Peaking & testing in pick up

June 19th, 2012

Beautiful Woman at the Bar Talking with a GuyNow that you have attracted the other person and you are flowing through the stages of picking them up you must know how to read the person. Where are they at in the process? Are they really bonding with you? Should you sensualize things?

You can find this out easily by testing or qualifying the other person. This means asking them a question. To test bonding ask him or her a deep personal question like “What is something you’ve never told anyone?” To test sexual attraction ask a sexy question like “If you could be kissed anywhere besides your lips where would that be?”

If they refuse to answer or give a weak answer then you know they aren’t at that stage yet. If their answer connects you to them or sizzles with sexuality then you know you’re past that stage and can escalate the interaction.

You can also test where things are at by escalating the touching or trying to move them to a different location and see how they respond.

Testing or qualifying the person makes you more attractive because you are checking them out, i.e. you put yourself in the role of decision maker instead of chasing them. You want to screen them not need them!

Peaking the interaction or deliberately breaking your connection with the other person, the way commercials break TV programming, is the next critical skill for both sex but especially guys.

If you don’t peak the interaction and go in reverse sometimes two things can happen. First, intensity “blow out.” You and/or they “blow out”, lose consciousness and become paralyzed because the interaction is too fast, too intense, too confronting. Second, you can appear needy if you don’t mix it up and push them away a little here and there.

For example, if you are escalating the touch to check out where things are at, don’t leave your hand on her arm too long. That would be awkward. Remove it. Or joke around playfully about how she’s not the right girl for you.

Hexing or teasing, which we covered a few weeks ago, is another way a guy can peak the interaction by creating a little dip. Male hexing is a way of showing her that he can handle her. Female hexing or teasing is a way of testing and seeing if he can handle her.

Socialize then connect then sensualize

June 19th, 2012

Friends at the barRecently we have covered how to pick someone up, whether it is your relationship partner, a friend or someone your meeting for the first time. We’ve used an 8-step process that outlines the stages a person goes through in picking someone up:

  1. Center – intention
  2. Approach – get near them
  3. Open – something to say
  4. Engage – conversation
  5. Bond – comfort and safety
  6. Sensualize – sexually escalate
  7. Transition – new more intimate location
  8. Close – complete the interaction

What you can see about these stages is that they follow a pattern of:

  1. Socialize
  2. Connect
  3. Sensualize

The biggest secret to picking someone up is to start the interaction socially. You want to be super social. Extroverts meet way more people. They connect. So if you are an introvert you want to learn to socialize!

The middle steps in the 8-steps of picking someone up are about connecting or bonding. Introverts are often better at bonding and going deep. This second series of steps allows the other person to feel safe with you, and sets the stage for sensualizing the interaction.

Sensualizing the interaction turns up the heat through body gestures, touching, suggestive topics, and so on. The person you are seducing is well warmed up at this point since you’ve socialized and connected. Interestingly, this also applies within a relationship since couples are often shy about approaching each other sensually.

My point is socialize then connect deeply then sensualize.

How to pick someone up – Part 4 – Attraction switches

June 5th, 2012

People can experience a lot of scarcity in their sex lives, but in truth, there is none. If you are single there are 3.5 billion potential partners out there and if you are in a relationship you’ve already got one.

Drawing of girl, fragment, painting The lack of training and insecurity that people have in relating romantically causes them to retreat from their romantic lives and a sense of scarcity ensues. With training, we have never met a couple that couldn’t bring the peaks and frequency of their passion to new heights. Nor have we met a single that couldn’t learn to steer their encounters toward a more and more fulfilling experience.

Consistent intelligent practice is the key. Failures are simply part of the process. Once you get through the second phase of the learning process, the Klutz stage, those failures decrease rapidly.

There are attraction switches that a woman or man can turn on within themselves which work wonders in attracting the opposite sex. Examine which are strong for you and which are weak. Then address the weak ones and you’ll find you move from scarcity to abundance.

The primary Female attraction switches are:

  1. Turn on – This is women’s trump card! Use it; it is the ultimate attractive force.
  2. Openness and approval – Simply being friendly and approving vs. defensive or fearful. This is not only useful in attraction but also in steering a man if instructions are added.
  3. Vitality and well-being – Males are biologically wired up to seek a healthy vital female capable of child bearing. This is fundamentally what they are attracted to. Women often opt to try and fit a societal stereo type of looks instead of focusing on vitality, well-being and celebrating their bodies as they are. Men like women who like their bodies and take good care of them. This trumps even societal pre-programmed prejudice about body type.
  4. Dress/presentation – When a woman presents herself well and takes the care to look good and dress well she amplifies her inherent beauty. It’s the classic “make-over” but doesn’t need to be done to fix anything but rather in the spirit of fun, enhancement, celebration and acknowledgement of her inherent feminine beauty.
  5. Femininity – By femininity we mean how she holds herself and how she relates. This includes everything from the body gestures we focused on two weeks ago to the more emotionally stimulating way that women relate (vs. more abstract for men). It is a type of inherent flirty-ness. If a woman relates physically and emotionally from a feminine place then the masculine is naturally drawn to that.

The primary Male attraction switches are:

  1. Confidence – or at least the appearance of confidence. Biologically, emotionally and mentally women like strong men. If that confidence includes spiritual confidence, a strong sense of presence, that is the ultimate attracter.
  2. Leadership – Women like men who can lead. Demonstrating that in an interaction with her works wonders. The key is keeping his attention on her and leading her to her desired goals. Leadership and strength are the defining characteristics of masculinity.
  3. Sense of humor – Make her laugh! A positive attitude, not taking things too seriously, being light and fun, are critical to romantic play throughout the relationship process from picking someone up through the New & Exciting phase of relationship and all the way to an Eternal Date. Smile.
  4. Good grooming – This is sometimes rated as women’s number one criteria and men often overlook it. How you present yourself is key. Dress sharp.
  5. Sociability – An ability to connect emotionally and keep a conversation going… and knowing when to end it, allow for quality socializing. Women love to relate. For example, if it is clear that other women like this guy then he demonstrates a type of “pre-selection” that score him points.
  6. Ability to flirt – If a man can circulate a woman’s energy back to her she will get more and more turned on and like him more. With skill a man can initiate as well and this draws her toward him.

How to pick someone up – Part 3 – Psychological & Social dynamics

May 29th, 2012

This is very advanced material.

How many people have a real understanding of what is actually going on psychologically within themselves and the people they are interacting with? What is that worth to you? What could you do with that?

Sleeping woman face The most useful skill in drawing someone (anyone from a stranger to your spouse) toward you is to understand and function well in the psychological and social dynamics of the group/person you’ve approached and play just barely faster than them. That means being present and being on top without being a dominant jerk. Unjustified arrogance rates as one of the most repulsive qualities a person can possess. In other words, real power and real understanding are required.

You’ve got to be attuned to that person or group and know what is going on. Who’s in charge? Why? Are they bored? Are they wound up?… and so on. If you were going to drive a car you’d probably want to know if it’s a Ferrari or a truck.

Picking someone up means you are driving, you are leading. As we’ve covered previously, you can do that from a masculine or feminine position. Ideally both sexes are doing it simultaneously, and because it is done differently by each sex they don’t clash! Regardless, if you do your part well, odds are strong they’ll get in step.

Crucial to attuning yourself or calibrating yourself to someone is putting your thoughts aside and paying attention to them. Notice them and you’ll be surprised at the information you get. With that information a woman can direct her energetic charms (turn on, body language, etc.) far more effectively. For example, if she gathers that he is kind of wound up and distracted she might stand closer to him than she normally would and flash him (sexy eye contact) more strongly.

Males usually use the gathered information to lead the conversation more effectively. He has tremendous power if he knows what is going on with her. This is known in the social sciences as knowing the person’s “frame” (like ‘frame of reference’). It is the filter through which they perceive the current situation.

The goal is to create ‘frame resonance’, in other words to have her ‘frame’ resonate with yours. This grants you connection and great influence. There are 4 verbal ways to create frame resonance and although both sexes use them, they are the bread and butter for a man picking up a woman.

  1. Frame bridging: create a connection between two ideas (often fixes a logistical issue): “I’m glad you want to see my pet rock collection, my car is around the corner.”
  2. Frame amplification: really step into her viewpoint: “Yes, it would be terrible to sleep with someone without being connected!… I’m glad we’re connecting.”
  3. Frame extension – stretch her frame to connect it with yours: “your passion for detail is exactly what it takes for me to be a good artist/doctor…”
  4. Frame transformation – stitch together your and her frames at some future point and then bring it back to the present: “One day I hope to really be able to commit like you want me to; it’s really what I want in my heart, even now.”

Women can ‘grab’ a man’s frame with the tremendous power of her turn on and potential for sensual contact. She’ll use the above verbal methods intuitively, but her sex is her greatest asset. I call it the ‘biological imperative’. Within seconds of meeting, any man and woman have totally evaluated the other sexually. If she is pressing “go” sexually, she has his attention, no matter what their relationship is! If she does want the interaction to proceed, the verbal maneuvers described above can be very helpful in handling concerns or viewpoints that he might have.

Hexing is another key psychological tool available to you. It is a type of teasing or dominance play where you confirm somebody’s self-doubt. For example if you know someone has an issue about the car they drive, you might say, “so did you drive the old clunker here?” The purpose is to have fun in a teasing way. You can also accomplish putting yourself on top in the interaction and steering them (in this case, perhaps to buy a new car). It is not an insult! If you buy into their self-doubt it is an insult. Unfortunately, people usually are insulting the person when they try to tease or hex them because they actually believe there is something wrong with that person (or their car). It’s easy to overdo it and use hexing in a defensive, hostile or arrogant way. Then it’s not a good hex and will backfire leaving you hexed!

Because sex is such a charge-y subject, women are walking hexes for men (and for themselves). If a man can learn to hex well, he gains a big edge in his pick up game because women like a guy who can steer.

Now, let’s address one of the most important things you need to know about your psychology and the learning process. This applies to learning most things, not just picking someone up. There are stages in learning. The first stage of picking a goal is usually very exciting. The next stage is a bitch. Let’s call it the Klutz stage. You put ten in and get one out. It’s full of failure. The mood of it is like being in an emergency room: you are rushing around trying to see what is going on and stop the bleeding! This is where most people quit.

If you keep going and intelligently make corrections you will succeed. That is the secret of getting over the hump: Keep immersing yourself and making corrections. The later stages in the learning process are about success and enhancement. They are relatively fun, creative and interesting, and your results accelerate exponentially. Don’t stop at the Klutz stage… or you end up living there!

How to pick someone up – Part 2 – Key points & common mistakes

May 23rd, 2012

Now you know the basic 8 steps of picking someone up: center, approach, open, engage, bond, sensualize, transition and close. You also know that your constant critic and its potentially paralyzing effect is the greatest obstacle. The biggest obstacle is internal and not your skill level.

african american couple flirting So let’s go back to the beginning and look at what state works to engage and meet people. When you get centered and intentional about picking someone up, what is the state that you are in? I call that state being “On”. The state of being “On” is characterized most importantly by extroversion.

Extroverts meet way more people than introverts. I am an introvert who can turn it “On”. Most people are extremely introverted around meeting people and picking someone up, but don’t have to be. In other words, you can turn it “On”.

High-ish energy is also critical to being “On”. You want to be just barely higher energy than the people/person that you are approaching. Energy is a real issue for people. People can be so withdrawn, shut down and afraid around romantic sensual interaction that the body is left in a depressed low energy state…, which of course can be depressing itself! A negative attitude or speaking negatively will also kill the positive energy required to achieve sensual liftoff. The good news is that energy is largely a function of positive engagement and participation. I have been blown away by how my body revitalizes when I engage positively with people. By coming out of hiding, your energy will increase. If you truly engage you will find reserves of energy and enthusiasm that you didn’t know you had.

Confidence, being interesting and interested are the other criteria of the state of “On”. You’ve got to be interesting. The worst way of being interesting is trying to impress people. The best way is to understand and function well in the psychological and social dynamics of the group or person you’ve approached and play just barely faster than them. That means being present and being on top without obviously being dominant.

Now, let’s make the whole process of picking someone up a whole lot easier for you. We’ll address guys first then women. Instead of trying to pick someone up, simply learn to engage people. This works especially well for guys who usually do the actual approaching. It makes confidence so much easier. Take an indirect approach, it is easier, and in most cases it is a bad idea to hit on a woman right away before she has given some clue that she wants to be hit on. Guys, you have much more control over escalating the interaction sensually once you are in the interaction. You’ve got topics to choose from, teasing, suggestive language, and flirtation, to name a few.

Women, on the other hand, will usually benefit more by keeping the sensual motor humming and sending turned on cues toward guys they are interested in, especially if you get good at directing that turned on energy specifically and not randomly. Switching to simply engaging people (vs. pick them up) can be good and make things easier for some women, but you lose the massive edge that sending turn on brings you.

Women often ask us what they can do and are concerned that they are in a more passive position. The opposite is true. Here are several ways you can send those signals and cues.

The 13 most common courtship gestures for women as listed by Barbara and Allen Pease in their book “The Definitive Book of Body Language” are:

  1. Head toss/hair flick – exposing the armpit
  2. Wetting her lips and pouting – mouth slightly open
  3. Self touching – caressing almost any body part
  4. Limp wrist – enables the man to feel dominant
  5. Fondling cylindrical object (wine glass, pulling a ring off and on a finger)
  6. Exposed wrists – delicate skin exposure
  7. Sideways glance over raised shoulder – mimics peeping
  8. Rolling hips – highlights pelvic region
  9. Pelvic tilt – highlights waist to hip ratio
  10. Placing handbag (or other personal item) near the man – an extension of the body and sign of intimacy
  11. The knee point – one leg tucked under and knee pointed to whoever she is most interested in, exposes thigh
  12. Shoe fondle – dangling shoe on end of foot – shows relaxed attitude and phallic effect of thrusting in and out
  13. Leg twine – draws attention to legs, crossing and uncrossing and stroking her thigh draws attention and demonstrates wanting to be touched

In our research we have found flashing him to be the most effective courtship gesture. This means a coquettish and often submissive glance, where a woman feels her sex and transmits that sexual energy via the eyes. Usually the head is down, looking up and him and she is smiling. Then she looks away. Simply prolonging eye contact, especially with a smile is another variation that works wonders. You can go full on by prolonging eye contact, gazing intensely, while feeling your pussy and giving a slight nod before looking away. The best advice we can give women is to make your intentions obvious. Guys are generally slow. Smile. Feel your pussy. Use the body gestures. Especially, look at him with prolonged eye contact. And lastly, don’t be afraid to place your body near him. With these tools you won’t need to initiate the conversation, he will.

Both sexes should dress well to pick someone up, but this translates differently for each sex. Men should dress up, sharp, with a slight edge, say a great belt buckle, but nothing too far out unless the situation invites it. Women should dress sexy to pick someone up. Remember the number one cue males are responding to is the possibility of sensual contact, even above societal stereotypes of looks.

Being in a group makes picking someone up much easier for both men and women. You demonstrate more social value when with a group… they know you have friends. People also tend to feel much more confident in a group. Pick people who are fun and on board with you meeting people. They should be as into being fabulous and successful meeting people as you are. Remember going out with them is not a time for processing/sharing deep emotional issues. You both/all must be aligned in attracting men or woman. Be careful some people have the opposite agenda! Have a clear plan for how you will all handle it if one or more wants to go home with someone. Support each other vs. being competitive; there are plenty of fish in the sea. A group of turned on women in a social environment will attract attention.

A few last points for women: If you are bored in a conversation, don’t stay in it. If, on the other hand, you are into him, feel free to compliment him. Guys usually understand this, especially if there is a little touch or coquettish eye contact added.

If you are in a couple already, then the obvious best place to practice these tools are with your partner. Some couples like to pick people up as a pair or independently. This can be a lot of fun, but is usually done from the wrong starting place. It only feels good, and is usually only successful, if the woman is driving it. It is sleazy when a guy tries to drive it. In these cases the guy doesn’t have the skills to fill the woman up sensually and in all other ways in the relationship, or the woman is so closed down that the guy is desperate.

Unfortunately, most “polyamorous” relationships start from this place of not being satisfied with one’s partner and trying to fill the gap with someone else. Relationship skills, sex skills and learning to pick up one’s partner are what are required for these men and women. Most couples prefer to focus on each other exclusively sexually and most of the ones that don’t aren’t actually qualified to open the relationship.

How to pick someone up – Part 1 – 8 step pick up process

May 16th, 2012

The biggest secret about picking someone up is to act. There are principles that work, and we’ll get into those, but overcoming the paralysis that grips people in the face of approaching someone is the single biggest factor. I learned by approaching a woman daily until I got my chops down. Critical to taking action is abundantly putting yourself in situations where you can meet potential people to pick up.

Young couple - man and woman Strangely enough, this applies equally to couples who are often shy about approaching each other romantically. In fact, as the relationship progresses, romantic/sensual approach, which may have been abundant during dating, often falls away. Pick your partner up! Couples can also use pick up practices to pick people up together.

So the first step is to center oneself, which involves setting one’s intention and confidence. If you don’t have the confidence, fake it! Demonstrating a lack of confidence, especially for a male, is usually a deal breaker. If you don’t generate the ability to handle being rejected you will not succeed.

Initiating contact is next. This is where that confidence is key. For men this usually involves approaching a woman and for women it usually involves drawing a man in. When a woman initiates the sequence it is much more likely to succeed. Men are generally poor at reading women’s cues, body language, etc. so she may have to develop her skills at overcoming his inability. The worse a man is at reading cues the more he will have to rely on the volume of his approaches. The worse a woman is at confidently sending those cues the longer she will have to wait or she may opt for approaching a man.

An opening line can be quite useful if it is engaging enough and/or spontaneously appropriate to the situation (“What are you reading?” “You look like you could use a friend. Mind if I join you?” “How do you know…?”) The way it is said is more important than what is said, but some lines are catchier that others. The wilder the situation to more far out your opener can be (“Do you think it’s O.K. to have a small chimpanzee as a pet?”)

Engaging your partner (in other words not boring them) is crucial to getting things rolling. Prepared topics can be a real asset for guys since they are often responsible for keeping the conversation going, especially if you manage to do this while keeping your attention on your partner. Catchy topics like “What do you think makes for a fun relationship?” are great to engage someone and see how much fun they are likely to be. Don’t be afraid to have a few prepared topics, scripts and routines at the ready. The more feminine she is and the more masculine he is, the better the other responds.

Women respond best to a man who demonstrates confidence and power while keeping his attention on her. Men respond best if the woman is turned on and there are hints of possible sensual contact. Appearance is important both ways, but especially in a male’s decision to approach a woman. Fortunately for us all, the possibility of sensual contact trumps stereotyped appearance criteria in a male’s decision to approach a woman. Women do pay a lot more attention to a man’s grooming and hygiene than most men think they do.

If you are being fun and real you will start to bond with your partner and the likelihood of picking them up increases. You’ll also demonstrate your value to your partner (entertainment value, sex value, friend value, information value, etc.) and they’ll like you more. Make sure they know that they want to know you.

Sensualize the interaction. Where a lot of people blow it is in pretending that they are not picking the person up. This demonstrates a lack of confidence and sets the interaction up to be awkward and inauthentic. Sensualizing the interaction from the start is almost always the right thing to do. Ladies, don’t be afraid to send out those signals. Guys, you are picking them up; don’t be afraid to make your intentions known, although, it is important to wait for cues from her before hitting on her. It is usually a huge mistake to hit on a woman before she demonstrates attraction to you. You can still sensualize the interaction from the start (hinting and light suggestion vs. hitting on her). You’ll get smoother as you practice, and know when to turn it up. Practice, practice, practice!

If it is possible to transition your encounter to a new location this can work wonders (another bar, café… your house!). Time stretches out; they feel like they have known you longer and it is much more likely for the relationship to go somewhere romantically.

Next Close. Closing means getting a phone number, hooking up sensually or some other successfully way of ending the interaction. Guys, close before she does! Close boldly on a high note; the last thing they remember about you is crucial for the likelihood of another interaction.

These are the basics. We’ll elaborate on many of these points in the following weeks and bring in new one’s like pushing and pulling your partner to overcome resistance, dominance games and hexing, how women can steer and guide a man in an initial meeting or deal with unwanted attention, body language, and others.

The Secret of Extended Orgasm

April 10th, 2012

In the practice of Deliberate Orgasm (DOing), your ability to focus your attention is the critical skill for both DOers and Cummers.

Pleasure First of all, have your primary focus be having fun vs. any type of accomplishment. This will take any pressure off.

The DOer must make sure that the Cummer’s attention is on each stroke. Short, light strokes are one way this is accomplished. The point of light, short strokes is that they make her reach for the stroke. It is a subtler stroke so both people have to pay full attention.

Deliberate Orgasm is really the art of attention. The simple example is that if you look at and feel your fingertips intensely without touching them, all it takes is the lightest touch for the greatest sensation. Contrast this with grabbing a doorknob to open a door and barely noticing you touched anything.

This greater attention should go both ways (DOer and Cummer).

In the early stages, it is fine for the DOer to use firmer or longer strokes, but generally head in the direction of shorter and lighter. When she reaches she will get more sensation ultimately. Also alternate. When she isn’t feeling much, get her attention: take a .5 second or longer break, pull a pubic hair, tell her what you are doing, lightly tap her pussy. You have a variety of options, experiment.

The nature of stuff

April 2nd, 2012

What’s real, what’s not and how to be happy.

The nature of stuff is stuff. What it means to be stuff is to be an object, to not be alive, to be lifeless. This means all stuff: a cup, a thought, anything. It is all just stuff, just objects, material objects or mental objects.

Depositphotos_18930929_original Your feelings are stuff too! This is a tough one for people to understand. A feeling is a thing, although not a concrete one.

If your life is all about stuff, you have a problem. Would you bow down to a lifeless, dead God? Is material that is by definition: dead, lifeless, impermanent, and mostly just imagined in your mind worth devoting your life to? Worth being infatuated with?

I am not recommending being negative about stuff, critical about stuff or down on stuff. I am just recommending seeing the nature of stuff. What it is and what it isn’t. I am recommending see how easy it is to get trapped in… and think that there is more happiness or freedom or bliss or peace in stuff than there actually is.

What is left beyond stuff? What is non-stuff? It is not something you can see, feel, taste, touch, hear or think.

What is non-stuff? It is your life, your consciousness, your subjectivity, you… not as a body or identity but as consciousness, as being, as the absolute. It is absolutely beyond description, all we can see is the manifest side.

Realization of non-stuff and having that at the center of your life is happiness. And it makes all the stuff downstream (relationships, marriage, sex, coffee, your new car, anything) a lot more enjoyable and a lot less entrapping!

New and Exciting Forever

January 25th, 2012

Last week’s live event was amazing!  Our living room was packed with about 50 people.

Depositphotos_25093657_original To review we examined how you can be lit up, turned-on and have everything sparkle in the honeymoon phase of relationship.  And that there are, in fact, multiple honeymoons in a relationship (when you start dating, get engaged and get married) but that they tend to decrease in size as time goes on.  We also saw that working together or starting a family can cause a reverse honeymoon phase for some.  Overall there tends to be a decrease in turn-on in the relationship as time goes on, even though the couple can get closer in other ways.

We saw that the decrease happens from peaking early and crashing like a sugar or caffeine high.  This “peaking out” phenomenon happens when we enter relationship anxiously, idealistically, and without the skills to sustain the turn on.  Those skills range from flirting to sexing.  A good flirt or good sexer knows how to build ever increasing peaks of turn-on in a partner’s body and their own.  And they don’t need a brand spanking new partner to do that!

We also saw that as couples get to know each other the turn on can decrease as their psychologies come out and the realistic issues that each person contends with surface and the ideal projection onto your partner and the relationship dissipates.

How do you change longstanding patterns of behavior?  It is crucial to understand and experience that behavior in detail, as it is happening, not from an intellectual distance.  If you are truly with it then a sense of freedom and an ability to act outside of that pattern will arise naturally.  The “really being with it” and “understanding it” is the hard part.  There are innumerable methods for this from our practice of Corework, to collaging and art, to therapy, to journaling, to conversation with friends, and so on.  After a while one gets an ability to be with their machinery and is not dominated by it.  From lack of use it then gradually falls away.

Now, what makes something grow over time?  Having a true direction and intelligently sticking to it makes something grow over time.  Your sex life, love life and spiritual life are great direction and subjects for this!  And intelligent practice means engaging these areas in meaningful ways with a focus on learning and expansion.

Lastly, big actions came before each honeymoon period so keep going for it and peaking your love life to higher and higher levels!

Flirting your way into bed

December 14th, 2011

Flirting can be considered first and foremost of the relationship skills because it is what launches romantic relationship as well as being vital to sustaining the turn on.  Normally diminished and discounted, flirting is actually of profound importance to everyone’s love life.

We define flirting as projecting and receiving sexual energy.

Couple in bed smiling For most situations a somewhat gradual approach (vs. grabbing the other person by the genitals!) is appropriate.  This usually starts with conversation (we’ll address touch in a few paragraphs).  A good flow for that conversation topic-wise is: soul, then relationship then sex.  This upgrades the conversation, in terms of turn on, while starting from a basis of connection, depth and truth.

Now, if the person you are flirting with is a stranger you probably want to be bolder because this could be your one shot!  Whereas, if they are a friend, a more gradual approach is usually better since you have time and shifting gears on the relationship too rapidly could be jarring.  If you are already in a romantic relationship with the person, keep flirting with the person for God’s sake… especially if you are married!

Woman understand flirting better.  From their end it is really as simple as turning on and sending that energy towards a man, usually with the eyes first.  Overtly approving of the man is also key.  As the flirtation progresses she involves her body more and the dialogue and touch get spicier.  Woman typically understand this but for understandable reason’s have resistance to doing it (see the series of blogs on a woman’s appetite for more on why women hold back.)

Men typically don’t really understand flirting because they don’t understand what it is like to be in a woman’s shoes.  Men have their foot on the gas (typically) and women have their feet on the gas and the break!

The way for a man to overcome her resistance is fundamentally to put his attention on her.  Then decide that she is worth pursuing (an often overlooked step). Then keep giving her what she wants in the form of making pleasurable offers and sending her in the direction of her response.  We call this push-pull, it is the essence of flirting and seduction from a man’s point of view.

For example, the man can offer to take her someplace he knows she is interested in going.  If she says yes then drive her their in a limo!  If she says no, then not only withdraw the offer, but talk about something way less fun (or simply remove himself… for a while).  He then reintroduces the offer or an improved variation.  This back and forth creates more of a ride for a woman and overcomes her resistance more quickly, as long as the offers are based on her real appetite.  If he is paying attention to her, his agenda will be her agenda (that line alone is worth a whole blog!)

When she is moving toward him (emotionally, physically, etc.) he moves closer to her slightly more quickly.  When she is moving away from him he moves away at a slightly quicker pace, which gives him “permission” and confidence to switch to pulling her.  Also quitting her first (ending the interaction) makes it easier for him to resume contact at will.

A menu of offers is good.  They are a good way to stimulate appetite in the woman and bring fun suggestions into play.  The suggestions should be based on her appetite, revealed or not.

The bottom line is paying attention to her.  When this is mastered “push/pull” ceases to be technique and becomes the natural way of relating to a woman.

Breaking the touch barrier is a place where push-pull can be used by either sex.  The idea is to gently and subtly get your partner used to being touched by and touching you.  You introduce touch (each touch is a sort of offer) based either on cues from your partner or at random if you aren’t sure about your partners cues.

Start with a mellow touch (say the arm), remove that touch, and then reintroduce the touch, gradually upgrading the intensity and sensuality of the touch.  This back and forth keeps escalating sensual contact.  Make sure to back off before your partner makes sure you back off.  If they do tell you to slow down, then slow down more than they wanted you to.  That way you’ll have more confidence when you reintroduce sensual touch.

Although both sexes can use push-pull in flirting touch, women generally prefer it if the man leads (just like ballroom dancing).

Giving and Receiving

November 9th, 2011

How to relate with another human being optimally

Cause and effect are optimal roles to take to maximize connection and pleasure with another human being. If we can give and receive well, then we exist, not only in harmony with others, but also in love, cooperation and ultimately union with them.

Hands make heart shape To give we become upright, strong and loving. We release our attention on ourselves and attain a great sense of freedom and release. We hold our partner in our mind and our hands deriving deep satisfaction in their joy and pleasure.

To receive we must surrender, open and be vulnerable. We expose ourselves first to ourselves then to another. The heart releases and we are held. A place deep within us is nourished and pleasured.

In our extended orgasm practice we take the roles of cause and effect to create optimal sensation and orgasm. We also bring these roles into deep touch so that we can calm and heal our emotional bodies.

In taking these roles we optimize our connection with each other and overcome, perhaps, the greatest challenge of life.

Extended Orgasm Step by Step

November 2nd, 2011

We have gotten such good reports from participants in the Oracle of Life & Love,
and Romance Coaching, on your practice of DOing and Extended Orgasm that we
are going summarize a basic pattern that you can follow in your learning practice.
Although this is a basic pattern, the skills for some of the steps were/are covered in
the Pleasure Course or one of our advanced programs. The skills are actually quite
advanced; the pattern will help you put it all together.

These are basics, and like “standards” in music, they feel/sound great. Like the Sensuality Exercises, they are ways to guarantee that you have a good time and that your sensual research progresses. At times, and more and more so over the years,
you will alter these basics, but don’t take them for granted. Even the most complex Jazz is based in scales and standard musical progressions. Try playing Jazz with out scales… some have tried; it’s interesting for about 5 minutes.

Beautiful sexy brunette Here are some basics on the path of extended orgasm, giving and receiving:
1. Set up the time and space to be attractive and relaxed (15 minutes + is recommended, music smell, etc.).
2. Take the roles of cause and effect; sit in that position.

Doer or Cause:
3. Always keep your attention on your partner’s pleasure, deriving your
pleasure from this.
4. Start with slow deep, more massage like, pressure on legs.
5. Do some deep touch to really connect with your partner.
(All of that can take between one minute and 5 minutes, standard.)
6. Position DO towel
7. Apply lubricant in one smooth stroke with left hand.
8. Put hands in the basic DOing position (DOing lefty if possible for men)
9. After establishing contact with your partner’s most sensitive spot (upper left
hand quadrant of the clitoris, or apex of a man’s sex) gradually move from
firmer strokes to lighter strokes.
10. For most people the stroke on a woman’s genitals should be lighter and
shorter that what they might be inclined to do.
11. Take your partner up and down by alternating gradually changing pressure.
12. Peak your partner with any kind of slight change or pause in your stroke.
13. Build a dome shaped orgasm.
14. Keep a sexy yet specific dialogue going with your partner.
15. Bring your partner down with firmer pressure.
16. Towel your partner off.

DOee or effect:
17. Keep your attention on your partner’s stroke.
18. Surrender to your DOer such that you are at effect (you can ask for changes
but do it from a surrendered, effect, approving place).
19. Push your genitals out in a consistent yet relaxed way.
20. Spread your toes.
21. Experiment with moving your toes and/or creating a few deliberate
contractions in your genitals if that helps get you into involuntary movement
in your toes and genitals.
22. Tell your partner what feels good.
23. Really let go into the ride.
24. Stay relaxed but alert (so you don’t zone out or blow out from the height of
25. Afterwards, share your favorite frames with your DOer and express how
gratified you are, leaving your DOer feeling like a winner.

Now, those are the basics of what to do, but the most important part, no matter
what role you are in, is your intention and willingness to have a good time.

Also, don’t focus on a goal of orgasm. If you do what is described above, the person
at effect will reach a level of sensation where the body goes into extended orgasm
with all of the involuntary movements and sense of release.

There you have it. Enjoy!

Sensuality Vs. Eroticism

October 12th, 2011

A clash of Titans!  What are they, how do they exist on our lives, and who comes out on top?

Sensuality is based in the 5 senses, based in the body; it is bodily chemistry and feeling.  Eroticism is mental turn-on from a specific idea often based in transcending some taboo or other.  Dominant and submissive roles are the most popular expressions of erotic turn-on.

Bdsm In regards to our romantic lives we live in a primarily erotic culture (worldwide).  It is a culture marked by an extremely mental approach to life, even one’s love life.

Erotism is a good spice to add to one’s love life.  But… the minute it becomes the main course in one’s love life, as it is for most people, it causes a drop in turn-on.  You get diminishing returns.  You have to keep increasing the quantity and intensity of the erotic idea to get the same pleasurable result.  For example, the person in a submissive role must be increasingly that submissive to get turned on.

Eroticism taken too far leads to perversion.  Perversion is the ability to get turned-on only by a very narrow range of stimulus.  For example, women with red hair wearing black latex who remind someone of his first lover.

On the other hand, turn-on generated sensually increases the more you engage.   You get increasing returns (more and more pleasure).  For example, turn-on from feeling your hand on someone’s genitals increases the more you focus on what you are feeling in your hand, seeing with your eyes, and so on.

For a great sex life Sensuality should be the meal and Eroticism the spice.  If you fall in love with someone for primarily erotic reasons watch out because that turn on will wear out unless they become ever increasingly richer, more dominant, or whatever the “idea turn-on” is.

Basing your attraction to someone sensually will have you fall deeper and deeper in love with them over time.  You will become increasingly turned-on by them over time.  This is the secret to having an Eternal Date with someone.   Long standing relationships can be steered in this direction.  If you are single and dating, you may want to start your next relationship this way!

What it takes

October 5th, 2011

What does it really take to lean into life and reap the rewards of that? How would you describe that quality? Where is it from?

Depositphotos_10423634_original Alicia and I were blown away by how the participants of the September Pleasure Course totally leaned into their love and sex lives.  You could see people’s relationships expanding as if they were stretching their right in front of you.

Each participant leaned into their life, bringing forth a quality of awakeness, of refreshing vital interest.

It is so important to bring oneself forth this way in one’s life, especially your love life.
It can’t be work or you simply won’t keep doing it.  You are effortlessly uplifted.

Opportunities are not missed.  Life is lived fully now.  You naturally go for it.

The September Pleasure Course

September 28th, 2011

An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance and sex during this September’s Pleasure Course! And we all had an incredible time at the Cocktail Party that followed.


From suffering to enlightenment

September 21st, 2011

To move from suffering to enlightenment one must release or dissolve the various fixations of the ego structure. This leaves you in touch with your Self rather than your thoughts. The endless preoccupying thoughts are over!

Woman meditating on the beach at sunset. What is a fixation? What is the way to dissolve a fixation? A fixation is a point of view, a perspective, a worldview from a particular position. Understanding your fixations and feeling through them dissolves them. One’s viewpoints about oneself, others, life, and even that one is separate from others, are examples of fixed 

viewpoints. If one simply investigates any fixation as to whether it is true, one finds that it could not possibly be true because it is simply a perspective from a particular vantage point.

Although this is fairly straightforward, the process has the potential to be almost unlimitedly intense and emotional.  This is because as fixations move through consciousness for examination and release they are fully experienced and felt.  Some of those fixations, viewpoints, memories, etc. can be quite painful.

Willingness to feel and a clear understanding are the two most useful tools at one’s immediate disposal to realize the journey from suffering to enlightenment.  The process can happen at any speed, and paradoxically, is usually gradual and immediate at the same time.  This is due to the fact that understanding provides an immediate release, and yet, things take time to feel through and unwind.

What makes great sex?

September 14th, 2011

The two biggest relationship problems that people complain about sexually are:
1. Finding a partner &
2. Decreased sexual interest in the partner they find!

Sexy interracial couple People have difficulty finding partners for 3 reasons and they all relate to the person’s relationship blueprint.  They either think they’re not good enough or they think the other person (any potential partner) isn’t good enough or some combination.

The main reasons for decreased sexual interest in a partner are decreased chemistry (due to mental distraction or stress), life circumstance (they are simply to busy or fatigue) and mental misinformation (for men it’s prejudice against how women are and

should be; for women it primarily takes the form of anger and resentment toward men).  One addition for male’s decreased chemistry is mini-ejaculations during sex.

The resolution to all this and what makes for great sex and female orgasm is what we practice in all our quarterly sensuality research pools in the Oracle of Life and Love.  Firstly, partners are handled.  The circumstance is ideal and inviting of sensuality.  And lastly, the group openness and positivity support everyone is staying out of his or her head and having a good time.  Handling the circumstance and one’s mind are the keys having great sex.

These practices are something you can bring into your sex life… if you deem sensuality worthy of research.

How to Sensualize Your Lifestyle

September 7th, 2011

What can you do to sensualize your lifestyle? This is a question Alicia and I are always asking ourselves. We are always addressing our lifestyle.

Extreme close up of teeth biting strawberry. Usually people have their attention on ‘what they have’ rather than ‘how they are living’.  It is a lot easier to put attention on “what” rather than “how”.  For example, most people can give you a pretty good description of what they regularly eat but are stumped if you ask them how they eat.  How you eat (relaxed, in a nice environment, etc.) is actually just as important as what you eat.

We just got back from Mexico!  How we like to vacation is relaxed with lot’s of free time for extended orgasm D.O. dates, and that is just what we did.  Sometimes people come back from vacation more exhausted than they left because they had to see every ‘what’ they possibly could.

Sensualizing your lifestyle is paying attention to how you are living and making sure you are living pleasurably.  Sensual living is gratifying and enjoyable now.  It can look any number of ways.  You can have a partner or not.   Here are a few of our favorites:

1.    Have a D.O. date every day, with a partner or with yourself.

2.    Do that in the morning vs. pushing sex to end of the day when you are tired.

3.    Take relaxed vacations (vs. tourism) at least monthly, even if they are short and you don’t travel far.

4.    Cultivate friendships and community that forwards your sex life.

5.    Don’t miss opportunities!  Pleasureable opportunities abound… if you have an eye for them.

How about you?  What could you do to make your lifestyle more enjoyable and sensual?

Feminine Influence

August 23rd, 2011

Goal setting and supplying the energy for the goal are a woman’s responsibility and ability in relationship. Goal setting is brains; energy is turn on and fun. This is feminine influence.

Depositphotos_12213769_original Women often have some ambivalence about both the direction setting part and about being fun and supplying the turn on. This ambivalence is always based in anger or self-doubt. If the guy doesn’t co-operate her ambivalence and doubt may get stronger. It will help her to understand that he is just doing what worked with women in the past, from his mom down the line. They trained him… hopefully well, but sometimes not well. Now it’s her turn.

Clear confident instruction with lots of approval, repeated often, is how to do that.  She can give him much larger goals than he would normally take on if she handles him this way.

Some women say they don’t want to do that.  In twenty years of teaching we have found those to be the women who don’t have what they say they want.

The guy should also take 100% responsibility for fulfilling her desires and being fun himself (but that’s another blog and something we emphasize often in the Pleasure Course.)  If she steers him in a not-fun or dangerous direction it is also his responsibility to support her in making a course correction.

The real challenge for women is usually feeling right about herself and her appetite (see that blog series), the guy can be more or less work, but if she is confident and right about herself she’ll attract an enthusiastic guy and he’ll be easier to handle.

Can you remember being enlightened?

August 16th, 2011

This is the state of childhood.

There is no conception of oneself in early childhood.  Eventually one does start to conceive “I am”.  An internal imaginary realm gets created with the concept of oneself at the center.  Gradually, that inner realm of concepts gains greater and greater traction in appearing to actually be Reality itself.  The inherent happiness of childhood ends.

Boy smelling flower in autumn Initially in childhood we are not separate from anything because there is no conceptualization happening.  We do not conceive ourselves as separate; hence we do not feel separate.  The underlying unity of everything is experienced directly.

We experience the bliss, infiniteness, unity, depth and love of reality.  Our baseline experience is quite extraordinary compared what later develops when we leave that childhood state.

The state of childhood is an experience of enlightenment and connection that we all have had. If you truly feel how profound and ecstatic it was in it’s earliest phases before conceptualization then it will serve you as an anchor and a guide in your personal growth, returning you to yourself.

The 3 essentials of Extended 15-minute Orgasm

August 16th, 2011

We’re taking a real turn here folks.  From contact and intimacy to extended orgasm.  We just completed the Sensuality Expansion Program and J & H were fantastic.  A theme of the program was the 3 essentials of Extended Orgasm.

Here they are in order:

Depositphotos_11899568_original Connection

Being connected, in good contact, with your partner is critical.  Feeling the same thing at the same time is the gold standard here.

Going high

Going high means increased sensitivity on subtler and subtler levels of experience.  One’s potential for pleasure expands dramatically. “Peaking” is critical for this.

Signs of Orgasm

Involuntary contractions, flushing, engorgement and so on.

If you bring these 3 primary aspects of extended orgasm into play in the order given of importance you can quickly develop your orgasm and lengthen it.  10 to 15-minute orgasm is the standard for what we call Expert level orgasm and what it takes to graduate the Sensuality Expansion Program.  Congratulations to J and H!

The need for contact and intimacy

July 27th, 2011

Human beings have a deep and abundant need for intimacy with others.  Contact of this type is necessary for our growth and development.  It continues to be necessary throughout adulthood and throughout our lives.

Close Up Of Senior Couple Holding Hands On Beach In some ways we need it more as children because we need it, not only emotionally, but also to learn how to function and survive.  Yet, in another sense we need it more as adults because without good contact and intimacy it is practically impossible to unwind and resolve the interpersonal issues we bring from childhood into adulthood.  And as we know those issues can be significant!  (Just look at your “relationship blueprint”).

Denying this need is all too common because it can bring up a great deal of pain: feelings of isolation, loneliness, fear and so on.  Yet if we accept and feel this need we have taken the most important step to resolving past issues and enjoying our relationships today.  We have embraced our interdependence.

Some issues need to be resolved interpersonally and some need to be resolved within ourselves. The more psychological the issue the more likely we’ll need to resolve it interpersonally.  Psychological issues are primarily interpersonal and were formed from early interpersonal dynamics.  A healthy current relationship (often starting with a mentor or therapist) is often what resets the “relationship blueprint”.

Intellectual understanding alone, outside of interpersonal relationship, simply won’t cut in resolving psychological issues.  You’ve got to be in the water to learn to swim.

Spiritual issues (“Who am I?” and the like) are ultimately resolved by locating one’s nature or True Self.  This is an inner journey and personal growth that one does within oneself.  Of course, support and guidance are useful here, but these answers are within.

True spiritual development will support psychological healing and development… and healthy psychological development will support true spiritual realization.

The July Pleasure Course

July 20th, 2011

An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance and sex during this July’s Pleasure Course! And we all had an incredible time at the Cocktail Party that followed.

July pleasure course

The need for being taken care of

July 13th, 2011

The need to be taken care of is deeply felt by every human being.  It spans everything from our survival needs as children to our need to be seen and acknowledged to our need to have someone else assume responsibility for things so that we can relax.

Mom plays with the baby Unfortunately, when we need it most as children, this need is usually not fully met.  So as adults we have our normal needs of interdependence, acknowledgement, being seen and so on, plus a sense of unmet childhood needs which carry over into adulthood.

After 20 years of supporting singles and couples in thir relationships I can tell you this is what causes most relationship problems: disguised versions of “You are not taking care of me”.  Relationships turn into a reflection of early childhood patterns with parents.  The parent is projected onto one’s current partner along with a sense of not being taken care of.

The most important thing we can do to resolve this situation is to feel and understand the need directly.  It is a fundamental human need that takes many forms throughout life.

We can do things to get this need met, and, of course, that is helpful, but what is of critical importance to our personal growth is that we get familiar with this need.  That we feel it directly with compassion and understanding… first for ourselves and then others.

Somehow when we experience this need ourselves calmly and directly it soothes and calms us, as well as opens us to receiving from others.

When unmet need is felt through fully with understanding it begins to shift to desire… then to love, where it switches to more of a giving force… then to stillness, where we transcend even our need.

What everyone needs to know to have a great sex life

July 6th, 2011

Everyone is challenged sexually.  If you open to this and your sex life becomes a place to develop intimacy, a place to learn and grow, then you have a perfect sex life and will experience it as such.   In other words, then you will experience it pleasurably.

Young woman in lingerie If your goal is some type of perfection in terms of the way your sex life looks (to others or yourself), an ego goal, then you will not experience your sex life pleasurably.  That is always an experience of sexual scarcity, no matter how much sex you are having and no matter how that sex goes.

Alicia and I have a perfect sex life not because of the 30 years of research into sexuality, extended orgasm and so on, but rather because we embrace our sex life as a place to grow together and experience new heights of pleasure together.

Singles often (secretly) find their sex life wrong because it rarely meets the quantity and quality that they would like.  Couples (secretly) almost always have the same issue!

If on the other hand you embrace your sex life, lean into it, use it as a place to learn and grow, instead of judging yourself about it, then you will find it perfect… and it will grow!

A perfect man woman interaction

June 29th, 2011

This is our third in our woman’s appetite series. So now that we’ve learned something about a woman’s appetite and how to gratify that appetite, what does a perfect man woman interaction look like?

Exotic love Vic Baranco laid it out like this: her appetite then his production and then her consumption and gratification. If all those elements are met then that man woman cycle completes and completes pleasurably. This is incredible relationship advice.

What is of particular note for us, for where we are at in this woman’s appetite series, is that she must consume and be gratified by his production in order for the cycle to complete and everyone to feel good.

She must not only digest it but she must enjoy it. This is mastery from a feminine perspective.

… It also allows her to steer his production far more effectively toward her desires, giving her exactly what she wants ; )

How to gratify a woman

June 23rd, 2011

Last week we focused on a woman’s appetite. Now, what does it take to gratify that appetite. A good starting place is with the question “what does she want?”

1Depositphotos_16039197_original Vic Baranco, the famous sensuality researcher, used to say women want sex, food and baubles, in that order. What he meant was that relationship (including sex) is the foremost desire of women and necessities are second and extras are third.  This is tremendously useful for men in realizing what women want and for women in having their desires as right.

Women also want a lot, but may order short, for safety reasons. In other words, hedge her bet.

The key to gratifying a woman is realizing what she wants, that she wants a lot, and giving her everything that she wants… or perhaps barely less in order to gratify her appetite but not satisfy her appetite.  It’s like leaving the dinner table before your stuffed; you’re looking forward to the next meal, yet you are gratified.

What a woman wants

June 14th, 2011

Women want what they want. This is obviously true, but often missed. Sometimes a woman will even miss or not know what she, herself, wants. What is even more often the case is that she knows what she wants but somehow doesn’t feel right or safe in expressing it. Her appetite for what she wants, her desire, is withheld or concealed.

Beautiful thoughtful woman Feeling right about her appetite, at all levels, is the same as feeling right about herself.  This seems somehow selfish or at least extremely vulnerable, so she hides it.

As she realizes her appetite, first by getting into agreement with it then by gratifying it, her femininity is expressed fully and perfectly.

The result is infinitely greater pleasure for both sexes.

What a relationship is

May 30th, 2011

Communication is synonymous with relationship.  What else is a relationship besides ongoing communication?

playing cards It is also synonymous with vulnerability. To communicate with someone is to open and expose yourself the them.

It is also synonymous with truth.  For there to, in fact, be communication, truth must be present; otherwise it would be miscommunication.

The opposite is unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding.

Unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding are not morally wrong.  They just simply don’t work to be more related to someone, closer to them… to have a better relationship with them.

What a relationship actually is… is communication.

Would you be willing to put your cards on the table today?

Your relationship future

May 25th, 2011

Now let’s look at your relationship future.  What is the quality of your future when you look at it?

You can immediately sense if your future is given by your blueprint, i.e. that it is predictable.  Or perhaps your future blossoms from your being present now. In this case the future you imagine is more open, more organic.

Couple looking at a house If you are present your future has a quality of or softness and openness, if you are not present it has a repetitious dull and dark quality.

Where you are now, or how you are now, determines your “now future”. This is where the future is created or lived from.  The present gives the future.

Your mind is always mapping out the future.  That is the activity of mind. If you are in your blueprint/playbook now, in the presnt, you are going to map out what is in that blueprint.  And that is what your future will look like.

If you are present then the map becomes very different and very secondary… and the future is bright.

Your relationship life now

May 17th, 2011

Well, there’s your relationship life now, as it actually is… And there is your relationship life in your head, all the thoughts you have about your relationship life and all the patterns and activities you have from those thoughts.

Let’s look at your relationship life as it actually is.

Love you Before you think anything, what is there? Before you think anything, what is present? Nothing that you thought in your head is actually there the way you thought it.  If you can get out of the relationship life as you think it is in your head, everything is somehow unified and together and there’s no opinion about anything. Things just are as they are, but there is a very distinct experience to it.

Your relationship life occurs very differently here, than in your head.  Fundamentally, there is no sense of a problem.

Now, what human beings ordinarily think up in regards to their relationship is from their past, as we distinguished last week. Mostly it’s given by our early parental and sibling relationships. This gives a limited ability in relationship, and can cause many relationship problems. The natural skills of relationship, such as the love, connection, paying attention, seeing what the other person wants, and so on, are largely blocked. To be more exact, these are not so much skills as natural capacities of reality that one has when one is present.

There are two ways of developing these relationship skills. One way is to develop and practice them; the second is to be fully present and let them arrive. The first is somewhat willful and keeps the identity pattern intact, but it can be helpful. By being present, they will come naturally.

Your relationship past

May 12th, 2011

The biggest influence from your past on your current love life, whether you’re in a great relationship or having relationship problems, is your relationship with your family. The first 3-5 years of life are the most influential in terms of how we relate to other people, even sexually. This is in part because our current relationship blueprint is stored as memories of past relationships. Earlier memories carry more weight because experiences which come later are filtered through the earlier memories.

childhood: man holding photo of himself as a boy There are many challenges to looking at your relationship with your family and how that relates to your core relationship tendencies. The first is that our relationship with our parents, especially at such a young age when we are so open and undefended, is a very tender part of the blueprint. Another challenge is that sometimes, rather than mimic our parents, we do the exact opposite.

So take a moment to go back in your past and note, what are the critical influences that your family had on you when you’re young? This can be priceless information for your personal growth.

Changing Reality

April 19th, 2011

Manifesting specific results in your life.

Now that we have explored the spiritual side of change, let’s examine how to change specific things in your life like something about your job or your relationship.  Manifesting specific results in life is an incredible game to play… as long as you are not playing it as the end all and be all or the most important part of life.

Gilded Prometheus statue Creating specific results in your life starts with envisioning or simply knowing what result you would like.  Setting your objective is crucial.  The more creative the objective the better, while balancing being realistic and what is possible.

Putting your heart into it is next.  You must examine is this something you really want to do or something you have to do or something you should do.  The first two are accomplishable but the third is not.  You must be motivated.  It must matter to you or you must be in a position where you have no other choice.  The first is better.

From here, you must organize your life and yourself in any number of ways such that you are engaged in fulfilling your goal in your personal growth, job, love life, anything.  You can get very creative here.  This is setting the path and environment that will lead to your change.

Effortless Change

April 13th, 2011

We will further explore the challenges we confront when we attempt to change ourselves and discover the key to effortless change.

Imagine trying to change your internal reality and your external reality at the same time. By inner reality, I mean you’re head reality, how you felt, what you thought, and by external reality I mean your circumstances, your environment, the situation you’re in. Imagine trying to change both because somehow you knew that they were both false, or at least that your head reality was false, and that your external reality had been largely created or influenced by your head reality.

Colorful Rainbow Smoke So it wasn’t so much just trying to change your thought about something, but rather your thought had actually manifested in your environment so that the change you now wanted to create was much steeper. A good analogy would be, imagine feeling totally isolated, totally alone, and very separate (internal reality), and then at the same time living in an abandoned part of town, off the suburb of some very small city, rarely speaking to anyone.

The reason this is so much more difficult to change is not just because it’s twice as much to change, but once it’s gotten into your external environment, there is an enormous amount of evidence for the mind version, the isolated alone abandoned feeling, and it becomes much much harder to change the mind, and hence change the environment back.

The way to deal with this is to go right to the center of your inner reality, the center of all your thoughts, to your first thought that holds all the others together.  It is “I”.  If that thought is transcended then not only are all of the issues of him or her transcended, but the very person who had them is gone.  You are left.

If you want to transcend the “I” sense, then inevitably you are going to have to confront major self doubt. If you don’t go for transcending that “I” sense then you can numb yourself to the self doubt to a certain degree. But, if you do go for transcending the “I” sense, commonly called Realization or Personal Growth, then inevitably you will have to confront the self doubt associated with that “I” sense. You’ll have to confront that portion of the blueprint of your mind.  It really is the center of the blueprint.

Effortless change simply comes from moving through the center of the blueprint, which is the “I” sense.  If you realize you are not that, you will merge with everything, and all desired changes are accomplished effortlessly.  Things are just right.

The Pace of Change

April 6th, 2011

Have you ever been frustrated by the rate at which you, yourself, change? Perhaps you’ve wanted yourself to be some way and it just isn’t happening according to your timetable. Or maybe the person you are married to, or in relationship with, isn’t changing at the speed you’d like.

Often we know things about ourselves that would be great to change, and yet it can happen very slowly. Sometimes it happens very quickly, but that is rare.

Close up of caterpillar , pupae, and swallowtail butterfly There are two things you must take into account:

1) It took a long time to get this way and you are a very, very, very complex system, most of which is functioning outside of your conscious awareness.

2) The very effort to change reinforces the sense of ‘I’, as in “I want to change”.  This “I” is your ego and it is what is causes most suffering in the first place.  So it is like saying “I don’t want to be I”.  (This is a big topic fleshed out in other blogs and live teachings).

Real change happens when you see through this “I” and have patience with the complexity and momentum of yourself and your life.   It is the opposite of “taking heaven by storm” (i.e. you can’t force yourself to change).

Personal growth from this perspective is immediate in the sense of you are no longer that ‘ego I’ trying to change.  It is also gradual in that all the momentum and complexity of patterns, beliefs and so on, which make up a human being, will take time to unwind. Knowing this about yourself is invaluable, and knowing this about your partner can solve many relationship problems.

How to have an Eternal Date radio interview

April 5th, 2011
Microphone Hear Erwan and Alicia’s radio interview titled “How to have an Eternal Date”

How to have an Eternal Date

March 29th, 2011

An Eternal Date is a romantic relationship that keeps reaching higher peaks in love and sex. Sometimes we call it a “Peaking” relationship. Here are 10 keys to having an enternal date. If you are looking to start a new relationship, you can practice many of these and they will attract a soulmate.


  1. Have lots of vacations
  2. Be so honest they can’t help but love you
  3. Take care of each other emotionally
  4. Research and study sex enthusiastically
  5. Take your partner on dates
  6. Flirt unabashedly
  7. Make lots of time available
  8. Develop a rich spiritual life
  9. Get to know you and your partner’s romantic conditioning
  10. Realize it’s a lot more important than most of the rest of the stuff you’re doing!

The best thing you can do for all parts of your life

March 21st, 2011

The mass of concepts, beliefs and patterns through which people experience their lives (relationship, work, oneself… everything) dominates experience most of the time.

Buddha statue When we start to see that mass of concepts, beliefs and patterns for what it really is, which is just active thoughts and unconscious thoughts, we begin to separate from it.  This can happen quickly or slowly and brings a tremendous sense of freedom, joy and peace. It is the key to personal growth.

This is a very difficult process for people, not because it is that complex to do, but rather because it is very confronting.  It is both painful and humbling to feel through the mind you have built up over time.  That is the process of Corework or meditation.

We say we would like to let it go but doing it is another matter.  That old mind carries a great deal of pain for each person.  And the notion of letting go of how you have known yourself to be is itself inherently challenging and feels unsafe.

The self you used to be doesn’t gain anything from it… but you do.

Your Sensual Expansion

March 15th, 2011

Your sensual potential is unlimited.


This is a section of the final write up from Aaron’s Sensuality Expansion Program.  “DOing” is the technique of creating a 15-minute orgasm (or longer) in a woman’s body.  I think these selected paragraphs will be useful and fun in your journey of sensual expansion.  Enjoy: 


Sensuality expansion program “Our first DO date exposed just the areas that we needed help with. Perfect! Erwan and Alicia were so loving they modeled the love and curiosity that is the cornerstone of enlightened living and sexing. My coaching from Erwan was “Be raw and DO her.” He further described this as being right where she is going as soon as she gets there, like leading her where she is already going. Graduating the Sensuality Expansion Program is going to require that I lead by paying attention, be raw, and cultivate the single minded focus needed to actually see the subtlety of a woman.”


This is a section of the final write up from Kelsey’s Sensuality Expansion Program


“New themes for each of us came up as the structure of DOing began to shed light on how each of our egos show up in moments of intimacy. For Aaron it was “leaning into the intensity of subtlety” and for me it was “Womaning Up!” Erwan pointed out to us that there was a point near the middle of our dates where we were having trouble maintaining our connection and that he was still having to get us over that hump. This is exactly what was happening when we were DOing on our own, and without their coaching, we were getting into arguments in the middle of dates.
What I got out of the Sensuality Expansion Program is a deep sensual connection to myself and to Aaron, as well as the knowledge and skills to access that depth of connection anytime—and I now understand how that access is the key to our relationship growing more and more pleasurable over time!”


Find their full writeups, and those of other graduates, here!

Three ways to deal with upset in relationship

March 9th, 2011

Relating with another person will occasionally involve upset, and this is a perfectly normal part of any relationship. But what’s the best way to handle yourself in these situations, to minimize the pain and damage that can be caused without causing more relationship problems? Here are three ways I’ve found of dealing with upset as it comes up.

Upset couple with marital problems in bed The first is to know that if someone says something sharp to you, it is normal to feel hurt. Rather than striving for imperviousness in this kind of situation, have compassion and space for you to have the experience.

The second is to minimize “going to work” on the experience. It’s very easy to take the experience and use it to justify yourself, or defend yourself, or avoid intimacy or vulnerability. This is of course hard to do, and the key here is the first step I mentioned: have compassion for what you’re feeling, feel what you’re feeling fully, and the need to act on it or process it or use it will slowly drift away.

The third is, don’t take it personally. When somebody attacks you or says something offensive, it really has little to nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. This will help with the two steps above, and will help in understanding and having compassion for the other person, which will make it a lot easier for both of you to move beyond the sharp interaction.

This will help to clear your mind in the moment, and from a clear mind there are any number of options which can forward the situation, rather than reinforce the negative and defensive feelings which prompted the upset in the first place.

When to push, when to pull?

March 2nd, 2011

Push-pull is a method of seduction in which you pull someone in (e.g. start a conversation with someone or take the conversation a bit higher sensually) until just before the point that they realize they have had enough, then push them away (e.g. end the conversation or change to a less sexually charged topic) .

Depositphotos_40389321_original But, how do you know when someone has had enough before even they do? The key is your attention on them. If you’ve got your full attention on someone, you’ve got access to all kinds of incredible information. You can even know things about them that they may not be aware of themselves.

Here’s an example which I think most of us are familiar with, and one you can even try today. The next time you’re in a conversation with somebody, notice the point when you feel the conversation winding down, when you feel that it’s time to end the conversation. Sometimes this feels like a slight reduction in excitement, or a tinge of distraction. Sometimes this is when the conversation actually does wrap up, and sometimes the conversation continues. If it continues and you stay in the conversation too long, it stops feeling good, and may start to feel awkward or anxious. If you end the conversation, you and the other person are left feeling good.

The exact same feelings come up when relating with the opposite sex, whether asking someone on a date or having sex. If you have your full attention on the other person, and notice how the situation feels, you will know exactly when to take things one level higher, and exactly when to pause and bring things down a bit.

The February Pleasure Course

February 23rd, 2011

An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance during this February’s Pleasure Course!

February Pleasure Course

15 Minute Orgasm – Most important points

February 15th, 2011

After teaching singles and couples how to have 15-minute orgasm for the last nearly 20 years I can tell you there is nothing better you can add to a relationship to accelerate it, at least in the turn on department.  It’s the best relationship advice I could give you in the sex department.

DESIRE In two of our advanced programs, the Oracle of life and love and the Oracle of sex, money and power, we have been having sensuality research pools over the last two weeks and Alicia and I have been blown away by people’s ability to give and receive pleasure.

The technique is called DOing, standing for deliberate orgasm.

One person plays the role of cause (the “Doer”) the other plays the role of effect (being done to or the “DOee”). Doing involves manual stimulation, usually between two people, but someone can do it to himself or herself as well

The most important point for the doer is having their full attention on the pleasure of the doee.  The most important point for the doee is surrendering to their doer.  This establishes connection.  Connection is key.

Communication is the next most important point.  Talk approvingly both ways!

The Doer should “peak” their partner regularly.  This means taking mini breaks while stroking your partner, from a tenth of a second to several seconds.  These breaks stop the cummer from spiking up really fast and going over a hard edge (traditional climax orgasm) and instead extend the sensation.

When the cummer reaches what we call the Orgasm line, where the body just hints at going into involuntary contractions, the most obvious sign of orgasm, back off and slow down.  This will keep you in a state of orgasm without crashing over a hard edge.  Also push your genitals out, keep them relaxed (vs. clenched) throughout but especially at this point.

The orgasm will be higher and more relaxed than you are used to… and of course of much longer duration.

There are about a million other points I could mention, but these are among the most important.  Realistically, to learn 15-minute orgasm requires training and practicing.  The Sensuality Expansion Program is where we do our highest level training with singles and couples, but our other advanced programs and vacation courses are a great place to start : )

Relationship advice on taking your love life to the next level

February 8th, 2011
Microphone Hear Erwan and Alicia’s radio interview titled “Relationship advice on taking your love life to the next level”

Flirting in all Stages of Relationship

February 1st, 2011

I first started flirting, at least overtly, in junior high school.  And I, sort of, realized I wasn’t the one who started it!

Flirting is the give and take of sexual energy.   It is practiced overtly and covertly, but mostly covertly in a language that is like a code.  Like an energetic code.

Couple Flirt Kiss When Alicia and I met and connected we had a tremendous energetic connection.  We were taking a seminar and doing exercises together in front of the group.  I can still remember and feel that moment.

Today, that energy is far greater and deeper even than it was at that moment… and it is really due to expanding that energetic connection, that give and take that flirting is.

Flirting is actually something quite deep, that typically gets overlooked as time goes on in a relationship.  It get’s trivialized ultimately because of fear.  Fear of intimacy.

Flirting isn’t only for new relationships or the first date. Flirting is very deep intimacy.

Female Decoder Ring

January 25th, 2011

Men and women have a different style of communication. Women typically speak both their style and the male style because we live in a culture that mostly speaks the man-style. Men typically don’t speak both because women are willing to speak both styles. This can be a problem because when women aren’t heard or it isn’t clear what they want or what they are saying: the women aren’t super happy and neither are the guys.

Depositphotos_22188155_original There are two instances in particular in which it really helps to have a deeper perception than us men sometimes have. These are when a woman is being aggressive or she is being withdrawn. What does that mean, what could be going on that men might ordinarily misinterpret?

In short, a fight or flight response is occurring. Being aggressive or withdrawn is often interpreted by men, and women too, as simply being negative. Sometimes that is the case: all of us can sometimes get into a contracted or a non-open state. But that is not usually all that is going on, and sometimes that has nothing to do with it.

There are two reasons that a fight or flight response is happening. One thing that is often going on, and that is usually not seen, is that she is actually turned-on, and the turn-on comes out more as tension and aggression. Often men miss this cue and the potential for huge fun, and make it into something negative. Most of the time, releasing that stored sexual energy will release the tension, and will be very pleasurable for both people involved.

Reason two is that she has somehow been insulted. In today’s culture there is a lack of acknowledgement for the feminine, a discounting or discrediting of femininity. Not seeing a woman as woman-ness is a type of insult. This is something that women are just as likely to do as men, a kind of discounting of themselves and each other, rather than celebrating something that really is worthy of celebration.

These are two misinterpretations that occur all the time. When they’re decoded, it opens up potential for great sexual intimacy, closeness, and healing.

The Being of 15-minute Orgasm

January 18th, 2011

The essential element is to stay present.  If you are present extraordinary experiences unfold.

I was thinking of calling this entry “15-minute Orgasm – Not blowing out”.

couple in love In the Sensuality Expansion Program we just led, we worked with the DOer repeatedly on expanding his ability to stay present during the high peaks of female orgasm.

To stay present do these things

1. Focus on the contact point

a. Doers on your finger on her clitoris

b. Cummers on your clitoris at the point of contact

2. Feel and express your sensation both ways

With her (in the Sensuality Expansion Program) we worked, not so much on staying present for high peaks, but staying continually present v.s. “on and off”.

The being of 15-minute orgasm is simply being present.

Intimacy is what arises at a much higher level than what we are used to.  This intimacy is usually resisted quite strongly and subtly.  One is likely to not even know one is resisting intimacy or not being present.

So it requires more of a heart willingness than an understanding.  The Being of 15-minute orgasm is Openness… openness to all things, intimacy being the most challenging.

The intimacy is physical so it can be much more pleasurable but also much more deep.

How to increase sex energy

January 11th, 2011

The number one thing you can do to increase sexual energy is to structure your life in a way that doesn’t stress you out. When human beings are stressed, the sex drive plummets. This is the biggest cause of loss of male and female libido.

Woman and man kissing The second thing you can do is practice being in your body. Being in your head puts you in a very confined, mental space which tends not to be a juicy, sexual, embodied space.

The third thing you can do is understand female extended orgasm and that women are the source of sexual energy. The ability to feel and notice and acknowledge turn-on in women (especially in yourself, if you are a woman) is critical to increasing sexual energy.

Finally, if you’re a man, another thing you can do is reduce the frequency of going over a hard edge and ejaculating (this applies to women as well, though not as much because bodily fluid isn’t expended). This can be a tough thing to do, for obvious reasons. Ejaculating consumes a tremendous amount of sexual energy.

For teenagers, I recommend once per week, for middle age, once per month, and for older age, once every few months. In order to be successful at this, you need to have your life structured so you can be relaxed (back to the first point above), otherwise the built up energy turns into tension. This is something I practice, and it makes all the difference in the world.

These techniques require intention and practice, and the rewards really are incredible!

Top 10 points of extended 15 minute female orgasm from a woman’s perspective

January 4th, 2011

1. Decide ahead of time to have a great time and enjoy yourself no matter what. Release your mind and the past (which is a spiritual practice).

2. Actively move your energy into his hands, your hips, genitals, legs, and feet vs your head.

3. Trust your doer completely – don’t try to control him, just feel where he is taking you.


4. Be vocal – let the orgasm come through your vocal cords.

5. Focus your attention on the contact point between his finger and your clitoris.

6. Feel each stroke.

7. Push your genitals out gently.

8. Lean into the sensation – no matter what the sensations is you will experience extreme pleasure by leaning into it fully.

9. Spread your fingers and toes.

10.  It takes something to have extended orgasm – it takes ongoing training and it also takes giving yourself to sexual pleasure fully EACH TIME, no matter how much or how little training you have.

The biggest sexual hangups

December 28th, 2010

Whether in a relationship or not, everyone has relationship problems and hangups. Sexual hangups may seem uncommon because people don’t talk about them as much, but they’re common as well. These hangups can be small or they can be huge.

In over 17 years of studying and teaching this work, I’ve found that the biggest sexual hangup for women is feeling frigid, a lack of sexual apetite or interest. The biggest sexual hangups for men are having trouble keeping an erection or, almost the opposite, ejaculating early.

A sexual hangup is really negative sexual material in what I call one’s “blueprint”. Ones blueprint is one’s ego. It is the identification system a person is looking though when relating with people and the world. This blueprint is made up of memories of oneself in relation to another, associated with an emotion (for example a small guilty self in fear of a punishing father).  It is these memories and emotions which can pull you out of your body and interfere with any sex act.

Upset woman in bed sleeping separate of a man

Fundamentally, the best way I’ve found to deal with these memories and emotions is to feel them fully as they come up. This can be particularly difficult to do when they come up during sex! But doing this will open you up to the unlimited pleasure and love available to all of us.