Posts Tagged ‘communication’

Flirting your way into bed

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

Flirting can be considered first and foremost of the relationship skills because it is what launches romantic relationship as well as being vital to sustaining the turn on.  Normally diminished and discounted, flirting is actually of profound importance to everyone’s love life.

 

We define flirting as projecting and receiving sexual energy.

 

Young couple flirting in bed For most situations a somewhat gradual approach (vs. grabbing the other person by the genitals!) is appropriate.  This usually starts with conversation (we’ll address touch in a few paragraphs).  A good flow for that conversation topic-wise is: soul, then relationship then sex.  This upgrades the conversation, in terms of turn on, while starting from a basis of connection, depth and truth.  

Now, if the person you are flirting with is a stranger you probably want to be bolder because this could be your one shot!  Whereas, if they are a friend, a more gradual approach is usually better since you have time and shifting gears on the relationship too rapidly could be jarring.  If you are already in a romantic relationship with the person, keep flirting with the person for God’s sake… especially if you are married!

 

Woman understand flirting better.  From their end it is really as simple as turning on and sending that energy towards a man, usually with the eyes first.  Overtly approving of the man is also key.  As the flirtation progresses she involves her body more and the dialogue and touch get spicier.  Woman typically understand this but for understandable reason’s have resistance to doing it (see the series of blogs on a woman’s appetite for more on why women hold back.)

 

Men typically don’t really understand flirting because they don’t understand what it is like to be in a woman’s shoes.  Men have their foot on the gas (typically) and women have their feet on the gas and the break!

 

The way for a man to overcome her resistance is fundamentally to put his attention on her.  Then decide that she is worth pursuing (an often overlooked step). Then keep giving her what she wants in the form of making pleasurable offers and sending her in the direction of her response.  We call this push-pull, it is the essence of flirting and seduction from a man’s point of view. 

 

For example, the man can offer to take her someplace he knows she is interested in going.  If she says yes then drive her their in a limo!  If she says no, then not only withdraw the offer, but talk about something way less fun (or simply remove himself… for a while).  He then reintroduces the offer or an improved variation.  This back and forth creates more of a ride for a woman and overcomes her resistance more quickly, as long as the offers are based on her real appetite.  If he is paying attention to her, his agenda will be her agenda (that line alone is worth a whole blog!)

 

When she is moving toward him (emotionally, physically, etc.) he moves closer to her slightly more quickly.  When she is moving away from him he moves away at a slightly quicker pace, which gives him “permission” and confidence to switch to pulling her.  Also quitting her first (ending the interaction) makes it easier for him to resume contact at will.  

 

A menu of offers is good.  They are a good way to stimulate appetite in the woman and bring fun suggestions into play.  The suggestions should be based on her appetite, revealed or not.

 

The bottom line is paying attention to her.  When this is mastered “push/pull” ceases to be technique and becomes the natural way of relating to a woman.

 

Breaking the touch barrier is a place where push-pull can be used by either sex.  The idea is to gently and subtly get your partner used to being touched by and touching you.  You introduce touch (each touch is a sort of offer) based either on cues from your partner or at random if you aren’t sure about your partners cues. 

 

Start with a mellow touch (say the arm), remove that touch, and then reintroduce the touch, gradually upgrading the intensity and sensuality of the touch.  This back and forth keeps escalating sensual contact.  Make sure to back off before your partner makes sure you back off.  If they do tell you to slow down, then slow down more than they wanted you to.  That way you’ll have more confidence when you reintroduce sensual touch.

 

Although both sexes can use push-pull in flirting touch, women generally prefer it if the man leads (just like ballroom dancing).

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Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 4 Comments »

What it takes

Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

What does it really take to lean into life and reap the rewards of that?  How would you describe that quality?  Where is it from?

 

couple in love Alicia and I were blown away by how the participants of the September Pleasure Course totally leaned into their love and sex lives.  You could see people’s relationships expanding as if they were stretching their right in front of you. 

 

Each participant leaned into their life, bringing forth a quality of awakeness, of refreshing vital interest. 

  

It is so important to bring oneself forth this way in one’s life, especially your love life.
It can’t be work or you simply won’t keep doing it.  You are effortlessly uplifted. 

 

Opportunities are not missed.  Life is lived fully now.  You naturally go for it.

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Posted in Being Happy, Personal Growth | 3 Comments »

The 3 essentials of Extended 15-minute Orgasm

Tuesday, August 16th, 2011

We’re taking a real turn here folks.  From contact and intimacy to extended orgasm.  We just completed the Sensuality Expansion Program and J & H were fantastic.  A theme of the program was the 3 essentials of Extended Orgasm. 

 

Here they are in order:

 

15 minute orgasm Connection

Being connected, in good contact, with your partner is critical.  Feeling the same thing at the same time is the gold standard here.

 

Going high

Going high means increased sensitivity on subtler and subtler levels of experience.  One’s potential for pleasure expands dramatically. “Peaking” is critical for this.

 

Signs of Orgasm

Involuntary contractions, flushing, engorgement and so on.

 

If you bring these 3 primary aspects of extended orgasm into play in the order given of importance you can quickly develop your orgasm and lengthen it.  10 to 15-minute orgasm is the standard for what we call Expert level orgasm and what it takes to graduate the Sensuality Expansion Program.  Congratulations to J and H!

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What a woman wants

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

Women want what they want.  This is obviously true, but often missed.  Sometimes a woman will even miss or not know what she, herself, wants.  What is even more often the case is that she knows what she wants but somehow doesn’t feel right or safe in expressing it.  Her appetite for what she wants, her desire, is withheld or concealed.   

 

what-a-woman-wants Feeling right about her appetite, at all levels, is the same as feeling right about herself.  This seems somehow selfish or at least extremely vulnerable, so she hides it. 

 

As she realizes her appetite, first by getting into agreement with it then by gratifying it, her femininity is expressed fully and perfectly. 

 

The result is infinitely greater pleasure for both sexes.

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Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 5 Comments »

What a relationship is

Monday, May 30th, 2011

Communication is synonymous with relationship.  What else is a relationship besides ongoing communication?

 

cards-on-the-table It is also synonymous with vulnerability. To communicate with someone is to open and expose yourself the them.     

 

It is also synonymous with truth.  For there to, in fact, be communication, truth must be present; otherwise it would be miscommunication. 

 

The opposite is unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding.

 

Unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding are not morally wrong.  They just simply don’t work to be more related to someone, closer to them… to have a better relationship with them.

 

What a relationship actually is… is communication.

 

Would you be willing to put your cards on the table today?

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Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »

15 Minute Orgasm – Most important points

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

After teaching singles and couples how to have 15-minute orgasm for the last nearly 20 years I can tell you there is nothing better you can add to a relationship to accelerate it, at least in the turn on department.  It’s the best relationship advice I could give you in the sex department.

 

A woman experiencing 15 minute orgasm In two of our advanced programs, the Oracle of life and love and the Oracle of sex, money and power, we have been having sensuality research pools over the last two weeks and Alicia and I have been blown away by people’s ability to give and receive pleasure.   

 

The technique is called DOing, standing for deliberate orgasm. 

 

One person plays the role of cause (the “Doer”) the other plays the role of effect (being done to or the “DOee”). Doing involves manual stimulation, usually between two people, but someone can do it to himself or herself as well

 

The most important point for the doer is having their full attention on the pleasure of the doee.  The most important point for the doee is surrendering to their doer.  This establishes connection.  Connection is key.

 

Communication is the next most important point.  Talk approvingly both ways!

 

The Doer should “peak” their partner regularly.  This means taking mini breaks while stroking your partner, from a tenth of a second to several seconds.  These breaks stop the cummer from spiking up really fast and going over a hard edge (traditional climax orgasm) and instead extend the sensation.

 

When the cummer reaches what we call the Orgasm line, where the body just hints at going into involuntary contractions, the most obvious sign of orgasm, back off and slow down.  This will keep you in a state of orgasm without crashing over a hard edge.  Also push your genitals out, keep them relaxed (vs. clenched) throughout but especially at this point.

 

The orgasm will be higher and more relaxed than you are used to… and of course of much longer duration.

 

There are about a million other points I could mention, but these are among the most important.  Realistically, to learn 15-minute orgasm requires training and practicing.  The Sensuality Expansion Program is where we do our highest level training with singles and couples, but our other advanced programs and vacation courses are a great place to start : )

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Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Sex | 9 Comments »

Female Decoder Ring

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Men and women have a different style of communication. Women typically speak both their style and the male style because we live in a culture that mostly speaks the man-style. Men typically don’t speak both because women are willing to speak both styles. This can be a problem because when women aren’t heard or it isn’t clear what they want or what they are saying: the women aren’t super happy and neither are the guys.

 

A relationship problem: an angry woman and a man who doesn't understand There are two instances in particular in which it really helps to have a deeper perception than us men sometimes have. These are when a woman is being aggressive or she is being withdrawn. What does that mean, what could be going on that men might ordinarily misinterpret?

 

In short, a fight or flight response is occurring. Being aggressive or withdrawn is often interpreted by men, and women too, as simply being negative. Sometimes that is the case: all of us can sometimes get into a contracted or a non-open state. But that is not usually all that is going on, and sometimes that has nothing to do with it.

 

There are two reasons that a fight or flight response is happening. One thing that is often going on, and that is usually not seen, is that she is actually turned-on, and the turn-on comes out more as tension and aggression. Often men miss this cue and the potential for huge fun, and make it into something negative. Most of the time, releasing that stored sexual energy will release the tension, and will be very pleasurable for both people involved.

 

Reason two is that she has somehow been insulted. In today’s culture there is a lack of acknowledgement for the feminine, a discounting or discrediting of femininity. Not seeing a woman as woman-ness is a type of insult. This is something that women are just as likely to do as men, a kind of discounting of themselves and each other, rather than celebrating something that really is worthy of celebration.

 

These are two misinterpretations that occur all the time. When they’re decoded, it opens up potential for great sexual intimacy, closeness, and healing.

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Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 3 Comments »

His and hers relationship hang-ups

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

One of the most common questions that people ask me, whether they are married, boyfriend/girlfriend or dating is some version of how do I get my partner to either approve of me more or pay more attention to me.  With men it is typically, “How do I get her to approve of me more?”  With women it is typically, “How do I get him to pay more attention to me?”

 

Men’s biggest relationship hang-up is not paying attention.  This infuriates women and he pays, although he often doesn’t know what he is paying for!

 

Women’s biggest relationship hang-up is not being authentically approving when asking for what the want.  The result is guys don’t listen and stay dumb (if you’ll excuse me for being so blunt).

 relationship problem steming from lack of attention and approval

 

You may start to see that a vicious circle has formed.  The more she disapproves the less attention he pays and the less attention he pays the more disapproving she is.  This is the unfortunate circumstance of many relationships.  Hence why we sometimes say when teaching the Pleasure Course, “Guys are dumb and women are mean.”

 

The good news is that if either partner is willing to acknowledge their hang-up and give it up, slowly but surely the relationship will correct.  It doesn’t happen overnight but it does happen.  When a he starts paying more attention she get’s a lot more approving.  When she starts getting more approving (while not compromising what she wants, I should add) he starts paying more attention.

 

This is some of the best relationship advice I could give you.  You may find love you didn’t know you had in your current love life.  Oh and it is dating advice too!

 

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Posted in How to relationship, Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »

How to work with deep emotions

Friday, September 17th, 2010

The way to work with deem emotions is first to allow them and really feel them, and then use skillful means with them, vs indulging them. The first point is the most important, and it really means confronting the emotion, allowing it to be, whatever it happens to be. The practice that we use here at Erwan Davon Teachings for this is the practice of core work. Core work is going deeply into your emotions, especially how they are expressed and felt in the body, sometimes using the breath and sometimes using a 5-step process. What we’ve noticed over the years with hundreds of people is that this process tends to lift and open emotions, particularly negative ones.

The point of this is to have space for these intense emotions. In today’s world we spend a lot of time running around, distracted by TV and the internet, etc. This can cause an emotional deficit or a sense of distance from oneself or the whole emotional dimension of life. Part of working with deep emotions is in the design of your lifestyle, making sure there’s some time for you to just be, time to feel. A couple having relationship problems due to sexual blind spots

 

That can look a lot of different ways, like sitting mediation, walking on the beach or to work, and it can even be sports if it allows you to focus on your inner experience. It’s really important to actually have some space in one’s life to be, so things can percolate up and let go.

 

The second part of working with deep emotions is to be skillful with them, not to indulge or repress them. There are many ways you could do this – for example, you could journal, or you could discuss your emotions with somebody. What’s important is not to not act it out. If you act out on a negative, patterned emotion you end up reinforcing it. This doesn’t mean we should ignore them, but rather to use a more meditative or spiritual approach to be with them, to deal with them, liberate them, and let them go.

 

With deep emotions, there’s no magic bullet. There’s only the feeling through process and the releasing of negative emotions, and the expression of healthy, positive emotions.

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Posted in Personal Growth | 13 Comments »

Getting connected during sex

Sunday, August 8th, 2010

One of the keys to getting connected when engaged in sensual contact is to begin the sex act connected. This is because you’re not likely to get more connected than you started. During a sex act, the act may become more sexual, it may deepen, things may open up, but because of the intensity of sex, if you’re disconnected from the person from the start, you’re likely to drift more into your own separate space amidst all of the emotions, thoughts, and body sensations that sex is.

 

Connection in sex Last Monday in the Oracle of Life and Love, someone asked how to be vulnerable. We told him that the bottom line is to take risks. This really is the path way to getting connected with someone. You get connected to someone by risking yourself, by being intimate with the person, and relative to sex, you want to start from this platform. Taking risks may look like telling the other person what feels good, asking for something, sharing how you’re feeling or asking the other person how they’re feeling.

 

For me personally, deepening my relationship with Alicia both sexually and non-sexually is often a process of feeling through a sense of withdrawal, a sense of separateness, which stems in part from being an only child. The risk for me really is not to withdraw, and instead to feel through the desire to separate and really reach out and be physical.

 

To wrap up, you can get connected by taking risks, by being open, and by being vulnerable with the other person. And in sex, get connected first. It could take five minutes to get connected, which could look like having a five minute conversation with the other person, or it may take only a second, just giving a little wink. Either way, if you start connected, sex can really be incredible.

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What to say during sex to have better sex!

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Before we talk about what to say, we should ask, why communicate during sex? There are really four reasons. First, talking about what you’re doing is a good way to keep your mind on what you’re doing. The biggest cause of decreased sexual appetite (whether male or female libido) is mental distraction.

 

Communication during sex increases sexual pleasure We all have a tendency to think about work, or the shopping list, or some errand we need to run. Talking really keeps you in the moment. The second reason is because talking adds to the amount of sensation and increases sexual pleasure. In the 17 years I’ve been doing this, when people communicate, they report that sensation increases for both the talker and listener. The third reason to talk is because talking promotes learning for

each person. You both get educated, and educate the other person about what feels good and what doesn’t. It really is a way to uncover men and women’s secrets, and is how to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Finally the fourth and probably most important reason is that talking is pleasurable. People often have difficulty with talking in the beginning, they say it takes them out of the moment or they get hung up on what to say, so it does take some learning, but it’s worth it for all of the previous reasons, and especially because it’s pleasurable to do.

 

There are three things you can talk about. The first is, talk about what you’re noticing, how things look or feel or smell. The second thing to talk about is how much you’re enjoying the experience. This really feels good for you and the other person, and juices the whole situation up. Finally, you can talk positively about the person or circumstance. You can talk about how well the other person is doing, how romantic the space is that was setup, that you’re glad you set aside the time to do this, etc.

 

I remember, before I started researching sensuality, women had always felt sort of distant to me, even while we were making love. Certainly there would be moments of connection, but there was generally a distance and mystery about the other person and what was going on, and it always put me in my head. Then, I remember a moment 20 years ago, I was touching a woman, and she said to me, “That’s the spot!” And I could actually feel on my finger how good that spot felt, and all of a sudden I realized that we were both feeling the same thing. In that moment I learned how the most sensitive spot on a woman’s clitoris feels. It really was her communication that allowed me to feel that and learn that.

 

I’ll wrap up by giving some specific things you could say:

  1. “Would you….?” (Would you go a little slower, would you lighten the pressure, would you move to the left, etc).
  2. “Thank you!” It’s important to complete the cycle of communication. If you ask for something, and the person responds, even if they didn’t get it totally right, complete the cycle, say thank you, and that way you can move cleanly on to the next communication.
  3. “That feels great!” Approval is very important. And don’t be afraid to use the same compliment over and over again. What’s important is that you authentically approve of what is going on.
  4. If you’re the DOer: “Your (clitoris, cock, skin, etc) feels (silky, engorged, etc)” A specific approval works very well. Detail can really be exquisite. You could also describe how something looks or smells, etc.
  5. If you’re the DOee: “Your (finger, hand…) feels (electric, like it’s pulling the pleasure out of me, etc)”

 

The bottom line really is, say things that make the other person feel good. Say things that are pleasurable. It really is that simple. And, you’ll notice that those are the things that have you feel good too.

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Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 3 Comments »

Six steps to handle the intense emotions that arise in relationship

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Relationship is the most common place intense emotions come up. The emotions are usually very sensitive, and can be the source of many relationship problems. Here is the best way I’ve found to handle them, broken into six steps:

 

An angry woman, an example of an intense emotion one can learn how to deal with in relationship The first way to handle intense emotions is to create space for that emotion. Basically this means, don’t ignore the emotion. There is a tendency to turn away from and avoid the intensity of feeling that comes up for us when we relate to another person. Now, this also doesn’t mean address it immediately and irresponsibly with the other person as soon as it comes up. Really it means simply allow the experience you are having. Don’t run away, don’t obsess, just let the emotion be. 

  

 The second thing to do is admit what you’re feeling. This doesn’t mean you need to do anything about the emotion, rather it simply means face that you are feeling that way, acknowledge that you are experiencing this emotion. 

 

The third thing to do is to express the emotion constructively and artistically. For example, if you feel angry and do a collage about your anger, it allows you to get your hands around the emotion, to see it and taste it. By simply doing something with your emotion that is not avoidant, the experience will start to lift and open.

 

The fourth thing to do is Corework. This is a type of mediation we teach in the Pleasure Course in which one goes to the core of what one is feeling, one confronts one’s experience. Opening with a spiritual practice liberates negative emotions, sooths and calms excited emotions, and enhances positive and turned on emotions. Just as the third step deals with the emotion artistically, this step deals with it spiritually.

 

These first four steps have been getting into the emotion, really feeling it. Now one is ready for the fifth step: communicate. This step is fifth because one really wants to spend a lot of time being with one’s emotion, feeling it thoroughly, THEN you want to communicate. When we instantly rush to communicate what we’re feeling usually we end up dumping or projecting, and we end up dealing with the trigger of the emotion rather than dealing with the emotion at its root. Embracing and feeling the emotion thoroughly before communicating really makes communication possible.

 

Finally the emotion can be released. This step actually isn’t something you do actively, it is something that happens naturally if the above steps are taken. If one feels the emotion fully, then shares and communicates, the feeling will release.

 

To bottom line it, the best relationship advice I have is: do not shy away from the intensity of emotion. Intense emotions will always come up, whether on your first date, in a new relationship or you have the most established and healthy relationship. Go into them, embrace them. Even though this is the opposite of what we usually think to do, you’ll find your experience lift and open.

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Posted in Being Happy, How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship | 4 Comments »

Do you talk about your sex life?

Monday, September 1st, 2008

Your love life is only as good as you can talk about it. Sex is a subset of communication (Vic Baranco said that). If someone can’t talk about their sex life in detail, they can’t really be with it. It is a myth that sexual experiences are indescribable. It is also a myth that talking about sex, before or during or after, somehow diminishes it. For the most part, people aren’t used to talking about it; so yes, early on, it is difficult and can slow things down. But, in the long run, talking about your sex life (before, during AND after!) adds tremendous enjoyment, intimacy and learning.

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