Posts Tagged ‘Health’

Key qualities in character development

Tuesday, October 16th, 2012

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Depositphotos_2288924_originalThe first 2-3 years of life are so formative that the most fundamental and elementary ways that someone experiences and interacts with the world are set. Personality changes throughout life, but less and less so. How the child deals with separation from the mother and his or her own sense of self lays a foundation for all later development.

What qualities of being are required to move through the stages of development for the first 2-3 years of life? And what happens when some of these qualities are not fully present?

Basically, according to depth psychology the infant starts on a ‘merged with the mother state’ for the first 6 months or so. From there the baby begins a process of separating and individuating from the mother until 2-3 years old.

The merged state that the child starts with is like a childhood enlightenment. There is little sense of difference or separation. It has a blissful quality that is sometimes interrupted by physical and emotional needs. How these needs are dealt with sets an initial and immediate sense of how the world is basically or bodily. Safe, nourishing or not, at a very basic or bodily level.

The dominant quality and the quality required in this early stage is a type of blended merged love, where the mother’s psyche and body are shared with the infant. This makes entry into the world of conditions safe, gradual and generally pleasant.


If this merged love is not present or infrequently present or somehow dimmed then the baby will experience and begin to perceive the world in a less safe and positive way at the deep level of the body.


Next the child begins to differentiate themselves from the mother. The quality of strength is key here because he/she is separating themselves from the merged mother. Strength slowly begins to take over as the primary quality of experience, instead of the merged type of love. Ideally this is not strength in a contracted form, rather it is a bright uplifting yet relaxed feeling of capability.


If the merged state did not go well (needs were not met) then it is likely that ego has already taken on a more rigid and defensive structure. This naturally blocks out the natural feelings of goodness of reality because the child is more self focused toward a false self. It also sets the stage for the strength, which is needed to differentiate, to arise in an ‘egoic condition’. Additionally, trauma at this differentiation stage can cause the more rigid, being-blocking form of ego. Trauma at these early periods is particularly damaging for obvious reasons. Fundamental issues (around separation, survival, etc.) can centralize themselves in the blueprint for living which is being formed!


But let’s assume things go ideally in the merged state and differentiation happens ideally; the baby feels strong, able and happy. The next stage involves experiencing limitation, the limitations of his/her little body in the conditional world. If the mother, and to a lesser degree the father (most commonly) deals with the child’s attempt to remerge in a healthy supportive way, that both loves the child but encourages them to venture out strongly, then a quality of strength and ability will be added to a quality of merged safe love at the deep level of body.


If the attempt to remerge is not dealt with well the child will end up too merged with the parent or too separate and independent. If the parent clings to the child the child will stay more merged. If the parent rejects the child, then the child will be more separate. In either case the love quality of being or the strength quality of being is diminished to a type of enmeshment or separateness. In a typical “softy” or “meany” personality style.


Next the child individualizes and develops their own sense of individuality and personality. The primary quality here is individuality. This individuality is not based on egoic separateness ideally, but instead forms a unique personality that is fully connected to being. Any number of things can happen in this stage and cause the personality to become more contracted and further away from being. The contracted form of the individuality quality is something like the personality of ego (often called the false self).


Around four years old the child enters an Oedipal phase where each child develops a sense of their ‘boyness’ or ‘girlness’ and what this means. The child develops the ability to polarize love, and years later to romanticize love. This is furthered by the biological development. Freud was absolutely correct that a sexual self sense begins to form when a child realizes their gender and begins to integrate it into their personality. This sexual self sense, unless addressed, will underlie all romantic connections to follow. Of course, it will change and further events will influence one’s romantic ability, but one’s basic sense of one’s gender will underlie all of that.


Strength and love, as well as many other qualities become enhanced by these gender developments if they go well. Ideally the child has received the environmental support necessary to move through these stages while maintaining a connection to Being. In which case, one’s identity is in being, one’s individuality is an alive vibrant personality not a separateness, and one’s gender sense adds a thrill to life instead of some type of obsession or problem.

How to Sensualize Your Lifestyle

Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

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What can you do to sensualize your lifestyle? This is a question Alicia and I are always asking ourselves. We are always addressing our lifestyle.

Extreme close up of teeth biting strawberry. Usually people have their attention on ‘what they have’ rather than ‘how they are living’.  It is a lot easier to put attention on “what” rather than “how”.  For example, most people can give you a pretty good description of what they regularly eat but are stumped if you ask them how they eat.  How you eat (relaxed, in a nice environment, etc.) is actually just as important as what you eat.

We just got back from Mexico!  How we like to vacation is relaxed with lot’s of free time for extended orgasm D.O. dates, and that is just what we did.  Sometimes people come back from vacation more exhausted than they left because they had to see every ‘what’ they possibly could.

Sensualizing your lifestyle is paying attention to how you are living and making sure you are living pleasurably.  Sensual living is gratifying and enjoyable now.  It can look any number of ways.  You can have a partner or not.   Here are a few of our favorites:

1.    Have a D.O. date every day, with a partner or with yourself.

2.    Do that in the morning vs. pushing sex to end of the day when you are tired.

3.    Take relaxed vacations (vs. tourism) at least monthly, even if they are short and you don’t travel far.

4.    Cultivate friendships and community that forwards your sex life.

5.    Don’t miss opportunities!  Pleasureable opportunities abound… if you have an eye for them.

How about you?  What could you do to make your lifestyle more enjoyable and sensual?

Pleasure makes you healthier!

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

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Feeling good is critical to well being. Part of taking care of yourself is really feeling good, and pleasure is a very big part of that. It is more important than ever before to take loving care of yourself, to have pleasure, for both a woman and a man, as a regular part of your life, because it deeply nurtures and strengthens you. Given the challenges that we each are each facing, we need to take better care of ourselves now more than ever before.