Posts Tagged ‘turn-on’

Flirting your way into bed

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

Flirting can be considered first and foremost of the relationship skills because it is what launches romantic relationship as well as being vital to sustaining the turn on.  Normally diminished and discounted, flirting is actually of profound importance to everyone’s love life.

 

We define flirting as projecting and receiving sexual energy.

 

Young couple flirting in bed For most situations a somewhat gradual approach (vs. grabbing the other person by the genitals!) is appropriate.  This usually starts with conversation (we’ll address touch in a few paragraphs).  A good flow for that conversation topic-wise is: soul, then relationship then sex.  This upgrades the conversation, in terms of turn on, while starting from a basis of connection, depth and truth.  

Now, if the person you are flirting with is a stranger you probably want to be bolder because this could be your one shot!  Whereas, if they are a friend, a more gradual approach is usually better since you have time and shifting gears on the relationship too rapidly could be jarring.  If you are already in a romantic relationship with the person, keep flirting with the person for God’s sake… especially if you are married!

 

Woman understand flirting better.  From their end it is really as simple as turning on and sending that energy towards a man, usually with the eyes first.  Overtly approving of the man is also key.  As the flirtation progresses she involves her body more and the dialogue and touch get spicier.  Woman typically understand this but for understandable reason’s have resistance to doing it (see the series of blogs on a woman’s appetite for more on why women hold back.)

 

Men typically don’t really understand flirting because they don’t understand what it is like to be in a woman’s shoes.  Men have their foot on the gas (typically) and women have their feet on the gas and the break!

 

The way for a man to overcome her resistance is fundamentally to put his attention on her.  Then decide that she is worth pursuing (an often overlooked step). Then keep giving her what she wants in the form of making pleasurable offers and sending her in the direction of her response.  We call this push-pull, it is the essence of flirting and seduction from a man’s point of view. 

 

For example, the man can offer to take her someplace he knows she is interested in going.  If she says yes then drive her their in a limo!  If she says no, then not only withdraw the offer, but talk about something way less fun (or simply remove himself… for a while).  He then reintroduces the offer or an improved variation.  This back and forth creates more of a ride for a woman and overcomes her resistance more quickly, as long as the offers are based on her real appetite.  If he is paying attention to her, his agenda will be her agenda (that line alone is worth a whole blog!)

 

When she is moving toward him (emotionally, physically, etc.) he moves closer to her slightly more quickly.  When she is moving away from him he moves away at a slightly quicker pace, which gives him “permission” and confidence to switch to pulling her.  Also quitting her first (ending the interaction) makes it easier for him to resume contact at will.  

 

A menu of offers is good.  They are a good way to stimulate appetite in the woman and bring fun suggestions into play.  The suggestions should be based on her appetite, revealed or not.

 

The bottom line is paying attention to her.  When this is mastered “push/pull” ceases to be technique and becomes the natural way of relating to a woman.

 

Breaking the touch barrier is a place where push-pull can be used by either sex.  The idea is to gently and subtly get your partner used to being touched by and touching you.  You introduce touch (each touch is a sort of offer) based either on cues from your partner or at random if you aren’t sure about your partners cues. 

 

Start with a mellow touch (say the arm), remove that touch, and then reintroduce the touch, gradually upgrading the intensity and sensuality of the touch.  This back and forth keeps escalating sensual contact.  Make sure to back off before your partner makes sure you back off.  If they do tell you to slow down, then slow down more than they wanted you to.  That way you’ll have more confidence when you reintroduce sensual touch.

 

Although both sexes can use push-pull in flirting touch, women generally prefer it if the man leads (just like ballroom dancing).

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Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 4 Comments »

Extended Orgasm Step by Step

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

We have gotten such good reports from participants in the Oracle of Life & Love,
and Romance Coaching, on your practice of DOing and Extended Orgasm that we
are going summarize a basic pattern that you can follow in your learning practice.
Although this is a basic pattern, the skills for some of the steps were/are covered in
the Pleasure Course or one of our advanced programs. The skills are actually quite
advanced; the pattern will help you put it all together.

 

These are basics, and like “standards” in music, they feel/sound great. Like the Sensuality Exercises, they are ways to guarantee that you have a good time and that your sensual research progresses. At times, and more and more so over the years,
you will alter these basics, but don’t take them for granted. Even the most complex Jazz is based in scales and standard musical progressions. Try playing Jazz with out scales… some have tried; it’s interesting for about 5 minutes.

   

female in 15 minute orgasm Here are some basics on the path of extended orgasm, giving and receiving:
1. Set up the time and space to be attractive and relaxed (15 minutes + is recommended, music smell, etc.).
2. Take the roles of cause and effect; sit in that position.

 

Doer or Cause:
3. Always keep your attention on your partner’s pleasure, deriving your
pleasure from this.
4. Start with slow deep, more massage like, pressure on legs.
5. Do some deep touch to really connect with your partner.
(All of that can take between one minute and 5 minutes, standard.)
6. Position DO towel
7. Apply lubricant in one smooth stroke with left hand.
8. Put hands in the basic DOing position (DOing lefty if possible for men)
9. After establishing contact with your partner’s most sensitive spot (upper left
hand quadrant of the clitoris, or apex of a man’s sex) gradually move from
firmer strokes to lighter strokes.
10. For most people the stroke on a woman’s genitals should be lighter and
shorter that what they might be inclined to do.
11. Take your partner up and down by alternating gradually changing pressure.
12. Peak your partner with any kind of slight change or pause in your stroke.
13. Build a dome shaped orgasm.
14. Keep a sexy yet specific dialogue going with your partner.
15. Bring your partner down with firmer pressure.
16. Towel your partner off.

 

DOee or effect:
17. Keep your attention on your partner’s stroke.
18. Surrender to your DOer such that you are at effect (you can ask for changes
but do it from a surrendered, effect, approving place).
19. Push your genitals out in a consistent yet relaxed way.
20. Spread your toes.
21. Experiment with moving your toes and/or creating a few deliberate
contractions in your genitals if that helps get you into involuntary movement
in your toes and genitals.
22. Tell your partner what feels good.
23. Really let go into the ride.
24. Stay relaxed but alert (so you don’t zone out or blow out from the height of
feeling).
25. Afterwards, share your favorite frames with your DOer and express how
gratified you are, leaving your DOer feeling like a winner.

 

Now, those are the basics of what to do, but the most important part, no matter
what role you are in, is your intention and willingness to have a good time.

 

Also, don’t focus on a goal of orgasm. If you do what is described above, the person
at effect will reach a level of sensation where the body goes into extended orgasm
with all of the involuntary movements and sense of release.

 

There you have it. Enjoy!

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Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Sex | 3 Comments »

Female Decoder Ring

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Men and women have a different style of communication. Women typically speak both their style and the male style because we live in a culture that mostly speaks the man-style. Men typically don’t speak both because women are willing to speak both styles. This can be a problem because when women aren’t heard or it isn’t clear what they want or what they are saying: the women aren’t super happy and neither are the guys.

 

A relationship problem: an angry woman and a man who doesn't understand There are two instances in particular in which it really helps to have a deeper perception than us men sometimes have. These are when a woman is being aggressive or she is being withdrawn. What does that mean, what could be going on that men might ordinarily misinterpret?

 

In short, a fight or flight response is occurring. Being aggressive or withdrawn is often interpreted by men, and women too, as simply being negative. Sometimes that is the case: all of us can sometimes get into a contracted or a non-open state. But that is not usually all that is going on, and sometimes that has nothing to do with it.

 

There are two reasons that a fight or flight response is happening. One thing that is often going on, and that is usually not seen, is that she is actually turned-on, and the turn-on comes out more as tension and aggression. Often men miss this cue and the potential for huge fun, and make it into something negative. Most of the time, releasing that stored sexual energy will release the tension, and will be very pleasurable for both people involved.

 

Reason two is that she has somehow been insulted. In today’s culture there is a lack of acknowledgement for the feminine, a discounting or discrediting of femininity. Not seeing a woman as woman-ness is a type of insult. This is something that women are just as likely to do as men, a kind of discounting of themselves and each other, rather than celebrating something that really is worthy of celebration.

 

These are two misinterpretations that occur all the time. When they’re decoded, it opens up potential for great sexual intimacy, closeness, and healing.

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Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 3 Comments »

How to increase sex energy

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

The number one thing you can do to increase sexual energy is to structure your life in a way that doesn’t stress you out. When human beings are stressed, the sex drive plummets. This is the biggest cause of loss of male and female libido.

 

A couple with increased sexual energy The second thing you can do is practice being in your body. Being in your head puts you in a very confined, mental space which tends not to be a juicy, sexual, embodied space. 

The third thing you can do is understand female extended orgasm and that women are the source of sexual energy. The ability to feel and notice and acknowledge turn-on in women (especially in yourself, if you are a woman) is critical to increasing sexual energy.

 

Finally, if you’re a man, another thing you can do is reduce the frequency of going over a hard edge and ejaculating (this applies to women as well, though not as much because bodily fluid isn’t expended). This can be a tough thing to do, for obvious reasons. Ejaculating consumes a tremendous amount of sexual energy.

 

For teenagers, I recommend once per week, for middle age, once per month, and for older age, once every few months. In order to be successful at this, you need to have your life structured so you can be relaxed (back to the first point above), otherwise the built up energy turns into tension. This is something I practice, and it makes all the difference in the world.

 

These techniques require intention and practice, and the rewards really are incredible!

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Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 3 Comments »

How to get more sex

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Alicia and I get asked thousands of questions about sex every year. The sex question people ask us the most is “How do I have more sex?” The question is usually not asked that straightforwardly, but that usually is the question that is actually being asked.

 

The answer to this question is very different from a woman’s point of view than from a man’s point of view. From a woman’s point of view, the key is turn-on. Women have a very natural ability to be turned-on, sensual, and attractive. Learning how to access, cultivate, and use the female libido is key. There are many reasons a woman might avoid being turned-on: it can be risky, it’s vulnerable, and it’s certainly sensational, but the truth of the matter is turn-on really is the way to get more sex.  

 

The best way to go about developing your turn on  as  a  woman  is  by  acknowledging  and

 A turned-on woman wondering how to have more sex

feeling it in your body. You can play with the clothing you wear, practice DOing yourself, read books, etc. The key is really being intentional about approving of whatever level of turn-on you have, because at any given moment there really is some level of turn-on going on in your body.

 

From a man’s point of view, there are two keys: being fun, and finding out what she wants. If he’s being fun and finding out what she wants, it will gradually go towards what human beings are wired up biologically to want, which is really ecstatic sexual pleasure and romantic love. Being fun really means being light, being playful, flirting. It’s really having the focus on having a good time. There’s a certain amount of this that is being in charge, being strong, being fun in the masculine way that women are really drawn to and that will turn her on, and that’s balanced by finding out what she wants, by his attention being on her. To sum it up, he’s in charge of giving her what she wants.

 

In my own life growing up I was a bit of a wreck (for a variety of reasons that we will explore at a later point!) and I think women actually liked that because there was a lot of motion, a lot of action. I think that was fun for them. And in terms of paying attention and finding out what they wanted, I’m just blessed that I got some hints!

 

You many notice that these three skills are the skills of the “new and exciting” stage of romantic relationship. This is why a new relationship typically has so much juice and energy and sex. When people enter the middle game of relationship or marriage, they often leave these skills behind, and the sexual pleasure and frequency diminish.

 

Diminishing sex and sexual pleasure is one of the most common relationship problems we encounter. The way to get more sex is go right back to what you were doing on your first date: be turned-on, fun, and find out what she wants.

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Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 6 Comments »