Archive for the ‘Relationship’ Category
Wednesday, December 14th, 2011
Flirting can be considered first and foremost of the relationship skills because it is what launches romantic relationship as well as being vital to sustaining the turn on. Normally diminished and discounted, flirting is actually of profound importance to everyone’s love life.
We define flirting as projecting and receiving sexual energy.
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For most situations a somewhat gradual approach (vs. grabbing the other person by the genitals!) is appropriate. This usually starts with conversation (we’ll address touch in a few paragraphs). A good flow for that conversation topic-wise is: soul, then relationship then sex. This upgrades the conversation, in terms of turn on, while starting from a basis of connection, depth and truth.
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Now, if the person you are flirting with is a stranger you probably want to be bolder because this could be your one shot! Whereas, if they are a friend, a more gradual approach is usually better since you have time and shifting gears on the relationship too rapidly could be jarring. If you are already in a romantic relationship with the person, keep flirting with the person for God’s sake… especially if you are married!
Woman understand flirting better. From their end it is really as simple as turning on and sending that energy towards a man, usually with the eyes first. Overtly approving of the man is also key. As the flirtation progresses she involves her body more and the dialogue and touch get spicier. Woman typically understand this but for understandable reason’s have resistance to doing it (see the series of blogs on a woman’s appetite for more on why women hold back.)
Men typically don’t really understand flirting because they don’t understand what it is like to be in a woman’s shoes. Men have their foot on the gas (typically) and women have their feet on the gas and the break!
The way for a man to overcome her resistance is fundamentally to put his attention on her. Then decide that she is worth pursuing (an often overlooked step). Then keep giving her what she wants in the form of making pleasurable offers and sending her in the direction of her response. We call this push-pull, it is the essence of flirting and seduction from a man’s point of view.
For example, the man can offer to take her someplace he knows she is interested in going. If she says yes then drive her their in a limo! If she says no, then not only withdraw the offer, but talk about something way less fun (or simply remove himself… for a while). He then reintroduces the offer or an improved variation. This back and forth creates more of a ride for a woman and overcomes her resistance more quickly, as long as the offers are based on her real appetite. If he is paying attention to her, his agenda will be her agenda (that line alone is worth a whole blog!)
When she is moving toward him (emotionally, physically, etc.) he moves closer to her slightly more quickly. When she is moving away from him he moves away at a slightly quicker pace, which gives him “permission” and confidence to switch to pulling her. Also quitting her first (ending the interaction) makes it easier for him to resume contact at will.
A menu of offers is good. They are a good way to stimulate appetite in the woman and bring fun suggestions into play. The suggestions should be based on her appetite, revealed or not.
The bottom line is paying attention to her. When this is mastered “push/pull” ceases to be technique and becomes the natural way of relating to a woman.
Breaking the touch barrier is a place where push-pull can be used by either sex. The idea is to gently and subtly get your partner used to being touched by and touching you. You introduce touch (each touch is a sort of offer) based either on cues from your partner or at random if you aren’t sure about your partners cues.
Start with a mellow touch (say the arm), remove that touch, and then reintroduce the touch, gradually upgrading the intensity and sensuality of the touch. This back and forth keeps escalating sensual contact. Make sure to back off before your partner makes sure you back off. If they do tell you to slow down, then slow down more than they wanted you to. That way you’ll have more confidence when you reintroduce sensual touch.
Although both sexes can use push-pull in flirting touch, women generally prefer it if the man leads (just like ballroom dancing).
Tags: approval, better sex, communication, relationship advice, turn-on
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 4 Comments »
Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
How to relate with another human being optimally
Cause and effect are optimal roles to take to maximize connection and pleasure with another human being. If we can give and receive well, then we exist, not only in harmony with others, but also in love, cooperation and ultimately union with them.
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To give we become upright, strong and loving. We release our attention on ourselves and attain a great sense of freedom and release. We hold our partner in our mind and our hands deriving deep satisfaction in their joy and pleasure. |
To receive we must surrender, open and be vulnerable. We expose ourselves first to ourselves then to another. The heart releases and we are held. A place deep within us is nourished and pleasured.
In our extended orgasm practice we take the roles of cause and effect to create optimal sensation and orgasm. We also bring these roles into deep touch so that we can calm and heal our emotional bodies.
In taking these roles we optimize our connection with each other and overcome, perhaps, the greatest challenge of life.
Tags: attention, extended orgasm, Personal Growth, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 4 Comments »
Wednesday, October 12th, 2011
A clash of Titans! What are they, how do they exist on our lives, and who comes out on top?
Sensuality is based in the 5 senses, based in the body; it is bodily chemistry and feeling. Eroticism is mental turn-on from a specific idea often based in transcending some taboo or other. Dominant and submissive roles are the most popular expressions of erotic turn-on.
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In regards to our romantic lives we live in a primarily erotic culture (worldwide). It is a culture marked by an extremely mental approach to life, even one’s love life.
Erotism is a good spice to add to one’s love life. But… the minute it becomes the main course in one’s love life, as it is for most people, it causes a drop in turn-on. You get diminishing returns. You have to keep increasing the quantity and intensity of the erotic idea to get the same pleasurable result. For example, the person in a submissive role must be increasingly that submissive to get turned on. |
Eroticism taken too far leads to perversion. Perversion is the ability to get turned-on only by a very narrow range of stimulus. For example, women with red hair wearing black latex who remind someone of his first lover.
On the other hand, turn-on generated sensually increases the more you engage. You get increasing returns (more and more pleasure). For example, turn-on from feeling your hand on someone’s genitals increases the more you focus on what you are feeling in your hand, seeing with your eyes, and so on.
For a great sex life Sensuality should be the meal and Eroticism the spice. If you fall in love with someone for primarily erotic reasons watch out because that turn on will wear out unless they become ever increasingly richer, more dominant, or whatever the “idea turn-on” is.
Basing your attraction to someone sensually will have you fall deeper and deeper in love with them over time. You will become increasingly turned-on by them over time. This is the secret to having an Eternal Date with someone. Long standing relationships can be steered in this direction. If you are single and dating, you may want to start your next relationship this way!
Tags: better sex, eroticism, extended orgasm, female orgasm, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
Wednesday, July 20th, 2011
An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance and sex during this July’s Pleasure Course! And we all had an incredible time at the Cocktail Party that followed.
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint, Sex | Comments Off
Wednesday, June 29th, 2011
This is our third in our woman’s appetite series. So now that we’ve learned something about a woman’s appetite and how to gratify that appetite, what does a perfect man woman interaction look like?
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Vic Baranco laid it out like this: her appetite then his production and then her consumption and gratification. If all those elements are met then that man woman cycle completes and completes pleasurably. This is incredible relationship advice. |
What is of particular note for us, for where we are at in this woman’s appetite series, is that she must consume and be gratified by his production in order for the cycle to complete and everyone to feel good.
She must not only digest it but she must enjoy it. This is mastery from a feminine perspective.
… It also allows her to steer his production far more effectively toward her desires, giving her exactly what she wants ; )
Tags: appetite, approval, attention, relationship advice
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Last week we focused on a woman’s appetite. Now, what does it take to gratify that appetite. A good starting place is with the question “what does she want?”
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Vic Baranco, the famous sensuality researcher, used to say women want sex, food and baubles, in that order. What he meant was that relationship (including sex) is the foremost desire of women and necessities are second and extras are third. This is tremendously useful for men in realizing what women want and for women in having their desires as right.
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Women also want a lot, but may order short, for safety reasons. In other words, hedge her bet.
The key to gratifying a woman is realizing what she wants, that she wants a lot, and giving her everything that she wants… or perhaps barely less in order to gratify her appetite but not satisfy her appetite. It’s like leaving the dinner table before your stuffed; you’re looking forward to the next meal, yet you are gratified.
Tags: attention, happiness, relationship advice, relationship coaching
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, June 14th, 2011
Women want what they want. This is obviously true, but often missed. Sometimes a woman will even miss or not know what she, herself, wants. What is even more often the case is that she knows what she wants but somehow doesn’t feel right or safe in expressing it. Her appetite for what she wants, her desire, is withheld or concealed.
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Feeling right about her appetite, at all levels, is the same as feeling right about herself. This seems somehow selfish or at least extremely vulnerable, so she hides it.
As she realizes her appetite, first by getting into agreement with it then by gratifying it, her femininity is expressed fully and perfectly.
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The result is infinitely greater pleasure for both sexes.
Tags: better sex, communication, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 5 Comments »
Monday, May 30th, 2011
Communication is synonymous with relationship. What else is a relationship besides ongoing communication?
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It is also synonymous with vulnerability. To communicate with someone is to open and expose yourself the them.
It is also synonymous with truth. For there to, in fact, be communication, truth must be present; otherwise it would be miscommunication.
The opposite is unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding.
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Unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding are not morally wrong. They just simply don’t work to be more related to someone, closer to them… to have a better relationship with them.
What a relationship actually is… is communication.
Would you be willing to put your cards on the table today?
Tags: communication, truth, vulnerability
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
Wednesday, May 25th, 2011
Now let’s look at your relationship future. What is the quality of your future when you look at it?
You can immediately sense if your future is given by your blueprint, i.e. that it is predictable. Or perhaps your future blossoms from your being present now. In this case the future you imagine is more open, more organic.
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If you are present your future has a quality of or softness and openness, if you are not present it has a repetitious dull and dark quality.
Where you are now, or how you are now, determines your “now future”. This is where the future is created or lived from. The present gives the future.
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Your mind is always mapping out the future. That is the activity of mind. If you are in your blueprint/playbook now, in the presnt, you are going to map out what is in that blueprint. And that is what your future will look like.
If you are present then the map becomes very different and very secondary… and the future is bright.
Tags: blueprint, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 6 Comments »
Tuesday, May 17th, 2011
Well, there’s your relationship life now, as it actually is… And there is your relationship life in your head, all the thoughts you have about your relationship life and all the patterns and activities you have from those thoughts.
Let’s look at your relationship life as it actually is.
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Before you think anything, what is there? Before you think anything, what is present? Nothing that you thought in your head is actually there the way you thought it. If you can get out of the relationship life as you think it is in your head, everything is somehow unified and together and there’s no opinion about anything. Things just are as they are, but there is a very distinct experience to it.
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Your relationship life occurs very differently here, than in your head. Fundamentally, there is no sense of a problem.
Now, what human beings ordinarily think up in regards to their relationship is from their past, as we distinguished last week. Mostly it’s given by our early parental and sibling relationships. This gives a limited ability in relationship, and can cause many relationship problems. The natural skills of relationship, such as the love, connection, paying attention, seeing what the other person wants, and so on, are largely blocked. To be more exact, these are not so much skills as natural capacities of reality that one has when one is present.
There are two ways of developing these relationship skills. One way is to develop and practice them; the second is to be fully present and let them arrive. The first is somewhat willful and keeps the identity pattern intact, but it can be helpful. By being present, they will come naturally.
Tags: blueprint, Personal Growth, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Romantic Blueprint | 3 Comments »
Tuesday, April 5th, 2011
Tags: eternal date
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 5 Comments »
Tuesday, March 29th, 2011
An Eternal Date is a romantic relationship that keeps reaching higher peaks in love and sex. Sometimes we call it a “Peaking” relationship. Here are 10 keys to having an enternal date. If you are looking to start a new relationship, you can practice many of these and they will attract a soulmate.
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- Have lots of vacations
- Be so honest they can’t help but love you
- Take care of each other emotionally
- Research and study sex enthusiastically
- Take your partner on dates
- Flirt unabashedly
- Make lots of time available
- Develop a rich spiritual life
- Get to know you and your partner’s romantic conditioning
- Realize it’s a lot more important than most of the rest of the stuff you’re doing!
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Tags: dating advice, relationship advice, schedule
Posted in Dating, How to relationship, Relationship | 11 Comments »
Wednesday, March 9th, 2011
Relating with another person will occasionally involve upset, and this is a perfectly normal part of any relationship. But what’s the best way to handle yourself in these situations, to minimize the pain and damage that can be caused without causing more relationship problems? Here are three ways I’ve found of dealing with upset as it comes up.
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The first is to know that if someone says something sharp to you, it is normal to feel hurt. Rather than striving for imperviousness in this kind of situation, have compassion and space for you to have the experience. |
The second is to minimize “going to work” on the experience. It’s very easy to take the experience and use it to justify yourself, or defend yourself, or avoid intimacy or vulnerability. This is of course hard to do, and the key here is the first step I mentioned: have compassion for what you’re feeling, feel what you’re feeling fully, and the need to act on it or process it or use it will slowly drift away.
The third is, don’t take it personally. When somebody attacks you or says something offensive, it really has little to nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. This will help with the two steps above, and will help in understanding and having compassion for the other person, which will make it a lot easier for both of you to move beyond the sharp interaction.
This will help to clear your mind in the moment, and from a clear mind there are any number of options which can forward the situation, rather than reinforce the negative and defensive feelings which prompted the upset in the first place.
Tags: relationship problems, upset, vulnerability
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
Push-pull is a method of seduction in which you pull someone in (e.g. start a conversation with someone or take the conversation a bit higher sensually) until just before the point that they realize they have had enough, then push them away (e.g. end the conversation or change to a less sexually charged topic) .
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But, how do you know when someone has had enough before even they do? The key is your attention on them. If you’ve got your full attention on someone, you’ve got access to all kinds of incredible information. You can even know things about them that they may not be aware of themselves. |
Here’s an example which I think most of us are familiar with, and one you can even try today. The next time you’re in a conversation with somebody, notice the point when you feel the conversation winding down, when you feel that it’s time to end the conversation. Sometimes this feels like a slight reduction in excitement, or a tinge of distraction. Sometimes this is when the conversation actually does wrap up, and sometimes the conversation continues. If it continues and you stay in the conversation too long, it stops feeling good, and may start to feel awkward or anxious. If you end the conversation, you and the other person are left feeling good.
The exact same feelings come up when relating with the opposite sex, whether asking someone on a date or having sex. If you have your full attention on the other person, and notice how the situation feels, you will know exactly when to take things one level higher, and exactly when to pause and bring things down a bit.
Tags: attention, relationship advice, seduction
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance during this February’s Pleasure Course!
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint, Sex | Comments Off
Tuesday, February 1st, 2011
I first started flirting, at least overtly, in junior high school. And I, sort of, realized I wasn’t the one who started it!
Flirting is the give and take of sexual energy. It is practiced overtly and covertly, but mostly covertly in a language that is like a code. Like an energetic code.
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When Alicia and I met and connected we had a tremendous energetic connection. We were taking a seminar and doing exercises together in front of the group. I can still remember and feel that moment.
Today, that energy is far greater and deeper even than it was at that moment… and it is really due to expanding that energetic connection, that give and take that flirting is.
Flirting is actually something quite deep, that typically gets overlooked as time goes on in a relationship. It get’s trivialized ultimately because of fear. Fear of intimacy. |
Flirting isn’t only for new relationships or the first date. Flirting is very deep intimacy.
Tags: flirting, intimacy
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, January 25th, 2011
Men and women have a different style of communication. Women typically speak both their style and the male style because we live in a culture that mostly speaks the man-style. Men typically don’t speak both because women are willing to speak both styles. This can be a problem because when women aren’t heard or it isn’t clear what they want or what they are saying: the women aren’t super happy and neither are the guys.
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There are two instances in particular in which it really helps to have a deeper perception than us men sometimes have. These are when a woman is being aggressive or she is being withdrawn. What does that mean, what could be going on that men might ordinarily misinterpret? |
In short, a fight or flight response is occurring. Being aggressive or withdrawn is often interpreted by men, and women too, as simply being negative. Sometimes that is the case: all of us can sometimes get into a contracted or a non-open state. But that is not usually all that is going on, and sometimes that has nothing to do with it.
There are two reasons that a fight or flight response is happening. One thing that is often going on, and that is usually not seen, is that she is actually turned-on, and the turn-on comes out more as tension and aggression. Often men miss this cue and the potential for huge fun, and make it into something negative. Most of the time, releasing that stored sexual energy will release the tension, and will be very pleasurable for both people involved.
Reason two is that she has somehow been insulted. In today’s culture there is a lack of acknowledgement for the feminine, a discounting or discrediting of femininity. Not seeing a woman as woman-ness is a type of insult. This is something that women are just as likely to do as men, a kind of discounting of themselves and each other, rather than celebrating something that really is worthy of celebration.
These are two misinterpretations that occur all the time. When they’re decoded, it opens up potential for great sexual intimacy, closeness, and healing.
Tags: communication, turn-on, vulnerability
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 3 Comments »
Tuesday, December 21st, 2010
Flirting is worth bringing into long standing relationships as well as new relationships and the exciting process of meeting potential partners. Why leave the romance behind, right?
| Enlightenment… we could spend days discussing what that is. Here’s a useful definition: knowing and feeling your inherent perfection and the perfection of all that is. This doesn’t mean there aren’t pleasure and pain, good stuff and bad stuff, and so on. |
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Flirting with enlightenment can mean two things: 1) considering that perhaps everything is right the way it is… or 2) flirting with a sense of rightness about yourself and the other.
My point about enlightenment is maybe it’s time for you to just love yourself, others and life exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. Of course, you still grow, things change, you learn and so on, but the endless waiting for things to be OK is over. You can start having fun now!
My point about flirting is that if you are right with the way things are, really in agreement with them, you are a way better flirt. Whether you are dating, falling in love, married or any other state of relationship, your love life simply works better.
There is something beyond endlessly trying to get there. Why not start from good? It is a pretty enlightened thing to do… especially romantically.
Tags: dating advice, enlightenment, flirting, realization
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship | 7 Comments »
Tuesday, December 7th, 2010
Mostly attention. Doesn’t matter whether it is Lady Gaga or your mom.
Lack of attention toward a woman is a relationship killer straight off, and the source of many relationship problems. Even for people who stay “in relationship,” if there isn’t the attention on what she wants, there isn’t much of a relationship. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a new relationship, the couple is married, or you’re just dating.
| Of course, the list goes on. But if that first one is present the rest tend to follow: love, approval, great sex, baubles…
Sometimes people hear me talk about this at a Live Event or at The Pleasure Course and assume that I mean some kind of subservient catering from the guy. That’s the last thing women want. Women like to be “at effect” (as opposed to “cause”) so they like guys that are willing to be strong, to be “cause”. |
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They would just prefer it if his attention was on her, feeling and understanding what she wants.
This was a recurring theme in the December 3rd Pleasure Course, which we’ll be completing at the December 8th Live Event: How long are you going to wait for the romance you have always wanted!”
Tags: attention, relationship problems
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
One of the most common questions that people ask me, whether they are married, boyfriend/girlfriend or dating is some version of how do I get my partner to either approve of me more or pay more attention to me. With men it is typically, “How do I get her to approve of me more?” With women it is typically, “How do I get him to pay more attention to me?”
| Men’s biggest relationship hang-up is not paying attention. This infuriates women and he pays, although he often doesn’t know what he is paying for!
Women’s biggest relationship hang-up is not being authentically approving when asking for what the want. The result is guys don’t listen and stay dumb (if you’ll excuse me for being so blunt). |
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You may start to see that a vicious circle has formed. The more she disapproves the less attention he pays and the less attention he pays the more disapproving she is. This is the unfortunate circumstance of many relationships. Hence why we sometimes say when teaching the Pleasure Course, “Guys are dumb and women are mean.”
The good news is that if either partner is willing to acknowledge their hang-up and give it up, slowly but surely the relationship will correct. It doesn’t happen overnight but it does happen. When a he starts paying more attention she get’s a lot more approving. When she starts getting more approving (while not compromising what she wants, I should add) he starts paying more attention.
This is some of the best relationship advice I could give you. You may find love you didn’t know you had in your current love life. Oh and it is dating advice too!
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Tags: approval, attention, communication, dating advice, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, November 9th, 2010
We had an amazing live event last Wednesday where 50 people discovered their relationship personality type and it’s assets and liabilities. It was a blast!
What’s yours?
Basically there are 3 or 5 types depending on how you slice it up. This is based on nearly twenty years of giving relationship advice and supporting people in their love lives and I can tell
| you, although we are all unique, there are definitely general orientations that people fall into. These orientations depend on your preferred ways of responding to pain and difficulty when dealing with relationship problems. As you know, we each have a relationship blueprint, a set of information we use to navigate relationships buried deep in our unconscious. That blueprint instructs us to deal the pains of intimacy by avoiding them, challenging the other or surrendering. These are the three basic types: the Avoider, the Softy and the Meany. |
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There are two other types which are really versions of the prior types but they show up often enough that we consider them types of their own. One is the troublemaker, basically a Meany who is also an avoider. It’s the rebel or black sheep type, on their own stirring things up. And lastly, the Clueless, who comes in two varieties: the naïve and the arrogant. Both don’t know much about relationship (i.e. they’re clueless, but the arrogant type thinks they know a ton.)
From these brief descriptions you probably have a sense for your primary type. We all use all three (or 5 if you like) types, so having a combination is OK, but make sure you know your primary type. It’s really helpful in relationship to know it.
Then you can correct course! Meanys should be nice! Avoiders do well to show up; Softys benefit by asserting themselves; Troublemakers do well supporting something or someone; and the Clueless should learn!
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Tags: blueprint, relationship coaching, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, October 26th, 2010
Women fear being unattractive more than anything.
Men’s greatest fear is failure.
Men have their sense of self worth invested heavily in their success. That success could be financial, sexual, spiritual or any other area of life. Men view things in terms of success. It’s like a filter through which they perceive life.
| A woman’s sense of self-esteem is far more dependent on her attractiveness. Women experience life far more relationally. Their ability to attract the kind of relationships, especially romantic, that they want is crucial to their sense of self worth. Nowadays, these aren’t politically correct things to say. We could also debate why this is so. Is it biological, cultural or some other reason… or some combination? Regardless of why or whether it is O.K. to say in today’s cultural climate, after almost two decades of supporting men and women in having exceptionally intimate and turned on relationships, I have found these to be the greatest fears that each sex has. |
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If you think about it, these are very useful things to know about when relating to the opposite sex… whether it is your first date, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, or the person serving you your coffee in the morning. Knowing someone’s greatest fear can give you a lot of insight into how to make them feel good and like you more.
Alicia makes me feel like a winner and I make sure she knows how beautiful and attractive she is. It’s one of the secrets to the success of our marriage.
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Tags: approval, attention, failure, self-esteem, success
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Monday, October 18th, 2010
Relationships have a natural path through stages. In the Pleasure Course we focus on those stages in detail, but for now let’s just use their titles: the new and exciting stage, the best friends and lovers stage and the eternal date stage.
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People run into difficulty because they may be more comfortable at one stage and not another, or they may have skills in one stage and not another. We have found this difficulty to be the case for most people. You may have a tendency to try to rush ahead, say to the eternal date (a committed relationship), or a tendency to stay behind, say eternally dating (and never getting serious). The most common scenario that we have found over the last 17 years of teaching people to have successful romantic relationships is that of a woman wanting to rush ahead in the relationship, prematurely pushing toward commitment, and a man wanting to keep it in the dating stage, often way beyond when moving forward would create more depth and quality of romance. This was the scenario that Alicia and I had to move through. |
This is only the most common scenario. The roles can be reversed, the middle stage of relationship can come into play, and so on. The possible permutations are infinite. The point is that our individual relationship blueprints (our personal psychologies) can distort a natural progression through the stages at the appropriate time for maximum pleasure and romance.
How do you know when to take a relationship to the next level? You have to get out of your head and simply be present to the relationship. There will be a feeling, a sense that you can tap into, as to whether the relationship is due to upgrade. If you aren’t inhibiting it, it will happen naturally. If you are rushing it, and you get out of your head and simply be present to the relationship, there will be a natural tendency to slow down.
This is one of the beauties of life. Things flow naturally if we get out the way. That is a tall order, I must admit. It really is a spiritual process that we have covered and will cover in other topics. But, for now, know that you have to be present to the relationship not your relationship blueprint. Have your attention on the relationship, not on yourself!
Life also provides hints! Your friends (who have good relationships) are pushing you in one direction or the other. Or, you’ve been dating this person for a really long time, say years… probably time to cut bait or move forward. Or, you just started dating a few weeks ago and you are trying to push it forward… probably good to slow down.
You get the idea!
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Tags: blueprint, Committment, dating advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Monday, October 11th, 2010
The biggest mistake that people make in romantic relationship is bringing out the worst in their partner. This applies to long standing relationships, the first date and everything in between.
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Relationships have tricky and often complex dynamics. Sometimes what we perceive in someone else is actually what we are creating over there in them! Projecting our fears and concerns onto the other person is how this all get’s started.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say you are afraid that your partner will reject you or be mad at you about something, so you are defensive, maybe even hostile. Then they are mad. Maybe they don’t know what is going on, but they feel put off, so they are distant and in a sense reject you. |
This is the biggest relationship mistake that people make: they act in ways with their partners that bring out the worst in the other person. Disapproving of your partner is guaranteed to do this!
This creates a vicious circle. What we feared has become the case. Seldom do we realize our part in creating it.
Avoid the most damaging relationship mistake. Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt!
Tags: approval, emotions, mistake
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
Sunday, September 26th, 2010
People resist intimacy primarily because they are hurt and afraid. To whatever degree you find yourself pulling away from your partner, resisting having one or buffering yourself from really being close with someone is the degree to which you are caught in a cycle of hurt and fear followed by all of the strange ways of being that we use as responses to that hurt and fear.
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The hurt and fear, along with all the overlaid responses are what we call your relationship blueprint. Hurt and fear underlie the relationship blueprint and are the source of many relationship problems. They are the underbelly of the blueprint. The blueprint is used to protect ourselves. As children we felt hurt, quickly followed by fear. Makes sense, right? Then we quickly put together a system to handle that. |
The hurt comes from a variety of experiences: different versions of being abused or not being seen and acknowledged. Basically, we are raised in a less than ideal environment. This is inevitable, to some degree, because the environment can never be ideal.
The problem is that the blueprint, the distancing ourselves from others, ends up creating more hurt and fear. We end up in the vicious circle caused by responding to our hurt and fear in ways that cause more hurt and fear, damaging our relationships and love life.
The most common relationship blueprint orientations, in response to the hurt and fear, are: attacking, avoiding, acquiescing and ignoring.
We’ll explore these relationship blueprint orientations in future topics. For now, the most important point is to feel through the blueprint to it’s underbelly of hurt and fear. This is where healing can happen.
Tags: blueprint, intimacy, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 27 Comments »
Friday, September 10th, 2010
In the 27 combined years Alicia and I have been working with people and transforming their relationship and sex lives, one of the things that we’ve noticed is that everyone has particular patterns that they aren’t aware of. There are blind spots as to things that we all do and ways of being that we all bring into our sex lives, and they can be the source of many relationship problems.
| They may be obvious from the outside, for example if somebody were videoing us, but from the inside we may not even know that we are doing that. For example, somebody could be very timid, in bed they don’t move very much, or they’re very tentative in their touch. But to themselves, they probably don’t feel or know that they’re being timid. To them, that is just how it is, it’s just normal. Just like we might walk a particular way, it might even be a funny way, but for us we’re just walking. |
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That is what a blind spot is. A blind spot is a blind spot because you don’t see what is actually going on or how you’re being. There is a lack of perspective. Look for yourselves right now. What might be a blind spot for you? It could be any way of being, or a habit, or a tendency, or a behavior. It could be being silent, it could be being withdrawn, it could be being aggressive. Some of the best relationship advice I could give in this area is to ask somebody else’s opinion, especially a current or past lover! It’s a really fun conversation. It can open up a lot of things, and can help build a very healthy relationship and love life.
Tags: blind spot, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 5 Comments »
Tuesday, August 17th, 2010
We all have a romantic fate. If you look into your future, you’ve probably got a sense of how your romance is going to go. It may be great, it may not be so great, and it may be somewhere in the middle. That is your romantic fate.
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Where does this fate come from? It comes from something I call your “romantic blueprint.” This is the template, or set of principles or beliefs, that you’re using to guide yourself in your romance and love life. The problems with most people’s blueprint are first that it was designed between the ages of 0 and 15, and second it usually lives in a blind spot and operates unconsciously. In your love life, you may have noticed yourself acting out a repetitive pattern that leads to relationship problems. Despite seeing this pattern, you find yourself compelled to continue acting that way, and getting the same |
results. The reason that this is going on is because the romantic blue print is guiding this action, and this blueprint is in a blind spot.
So, what are the steps to rewriting your romantic blueprint, and hence your romantic fate?
The first, and most important step, is to uncover your romantic blueprint. A great way to do this is sit down with a piece of paper and write out the patterns in your relationship history, your beliefs about relationship, what your relationship future looks like, etc. Getting it out concretely on paper is important (conversations about it can be very useful but miss the physical element).
I remember, before I got in relationship with Alicia, I noticed that my relationships had progressed only to a certain point. I was OK at dating, I was pretty good at boyfriend/girlfriend, but committed just wasn’t really happening for me. So one day I wrote down all the girlfriends I had had in my life (about 10 at that point) and then, because it was there in front of me, it hit me like a bolt of lightning…in my mind I created something wrong with each and every one of them. Part of my blueprint was a belief that there is something wrong with my romantic partner. (See the post titled Getting over my relationship hang-ups for more detail on this.)
Part 2 of this entry will tell you what to do with your blueprint once you’ve uncovered it!
Tags: blueprint, relationship problems, romantic fate
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, August 10th, 2010
Nowadays, we’re all very busy. Sometimes romance gets squeezed out of our schedules and disappears in the face of all the other stuff there is to do. So here are a three great ways to jazz up a romance amidst a busy life:
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1. Prioritize. If having a healthy relationship and a life full of good strong love is important to you, cut the less important stuff out. And, the essential piece here is, make it real by putting romance into your calendar. We may think we don’t need to be reminded to be romantic or make time for sex, but the reality is, we all need to be reminded to do the fun and pleasurable stuff. |
2. Take regular vacations with a focus on romance. This doesn’t mean spending a lot of time or money. Alicia and I go on vacation at least once a month, often to a place just minutes outside of San Francisco for the weekend. A couple of days a month devoted fully to romance (leave your cell phones, laptops, and kids home!) can do wonders for your love life.
3. Maintain chemistry. There are many ways to add romance to a relationship that don’t take up a lot of time, or even need you to be in the same place as your partner. Having flowers delivered, leaving a note behind before you leave for work, sending a sexy text on your lunch break, are all examples of easy things to do that can create and maintain chemistry and polarity between a couple, especially in the middle of a busy work day or week.
Tags: relationship problems, schedule
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Thursday, June 17th, 2010
What makes the difference in any relationship is that each whole person is there and available for the relating. There are three aspects to this, and enhancing any one will really help any relationship succeed. This relationship advice really applies to any relationship, whether the first date, a brand new relationship, or a marriage.
| The first essential ingredient is approval. This means being emotionally available to the other person. When we are emotionally available, we are loving. I mean something wider here than simply saying nice things, I really mean the loving, warm, caring that emanates towards the other when we are emotionally available to that person. For some, expressing emotions readily is easy. For others, it brings up a feeling of vulnerability and being unsafe. |
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These feelings are generally rooted in a deep hurt experienced during childhood. When this hurt is felt, we emotionally bind up and harden because we don’t want to be hurt again. Noticing this hurt is the first step toward healing it, which allows us to become more emotionally open and vulnerable with another.
The second essential ingredient is turn-on or chemistry. For romantic love to be successful, there has to be the enjoyment, really the exploitation, of that sex energy. Unfortunately this energy can get dampened, by schedules or cultural norms or other beliefs. And fortunately, it can actually be turned back on. This starts with deliberate attention on the turn-on in the relationship, then learning the skills necessary to cultivate it (seduction, structure, flirting, and maximizing sexual pleasure, etc).
The third essential ingredient is “realness.” By this I mean, honesty, I mean being real with the person now, being present with the other person moment by moment. This is really can be the most challenging aspect of relationship, and there really is no easy way to do it. All we can do is be real NOW, no matter what the circumstances.
A nice aspect of all of this is that couples can support each other in the different areas, especially if one is strong where the other is weak. For example, someone strong in approval can approvingly request and help the other be more approving! Or if one is weak in realness, the stronger partner can point out when a situation isn’t feeling very real to them.
And finally, knowing that simply being more approving, turned-on, and real will improve a relationship is a relief! Whether looking for dating advice, wanting to improve a good relationship, or thinking about marriage counseling, this knowledge takes much of the mystery out of relationship problems!
Tags: approval, dating advice, emotions, honesty, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
Thursday, June 10th, 2010
Relationship is the most common place intense emotions come up. The emotions are usually very sensitive, and can be the source of many relationship problems. Here is the best way I’ve found to handle them, broken into six steps:
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The first way to handle intense emotions is to create space for that emotion. Basically this means, don’t ignore the emotion. There is a tendency to turn away from and avoid the intensity of feeling that comes up for us when we relate to another person. Now, this also doesn’t mean address it immediately and irresponsibly with the other person as soon as it comes up. Really it means simply allow the experience you are having. Don’t run away, don’t obsess, just let the emotion be.
The second thing to do is admit what you’re feeling. This doesn’t mean you need to do anything about the emotion, rather it simply means face that you are feeling that way, acknowledge that you are experiencing this emotion. |
The third thing to do is to express the emotion constructively and artistically. For example, if you feel angry and do a collage about your anger, it allows you to get your hands around the emotion, to see it and taste it. By simply doing something with your emotion that is not avoidant, the experience will start to lift and open.
The fourth thing to do is Corework. This is a type of mediation we teach in the Pleasure Course in which one goes to the core of what one is feeling, one confronts one’s experience. Opening with a spiritual practice liberates negative emotions, sooths and calms excited emotions, and enhances positive and turned on emotions. Just as the third step deals with the emotion artistically, this step deals with it spiritually.
These first four steps have been getting into the emotion, really feeling it. Now one is ready for the fifth step: communicate. This step is fifth because one really wants to spend a lot of time being with one’s emotion, feeling it thoroughly, THEN you want to communicate. When we instantly rush to communicate what we’re feeling usually we end up dumping or projecting, and we end up dealing with the trigger of the emotion rather than dealing with the emotion at its root. Embracing and feeling the emotion thoroughly before communicating really makes communication possible.
Finally the emotion can be released. This step actually isn’t something you do actively, it is something that happens naturally if the above steps are taken. If one feels the emotion fully, then shares and communicates, the feeling will release.
To bottom line it, the best relationship advice I have is: do not shy away from the intensity of emotion. Intense emotions will always come up, whether on your first date, in a new relationship or you have the most established and healthy relationship. Go into them, embrace them. Even though this is the opposite of what we usually think to do, you’ll find your experience lift and open.
Tags: communication, emotions, meditation, relationship advice, relationship problems
Posted in Being Happy, How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship | 4 Comments »
Sunday, June 6th, 2010
Date, date, date, date and date! The world of dating is where relationships are born. And if you’re not out there dating then you are stacking the odds against yourself.
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After almost 20 years of supporting people in creating great relationships, I can tell you the best place to meet a date is a party or social event where you know about half the people. This way you get introduced to people.
Finding your soul mate may seem daunting, but starting by simply going to a party so you can get out there and date creates an easy first step that will get the process rolling. |
Not only does being out there on the court increase the odds of meeting someone, it is also where you learn… about relating.
We’re all familiar with the challenging emotions that arise in the pursuit of love. These emotions are what sometimes keep us ‘off the court.’ But if you look at it like getting to a party today or this week, and then building on that, then it could actually be fun. And everyone else is nervous too. Doesn’t it sound fun to go to a party?
Find out about parties your friends are throwing or going to. Come to one of our parties. Just get out there and date.
Tags: dating advice
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010
We often wonder if we are in the “right” relationship. Well… You are in the right relationship!… however it is, even if you don’t have one. It is such a relief to know that. Maybe things are exactly how they should be and maybe nothing is wrong.
| If you don’t like the relationship, then you can leave graciously, but that doesn’t mean anything is or was ever wrong with it. At the same time very deep emotions about love, finding love, marriage and so on, surface when we accept our relationship life how it is and how it feels. Now, you may leave your relationship at some point or you may not, but either way there does not need to be anything wrong with your relationship. |
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Whether you are on the first date, married, divorced, looking to date, or whatever, the best relationship advice I could give you is… enjoy it!
Tags: happiness, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 2 Comments »
Friday, May 28th, 2010
Every day Alicia and I discover more and more how female orgasm is the secret to greater and greater sexual pleasure. Sensual pleasure and sexual pleasure has been our focus for a combined 25 years of teaching people how to have, not only good relationships, but exceptionally turned on relationships! We are firm believers that a woman’s pleasure is the key to better sex for both him and her.
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In addition to the sensual pleasure, great sex continually dissolves relationship problems as well as bringing intimacy and connection. The female libido has long been overlooked but, in the end, few people would deny their interest. Building a relationship that is so vibrantly and sexually charged, that it turns him and turns her on more than when it was a new relationship is something everyone desires.
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This morning Alicia and I had the best sex of our relationship, 8 years into it… and that is normal for us. Our lives as relationship advice givers, sexuality teachers, and teachers of personal growth take us to all kinds of highs and lows. At the same time, our sex life connects us in true love and increasingly greater sexual pleasure creating an enjoyable center to our relationship, our work and our lives.
Tags: better sex, female libido, female orgasm, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Relationship, Sex | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, May 18th, 2010
The most important quality a partner can have for an exceptional love life is willingness to grow. Is a partner open to personal growth, are they open to change? They may be great already, and are they willing to expand, are they willing to take it to the next level? If they are, the relationship has a quality of adventure, of newness and freshness. If they’re not, the relationship starts to become stale. People start to grate on each other, people loose that vibrant quality, and people’s sex lives go down.
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All of us have patterns, and these patterns generally start to dominate once the novelty of a new relationship wears off. If you come across one of those patterns and it’s not working for the relationship, you can bet that if the person is not open and available for growth that pattern is not going to shift. If they are open to personal growth, you know that they’re going to address it, that it can change. |
This gives the relationship agility, a type of absorption. The relationship gains that soulmate quality, getting better and better, and allows us to overcome those patterned parts of ourselves that inevitably arise in any healthy relationship.
This is not only how to pick a relationship partner, it’s how to be in relationship. In fact it’s the most important way to be in a relationship. Whether you’re on the first date or thinking about marriage, if you and your partner are open, then the world is your oyster. Any possibility for sensuality, communication, intimacy, love, and friendship is available because the relationship isn’t stuck.
If you ever find yourself not open to growth, simply re-open to personal growth. If a prospective partner isn’t open to growth, invite them to be open to growth. Wherever you or someone else is at, the great news is: openness is always available.
Tags: important quality, openness, Personal Growth, pick a partner
Posted in Finding a partner, Personal Growth, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Thursday, April 1st, 2010
Dating isn’t just for the beginning of a romance. Whatever phase of relationship you are in the skills of dating are crucial. Clearly dating is important to get into a relationship and at the beginning of one, but it is just as important 20 years into relationship… even more important, actually. At that point you have more at stake. We call that an Eternal Date!
The bottom line on dating advice is: get turned on, turn them on, make sure the date revolves around what the woman wants (the woman’s pleasure), and let the guy be the hero and provide it. This may not be politically correct, but after 17 years of supporting singles and couples, I can tell you it is what works. Add in fun activities that appeal to the senses and lots of flirting. Broken down into the critical elements dating isn’t so complicated and your next date will be fun and exciting!
Tags: dating advice, flirting
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Monday, March 1st, 2010
It took me several relationships to get my bearings, including the loss of a five year relationship when I was twenty-five. Finally, I got it right when I married Alicia. I have also had the privilege of supporting hundreds of relationships over the last seventeen years. The biggest mistake people make is holding out, holding back, keeping one foot out the back door. Don’t do it. If it turns out not to be the right relationship, at least you’ll know sooner… And, if you don’t hold back, it just might be the right relationship sooner than you think.
Tags: Committment, mistake, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
The holidays are an opportunity for love and connection, but can be difficult, even depressing for some. Here are 4 keys to having great holidays:
Intend, declare and decide to have a blast.
The incomplete stuff from 2009, either handle it now, or put it in the past.
Tell the people you love how much you love them.
Put lots of fun stuff in your calendar.
By the way, these steps also work for any relationship problem you may face! Just replace “from 2009″ with “the relationship problem”.
Tags: intention, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
Monday, June 1st, 2009
Extremely rich and successful men and drop dead gorgeous women have no problem attracting romantic partners (successful relationships is another story). For the rest of us there is plenty that can be done to more than level the playing field and attract women or men.
First make a great first impression (they count big time!). Then learn to flirt (that’s playing with the sexual energy). Become a great conversationalist (this is mostly putting your attention on them and asking interested questions). Make them right (no one likes someone who is “better than”). Remember being positive and confident is magnetic (this is key). Lastly, master the masculine or feminine style of communication (intellectually vs. experientially).
Tags: attention, dating advice, flirting
Posted in Dating, Relationship | 4 Comments »
Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
People often compromise when they get into a relationship, for example getting into an open relationship when they want something committed or getting into a committed relationship when they want something looser…or many other types of compromises. In the beginning it is always fine, but sooner or later they always feel like they aren’t getting what they want…because they aren’t. Fully and authentically changing one’s mind is another matter, but compromise is always a loser. I encourage people to really go for what they want. When you do that you meet the kind of people who want that too!
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
Friday, August 1st, 2008
The bottom line on what makes a person attractive or seductive is their ability to give someone else what they want. At one level it is that simple, but several questions arise like: “Do I have what the other person wants?” And “How do I find out what the other person wants?” Also, “How is what a woman wants different from what a man wants, and vice versa?” These are very powerful inquiries. Instead of simply answering these questions, here is a list of possible answers for you to play with: full attention, orgasm, power, approval, a sensual lifestyle, an “eternal” date, and full complete communication. The list is by no means comprehensive, but it does go to extremes that we usually don’t investigate when looking at how we could be more attractive to women or men.
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
One of the central themes of the Pleasure Course in May was “structuring your life extraordinary relationships and ecstatic sex.” Insights won’t do it. It really takes re-prioritizing. People’s schedules are crowded these days. But, when we take a look, people’s schedules are often crowded with things less important than their relationship or sex life! Take a few less important things out of your schedule and put in practices for good, healthy relationships and great sex. It makes an enormous difference.
Tags: better sex, relationship advice, schedule
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
Saturday, December 1st, 2007
I have the privilege of getting the inside scoop on the sex lives of countless relationships. The reality is that in most cases the turn-on decreases after the “honey-moon” period is over (although most people are reluctant to admit this before the relationship has all but bottomed out.) This decline does not have to be the case. Over and over we have the privilege of helping couples (or singles learn how to) turn their relationships back on or enhance an already great sex life!
Here are the 4 steps: 1) Tell the Truth about how your sex life has been going since the beginning of the relationship, graph it; 2) Commit to an ever expanding sex life and be willing to do what it takes; 3) Learn the art of DOing (basically, how you can create chemistry and turn-on to the point of sustained high level male and female orgasm); 4) Structure your lives so that sensuality and pleasure (including your new DOing skills) are prioritized.
Tags: better sex, DOing, female orgasm
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | Comments Off
Saturday, September 1st, 2007
Rarely do human beings study, research and seriously learn about what we are the most interested in. Sex is a good example of that. There is a hidden barrier of fear, trepidation and mistrust. What would people think? Where could this lead? Will I be OK? Will I be good at it? Typically, learning tennis or how to use a computer program doesn’t carry this kind of charge. We study it and learn it and get better at it to the degree that we seriously engage the topic. Sex, relationships, and enlightenment are the same way… but we have these fears and concerns. Are these topics worth overcoming our fears and taking action anyway?
As in with any subject or interest, studying relationship and sex really is key in having a good relationship and great sex!
Tags: better sex, relationship advice, schedule
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Relationship, Sex | Comments Off
