Extended Orgasm Step by Step

November 2nd, 2011

We have gotten such good reports from participants in the Oracle of Life & Love,
and Romance Coaching, on your practice of DOing and Extended Orgasm that we
are going summarize a basic pattern that you can follow in your learning practice.
Although this is a basic pattern, the skills for some of the steps were/are covered in
the Pleasure Course or one of our advanced programs. The skills are actually quite
advanced; the pattern will help you put it all together.

 

These are basics, and like “standards” in music, they feel/sound great. Like the Sensuality Exercises, they are ways to guarantee that you have a good time and that your sensual research progresses. At times, and more and more so over the years,
you will alter these basics, but don’t take them for granted. Even the most complex Jazz is based in scales and standard musical progressions. Try playing Jazz with out scales… some have tried; it’s interesting for about 5 minutes.

   

female in 15 minute orgasm Here are some basics on the path of extended orgasm, giving and receiving:
1. Set up the time and space to be attractive and relaxed (15 minutes + is recommended, music smell, etc.).
2. Take the roles of cause and effect; sit in that position.

 

Doer or Cause:
3. Always keep your attention on your partner’s pleasure, deriving your
pleasure from this.
4. Start with slow deep, more massage like, pressure on legs.
5. Do some deep touch to really connect with your partner.
(All of that can take between one minute and 5 minutes, standard.)
6. Position DO towel
7. Apply lubricant in one smooth stroke with left hand.
8. Put hands in the basic DOing position (DOing lefty if possible for men)
9. After establishing contact with your partner’s most sensitive spot (upper left
hand quadrant of the clitoris, or apex of a man’s sex) gradually move from
firmer strokes to lighter strokes.
10. For most people the stroke on a woman’s genitals should be lighter and
shorter that what they might be inclined to do.
11. Take your partner up and down by alternating gradually changing pressure.
12. Peak your partner with any kind of slight change or pause in your stroke.
13. Build a dome shaped orgasm.
14. Keep a sexy yet specific dialogue going with your partner.
15. Bring your partner down with firmer pressure.
16. Towel your partner off.

 

DOee or effect:
17. Keep your attention on your partner’s stroke.
18. Surrender to your DOer such that you are at effect (you can ask for changes
but do it from a surrendered, effect, approving place).
19. Push your genitals out in a consistent yet relaxed way.
20. Spread your toes.
21. Experiment with moving your toes and/or creating a few deliberate
contractions in your genitals if that helps get you into involuntary movement
in your toes and genitals.
22. Tell your partner what feels good.
23. Really let go into the ride.
24. Stay relaxed but alert (so you don’t zone out or blow out from the height of
feeling).
25. Afterwards, share your favorite frames with your DOer and express how
gratified you are, leaving your DOer feeling like a winner.

 

Now, those are the basics of what to do, but the most important part, no matter
what role you are in, is your intention and willingness to have a good time.

 

Also, don’t focus on a goal of orgasm. If you do what is described above, the person
at effect will reach a level of sensation where the body goes into extended orgasm
with all of the involuntary movements and sense of release.

 

There you have it. Enjoy!

Sensuality Vs. Eroticism

October 12th, 2011

A clash of Titans!  What are they, how do they exist on our lives, and who comes out on top?

 

Sensuality is based in the 5 senses, based in the body; it is bodily chemistry and feeling.  Eroticism is mental turn-on from a specific idea often based in transcending some taboo or other.  Dominant and submissive roles are the most popular expressions of erotic turn-on. 

   

Whip In regards to our romantic lives we live in a primarily erotic culture (worldwide).  It is a culture marked by an extremely mental approach to life, even one’s love life.

 

Erotism is a good spice to add to one’s love life.  But… the minute it becomes the main course in one’s love life, as it is for most people, it causes a drop in turn-on.  You get diminishing returns.  You have to keep increasing the quantity and intensity of the erotic idea to get the same pleasurable result.  For example, the person in a submissive role must be increasingly that submissive to get turned on. 

 

Eroticism taken too far leads to perversion.  Perversion is the ability to get turned-on only by a very narrow range of stimulus.  For example, women with red hair wearing black latex who remind someone of his first lover.

 

On the other hand, turn-on generated sensually increases the more you engage.   You get increasing returns (more and more pleasure).  For example, turn-on from feeling your hand on someone’s genitals increases the more you focus on what you are feeling in your hand, seeing with your eyes, and so on.

 

For a great sex life Sensuality should be the meal and Eroticism the spice.  If you fall in love with someone for primarily erotic reasons watch out because that turn on will wear out unless they become ever increasingly richer, more dominant, or whatever the “idea turn-on” is.

 

Basing your attraction to someone sensually will have you fall deeper and deeper in love with them over time.  You will become increasingly turned-on by them over time.  This is the secret to having an Eternal Date with someone.   Long standing relationships can be steered in this direction.  If you are single and dating, you may want to start your next relationship this way!

What it takes

October 5th, 2011

What does it really take to lean into life and reap the rewards of that?  How would you describe that quality?  Where is it from?

 

couple in love Alicia and I were blown away by how the participants of the September Pleasure Course totally leaned into their love and sex lives.  You could see people’s relationships expanding as if they were stretching their right in front of you. 

 

Each participant leaned into their life, bringing forth a quality of awakeness, of refreshing vital interest. 

  

It is so important to bring oneself forth this way in one’s life, especially your love life.
It can’t be work or you simply won’t keep doing it.  You are effortlessly uplifted. 

 

Opportunities are not missed.  Life is lived fully now.  You naturally go for it.

The September Pleasure Course

September 28th, 2011

An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance and sex during this September’s Pleasure Course! And we all had an incredible time at the Cocktail Party that followed.

Sept-11

From suffering to enlightenment

September 21st, 2011

To move from suffering to enlightenment one must release or dissolve the various fixations of the ego structure.  This leaves you in touch with your Self rather than your thoughts.  The endless preoccupying thoughts are over!

 

spiritual journey What is a fixation?  What is the way to dissolve a fixation?  A fixation is a point of view, a perspective, a worldview from a particular position.  Understanding your fixations and feeling through them dissolves them.  One’s viewpoints about oneself, others, life, and even that one is separate from others, are examples of fixed  

viewpoints.  If one simply investigates any fixation as to whether it is true, one finds that it could not possibly be true because it is simply a perspective from a particular vantage point.

 

Although this is fairly straightforward, the process has the potential to be almost unlimitedly intense and emotional.  This is because as fixations move through consciousness for examination and release they are fully experienced and felt.  Some of those fixations, viewpoints, memories, etc. can be quite painful.

 

Willingness to feel and a clear understanding are the two most useful tools at one’s immediate disposal to realize the journey from suffering to enlightenment.  The process can happen at any speed, and paradoxically, is usually gradual and immediate at the same time.  This is due to the fact that understanding provides an immediate release, and yet, things take time to feel through and unwind.

What makes great sex?

September 14th, 2011

The two biggest relationship problems that people complain about sexually are:
1. Finding a partner &
2. Decreased sexual interest in the partner they find!

great-sex People have difficulty finding partners for 3 reasons and they all relate to the person’s relationship blueprint.  They either think they’re not good enough or they think the other person (any potential partner) isn’t good enough or some combination.      

 

The main reasons for decreased sexual interest in a partner are decreased chemistry (due to mental distraction or stress), life circumstance (they are simply to busy or fatigue) and mental misinformation (for men it’s prejudice against how women are and

should be; for women it primarily takes the form of anger and resentment toward men).  One addition for male’s decreased chemistry is mini-ejaculations during sex.

 

The resolution to all this and what makes for great sex and female orgasm is what we practice in all our quarterly sensuality research pools in the Oracle of Life and Love.  Firstly, partners are handled.  The circumstance is ideal and inviting of sensuality.  And lastly, the group openness and positivity support everyone is staying out of his or her head and having a good time.  Handling the circumstance and one’s mind are the keys having great sex.
 

These practices are something you can bring into your sex life… if you deem sensuality worthy of research.

How to Sensualize Your Lifestyle

September 7th, 2011

What can you do to sensualize your lifestyle?  This is a question Alicia and I are always asking ourselves.  We are always addressing our lifestyle. 

 

Macro view of a pretty young female eating fresh strawberry Usually people have their attention on ‘what they have’ rather than ‘how they are living’.  It is a lot easier to put attention on “what” rather than “how”.  For example, most people can give you a pretty good description of what they regularly eat but are stumped if you ask them how they eat.  How you eat (relaxed, in a nice environment, etc.) is actually just as important as what you eat.

 

We just got back from Mexico!  How we like to vacation is relaxed with lot’s of free time for extended orgasm D.O. dates, and that is just what we did.  Sometimes people come back from vacation more exhausted than they left because they had to see every ‘what’ they possibly could.

 

Sensualizing your lifestyle is paying attention to how you are living and making sure you are living pleasurably.  Sensual living is gratifying and enjoyable now.  It can look any number of ways.  You can have a partner or not.   Here are a few of our favorites:

1.    Have a D.O. date every day, with a partner or with yourself.

2.    Do that in the morning vs. pushing sex to end of the day when you are tired.

3.    Take relaxed vacations (vs. tourism) at least monthly, even if they are short and you don’t travel far.

4.    Cultivate friendships and community that forwards your sex life.

5.    Don’t miss opportunities!  Pleasureable opportunities abound… if you have an eye for them.

 

How about you?  What could you do to make your lifestyle more enjoyable and sensual?

Feminine Influence

August 23rd, 2011

Goal setting and supplying the energy for the goal are a woman’s responsibility and ability in relationship.  Goal setting is brains; energy is turn on and fun.  This is feminine influence. 

 

feminine influence Women often have some ambivalence about both the direction setting part and about being fun and supplying the turn on.  This ambivalence is always based in anger or self-doubt.  If the guy doesn’t co-operate her ambivalence and doubt may get stronger.  It will help her to understand that he is just doing what worked with women in the past, from his mom down the line.  They trained him… hopefully well, but sometimes not well.  Now it’s her turn.

 

Clear confident instruction with lots of approval, repeated often, is how to do that.  She can give him much larger goals than he would normally take on if she handles him this way.  

 

Some women say they don’t want to do that.  In twenty years of teaching we have found those to be the women who don’t have what they say they want.

 

The guy should also take 100% responsibility for fulfilling her desires and being fun himself (but that’s another blog and something we emphasize often in the Pleasure Course.)  If she steers him in a not-fun or dangerous direction it is also his responsibility to support her in making a course correction.

 

The real challenge for women is usually feeling right about herself and her appetite (see that blog series), the guy can be more or less work, but if she is confident and right about herself she’ll attract an enthusiastic guy and he’ll be easier to handle.

Can you remember being enlightened?

August 16th, 2011

This is the state of childhood. 

 

There is no conception of oneself in early childhood.  Eventually one does start to conceive “I am”.  An internal imaginary realm gets created with the concept of oneself at the center.  Gradually, that inner realm of concepts gains greater and greater traction in appearing to actually be Reality itself.  The inherent happiness of childhood ends.

 

childhood wonder Initially in childhood we are not separate from anything because there is no conceptualization happening.  We do not conceive ourselves as separate; hence we do not feel separate.  The underlying unity of everything is experienced directly.

 

We experience the bliss, infiniteness, unity, depth and love of reality.  Our baseline experience is quite extraordinary compared what later develops when we leave that childhood state.

 

The state of childhood is an experience of enlightenment and connection that we all have had.  If you truly feel how profound and ecstatic it was in it’s earliest phases before conceptualization then it will serve you as an anchor and a guide in your personal growth, returning you to yourself.

 

The 3 essentials of Extended 15-minute Orgasm

August 16th, 2011

We’re taking a real turn here folks.  From contact and intimacy to extended orgasm.  We just completed the Sensuality Expansion Program and J & H were fantastic.  A theme of the program was the 3 essentials of Extended Orgasm. 

 

Here they are in order:

 

15 minute orgasm Connection

Being connected, in good contact, with your partner is critical.  Feeling the same thing at the same time is the gold standard here.

 

Going high

Going high means increased sensitivity on subtler and subtler levels of experience.  One’s potential for pleasure expands dramatically. “Peaking” is critical for this.

 

Signs of Orgasm

Involuntary contractions, flushing, engorgement and so on.

 

If you bring these 3 primary aspects of extended orgasm into play in the order given of importance you can quickly develop your orgasm and lengthen it.  10 to 15-minute orgasm is the standard for what we call Expert level orgasm and what it takes to graduate the Sensuality Expansion Program.  Congratulations to J and H!

The need for contact and intimacy

July 27th, 2011

Human beings have a deep and abundant need for intimacy with others.  Contact of this type is necessary for our growth and development.  It continues to be necessary throughout adulthood and throughout our lives. 

contact and intimacy In some ways we need it more as children because we need it, not only emotionally, but also to learn how to function and survive.  Yet, in another sense we need it more as adults because without good contact and intimacy it is practically impossible to unwind and resolve the interpersonal issues we bring from childhood into adulthood.  And as we know those issues can be significant!  (Just look at your “relationship blueprint”).

 

Denying this need is all too common because it can bring up a great deal of pain: feelings of isolation, loneliness, fear and so on.  Yet if we accept and feel this need we have taken the most important step to resolving past issues and enjoying our relationships today.  We have embraced our interdependence.

 Some issues need to be resolved interpersonally and some need to be resolved within ourselves. The more psychological the issue the more likely we’ll need to resolve it interpersonally.  Psychological issues are primarily interpersonal and were formed from early interpersonal dynamics.  A healthy current relationship (often starting with a mentor or therapist) is often what resets the “relationship blueprint”.

 

Intellectual understanding alone, outside of interpersonal relationship, simply won’t cut in resolving psychological issues.  You’ve got to be in the water to learn to swim.

 

Spiritual issues (“Who am I?” and the like) are ultimately resolved by locating one’s nature or True Self.  This is an inner journey and personal growth that one does within oneself.  Of course, support and guidance are useful here, but these answers are within.

 

True spiritual development will support psychological healing and development… and healthy psychological development will support true spiritual realization.

The July Pleasure Course

July 20th, 2011

An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance and sex during this July’s Pleasure Course! And we all had an incredible time at the Cocktail Party that followed.

July pleasure course

The need for being taken care of

July 13th, 2011

The need to be taken care of is deeply felt by every human being.  It spans everything from our survival needs as children to our need to be seen and acknowledged to our need to have someone else assume responsibility for things so that we can relax.

baby-wanting-care Unfortunately, when we need it most as children, this need is usually not fully met.  So as adults we have our normal needs of interdependence, acknowledgement, being seen and so on, plus a sense of unmet childhood needs which carry over into adulthood.

 After 20 years of supporting singles and couples in thir relationships I can tell you this is what causes most relationship problems: disguised versions of “You are not taking care of me”.  Relationships turn into a reflection of early childhood patterns with parents.  The parent is projected onto one’s current partner along with a sense of not being taken care of.

 

The most important thing we can do to resolve this situation is to feel and understand the need directly.  It is a fundamental human need that takes many forms throughout life.

 

We can do things to get this need met, and, of course, that is helpful, but what is of critical importance to our personal growth is that we get familiar with this need.  That we feel it directly with compassion and understanding… first for ourselves and then others.

 

Somehow when we experience this need ourselves calmly and directly it soothes and calms us, as well as opens us to receiving from others.

 

When unmet need is felt through fully with understanding it begins to shift to desire… then to love, where it switches to more of a giving force… then to stillness, where we transcend even our need.

What everyone needs to know to have a great sex life

July 6th, 2011

Everyone is challenged sexually.  If you open to this and your sex life becomes a place to develop intimacy, a place to learn and grow, then you have a perfect sex life and will experience it as such.   In other words, then you will experience it pleasurably. 

sensuality85x60 If your goal is some type of perfection in terms of the way your sex life looks (to others or yourself), an ego goal, then you will not experience your sex life pleasurably.  That is always an experience of sexual scarcity, no matter how much sex you are having and no matter how that sex goes.   

 

Alicia and I have a perfect sex life not because of the 30 years of research into sexuality, extended orgasm and so on, but rather because we embrace our sex life as a place to grow together and experience new heights of pleasure together.

 

Singles often (secretly) find their sex life wrong because it rarely meets the quantity and quality that they would like.  Couples (secretly) almost always have the same issue!

If on the other hand you embrace your sex life, lean into it, use it as a place to learn and grow, instead of judging yourself about it, then you will find it perfect… and it will grow!

A perfect man woman interaction

June 29th, 2011

This is our third in our woman’s appetite series. So now that we’ve learned something about a woman’s appetite and how to gratify that appetite, what does a perfect man woman interaction look like? 

man-woman Vic Baranco laid it out like this: her appetite then his production and then her consumption and gratification. If all those elements are met then that man woman cycle completes and completes pleasurably. This is incredible relationship advice.

 
What is of particular note for us, for where we are at in this woman’s appetite series, is that she must consume and be gratified by his production in order for the cycle to complete and everyone to feel good.

 

She must not only digest it but she must enjoy it. This is mastery from a feminine perspective.

 

… It also allows her to steer his production far more effectively toward her desires, giving her exactly what she wants ; )

How to gratify a woman

June 23rd, 2011

Last week we focused on a woman’s appetite. Now, what does it take to gratify that appetite. A good starting place is with the question “what does she want?”

 

Gratified Vic Baranco, the famous sensuality researcher, used to say women want sex, food and baubles, in that order. What he meant was that relationship (including sex) is the foremost desire of women and necessities are second and extras are third.  This is tremendously useful for men in realizing what women want and for women in having their desires as right.

 

Women also want a lot, but may order short, for safety reasons. In other words, hedge her bet.

The key to gratifying a woman is realizing what she wants, that she wants a lot, and giving her everything that she wants… or perhaps barely less in order to gratify her appetite but not satisfy her appetite.  It’s like leaving the dinner table before your stuffed; you’re looking forward to the next meal, yet you are gratified.

What a woman wants

June 14th, 2011

Women want what they want.  This is obviously true, but often missed.  Sometimes a woman will even miss or not know what she, herself, wants.  What is even more often the case is that she knows what she wants but somehow doesn’t feel right or safe in expressing it.  Her appetite for what she wants, her desire, is withheld or concealed.   

 

what-a-woman-wants Feeling right about her appetite, at all levels, is the same as feeling right about herself.  This seems somehow selfish or at least extremely vulnerable, so she hides it. 

 

As she realizes her appetite, first by getting into agreement with it then by gratifying it, her femininity is expressed fully and perfectly. 

 

The result is infinitely greater pleasure for both sexes.

What a relationship is

May 30th, 2011

Communication is synonymous with relationship.  What else is a relationship besides ongoing communication?

 

cards-on-the-table It is also synonymous with vulnerability. To communicate with someone is to open and expose yourself the them.     

 

It is also synonymous with truth.  For there to, in fact, be communication, truth must be present; otherwise it would be miscommunication. 

 

The opposite is unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding.

 

Unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding are not morally wrong.  They just simply don’t work to be more related to someone, closer to them… to have a better relationship with them.

 

What a relationship actually is… is communication.

 

Would you be willing to put your cards on the table today?

Your relationship future

May 25th, 2011

Now let’s look at your relationship future.  What is the quality of your future when you look at it? 

 

You can immediately sense if your future is given by your blueprint, i.e. that it is predictable.  Or perhaps your future blossoms from your being present now. In this case the future you imagine is more open, more organic.

 

relationship future If you are present your future has a quality of or softness and openness, if you are not present it has a repetitious dull and dark quality.   

 

Where you are now, or how you are now, determines your “now future”. This is where the future is created or lived from.  The present gives the future.

 

Your mind is always mapping out the future.  That is the activity of mind. If you are in your blueprint/playbook now, in the presnt, you are going to map out what is in that blueprint.  And that is what your future will look like.

 

If you are present then the map becomes very different and very secondary… and the future is bright.

Your relationship life now

May 17th, 2011

Well, there’s your relationship life now, as it actually is… And there is your relationship life in your head, all the thoughts you have about your relationship life and all the patterns and activities you have from those thoughts.

 

Let’s look at your relationship life as it actually is.  

 

happy-couple Before you think anything, what is there? Before you think anything, what is present? Nothing that you thought in your head is actually there the way you thought it.  If you can get out of the relationship life as you think it is in your head, everything is somehow unified and together and there’s no opinion about anything. Things just are as they are, but there is a very distinct experience to it.

 

Your relationship life occurs very differently here, than in your head.  Fundamentally, there is no sense of a problem.

 

Now, what human beings ordinarily think up in regards to their relationship is from their past, as we distinguished last week. Mostly it’s given by our early parental and sibling relationships. This gives a limited ability in relationship, and can cause many relationship problems. The natural skills of relationship, such as the love, connection, paying attention, seeing what the other person wants, and so on, are largely blocked. To be more exact, these are not so much skills as natural capacities of reality that one has when one is present.

 

There are two ways of developing these relationship skills. One way is to develop and practice them; the second is to be fully present and let them arrive. The first is somewhat willful and keeps the identity pattern intact, but it can be helpful. By being present, they will come naturally.

Your relationship past

May 12th, 2011

The biggest influence from your past on your current love life, whether you’re in a great relationship or having relationship problems, is your relationship with your family. The first 3-5 years of life are the most influential in terms of how we relate to other people, even sexually. This is in part because our current relationship blueprint is stored as memories of past relationships. Earlier memories carry more weight because experiences which come later are filtered through the earlier memories.

 

family-memories There are many challenges to looking at your relationship with your family and how that relates to your core relationship tendencies. The first is that our relationship with our parents, especially at such a young age when we are so open and undefended, is a very tender part of the blueprint. Another challenge is that sometimes, rather than mimic our parents, we do the exact opposite.

 

So take a moment to go back in your past and note, what are the critical influences that your family had on you when you’re young? This can be priceless information for your personal growth.

Changing Reality

April 19th, 2011

Manifesting specific results in your life.

 

Now that we have explored the spiritual side of change, let’s examine how to change specific things in your life like something about your job or your relationship.  Manifesting specific results in life is an incredible game to play… as long as you are not playing it as the end all and be all or the most important part of life.

atlas changing reality Creating specific results in your life starts with envisioning or simply knowing what result you would like.  Setting your objective is crucial.  The more creative the objective the better, while balancing being realistic and what is possible.    

 

 

Putting your heart into it is next.  You must examine is this something you really want to do or something you have to do or something you should do.  The first two are accomplishable but the third is not.  You must be motivated.  It must matter to you or you must be in a position where you have no other choice.  The first is better.

 

From here, you must organize your life and yourself in any number of ways such that you are engaged in fulfilling your goal in your personal growth, job, love life, anything.  You can get very creative here.  This is setting the path and environment that will lead to your change.

Effortless Change

April 13th, 2011

We will further explore the challenges we confront when we attempt to change ourselves and discover the key to effortless change.

 

Imagine trying to change your internal reality and your external reality at the same time. By inner reality, I mean you’re head reality, how you felt, what you thought, and by external reality I mean your circumstances, your environment, the situation you’re in. Imagine trying to change both because somehow you knew that they were both false, or at least that your head reality was false, and that your external reality had been largely created or influenced by your head reality.

 

effortless change and personal growth So it wasn’t so much just trying to change your thought about something, but rather your thought had actually manifested in your environment so that the change you now wanted to create was much steeper. A good analogy would be, imagine feeling totally isolated, totally alone, and very separate (internal reality), and then at the same time living in an abandoned part of town, off the suburb of some very small city, rarely speaking to anyone.

The reason this is so much more difficult to change is not just because it’s twice as much to change, but once it’s gotten into your external environment, there is an enormous amount of evidence for the mind version, the isolated alone abandoned feeling, and it becomes much much harder to change the mind, and hence change the environment back. 

 

The way to deal with this is to go right to the center of your inner reality, the center of all your thoughts, to your first thought that holds all the others together.  It is “I”.  If that thought is transcended then not only are all of the issues of him or her transcended, but the very person who had them is gone.  You are left.

 

If you want to transcend the “I” sense, then inevitably you are going to have to confront major self doubt. If you don’t go for transcending that “I” sense then you can numb yourself to the self doubt to a certain degree. But, if you do go for transcending the “I” sense, commonly called Realization or Personal Growth, then inevitably you will have to confront the self doubt associated with that “I” sense. You’ll have to confront that portion of the blueprint of your mind.  It really is the center of the blueprint.

 

Effortless change simply comes from moving through the center of the blueprint, which is the “I” sense.  If you realize you are not that, you will merge with everything, and all desired changes are accomplished effortlessly.  Things are just right.

The Pace of Change

April 6th, 2011

Have you ever been frustrated by the rate at which you, yourself, change? Perhaps you’ve wanted yourself to be some way and it just isn’t happening according to your timetable. Or maybe the person you are married to, or in relationship with, isn’t changing at the speed you’d like.

 

Often we know things about ourselves that would be great to change, and yet it can happen very slowly. Sometimes it happens very quickly, but that is rare.

pace-of-change There are two things you must take into account:      

 

1) It took a long time to get this way and you are a very, very, very complex system, most of which is functioning outside of your conscious awareness.

2) The very effort to change reinforces the sense of ‘I’, as in “I want to change”.  This “I” is your ego and it is what is causes most suffering in the first place.  So it is like saying “I don’t want to be I”.  (This is a big topic fleshed out in other blogs and live teachings).

 

Real change happens when you see through this “I” and have patience with the complexity and momentum of yourself and your life.   It is the opposite of “taking heaven by storm” (i.e. you can’t force yourself to change).

 

Personal growth from this perspective is immediate in the sense of you are no longer that ‘ego I’ trying to change.  It is also gradual in that all the momentum and complexity of patterns, beliefs and so on, which make up a human being, will take time to unwind. Knowing this about yourself is invaluable, and knowing this about your partner can solve many relationship problems.

How to have an Eternal Date radio interview

April 5th, 2011
Radio Hear Erwan and Alicia’s radio interview titled “How to have an Eternal Date”

How to have an Eternal Date

March 29th, 2011

An Eternal Date is a romantic relationship that keeps reaching higher peaks in love and sex. Sometimes we call it a “Peaking” relationship. Here are 10 keys to having an enternal date. If you are looking to start a new relationship, you can practice many of these and they will attract a soulmate.

 

Having an eternal date

  1. Have lots of vacations
  2. Be so honest they can’t help but love you
  3. Take care of each other emotionally
  4. Research and study sex enthusiastically
  5. Take your partner on dates
  6. Flirt unabashedly
  7. Make lots of time available
  8. Develop a rich spiritual life
  9. Get to know you and your partner’s romantic conditioning
  10. Realize it’s a lot more important than most of the rest of the stuff you’re doing!

The best thing you can do for all parts of your life

March 21st, 2011

The mass of concepts, beliefs and patterns through which people experience their lives (relationship, work, oneself… everything) dominates experience most of the time.

 

Spirituality as the key to personal growth When we start to see that mass of concepts, beliefs and patterns for what it really is, which is just active thoughts and unconscious thoughts, we begin to separate from it.  This can happen quickly or slowly and brings a tremendous sense of freedom, joy and peace. It is the key to personal growth.

 

This is a very difficult process for people, not because it is that complex to do, but rather because it is very confronting.  It is both painful and humbling to feel through the mind you have built up over time.  That is the process of Corework or meditation.

 

We say we would like to let it go but doing it is another matter.  That old mind carries a great deal of pain for each person.  And the notion of letting go of how you have known yourself to be is itself inherently challenging and feels unsafe.

 

The self you used to be doesn’t gain anything from it… but you do.

Your Sensual Expansion

March 15th, 2011

Your sensual potential is unlimited.

 

This is a section of the final write up from Aaron’s Sensuality Expansion Program.  “DOing” is the technique of creating a 15-minute orgasm (or longer) in a woman’s body.  I think these selected paragraphs will be useful and fun in your journey of sensual expansion.  Enjoy: 

 

Sensuality expansion program “Our first DO date exposed just the areas that we needed help with. Perfect! Erwan and Alicia were so loving they modeled the love and curiosity that is the cornerstone of enlightened living and sexing. My coaching from Erwan was “Be raw and DO her.” He further described this as being right where she is going as soon as she gets there, like leading her where she is already going. Graduating the Sensuality Expansion Program is going to require that I lead by paying attention, be raw, and cultivate the single minded focus needed to actually see the subtlety of a woman.”

 

This is a section of the final write up from Kelsey’s Sensuality Expansion Program

 

“New themes for each of us came up as the structure of DOing began to shed light on how each of our egos show up in moments of intimacy. For Aaron it was “leaning into the intensity of subtlety” and for me it was “Womaning Up!” Erwan pointed out to us that there was a point near the middle of our dates where we were having trouble maintaining our connection and that he was still having to get us over that hump. This is exactly what was happening when we were DOing on our own, and without their coaching, we were getting into arguments in the middle of dates.
What I got out of the Sensuality Expansion Program is a deep sensual connection to myself and to Aaron, as well as the knowledge and skills to access that depth of connection anytime—and I now understand how that access is the key to our relationship growing more and more pleasurable over time!”

 

Find their full writeups, and those of other graduates, here!

Three ways to deal with upset in relationship

March 9th, 2011

Relating with another person will occasionally involve upset, and this is a perfectly normal part of any relationship. But what’s the best way to handle yourself in these situations, to minimize the pain and damage that can be caused without causing more relationship problems? Here are three ways I’ve found of dealing with upset as it comes up.

Relationship problems involving upset The first is to know that if someone says something sharp to you, it is normal to feel hurt. Rather than striving for imperviousness in this kind of situation, have compassion and space for you to have the experience.

The second is to minimize “going to work” on the experience. It’s very easy to take the experience and use it to justify yourself, or defend yourself, or avoid intimacy or vulnerability. This is of course hard to do, and the key here is the first step I mentioned: have compassion for what you’re feeling, feel what you’re feeling fully, and the need to act on it or process it or use it will slowly drift away.

 

The third is, don’t take it personally. When somebody attacks you or says something offensive, it really has little to nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. This will help with the two steps above, and will help in understanding and having compassion for the other person, which will make it a lot easier for both of you to move beyond the sharp interaction.

 

This will help to clear your mind in the moment, and from a clear mind there are any number of options which can forward the situation, rather than reinforce the negative and defensive feelings which prompted the upset in the first place.

When to push, when to pull?

March 2nd, 2011

Push-pull is a method of seduction in which you pull someone in (e.g. start a conversation with someone or take the conversation a bit higher sensually) until just before the point that they realize they have had enough, then push them away (e.g. end the conversation or change to a less sexually charged topic) .

 

Push But, how do you know when someone has had enough before even they do? The key is your attention on them. If you’ve got your full attention on someone, you’ve got access to all kinds of incredible information. You can even know things about them that they may not be aware of themselves.

 

Here’s an example which I think most of us are familiar with, and one you can even try today. The next time you’re in a conversation with somebody, notice the point when you feel the conversation winding down, when you feel that it’s time to end the conversation. Sometimes this feels like a slight reduction in excitement, or a tinge of distraction. Sometimes this is when the conversation actually does wrap up, and sometimes the conversation continues. If it continues and you stay in the conversation too long, it stops feeling good, and may start to feel awkward or anxious. If you end the conversation, you and the other person are left feeling good.

 

The exact same feelings come up when relating with the opposite sex, whether asking someone on a date or having sex. If you have your full attention on the other person, and notice how the situation feels, you will know exactly when to take things one level higher, and exactly when to pause and bring things down a bit.

The February Pleasure Course

February 23rd, 2011

An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance during this February’s Pleasure Course!

February Pleasure Course

15 Minute Orgasm – Most important points

February 15th, 2011

After teaching singles and couples how to have 15-minute orgasm for the last nearly 20 years I can tell you there is nothing better you can add to a relationship to accelerate it, at least in the turn on department.  It’s the best relationship advice I could give you in the sex department.

 

A woman experiencing 15 minute orgasm In two of our advanced programs, the Oracle of life and love and the Oracle of sex, money and power, we have been having sensuality research pools over the last two weeks and Alicia and I have been blown away by people’s ability to give and receive pleasure.   

 

The technique is called DOing, standing for deliberate orgasm. 

 

One person plays the role of cause (the “Doer”) the other plays the role of effect (being done to or the “DOee”). Doing involves manual stimulation, usually between two people, but someone can do it to himself or herself as well

 

The most important point for the doer is having their full attention on the pleasure of the doee.  The most important point for the doee is surrendering to their doer.  This establishes connection.  Connection is key.

 

Communication is the next most important point.  Talk approvingly both ways!

 

The Doer should “peak” their partner regularly.  This means taking mini breaks while stroking your partner, from a tenth of a second to several seconds.  These breaks stop the cummer from spiking up really fast and going over a hard edge (traditional climax orgasm) and instead extend the sensation.

 

When the cummer reaches what we call the Orgasm line, where the body just hints at going into involuntary contractions, the most obvious sign of orgasm, back off and slow down.  This will keep you in a state of orgasm without crashing over a hard edge.  Also push your genitals out, keep them relaxed (vs. clenched) throughout but especially at this point.

 

The orgasm will be higher and more relaxed than you are used to… and of course of much longer duration.

 

There are about a million other points I could mention, but these are among the most important.  Realistically, to learn 15-minute orgasm requires training and practicing.  The Sensuality Expansion Program is where we do our highest level training with singles and couples, but our other advanced programs and vacation courses are a great place to start : )

Relationship advice on taking your love life to the next level

February 8th, 2011
Radio Hear Erwan and Alicia’s radio interview titled “Relationship advice on taking your love life to the next level”

Flirting in all Stages of Relationship

February 1st, 2011

I first started flirting, at least overtly, in junior high school.  And I, sort of, realized I wasn’t the one who started it!

 

Flirting is the give and take of sexual energy.   It is practiced overtly and covertly, but mostly covertly in a language that is like a code.  Like an energetic code.

 

flirting isn't just for new relationships or the first date When Alicia and I met and connected we had a tremendous energetic connection.  We were taking a seminar and doing exercises together in front of the group.  I can still remember and feel that moment.  

 

Today, that energy is far greater and deeper even than it was at that moment… and it is really due to expanding that energetic connection, that give and take that flirting is.

 

Flirting is actually something quite deep, that typically gets overlooked as time goes on in a relationship.  It get’s trivialized ultimately because of fear.  Fear of intimacy.

 

Flirting isn’t only for new relationships or the first date. Flirting is very deep intimacy.

Female Decoder Ring

January 25th, 2011

Men and women have a different style of communication. Women typically speak both their style and the male style because we live in a culture that mostly speaks the man-style. Men typically don’t speak both because women are willing to speak both styles. This can be a problem because when women aren’t heard or it isn’t clear what they want or what they are saying: the women aren’t super happy and neither are the guys.

 

A relationship problem: an angry woman and a man who doesn't understand There are two instances in particular in which it really helps to have a deeper perception than us men sometimes have. These are when a woman is being aggressive or she is being withdrawn. What does that mean, what could be going on that men might ordinarily misinterpret?

 

In short, a fight or flight response is occurring. Being aggressive or withdrawn is often interpreted by men, and women too, as simply being negative. Sometimes that is the case: all of us can sometimes get into a contracted or a non-open state. But that is not usually all that is going on, and sometimes that has nothing to do with it.

 

There are two reasons that a fight or flight response is happening. One thing that is often going on, and that is usually not seen, is that she is actually turned-on, and the turn-on comes out more as tension and aggression. Often men miss this cue and the potential for huge fun, and make it into something negative. Most of the time, releasing that stored sexual energy will release the tension, and will be very pleasurable for both people involved.

 

Reason two is that she has somehow been insulted. In today’s culture there is a lack of acknowledgement for the feminine, a discounting or discrediting of femininity. Not seeing a woman as woman-ness is a type of insult. This is something that women are just as likely to do as men, a kind of discounting of themselves and each other, rather than celebrating something that really is worthy of celebration.

 

These are two misinterpretations that occur all the time. When they’re decoded, it opens up potential for great sexual intimacy, closeness, and healing.

The Being of 15-minute Orgasm

January 18th, 2011

The essential element is to stay present.  If you are present extraordinary experiences unfold.

 

I was thinking of calling this entry “15-minute Orgasm – Not blowing out”.

 

A couple being with 15-minute orgasm In the Sensuality Expansion Program we just led, we worked with the DOer repeatedly on expanding his ability to stay present during the high peaks of female orgasm. 

 

To stay present do these things

1. Focus on the contact point

a. Doers on your finger on her clitoris

b. Cummers on your clitoris at the point of contact

2. Feel and express your sensation both ways

 

With her (in the Sensuality Expansion Program) we worked, not so much on staying present for high peaks, but staying continually present v.s. “on and off”.

 

The being of 15-minute orgasm is simply being present.

 

Intimacy is what arises at a much higher level than what we are used to.  This intimacy is usually resisted quite strongly and subtly.  One is likely to not even know one is resisting intimacy or not being present.

 

So it requires more of a heart willingness than an understanding.  The Being of 15-minute orgasm is Openness… openness to all things, intimacy being the most challenging.

 

The intimacy is physical so it can be much more pleasurable but also much more deep.

How to increase sex energy

January 11th, 2011

The number one thing you can do to increase sexual energy is to structure your life in a way that doesn’t stress you out. When human beings are stressed, the sex drive plummets. This is the biggest cause of loss of male and female libido.

 

A couple with increased sexual energy The second thing you can do is practice being in your body. Being in your head puts you in a very confined, mental space which tends not to be a juicy, sexual, embodied space. 

The third thing you can do is understand female extended orgasm and that women are the source of sexual energy. The ability to feel and notice and acknowledge turn-on in women (especially in yourself, if you are a woman) is critical to increasing sexual energy.

 

Finally, if you’re a man, another thing you can do is reduce the frequency of going over a hard edge and ejaculating (this applies to women as well, though not as much because bodily fluid isn’t expended). This can be a tough thing to do, for obvious reasons. Ejaculating consumes a tremendous amount of sexual energy.

 

For teenagers, I recommend once per week, for middle age, once per month, and for older age, once every few months. In order to be successful at this, you need to have your life structured so you can be relaxed (back to the first point above), otherwise the built up energy turns into tension. This is something I practice, and it makes all the difference in the world.

 

These techniques require intention and practice, and the rewards really are incredible!

Top 10 points of extended 15 minute female orgasm from a woman’s perspective

January 4th, 2011

1. Decide ahead of time to have a great time and enjoy yourself no matter what. Release your mind and the past (which is a spiritual practice).

2. Actively move your energy into his hands, your hips, genitals, legs, and feet vs your head.

3. Trust your doer completely – don’t try to control him, just feel where he is taking you.

 

A woman experiencing female orgasm and sexual pleasure

4. Be vocal – let the orgasm come through your vocal cords.

5. Focus your attention on the contact point between his finger and your clitoris.

6. Feel each stroke.

7. Push your genitals out gently.

8. Lean into the sensation – no matter what the sensations is you will experience extreme pleasure by leaning into it fully.

9. Spread your fingers and toes.

 

10.  It takes something to have extended orgasm – it takes ongoing training and it also takes giving yourself to sexual pleasure fully EACH TIME, no matter how much or how little training you have.

The biggest sexual hangups

December 28th, 2010

Whether in a relationship or not, everyone has relationship problems and hangups. Sexual hangups may seem uncommon because people don’t talk about them as much, but they’re common as well. These hangups can be small or they can be huge.

 

In over 17 years of studying and teaching this work, I’ve found that the biggest sexual hangup for women is feeling frigid, a lack of sexual apetite or interest. The biggest sexual hangups for men are having trouble keeping an erection or, almost the opposite, ejaculating early.

 

A sexual hangup is really negative sexual material in what I call one’s “blueprint”. Ones blueprint is one’s ego. It is the identification system a person is looking though when relating with people and the world. This blueprint is made up of memories of oneself in relation to another, associated with an emotion (for example a small guilty self in fear of a punishing father).  It is these memories and emotions which can pull you out of your body and interfere with any sex act.

A man and woman having relationship problems and sex problems

  

Fundamentally, the best way I’ve found to deal with these memories and emotions is to feel them fully as they come up. This can be particularly difficult to do when they come up during sex! But doing this will open you up to the unlimited pleasure and love available to all of us.

Flirting with enlightenment

December 21st, 2010

Flirting is worth bringing into long standing relationships as well as new relationships and the exciting process of meeting potential partners.  Why leave the romance behind, right?

Enlightenment… we could spend days discussing what that is.  Here’s a useful definition: knowing and feeling your inherent perfection and the perfection of all that is.  This doesn’t mean there aren’t pleasure and pain, good stuff and bad stuff, and so on.  A man and woman flirting with enlightenment

Flirting with enlightenment can mean two things: 1) considering that perhaps everything is right the way it is… or 2) flirting with a sense of rightness about yourself and the other.

 

My point about enlightenment is maybe it’s time for you to just love yourself, others and life exactly as they are and exactly as they are not.  Of course, you still grow, things change, you learn and so on, but the endless waiting for things to be OK is over.  You can start having fun now!

 

My point about flirting is that if you are right with the way things are, really in agreement with them, you are a way better flirt.  Whether you are dating, falling in love, married or any other state of relationship, your love life simply works better.

 

There is something beyond endlessly trying to get there.  Why not start from good?  It is a pretty enlightened thing to do… especially romantically.

How to have a 15 minute orgasm

December 12th, 2010

1. Start touching yourself the way you normally would to get yourself going.

2. Then take frequent mini breaks in your stroking, like half a second every few strokes.  This is like taking your foot off of the accelerator.

3. Before going over the edge, relax your body and push your genitals out (instead of the usual tendency to clench).  This will further decelerate you from crashing over a hard edge.

4. Experiment with the above and you will find that your body will be able to hold all the signs of male and female orgasm for an extended period.  Involuntary contractions of the genital muscles and a sense of release are the most important.

 

You can extend it beyond 15 minutes if you like.  When you involve someone else it is called “D.O.ing” for deliberate orgasm.  

One important addition to the four steps above is your headspace: focus on the pleasure you are feeling, not where you are going.  Pleasure orientation vs. goal orientation is the most important part.

A man and woman exploring female orgasm

 

I have been teaching extended orgasm for 17 years in the Pleasure Course and my advanced programs. 

 

Some learn it quickly; some take longer.

 

There is no better addition to one’s sex life, whether you are single, dating, in a new relationship or married.

What a woman wants

December 7th, 2010

Mostly attention.   Doesn’t matter whether it is Lady Gaga or your mom. 

 

Lack of attention toward a woman is a relationship killer straight off, and the source of many relationship problems.  Even for people who stay “in relationship,” if there isn’t the attention on what she wants, there isn’t much of a relationship.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s a new relationship, the couple is married, or you’re just dating.

 

Of course, the list goes on.  But if that first one is present the rest tend to follow: love, approval, great sex, baubles…  

 

Sometimes people hear me talk about this at a Live Event or at The Pleasure Course and assume that I mean some kind of subservient catering from the guy.  That’s the last thing women want.  Women like to be “at effect” (as opposed to “cause”) so they like guys that are willing to be strong, to be “cause”.

what women want, a compass for your love life

 

They would just prefer it if his attention was on her, feeling and understanding what she wants.

 

This was a recurring theme in the December 3rd Pleasure Course, which we’ll be completing at the December 8th Live Event: How long are you going to wait for the romance you have always wanted!”

His and hers relationship hang-ups

November 30th, 2010

One of the most common questions that people ask me, whether they are married, boyfriend/girlfriend or dating is some version of how do I get my partner to either approve of me more or pay more attention to me.  With men it is typically, “How do I get her to approve of me more?”  With women it is typically, “How do I get him to pay more attention to me?”

 

Men’s biggest relationship hang-up is not paying attention.  This infuriates women and he pays, although he often doesn’t know what he is paying for!

 

Women’s biggest relationship hang-up is not being authentically approving when asking for what the want.  The result is guys don’t listen and stay dumb (if you’ll excuse me for being so blunt).

relationship problem steming from lack of attention and approval

 

You may start to see that a vicious circle has formed.  The more she disapproves the less attention he pays and the less attention he pays the more disapproving she is.  This is the unfortunate circumstance of many relationships.  Hence why we sometimes say when teaching the Pleasure Course, “Guys are dumb and women are mean.”

 

The good news is that if either partner is willing to acknowledge their hang-up and give it up, slowly but surely the relationship will correct.  It doesn’t happen overnight but it does happen.  When a he starts paying more attention she get’s a lot more approving.  When she starts getting more approving (while not compromising what she wants, I should add) he starts paying more attention.

 

This is some of the best relationship advice I could give you.  You may find love you didn’t know you had in your current love life.  Oh and it is dating advice too!

 

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To have a great Thanksgiving…

November 24th, 2010

 

1. Set an intention (for example: to love the people I am with more than I ever have.)

 

2. Take 5 minutes and make a list of the things that you are grateful for.

 
3. Bring something to the party!

Thanksgiving with the family

3 ways to love your job

November 16th, 2010

Let’s face it, most people don’t love their jobs.  Enjoying your work is critical to being happy because, like most people, you probably spend half or even most of your day working.  You may wonder what you can do about it.  You may feel resigned about it.  And… you may love your job and simply want to know how you could love it even more.  Here’s how:

 

1. Do what you love for work.  For some people this may mean taking a radical step and switching careers.  For others it doesn’t.  But, thinking this radically may be necessary because we spend so much time working. 

2. Bring what you love to work.  For example, if you are a big people person but work in front of computer, you can emphasize the aspects of the job that involve working with others, or if you’re really into yoga you can focus on things like your posture and your breathing as you are working (Yoga is an elaborate discipline, aspects of which can be brought to any activity.)

Personal growth is bringing what you love to work

 

Maybe you can bring your cat to work (if that would light you up), or play the music you like (which can really change your mood at work). You get the idea; bring the things, qualities and activities that you love into your job no matter what it is.  This has limitless potential, but requires creativity.

 

3. Spiritualize your work.  This rarely occurs to people, but is actually the most important.  Let’s stay with the Yoga theme.  Yoga, although usually looked at as a form of exercise, is actually a spiritual discipline involving concentration and meditation.  Concentrating and focusing on what you are doing is a spiritual activity.   Meditating doesn’t need to mean sitting in lotus position with your eyes closed focusing on your inner self.  Many forms of meditation are done while engaged in an activity.  That activity could be anything, even what you do for work!

 

When I lived in a Zen monastery we did meditate while sitting, but we also meditated while plowing the fields, while cooking and even while relating to each other.  It changes the quality of the experience totally.  You even get better at whatever you are doing because you are more focused.  For this purpose, I will summarize meditation as ‘focus on your awareness’.  No matter where you are at about your work this will add to your experience of joy while working.

 

We start each Oracle of Life and Love session that I teach with meditation.  And in the Oracle of Sex, Money and Power we add in this “Career lens” of loving your job.  Having a structure of support for these critical activities makes all the difference.

 

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Your relationship personality type?

November 9th, 2010

We had an amazing live event last Wednesday where 50 people discovered their relationship personality type and it’s assets and liabilities.  It was a blast!

 

What’s yours?

 

Basically there are 3 or 5 types depending on how you slice it up.  This is based on nearly twenty years of giving relationship advice and supporting people in their love lives and I can tell  

you, although we are all unique, there are definitely general orientations that people fall into. These orientations depend on your preferred ways of responding to pain and difficulty when dealing with relationship problems.  As you know, we each have a relationship blueprint, a set of information we use to navigate relationships buried deep in our unconscious.  That blueprint instructs us to deal the pains of intimacy by avoiding them, challenging the other or surrendering.  These are the three basic types: the Avoider, the Softy and the Meany. The multiple personality types for romantic relationship

 

There are two other types which are really versions of the prior types but they show up often enough that we consider them types of their own.  One is the troublemaker, basically a Meany who is also an avoider.  It’s the rebel or black sheep type, on their own stirring things up.  And lastly, the Clueless, who comes in two varieties: the naïve and the arrogant.  Both don’t know much about relationship (i.e. they’re clueless, but the arrogant type thinks they know a ton.)

 

From these brief descriptions you probably have a sense for your primary type.  We all use all three (or 5 if you like) types, so having a combination is OK, but make sure you know your primary type.  It’s really helpful in relationship to know it. 

 

Then you can correct course!  Meanys should be nice!  Avoiders do well to show up; Softys benefit by asserting themselves; Troublemakers do well supporting something or someone; and the Clueless should learn!

 

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The unending source of happiness at your fingertips

November 2nd, 2010

Last night I figured I would watch a video so through Netflix I picked an old Japanese movie Oneida. Liking old Japanese movies and not knowing Japanese I just launched into it not knowing what it was about.  Turns out it was about two Japanese women killing a lost Samurai to sell their gear to buy rice.  The title meant Demon Woman.  Watching this movie right before bed really did a job on my sleep.

 

The next morning I went out for tea and at the table next to me two men and two women were talking loudly, “Let me tell you the worst of it… her husband was diagnosed with cancer and two weeks later her cat dies…” and something else I can’t remember, but equally painful.  Of course, difficult things happen to people, but I couldn’t help but notice how they were drooling over the conversation topic like a tasty morsel saved up to share. 

 

Then I figured I would read the paper… and I don’t need to tell you it wasn’t a summary of all the good news from around the globe but exactly the opposite.  As if they scoured the planet to find the worst things they could write about.  Oh yeah, they did!

a sunset draws the soul inward, revealing true happiness

 

For better or worse, this is the world that surrounds most of us.  It is the culture we live in.  And it has only gotten more pain oriented over the last half century.  Look at TV programming or movie titles for clear proof.

 

Fortunately, I practice Yoga, not just as a physical discipline but a spiritual one as well.  An aspect of the Yogic path is called “Pratyahara”, which means turning the senses inward.  My yoga teacher, Menuso, is a disciple of Iyengar, who was a disciple of Krishnacharya.  Krishnacharya practiced Pratyahara intensely in early 19th century India.  He walked around eyes cast down, didn’t listen to music, and so on, so as not to be distracted.  And this was a nearly a decade ago when the distractions were far fewer, especially in rural India.

 

But what was he avoiding distraction from? 

 

In short, the unending source of happiness, Being itself, as experienced in the human soul.  The good news is that there is not an ounce less of that unending source of happiness today than there was back then.  It is something we tap into all the time.  The clichéd example is how we feel when we see a beautiful sunset.  Maybe the sunset is just a moment of undistracted calmness when we to turn our attention to the vastness and openness of life, a beautiful sight that encourages us to look within although our eyes gaze outward.

 

Perhaps the unending source of happiness is at your fingertips all the time.

 

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What women and men each fear most

October 26th, 2010

Women fear being unattractive more than anything.

 

Men’s greatest fear is failure.

 

Men have their sense of self worth invested heavily in their success.  That success could be financial, sexual, spiritual or any other area of life.  Men view things in terms of success.  It’s like a filter through which they perceive life.

A woman’s sense of self-esteem is far more dependent on her attractiveness.  Women experience life far more relationally.  Their ability to attract the kind of relationships, especially romantic, that they want is crucial to their sense of self worth. Nowadays, these aren’t politically correct things to say.  We could also debate why this is so.  Is it biological, cultural or some other reason… or some combination?  Regardless of why or whether it is O.K. to say in today’s cultural climate, after almost two decades of supporting men and women in having exceptionally intimate and turned on relationships, I have found these to be the greatest fears that each sex has. a woman with a marraige problem: should she say yes, or no, or maybe?

 If you think about it, these are very useful things to know about when relating to the opposite sex… whether it is your first date, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, or the person serving you your coffee in the morning.  Knowing someone’s greatest fear can give you a lot of insight into how to make them feel good and like you more. 

 

Alicia makes me feel like a winner and I make sure she knows how beautiful and attractive she is.  It’s one of the secrets to the success of our marriage.

 

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When to take a relationship to the next level

October 18th, 2010

Relationships have a natural path through stages.  In the Pleasure Course we focus on those stages in detail, but for now let’s just use their titles: the new and exciting stage, the best friends and lovers stage and the eternal date stage.

 

a woman with a marraige problem: should she say yes, or no, or maybe? People run into difficulty because they may be more comfortable at one stage and not another, or they may have skills in one stage and not another.  We have found this difficulty to be the case for most people.  You may have a tendency to try to rush ahead, say to the eternal date (a committed relationship), or a tendency to stay behind, say eternally dating (and never getting serious). The most common scenario that we have found over the last 17 years of teaching people to have successful romantic relationships is that of a woman wanting to rush ahead in the relationship, prematurely pushing toward commitment, and a man wanting to keep it in the dating stage, often way beyond when moving forward would create more depth and quality of romance.  This was the scenario that Alicia and I had to move through.

  

This is only the most common scenario. The roles can be reversed, the middle stage of relationship can come into play, and so on.  The possible permutations are infinite.  The point is that our individual relationship blueprints (our personal psychologies) can distort a natural progression through the stages at the appropriate time for maximum pleasure and romance.

 

How do you know when to take a relationship to the next level?  You have to get out of your head and simply be present to the relationship.  There will be a feeling, a sense that you can tap into, as to whether the relationship is due to upgrade.  If you aren’t inhibiting it, it will happen naturally.  If you are rushing it, and you get out of your head and simply be present to the relationship, there will be a natural tendency to slow down.

 

This is one of the beauties of life.  Things flow naturally if we get out the way.  That is a tall order, I must admit.  It really is a spiritual process that we have covered and will cover in other topics.  But, for now, know that you have to be present to the relationship not your relationship blueprint.  Have your attention on the relationship, not on yourself!

 

Life also provides hints! Your friends (who have good relationships) are pushing you in one direction or the other.  Or, you’ve been dating this person for a really long time, say years… probably time to cut bait or move forward.  Or, you just started dating a few weeks ago and you are trying to push it forward… probably good to slow down. 

 

You get the idea!

 

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Avoid the most damaging romantic mistake

October 11th, 2010

The biggest mistake that people make in romantic relationship is bringing out the worst in their partner.  This applies to long standing relationships, the first date and everything in between.

 

A couple made the most damaging mistake they could. They have a relationship problem as a result. Relationships have tricky and often complex dynamics.  Sometimes what we perceive in someone else is actually what we are creating over there in them!  Projecting our fears and concerns onto the other person is how this all get’s started.

 

Let’s look at an example.  Let’s say you are afraid that your partner will reject you or be mad at you about something, so you are defensive, maybe even hostile.  Then they are mad.  Maybe they don’t know what is going on, but they feel put off, so they are distant and in a sense reject you. 

 

This is the biggest relationship mistake that people make: they act in ways with their partners that bring out the worst in the other person.  Disapproving of your partner is guaranteed to do this!

 

This creates a vicious circle.  What we feared has become the case.  Seldom do we realize our part in creating it.

 

Avoid the most damaging relationship mistake.  Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt!