensual items to your bedroom like candles, flowers, incense, and sexy décor can be a way of supporting this.
Re-writing your romantic fate is a large undertaking. With these steps, it can really happen, and the rewards are well worth it!
Tags: blueprint, intention, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth, Romantic Blueprint | 2 Comments »
August 17th, 2010
We all have a romantic fate. If you look into your future, you’ve probably got a sense of how your romance is going to go. It may be great, it may not be so great, and it may be somewhere in the middle. That is your romantic fate.
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Where does this fate come from? It comes from something I call your “romantic blueprint.” This is the template, or set of principles or beliefs, that you’re using to guide yourself in your romance and love life. The problems with most people’s blueprint are first that it was designed between the ages of 0 and 15, and second it usually lives in a blind spot and operates unconsciously. In your love life, you may have noticed yourself acting out a repetitive pattern that leads to relationship problems. Despite seeing this pattern, you find yourself compelled to continue acting that way, and getting the same |
results. The reason that this is going on is because the romantic blue print is guiding this action, and this blueprint is in a blind spot.
So, what are the steps to rewriting your romantic blueprint, and hence your romantic fate?
The first, and most important step, is to uncover your romantic blueprint. A great way to do this is sit down with a piece of paper and write out the patterns in your relationship history, your beliefs about relationship, what your relationship future looks like, etc. Getting it out concretely on paper is important (conversations about it can be very useful but miss the physical element).
I remember, before I got in relationship with Alicia, I noticed that my relationships had progressed only to a certain point. I was OK at dating, I was pretty good at boyfriend/girlfriend, but committed just wasn’t really happening for me. So one day I wrote down all the girlfriends I had had in my life (about 10 at that point) and then, because it was there in front of me, it hit me like a bolt of lightning…in my mind I created something wrong with each and every one of them. Part of my blueprint was a belief that there is something wrong with my romantic partner. (See the post titled Getting over my relationship hang-ups for more detail on this.)
Part 2 of this entry will tell you what to do with your blueprint once you’ve uncovered it!
Tags: blueprint, relationship problems, romantic fate
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 4 Comments »
August 10th, 2010
Nowadays, we’re all very busy. Sometimes romance gets squeezed out of our schedules and disappears in the face of all the other stuff there is to do. So here are a three great ways to jazz up a romance amidst a busy life:
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1. Prioritize. If having a healthy relationship and a life full of good strong love is important to you, cut the less important stuff out. And, the essential piece here is, make it real by putting romance into your calendar. We may think we don’t need to be reminded to be romantic or make time for sex, but the reality is, we all need to be reminded to do the fun and pleasurable stuff. |
2. Take regular vacations with a focus on romance. This doesn’t mean spending a lot of time or money. Alicia and I go on vacation at least once a month, often to a place just minutes outside of San Francisco for the weekend. A couple of days a month devoted fully to romance (leave your cell phones, laptops, and kids home!) can do wonders for your love life.
3. Maintain chemistry. There are many ways to add romance to a relationship that don’t take up a lot of time, or even need you to be in the same place as your partner. Having flowers delivered, leaving a note behind before you leave for work, sending a sexy text on your lunch break, are all examples of easy things to do that can create and maintain chemistry and polarity between a couple, especially in the middle of a busy work day or week.
Tags: relationship problems, schedule
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 1 Comment »
August 8th, 2010
One of the keys to getting connected when engaged in sensual contact is to begin the sex act connected. This is because you’re not likely to get more connected than you started. During a sex act, the act may become more sexual, it may deepen, things may open up, but because of the intensity of sex, if you’re disconnected from the person from the start, you’re likely to drift more into your own separate space amidst all of the emotions, thoughts, and body sensations that sex is.
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Last Monday in the Oracle of Life and Love, someone asked how to be vulnerable. We told him that the bottom line is to take risks. This really is the path way to getting connected with someone. You get connected to someone by risking yourself, by being intimate with the person, and relative to sex, you want to start from this platform. Taking risks may look like telling the other person what feels good, asking for something, sharing how you’re feeling or asking the other person how they’re feeling. |
For me personally, deepening my relationship with Alicia both sexually and non-sexually is often a process of feeling through a sense of withdrawal, a sense of separateness, which stems in part from being an only child. The risk for me really is not to withdraw, and instead to feel through the desire to separate and really reach out and be physical.
To wrap up, you can get connected by taking risks, by being open, and by being vulnerable with the other person. And in sex, get connected first. It could take five minutes to get connected, which could look like having a five minute conversation with the other person, or it may take only a second, just giving a little wink. Either way, if you start connected, sex can really be incredible.
Tags: better sex, communication, Personal Growth, vulnerability
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | Comments Off
July 29th, 2010
Before we talk about what to say, we should ask, why communicate during sex? There are really four reasons. First, talking about what you’re doing is a good way to keep your mind on what you’re doing. The biggest cause of decreased sexual appetite (whether male or female libido) is mental distraction.
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We all have a tendency to think about work, or the shopping list, or some errand we need to run. Talking really keeps you in the moment. The second reason is because talking adds to the amount of sensation and increases sexual pleasure. In the 17 years I’ve been doing this, when people communicate, they report that sensation increases for both the talker and listener. The third reason to talk is because talking promotes learning for |
each person. You both get educated, and educate the other person about what feels good and what doesn’t. It really is a way to uncover men and women’s secrets, and is how to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Finally the fourth and probably most important reason is that talking is pleasurable. People often have difficulty with talking in the beginning, they say it takes them out of the moment or they get hung up on what to say, so it does take some learning, but it’s worth it for all of the previous reasons, and especially because it’s pleasurable to do.
There are three things you can talk about. The first is, talk about what you’re noticing, how things look or feel or smell. The second thing to talk about is how much you’re enjoying the experience. This really feels good for you and the other person, and juices the whole situation up. Finally, you can talk positively about the person or circumstance. You can talk about how well the other person is doing, how romantic the space is that was setup, that you’re glad you set aside the time to do this, etc.
I remember, before I started researching sensuality, women had always felt sort of distant to me, even while we were making love. Certainly there would be moments of connection, but there was generally a distance and mystery about the other person and what was going on, and it always put me in my head. Then, I remember a moment 20 years ago, I was touching a woman, and she said to me, “That’s the spot!” And I could actually feel on my finger how good that spot felt, and all of a sudden I realized that we were both feeling the same thing. In that moment I learned how the most sensitive spot on a woman’s clitoris feels. It really was her communication that allowed me to feel that and learn that.
I’ll wrap up by giving some specific things you could say:
- “Would you….?” (Would you go a little slower, would you lighten the pressure, would you move to the left, etc).
- “Thank you!” It’s important to complete the cycle of communication. If you ask for something, and the person responds, even if they didn’t get it totally right, complete the cycle, say thank you, and that way you can move cleanly on to the next communication.
- “That feels great!” Approval is very important. And don’t be afraid to use the same compliment over and over again. What’s important is that you authentically approve of what is going on.
- If you’re the DOer: “Your (clitoris, cock, skin, etc) feels (silky, engorged, etc)” A specific approval works very well. Detail can really be exquisite. You could also describe how something looks or smells, etc.
- If you’re the DOee: “Your (finger, hand…) feels (electric, like it’s pulling the pleasure out of me, etc)”
The bottom line really is, say things that make the other person feel good. Say things that are pleasurable. It really is that simple. And, you’ll notice that those are the things that have you feel good too.
Tags: better sex, communication, DOing, female libido, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 3 Comments »
July 21st, 2010
Alicia and I get asked thousands of questions about sex every year. The sex question people ask us the most is “How do I have more sex?” The question is usually not asked that straightforwardly, but that usually is the question that is actually being asked.
| The answer to this question is very different from a woman’s point of view than from a man’s point of view. From a woman’s point of view, the key is turn-on. Women have a very natural ability to be turned-on, sensual, and attractive. Learning how to access, cultivate, and use the female libido is key. There are many reasons a woman might avoid being turned-on: it can be risky, it’s vulnerable, and it’s certainly sensational, but the truth of the matter is turn-on really is the way to get more sex.
The best way to go about developing your turn on as a woman is by acknowledging and |
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feeling it in your body. You can play with the clothing you wear, practice DOing yourself, read books, etc. The key is really being intentional about approving of whatever level of turn-on you have, because at any given moment there really is some level of turn-on going on in your body.
From a man’s point of view, there are two keys: being fun, and finding out what she wants. If he’s being fun and finding out what she wants, it will gradually go towards what human beings are wired up biologically to want, which is really ecstatic sexual pleasure and romantic love. Being fun really means being light, being playful, flirting. It’s really having the focus on having a good time. There’s a certain amount of this that is being in charge, being strong, being fun in the masculine way that women are really drawn to and that will turn her on, and that’s balanced by finding out what she wants, by his attention being on her. To sum it up, he’s in charge of giving her what she wants.
In my own life growing up I was a bit of a wreck (for a variety of reasons that we will explore at a later point!) and I think women actually liked that because there was a lot of motion, a lot of action. I think that was fun for them. And in terms of paying attention and finding out what they wanted, I’m just blessed that I got some hints!
You many notice that these three skills are the skills of the “new and exciting” stage of romantic relationship. This is why a new relationship typically has so much juice and energy and sex. When people enter the middle game of relationship or marriage, they often leave these skills behind, and the sexual pleasure and frequency diminish.
Diminishing sex and sexual pleasure is one of the most common relationship problems we encounter. The way to get more sex is go right back to what you were doing on your first date: be turned-on, fun, and find out what she wants.
Tags: approval, attention, better sex, DOing, having fun, intention, relationship problems, sexual pleasure, turn-on
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 6 Comments »
July 17th, 2010
About 10 years ago, before I met Alicia, I remember having an intuitive hunch about myself. The hunch was that something was off. What gave me that hunch was that I had been in relationship with some incredible women, but none of the relationships had lasted. I realized that it had something to do with me, that it was a relationship problem, or hang-up, of mine.
| Before this hunch I really thought the relationships ended because they weren’t right for some reason. I thought there was something wrong with each of the relationships, and even each of those women. When I actually listed the qualities of each woman, I saw that I had been so critical of each of them that I somehow found something that made her the wrong person, and justified to myself not being involved, and in some cases even being superior. I realized this hang-up was really costing me in my relationships and my love life. |
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I also saw that this hang-up was defensive in nature. The women in my past really had been incredible. They were gorgeous, funny, lit-up, and I had been blocking them from coming into my life. I saw that this defensiveness was covering up an underlying sense of being unlovable. Underneath it all, I really feared that each of those women were unavailable for loving me. This complex thought pattern was really dominating my relationships and love life. It was part of my relationship blueprint which was not working for me.
Identifying this part of my blueprint, and the consequences (the lack of relationship), left me with a bit of a sick feeling. As I felt into this feeling, through a meditation practice we teach in the Pleasure Course called “corework,” I began to notice a deep sense of vulnerability. As I felt this vulnerability more and more fully, the sick feeling of worry began to lift. It felt like a weight rising off of my chest and shoulders. In that moment of feeling, I could see my future opening up. A quality of enjoyment and pleasure started to come into my experience.
It was this process of fully feeling through the emotions behind my hang-up, moment by moment, that really put me in a place to love and commit in my current relationship with Alicia. It is relationship advice that I would recommend to anyone with a relationship or sexual hangup.
Tags: blueprint, emotions, meditation, Personal Growth, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth, Romantic Blueprint | 53 Comments »
July 4th, 2010
The launch party for Erwan Davon Teachings was the most fun I had ever had at a party. Everywhere you looked the most incredible people were having so much fun.
It was a party of enlightened people!
And they were all turned on!
The Pleasure Course that led up to the party was the best ever. I have to give the credit to the team and participants for playing full out, and really bringing their relationship lives to the next level. The Demonstration of extended 15 minute orgasm on Sunday was the height of the experience. I was so moved during it.
Again, I say thank you to the whole community around Erwan Davon Teachings for launching this new phase in style.
Tags: happiness, having fun
Posted in Being Happy, Personal Growth | 27 Comments »
June 17th, 2010
On June 27th I am throwing a cocktail party to celebrate the launch of Erwan Davon Teachings, a brand new look and feel to the Pleasure Course and our Relationship Curriculum. You and your friends are invited.
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It is a way of saying thank you to the Bay Area for the tremendous recognition that has come toward me in supporting singles and couples over the last 17 years. It is hard to believe it has been 17 years since the first Pleasure Course! I started teaching the Pleasure Course in Berkeley, and then it quickly moved to San Francisco and into retreat centers all over the San Francisco Bay Area. |
The group of people who surround this work are truly the most exceptional, turned on and fun loving people that I could ever wish to share my life with. Come mingle with them and me.
Our new website will be the “piece de resistance” and we will have appetizers and drinks to enjoy.
Sunday June 27, 8:00-10:00pm
Blue Sky Studios
2325 3rd st Suite 434 #1, San Francisco
The event is free, but you will need to be on the guest list to gain admission: Click here to sign up and be on the guest list! I hope you join us.
Thank you,
Erwan
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
June 17th, 2010
What makes the difference in any relationship is that each whole person is there and available for the relating. There are three aspects to this, and enhancing any one will really help any relationship succeed. This relationship advice really applies to any relationship, whether the first date, a brand new relationship, or a marriage.
| The first essential ingredient is approval. This means being emotionally available to the other person. When we are emotionally available, we are loving. I mean something wider here than simply saying nice things, I really mean the loving, warm, caring that emanates towards the other when we are emotionally available to that person. For some, expressing emotions readily is easy. For others, it brings up a feeling of vulnerability and being unsafe. |
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These feelings are generally rooted in a deep hurt experienced during childhood. When this hurt is felt, we emotionally bind up and harden because we don’t want to be hurt again. Noticing this hurt is the first step toward healing it, which allows us to become more emotionally open and vulnerable with another.
The second essential ingredient is turn-on or chemistry. For romantic love to be successful, there has to be the enjoyment, really the exploitation, of that sex energy. Unfortunately this energy can get dampened, by schedules or cultural norms or other beliefs. And fortunately, it can actually be turned back on. This starts with deliberate attention on the turn-on in the relationship, then learning the skills necessary to cultivate it (seduction, structure, flirting, and maximizing sexual pleasure, etc).
The third essential ingredient is “realness.” By this I mean, honesty, I mean being real with the person now, being present with the other person moment by moment. This is really can be the most challenging aspect of relationship, and there really is no easy way to do it. All we can do is be real NOW, no matter what the circumstances.
A nice aspect of all of this is that couples can support each other in the different areas, especially if one is strong where the other is weak. For example, someone strong in approval can approvingly request and help the other be more approving! Or if one is weak in realness, the stronger partner can point out when a situation isn’t feeling very real to them.
And finally, knowing that simply being more approving, turned-on, and real will improve a relationship is a relief! Whether looking for dating advice, wanting to improve a good relationship, or thinking about marriage counseling, this knowledge takes much of the mystery out of relationship problems!
Tags: approval, dating advice, emotions, honesty, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
June 10th, 2010
Relationship is the most common place intense emotions come up. The emotions are usually very sensitive, and can be the source of many relationship problems. Here is the best way I’ve found to handle them, broken into six steps:
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The first way to handle intense emotions is to create space for that emotion. Basically this means, don’t ignore the emotion. There is a tendency to turn away from and avoid the intensity of feeling that comes up for us when we relate to another person. Now, this also doesn’t mean address it immediately and irresponsibly with the other person as soon as it comes up. Really it means simply allow the experience you are having. Don’t run away, don’t obsess, just let the emotion be.
The second thing to do is admit what you’re feeling. This doesn’t mean you need to do anything about the emotion, rather it simply means face that you are feeling that way, acknowledge that you are experiencing this emotion. |
The third thing to do is to express the emotion constructively and artistically. For example, if you feel angry and do a collage about your anger, it allows you to get your hands around the emotion, to see it and taste it. By simply doing something with your emotion that is not avoidant, the experience will start to lift and open.
The fourth thing to do is Corework. This is a type of mediation we teach in the Pleasure Course in which one goes to the core of what one is feeling, one confronts one’s experience. Opening with a spiritual practice liberates negative emotions, sooths and calms excited emotions, and enhances positive and turned on emotions. Just as the third step deals with the emotion artistically, this step deals with it spiritually.
These first four steps have been getting into the emotion, really feeling it. Now one is ready for the fifth step: communicate. This step is fifth because one really wants to spend a lot of time being with one’s emotion, feeling it thoroughly, THEN you want to communicate. When we instantly rush to communicate what we’re feeling usually we end up dumping or projecting, and we end up dealing with the trigger of the emotion rather than dealing with the emotion at its root. Embracing and feeling the emotion thoroughly before communicating really makes communication possible.
Finally the emotion can be released. This step actually isn’t something you do actively, it is something that happens naturally if the above steps are taken. If one feels the emotion fully, then shares and communicates, the feeling will release.
To bottom line it, the best relationship advice I have is: do not shy away from the intensity of emotion. Intense emotions will always come up, whether on your first date, in a new relationship or you have the most established and healthy relationship. Go into them, embrace them. Even though this is the opposite of what we usually think to do, you’ll find your experience lift and open.
Tags: communication, emotions, meditation, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in Being Happy, How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship | 4 Comments »
June 6th, 2010
Date, date, date, date and date! The world of dating is where relationships are born. And if you’re not out there dating then you are stacking the odds against yourself.
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After almost 20 years of supporting people in creating great relationships, I can tell you the best place to meet a date is a party or social event where you know about half the people. This way you get introduced to people.
Finding your soul mate may seem daunting, but starting by simply going to a party so you can get out there and date creates an easy first step that will get the process rolling. |
Not only does being out there on the court increase the odds of meeting someone, it is also where you learn… about relating.
We’re all familiar with the challenging emotions that arise in the pursuit of love. These emotions are what sometimes keep us ‘off the court.’ But if you look at it like getting to a party today or this week, and then building on that, then it could actually be fun. And everyone else is nervous too. Doesn’t it sound fun to go to a party?
Find out about parties your friends are throwing or going to. Come to one of our parties. Just get out there and date.
Tags: dating advice
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 2 Comments »
June 1st, 2010
We often wonder if we are in the “right” relationship. Well… You are in the right relationship!… however it is, even if you don’t have one. It is such a relief to know that. Maybe things are exactly how they should be and maybe nothing is wrong.
| If you don’t like the relationship, then you can leave graciously, but that doesn’t mean anything is or was ever wrong with it. At the same time very deep emotions about love, finding love, marriage and so on, surface when we accept our relationship life how it is and how it feels. Now, you may leave your relationship at some point or you may not, but either way there does not need to be anything wrong with your relationship. |
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Whether you are on the first date, married, divorced, looking to date, or whatever, the best relationship advice I could give you is… enjoy it!
Tags: happiness, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 2 Comments »
May 28th, 2010
Every day Alicia and I discover more and more how female orgasm is the secret to greater and greater sexual pleasure. Sensual pleasure and sexual pleasure has been our focus for a combined 25 years of teaching people how to have, not only good relationships, but exceptionally turned on relationships! We are firm believers that a woman’s pleasure is the key to better sex for both him and her.
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In addition to the sensual pleasure, great sex continually dissolves relationship problems as well as bringing intimacy and connection. The female libido has long been overlooked but, in the end, few people would deny their interest. Building a relationship that is so vibrantly and sexually charged, that it turns him and turns her on more than when it was a new relationship is something everyone desires.
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This morning Alicia and I had the best sex of our relationship, 8 years into it… and that is normal for us. Our lives as relationship advice givers, sexuality teachers, and teachers of personal growth take us to all kinds of highs and lows. At the same time, our sex life connects us in true love and increasingly greater sexual pleasure creating an enjoyable center to our relationship, our work and our lives.
Tags: better sex, female libido, female orgasm, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Relationship, Sex | 1 Comment »
May 23rd, 2010
The question comes in many ways, from singles, couples, men and women: How do I have better sex, I want to learn how to orgasm, is there a way to enhance male or female libido, what is female orgasm?
How to handle somebody sexually is the key. We call that “DOing” somebody. And you must “DO” the whole person.
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The first part of DOing somebody is DOing their head. That’s really their mind, the romantic part of their mind in particular. The way you DO somebody romantically is to appeal to what interests them. Find out what kind of music they like, where they like to eat, their favorite food. If you appeal to what interests the person, they will become interested in you. In the process of doing this, you enter their emotional body. |
As you put attention on them, as you grow closer to them romantically, you enter that emotional part of them, that tender part, a kind of a meeting of heart to heart.
First you DO somebody romantically, then you DO them sensually. Sensual pleasure is really about their body. It’s the physical body, but also the energy in their body. You accomplish this by getting them into their senses. People think of manipulation as a negative thing, but this is a type of positive manipulation, this is putting somebody at effect, handling the space and the time so they can relax and enjoy. As you’re getting them into their senses you want to feel what generates sexual excitement. Maybe you’ll notice certain smells that turn them on, or maybe certain types of environments: the living room, the bedroom, the massage room, whatever it happens to be. Certain parts of their bodies may turn them on more than others. As it becomes more physical, it becomes tenderer, and even more vulnerable. So as the DOer, you really want to take care of them, you really want to make sure they’re feeling good.
DOing somebody is like a culmination, a build. You DO their head, you DO their body, and now you’re touching them in ways that turn them on. If you keep doing that, you’ll find that you’ll increasingly move toward their sex: their sex energy and their sex organs. Finally, you’re DOing them sexually. There you focus on sexual arousal, on orgasm and ecstatic bodily pleasure. If you touch their sex with increasing pleasure, you’ll notice that what feels good to you is actually what feels good to them. They will move into a greater state of bodily pleasure, eventually to the point of orgasm, and even sustained orgasm. The potential really is infinite!
Approach sexual pleasure deliberately: DO them romantically first, then sensually, and finally sexually.
Tags: better sex, female libido, female orgasm, how to orgasm, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 4 Comments »
May 18th, 2010
The most important quality a partner can have for an exceptional love life is willingness to grow. Is a partner open to personal growth, are they open to change? They may be great already, and are they willing to expand, are they willing to take it to the next level? If they are, the relationship has a quality of adventure, of newness and freshness. If they’re not, the relationship starts to become stale. People start to grate on each other, people loose that vibrant quality, and people’s sex lives go down.
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All of us have patterns, and these patterns generally start to dominate once the novelty of a new relationship wears off. If you come across one of those patterns and it’s not working for the relationship, you can bet that if the person is not open and available for growth that pattern is not going to shift. If they are open to personal growth, you know that they’re going to address it, that it can change. |
This gives the relationship agility, a type of absorption. The relationship gains that soulmate quality, getting better and better, and allows us to overcome those patterned parts of ourselves that inevitably arise in any healthy relationship.
This is not only how to pick a relationship partner, it’s how to be in relationship. In fact it’s the most important way to be in a relationship. Whether you’re on the first date or thinking about marriage, if you and your partner are open, then the world is your oyster. Any possibility for sensuality, communication, intimacy, love, and friendship is available because the relationship isn’t stuck.
If you ever find yourself not open to growth, simply re-open to personal growth. If a prospective partner isn’t open to growth, invite them to be open to growth. Wherever you or someone else is at, the great news is: openness is always available.
Tags: important quality, openness, Personal Growth, pick a partner
Posted in Finding a partner, Personal Growth, Relationship | 1 Comment »
May 16th, 2010
Greetings everyone,
Over the past six months we have developed a new plan, which I am happy to say, has now come to fruition. We are re-launching and rebranding Beyond Education and changing our name to Erwan Davon Teachings, which will now be located at ErwanDavon.com.
| Over the past 17 years, I have helped thousands of individuals and couples in Bay Area and San Francisco with relationship advice, romance information and how to find love. It has been the ride of a lifetime for my wife Alicia and myself. It didn’t matter whether people were coming to me to talk about marriage, wanted to start a new relationship or even were interested in something as touchy as the female libido, we have loved supporting people in their love lives. |
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Studying and teaching the skills of how to love, how to have a healthy relationship, seduction, and even teaching clients how to extend orgasm and other advanced sexual techniques, has opened a world of pleasure, not only for the people I serve, but for myself as well. It really is an honor that our teachings have become a valuable resource to so many in taking their love life and relationships to the next level.
Personal growth almost always happens simultaneously with a person’s love life improving. I think the emphasis that I have always placed on personal growth and development set the foundation for the increases in romantic love that people have reported. A firm platform of support in personal growth and relationship help has then enabled us to be very effective when supporting people in their sexual and sensual lives.
Some have now branded me as “San Francisco’s Relationship Expert.” While I am humbled by this title, I love and value the opportunity to serve people in such a potentially rewarding area of life. The success I have had is a testament to the thousands of clients who have improved their relationship lives with us over the last almost two decades. I want to express my gratitude to all of the incredible people with whom I’ve had the chance to meet and work.
Feel free to look around our new site. Drop me a line and let me know what you think.
Tags: Personal Growth, relationship advice, relationship coaching
Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »
May 1st, 2010
Each of us has a template or blueprint we operate from in our romantic relationships or in our attempts to get into romantic relationship. The problem is that most of it we made up or inherited between the ages of 0 and 15. The other problem is that it lives in a blind spot and is rarely examined, updated or even seen! The good news is that it can be explored and updated. It’s like tennis or golf… you can always update your game, but first you’ve got to see what game you are currently playing (that is your romantic blueprint). Maybe it’s a great blueprint, maybe it isn’t, either way expansion and more fun is always possible, leading to a great healthy relationship!
Tags: blueprint, relationship advice
Posted in Personal Growth, Romantic Blueprint | 1 Comment »
April 1st, 2010
Dating isn’t just for the beginning of a romance. Whatever phase of relationship you are in the skills of dating are crucial. Clearly dating is important to get into a relationship and at the beginning of one, but it is just as important 20 years into relationship… even more important, actually. At that point you have more at stake. We call that an Eternal Date!
The bottom line on dating advice is: get turned on, turn them on, make sure the date revolves around what the woman wants (the woman’s pleasure), and let the guy be the hero and provide it. This may not be politically correct, but after 17 years of supporting singles and couples, I can tell you it is what works. Add in fun activities that appeal to the senses and lots of flirting. Broken down into the critical elements dating isn’t so complicated and your next date will be fun and exciting!
Tags: dating advice, flirting
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 1 Comment »
March 1st, 2010
It took me several relationships to get my bearings, including the loss of a five year relationship when I was twenty-five. Finally, I got it right when I married Alicia. I have also had the privilege of supporting hundreds of relationships over the last seventeen years. The biggest mistake people make is holding out, holding back, keeping one foot out the back door. Don’t do it. If it turns out not to be the right relationship, at least you’ll know sooner… And, if you don’t hold back, it just might be the right relationship sooner than you think.
Tags: Committment, mistake, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship | 2 Comments »
December 1st, 2009
The holidays are an opportunity for love and connection, but can be difficult, even depressing for some. Here are 4 keys to having great holidays:
Intend, declare and decide to have a blast.
The incomplete stuff from 2009, either handle it now, or put it in the past.
Tell the people you love how much you love them.
Put lots of fun stuff in your calendar.
By the way, these steps also work for any relationship problem you may face! Just replace “from 2009″ with “the relationship problem”.
Tags: intention, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
October 1st, 2009
Feeling good is critical to well being. Part of taking care of yourself is really feeling good, and pleasure is a very big part of that. It is more important than ever before to take loving care of yourself, to have pleasure, for both a woman and a man, as a regular part of your life, because it deeply nurtures and strengthens you. Given the challenges that we each are each facing, we need to take better care of ourselves now more than ever before.
Tags: Health, pleasure, sexual pleasure
Posted in Health, Personal Growth | Comments Off
August 1st, 2009
There are 5 steps from reaction to personal growth. They can be accomplished independently or simultaneously. This is the process of “feeling through.” First one feels one’s “shell” (one’s outer identity); then one feels the emptiness of the shell (this can feel like a deficiency, or something missing); then one feels the spaciousness (a type of “positive” emptiness). Being “emerges” next or is rather seen to be the fundamental “material”; and finally, embodied Being is… obvious… non-dual, spiritual and real.
Tags: Being, Personal Growth, realization
Posted in Personal Growth | 1 Comment »
July 1st, 2009
The discipline of psychology was formed on Freud’s two crucial insights: the importance of sex (that this was biologically the driving motivation of the being, called male or female libido) and the discovery of the unconscious (at least to the Western world). He stated that having orgasm is crucial for the gratification (happiness) and full functionality of every human being. People were so reactivated by this that Freud spent his whole life defending the simple insight that sex was a primal drive and crucially important to human happiness and functioning. He was so busy dealing with people’s resistance that he never even conceived of the logical next conclusion: that beyond normalcy is excellence. At Erwan Davon Teachings we take it from there… What happens to a person’s overall life happiness when having orgasm becomes having exteded orgasm? What happens when a human being masters having great sex?
Tags: better sex, female libido, female orgasm, happiness, sexual pleasure
Posted in Sex | Comments Off
June 1st, 2009
Extremely rich and successful men and drop dead gorgeous women have no problem attracting romantic partners (successful relationships is another story). For the rest of us there is plenty that can be done to more than level the playing field and attract women or men.
First make a great first impression (they count big time!). Then learn to flirt (that’s playing with the sexual energy). Become a great conversationalist (this is mostly putting your attention on them and asking interested questions). Make them right (no one likes someone who is “better than”). Remember being positive and confident is magnetic (this is key). Lastly, master the masculine or feminine style of communication (intellectually vs. experientially).
Tags: attention, dating advice, flirting
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 4 Comments »
April 1st, 2009
People often compromise when they get into a relationship, for example getting into an open relationship when they want something committed or getting into a committed relationship when they want something looser…or many other types of compromises. In the beginning it is always fine, but sooner or later they always feel like they aren’t getting what they want…because they aren’t. Fully and authentically changing one’s mind is another matter, but compromise is always a loser. I encourage people to really go for what they want. When you do that you meet the kind of people who want that too!
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
February 1st, 2009
Both! Realizing oneself as Consciousness, God or whatever term you like is always an immediate realization. At the same time there are things a person must move through to “achieve” realization with any consistency. I call them the 3 knots: behavioral (tendencies like being angry or succumbing), psychological (feeling unloved, etc.) and spiritual (the root sense of separation). Personal growth requires transcending all of these. We all have moments of immediate enlightenment whether we realize it or not, and these knots certainly can be transcended or felt through instantaneously. But, at any given moment it may take some time to do it (say meditating for half an hour). It also takes time, usually years, to develop the habit of consistently and quickly feeling through these knots. I call this practice “Corework.” So enlightenment is both instantaneous and gradual… a paradox… like life! Fortunately, once through personal growth one has powerfully and consciously realized “who one really is”, that enlightenment lingers in the background of one’s everyday life, more or less present. One can then address consistency. I call this process Enlightened Living.
Tags: enlightenment, Personal Growth, realization
Posted in Personal Growth | 26 Comments »
October 1st, 2008
A woman recently asked Alicia and I if it was O.K. to be turned on before doing “Corework” (the type of meditation I teach and practice). We answered with a resounding “YES.” The woman asking was glad to hear that, and explained that her meditations went that much better! She was dealing with the underlying belief that if something is easy or pleasurable it is somehow not right or not valuable. As far as we are concerned, the easier and more pleasurable the better! This is very different from avoiding or distracting oneself from what is occurring emotionally, circumstantially, physically, and so on. “Being profoundly with what is” is the basis of Meditation and is where one finds the inherent joy of Reality. If you’ve got a turned on life and that is what there is to be with, even better!
Tags: meditation, sexual pleasure
Posted in Personal Growth | 3 Comments »
September 1st, 2008
Your love life is only as good as you can talk about it. Sex is a subset of communication (Vic Baranco said that). If someone can’t talk about their sex life in detail, they can’t really be with it. It is a myth that sexual experiences are indescribable. It is also a myth that talking about sex, before or during or after, somehow diminishes it. For the most part, people aren’t used to talking about it; so yes, early on, it is difficult and can slow things down. But, in the long run, talking about your sex life (before, during AND after!) adds tremendous enjoyment, intimacy and learning.
Tags: better sex, communication
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | Comments Off
August 1st, 2008
The bottom line on what makes a person attractive or seductive is their ability to give someone else what they want. At one level it is that simple, but several questions arise like: “Do I have what the other person wants?” And “How do I find out what the other person wants?” Also, “How is what a woman wants different from what a man wants, and vice versa?” These are very powerful inquiries. Instead of simply answering these questions, here is a list of possible answers for you to play with: full attention, orgasm, power, approval, a sensual lifestyle, an “eternal” date, and full complete communication. The list is by no means comprehensive, but it does go to extremes that we usually don’t investigate when looking at how we could be more attractive to women or men.
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
July 1st, 2008
One of the central themes of the Pleasure Course in May was “structuring your life extraordinary relationships and ecstatic sex.” Insights won’t do it. It really takes re-prioritizing. People’s schedules are crowded these days. But, when we take a look, people’s schedules are often crowded with things less important than their relationship or sex life! Take a few less important things out of your schedule and put in practices for good, healthy relationships and great sex. It makes an enormous difference.
Tags: better sex, relationship advice, schedule
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
June 1st, 2008
Understanding, structure, and practice are the 3 components of personal growth and living an enlightened life. Understanding is insight into the transcendent nature of everything, including oneself. This restores the magic and mystery to life. Structure is having your life set up to remind you of this understanding (a statue, events in your calendar, a mentor, etc.). Practice means actually living it moment to moment. It is not practice toward something. Practice is throwing yourself into what you have realized through understanding and are reminded of by the structure of your life. Practice is moment to moment forever.
Tags: Being, enlightenment, Personal Growth, schedule
Posted in Personal Growth | Comments Off
April 1st, 2008
You could divide Enlightened Living into two parts: Enlightenment and Living. The “Enlightenment” part is about realization, understanding, and personal growth. It is knowing “who you really are” beyond your personal separate identity. This is sometimes expressed as Consciousness or God or Reality. The “Living” aspect of Enlightened Living is about commitment or intention or practice, walking the walk, actually living that Realization day to day. Although daily practice or commitment or intention are often viewed as strategies to get to Enlightenment, it is not so. In Enlightened Living they arise together. They are two wings of one bird.
Tags: enlightenment, Personal Growth, realization
Posted in Personal Growth | 4 Comments »
February 1st, 2008
A student recently asked, “How can I increase how much I am feeling during sex?” This student had some elementary sense of Expanded Orgasm technique (what is the most sensitive part of the clitoris, communication style, and so forth) so we answered the question with a concise, “Increase your intention.” The student’s eyes lit up as they said, “I got that!” There is an infinite amount of technique and it is worth studying, but at some point a person must simply intend and intend fully. Strategy can only take you so far. It never replaces where your heart is in the matter! And intention is something you have everything to say about.
Tags: better sex, intention, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 1 Comment »
December 1st, 2007
I have the privilege of getting the inside scoop on the sex lives of countless relationships. The reality is that in most cases the turn-on decreases after the “honey-moon” period is over (although most people are reluctant to admit this before the relationship has all but bottomed out.) This decline does not have to be the case. Over and over we have the privilege of helping couples (or singles learn how to) turn their relationships back on or enhance an already great sex life!
Here are the 4 steps: 1) Tell the Truth about how your sex life has been going since the beginning of the relationship, graph it; 2) Commit to an ever expanding sex life and be willing to do what it takes; 3) Learn the art of DOing (basically, how you can create chemistry and turn-on to the point of sustained high level male and female orgasm); 4) Structure your lives so that sensuality and pleasure (including your new DOing skills) are prioritized.
Tags: better sex, DOing, female orgasm
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
November 19th, 2007
How often are we depending on and expecting our love life to make us happy? Or anticipating that when we get into “that good relationship” we will be happy? Of course, romance and relationships can bring tremendous sexual pleasure and joy, but do they fundamentally make a person happy? If you talk to people about this, like Alicia and I do everyday in our coaching practice, you might find (and probably already know) that people associate as much, if not more, difficulty with their love life as they associate happiness with it. Even though we may admit this, people generally find themselves putting the burden of their happiness on their current love life (or anyTHING really… money, job, health, and so on). Or we find ourselves living in hope that a future romance (or anything) will bring us happiness. When we inquire into the true source of happiness… really an Unconditional Happiness… we can relieve our love life and relationship partners of carrying this burden which they can’t fulfill. When we locate this Unconditional Happiness through personal growth, we can actually bring it to our love life, making our romance, relationships and sex that much more joyous and pleasurable. We’ve all tasted this Unconditional Happiness, but we never found it in anyTHING… perhaps we found it in “things as it is,” as Suzuki Roshi used to say in his Zen broken paradoxical English.
Tags: happiness, Personal Growth, pleasure, sexual pleasure
Posted in Being Happy, Personal Growth | 1 Comment »
September 1st, 2007
Rarely do human beings study, research and seriously learn about what we are the most interested in. Sex is a good example of that. There is a hidden barrier of fear, trepidation and mistrust. What would people think? Where could this lead? Will I be OK? Will I be good at it? Typically, learning tennis or how to use a computer program doesn’t carry this kind of charge. We study it and learn it and get better at it to the degree that we seriously engage the topic. Sex, relationships, and enlightenment are the same way… but we have these fears and concerns. Are these topics worth overcoming our fears and taking action anyway?
As in with any subject or interest, studying relationship and sex really is key in having a good relationship and great sex!
Tags: better sex, relationship advice, schedule
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Relationship, Sex | Comments Off
August 1st, 2007
How do you have pleasure now… fun now… happiness now… instead of waiting for it to turn out someday? The normal progressive and linear approach of seeking and searching for happiness doesn’t work… have you noticed? Happiness is always around the bend, somewhere in the future! What works is the actual realization of the state and condition of happiness. It is the realization of who you really are behind all the mental chatter. This type of personal growth is a spiritual process. This realization can then inform and guide your life, and this simple yet radical approach relieves you of the chronic and frustrating approach of endlessly trying to achieve happiness through producing results, whether in your career, relationships, sex life or any other aspect of your life. Paradoxically, living happily and pleasurably will naturally produce far greater results in all areas of life… including having a better sex life!
Tags: better sex, happiness, Personal Growth
Posted in Being Happy, Having better sex, Personal Growth, Sex | 1 Comment »
