Flirting can be considered first and foremost of the relationship skills because it is what launches romantic relationship as well as being vital to sustaining the turn on.  Normally diminished and discounted, flirting is actually of profound importance to everyone’s love life.

We define flirting as projecting and receiving sexual energy.

For most situations a somewhat gradual approach (vs. grabbing the other person by the genitals!) is appropriate.  This usually starts with conversation (we’ll address touch in a few paragraphs).  A good flow for that conversation topic-wise is: soul, then relationship then sex.  This upgrades the conversation, in terms of turn on, while starting from a basis of connection, depth and truth.

Now, if the person you are flirting with is a stranger you probably want to be bolder because this could be your one shot!  Whereas, if they are a friend, a more gradual approach is usually better since you have time and shifting gears on the relationship too rapidly could be jarring.  If you are already in a romantic relationship with the person, keep flirting with the person for God’s sake… especially if you are married!

Woman understand flirting better.  From their end it is really as simple as turning on and sending that energy towards a man, usually with the eyes first.  Overtly approving of the man is also key.  As the flirtation progresses she involves her body more and the dialogue and touch get spicier.  Woman typically understand this but for understandable reason’s have resistance to doing it (see the series of blogs on a woman’s appetite for more on why women hold back.)

Men typically don’t really understand flirting because they don’t understand what it is like to be in a woman’s shoes.  Men have their foot on the gas (typically) and women have their feet on the gas and the break!

The way for a man to overcome her resistance is fundamentally to put his attention on her.  Then decide that she is worth pursuing (an often overlooked step). Then keep giving her what she wants in the form of making pleasurable offers and sending her in the direction of her response.  We call this push-pull, it is the essence of flirting and seduction from a man’s point of view. 

For example, the man can offer to take her someplace he knows she is interested in going.  If she says yes then drive her their in a limo!  If she says no, then not only withdraw the offer, but talk about something way less fun (or simply remove himself… for a while).  He then reintroduces the offer or an improved variation.  This back and forth creates more of a ride for a woman and overcomes her resistance more quickly, as long as the offers are based on her real appetite.  If he is paying attention to her, his agenda will be her agenda (that line alone is worth a whole blog!)

When she is moving toward him (emotionally, physically, etc.) he moves closer to her slightly more quickly.  When she is moving away from him he moves away at a slightly quicker pace, which gives him “permission” and confidence to switch to pulling her.  Also quitting her first (ending the interaction) makes it easier for him to resume contact at will.  

A menu of offers is good.  They are a good way to stimulate appetite in the woman and bring fun suggestions into play.  The suggestions should be based on her appetite, revealed or not.

The bottom line is paying attention to her.  When this is mastered “push/pull” ceases to be technique and becomes the natural way of relating to a woman.

Breaking the touch barrier is a place where push-pull can be used by either sex.  The idea is to gently and subtly get your partner used to being touched by and touching you.  You introduce touch (each touch is a sort of offer) based either on cues from your partner or at random if you aren’t sure about your partners cues. 

Start with a mellow touch (say the arm), remove that touch, and then reintroduce the touch, gradually upgrading the intensity and sensuality of the touch.  This back and forth keeps escalating sensual contact.  Make sure to back off before your partner makes sure you back off.  If they do tell you to slow down, then slow down more than they wanted you to.  That way you’ll have more confidence when you reintroduce sensual touch.

Although both sexes can use push-pull in flirting touch, women generally prefer it if the man leads (just like ballroom dancing).