Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

What it takes

Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

What does it really take to lean into life and reap the rewards of that?  How would you describe that quality?  Where is it from?

 

couple in love Alicia and I were blown away by how the participants of the September Pleasure Course totally leaned into their love and sex lives.  You could see people’s relationships expanding as if they were stretching their right in front of you. 

 

Each participant leaned into their life, bringing forth a quality of awakeness, of refreshing vital interest. 

  

It is so important to bring oneself forth this way in one’s life, especially your love life.
It can’t be work or you simply won’t keep doing it.  You are effortlessly uplifted. 

 

Opportunities are not missed.  Life is lived fully now.  You naturally go for it.

How to gratify a woman

Thursday, June 23rd, 2011

Last week we focused on a woman’s appetite. Now, what does it take to gratify that appetite. A good starting place is with the question “what does she want?”

 

Gratified Vic Baranco, the famous sensuality researcher, used to say women want sex, food and baubles, in that order. What he meant was that relationship (including sex) is the foremost desire of women and necessities are second and extras are third.  This is tremendously useful for men in realizing what women want and for women in having their desires as right.

 

Women also want a lot, but may order short, for safety reasons. In other words, hedge her bet.

The key to gratifying a woman is realizing what she wants, that she wants a lot, and giving her everything that she wants… or perhaps barely less in order to gratify her appetite but not satisfy her appetite.  It’s like leaving the dinner table before your stuffed; you’re looking forward to the next meal, yet you are gratified.

The best thing you can do for all parts of your life

Monday, March 21st, 2011

The mass of concepts, beliefs and patterns through which people experience their lives (relationship, work, oneself… everything) dominates experience most of the time.

 

Spirituality as the key to personal growth When we start to see that mass of concepts, beliefs and patterns for what it really is, which is just active thoughts and unconscious thoughts, we begin to separate from it.  This can happen quickly or slowly and brings a tremendous sense of freedom, joy and peace. It is the key to personal growth.

 

This is a very difficult process for people, not because it is that complex to do, but rather because it is very confronting.  It is both painful and humbling to feel through the mind you have built up over time.  That is the process of Corework or meditation.

 

We say we would like to let it go but doing it is another matter.  That old mind carries a great deal of pain for each person.  And the notion of letting go of how you have known yourself to be is itself inherently challenging and feels unsafe.

 

The self you used to be doesn’t gain anything from it… but you do.

To have a great Thanksgiving…

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

 

1. Set an intention (for example: to love the people I am with more than I ever have.)

 

2. Take 5 minutes and make a list of the things that you are grateful for.

 
3. Bring something to the party!

Thanksgiving with the family

3 ways to love your job

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Let’s face it, most people don’t love their jobs.  Enjoying your work is critical to being happy because, like most people, you probably spend half or even most of your day working.  You may wonder what you can do about it.  You may feel resigned about it.  And… you may love your job and simply want to know how you could love it even more.  Here’s how:

 

1. Do what you love for work.  For some people this may mean taking a radical step and switching careers.  For others it doesn’t.  But, thinking this radically may be necessary because we spend so much time working. 

2. Bring what you love to work.  For example, if you are a big people person but work in front of computer, you can emphasize the aspects of the job that involve working with others, or if you’re really into yoga you can focus on things like your posture and your breathing as you are working (Yoga is an elaborate discipline, aspects of which can be brought to any activity.)

Personal growth is bringing what you love to work

 

Maybe you can bring your cat to work (if that would light you up), or play the music you like (which can really change your mood at work). You get the idea; bring the things, qualities and activities that you love into your job no matter what it is.  This has limitless potential, but requires creativity.

 

3. Spiritualize your work.  This rarely occurs to people, but is actually the most important.  Let’s stay with the Yoga theme.  Yoga, although usually looked at as a form of exercise, is actually a spiritual discipline involving concentration and meditation.  Concentrating and focusing on what you are doing is a spiritual activity.   Meditating doesn’t need to mean sitting in lotus position with your eyes closed focusing on your inner self.  Many forms of meditation are done while engaged in an activity.  That activity could be anything, even what you do for work!

 

When I lived in a Zen monastery we did meditate while sitting, but we also meditated while plowing the fields, while cooking and even while relating to each other.  It changes the quality of the experience totally.  You even get better at whatever you are doing because you are more focused.  For this purpose, I will summarize meditation as ‘focus on your awareness’.  No matter where you are at about your work this will add to your experience of joy while working.

 

We start each Oracle of Life and Love session that I teach with meditation.  And in the Oracle of Sex, Money and Power we add in this “Career lens” of loving your job.  Having a structure of support for these critical activities makes all the difference.

 

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The unending source of happiness at your fingertips

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010

Last night I figured I would watch a video so through Netflix I picked an old Japanese movie Oneida. Liking old Japanese movies and not knowing Japanese I just launched into it not knowing what it was about.  Turns out it was about two Japanese women killing a lost Samurai to sell their gear to buy rice.  The title meant Demon Woman.  Watching this movie right before bed really did a job on my sleep.

 

The next morning I went out for tea and at the table next to me two men and two women were talking loudly, “Let me tell you the worst of it… her husband was diagnosed with cancer and two weeks later her cat dies…” and something else I can’t remember, but equally painful.  Of course, difficult things happen to people, but I couldn’t help but notice how they were drooling over the conversation topic like a tasty morsel saved up to share. 

 

Then I figured I would read the paper… and I don’t need to tell you it wasn’t a summary of all the good news from around the globe but exactly the opposite.  As if they scoured the planet to find the worst things they could write about.  Oh yeah, they did!

a sunset draws the soul inward, revealing true happiness

 

For better or worse, this is the world that surrounds most of us.  It is the culture we live in.  And it has only gotten more pain oriented over the last half century.  Look at TV programming or movie titles for clear proof.

 

Fortunately, I practice Yoga, not just as a physical discipline but a spiritual one as well.  An aspect of the Yogic path is called “Pratyahara”, which means turning the senses inward.  My yoga teacher, Menuso, is a disciple of Iyengar, who was a disciple of Krishnacharya.  Krishnacharya practiced Pratyahara intensely in early 19th century India.  He walked around eyes cast down, didn’t listen to music, and so on, so as not to be distracted.  And this was a nearly a decade ago when the distractions were far fewer, especially in rural India.

 

But what was he avoiding distraction from? 

 

In short, the unending source of happiness, Being itself, as experienced in the human soul.  The good news is that there is not an ounce less of that unending source of happiness today than there was back then.  It is something we tap into all the time.  The clichéd example is how we feel when we see a beautiful sunset.  Maybe the sunset is just a moment of undistracted calmness when we to turn our attention to the vastness and openness of life, a beautiful sight that encourages us to look within although our eyes gaze outward.

 

Perhaps the unending source of happiness is at your fingertips all the time.

 

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Don’t look down!

Monday, October 4th, 2010

The fastest way to end up completely, totally miserable is to feel bad about feeling bad.  Everyone feels bad sometimes, sometimes really bad.  That’s life.  Things happen, everything from stubbing your toe to someone dear to us dying.  But if you decide that it is bad that you are feeling bad you are on a slippery slope downwards. 

 

relationship advice: look up for a happy love life and healthy relationship Why?  Because now you have twice as much bad: you have the bad you originally felt about whatever happened and the bad about feeling bad.  Twice as much bad!  Which quickly turns into three times as much bad because you feel bad about all that bad!! 

You see how this goes.  Feeling bad can snowball very quickly.  

 

So in my teaching work, where we are dealing with the very sensitive matter of intimacy, spiritual life and people’s love lives, my relationship advice is, “Look up”.  Where you put your attention is where you will go… in fact, it is more than that; it is what you will become!

 

This doesn’t mean don’t feel bad if you do feel bad about something.  Of course, it is good to confront emotions, to feel them and feel through them, to clarify and release them.  We call that “Corework.”  That is very different than “tripping” about them, over processing them and feeling bad about them.

 

That is a dramatic hobby that I don’t recommend.  One I mastered in high school and college listening to Pink Floyd in my dorm room, lights out, candles lit and a relentless focus on what was wrong.  I can tell you it didn’t help my dating, social life or spiritual life.

 

Being diligent about having a positive attitude in life is very different than suppressing emotions with some sort of false positivism.  False positivism leads to numbness and feeling bad about feeling bad is a quick ticket to hell.

 

Don’t look down!  Confront what is, and tilt your gaze skywards.

Having fun as a way to a better love life

Sunday, July 4th, 2010

The launch party for Erwan Davon Teachings was the most fun I had ever had at a party. Everywhere you looked the most incredible people were having so much fun.

 

It was a party of enlightened people!

 

And they were all turned on!

 

The Pleasure Course that led up to the party was the best ever. I have to give the credit to the team and participants for playing full out, and really bringing their relationship lives to the next level. The Demonstration of extended 15 minute orgasm on Sunday was the height of the experience. I was so moved during it.

 

Again, I say thank you to the whole community around Erwan Davon Teachings for launching this new phase in style.

How to know if you are in the right relationship?

Tuesday, June 1st, 2010

We often wonder if we are in the “right” relationship.  Well… You are in the right relationship!… however it is, even if you don’t have one.  It is such a relief to know that.  Maybe things are exactly how they should be and maybe nothing is wrong.

 If you don’t like the relationship, then you can leave graciously, but that doesn’t mean anything is or was ever wrong with it.  At the same time very deep emotions about love, finding love, marriage and so on, surface when we accept our relationship life how it is and how it feels.  Now, you may leave your relationship at some point or you may not, but either way there does not need to be anything wrong with your relationship.   An inverted question mark

Whether you are on the first date, married, divorced, looking to date, or whatever, the best relationship advice I could give you is… enjoy it!

The importance of great sex

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

The discipline of psychology was formed on Freud’s two crucial insights: the importance of sex (that this was biologically the driving motivation of the being, called male or female libido) and the discovery of the unconscious (at least to the Western world). He stated that having orgasm is crucial for the gratification (happiness) and full functionality of every human being. People were so reactivated by this that Freud spent his whole life defending the simple insight that sex was a primal drive and crucially important to human happiness and functioning. He was so busy dealing with people’s resistance that he never even conceived of the logical next conclusion: that beyond normalcy is excellence. At Erwan Davon Teachings we take it from there… What happens to a person’s overall life happiness when having orgasm becomes having exteded orgasm? What happens when a human being masters having great sex?

First be happy then make love!

Monday, November 19th, 2007

How often are we depending on and expecting our love life to make us happy? Or anticipating that when we get into “that good relationship” we will be happy? Of course, romance and relationships can bring tremendous sexual pleasure and joy, but do they fundamentally make a person happy? If you talk to people about this, like Alicia and I do everyday in our coaching practice, you might find (and probably already know) that people associate as much, if not more, difficulty with their love life as they associate happiness with it. Even though we may admit this, people generally find themselves putting the burden of their happiness on their current love life (or anyTHING really… money, job, health, and so on). Or we find ourselves living in hope that a future romance (or anything) will bring us happiness. When we inquire into the true source of happiness… really an Unconditional Happiness… we can relieve our love life and relationship partners of carrying this burden which they can’t fulfill. When we locate this Unconditional Happiness through personal growth, we can actually bring it to our love life, making our romance, relationships and sex that much more joyous and pleasurable. We’ve all tasted this Unconditional Happiness, but we never found it in anyTHING… perhaps we found it in “things as it is,” as Suzuki Roshi used to say in his Zen broken paradoxical English.

Great Sex is a Spiritual Process!

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

How do you have pleasure now… fun now… happiness now… instead of waiting for it to turn out someday? The normal progressive and linear approach of seeking and searching for happiness doesn’t work… have you noticed? Happiness is always around the bend, somewhere in the future! What works is the actual realization of the state and condition of happiness. It is the realization of who you really are behind all the mental chatter. This type of personal growth is a spiritual process. This realization can then inform and guide your life, and this simple yet radical approach relieves you of the chronic and frustrating approach of endlessly trying to achieve happiness through producing results, whether in your career, relationships, sex life or any other aspect of your life. Paradoxically, living happily and pleasurably will naturally produce far greater results in all areas of life… including having a better sex life!