Archive for the ‘Romantic Blueprint’ Category

Real Life #3 – Development & the complete human being

Thursday, May 9th, 2013

We will overview the complete teaching from the perspective of the development of a human being.

As evolution progresses from plants to amoeba to crocodile to dog to human each has a different lens through which to view its life. The human being can self reflect, and distinguish the lens for the perceptive mechanism.

Therefore human beings can appreciate being. They can appreciate their true nature and the true nature or essence of everything.

Yet a variety of philosophers, thinkers, and mystics as well as spiritual practitioners, have said that being human is merely a bridge or a possibility, basically that being human is on only half-baked. That although a human being can self reflect and perceive and experience it’s true nature that this is rarely done. That a human being rarely completes itself.

Development of a human being is often not achieved but it can be.

Let’s look at the development of a human being from infancy to full maturity. In the first few months of life the child is a primal instinctual self totally connected to being, experiencing itself as being and yet driven by its instincts to survive. If the child’s needs are not met the ego shell will begin to form in a fearful hungry and animalistic way.

Then as the child enters the differentiating sub phase of development, where it differentiates from its mother, it will begin to have a sense of self-reflection, and a sense of itself. If the child is not well tended to at this point the ego show tends to develop in a very self-centered way. Narcissism classically starts at this stage.

As the child continues its development it begins practicing it’s new physical and mental abilities. Becoming more and more of a rounded individual. It goes through periods of attempting to reemerge with the mother. If all of this goes well then the child’s individuality and personality develops well. If this does not go well the ego shell tends to form a distorted personality. Of course problems in prior stages are reflected in later stages.

By the age of four or five the child has gender recognition and enters what is known as the Oedipal phase. If this goes well the child’s gender sense begins to develop well. If this does not go well then the child will develop difficulties with its gender sense and this will have lasting repercussions in self-image and romantic relationship later.

There are several other phases of cognitive development but we will zoom ahead to puberty because this is a crucial stage where the child’s gender sense completes itself. A type of ego structure can form here that either reflects a healthy gender sense and sexual life or an unhealthy gender sense and sexual life.

By the age of about 16 a human being has fulfilled the fundamental phases of biological development.

What we can see here is that as a human being develops there is the opportunity for a fully rounded human being to come into being. This is natural development. Of course there are many distortions that happen for each of us. But by understanding our development we regain access to our true selves, which includes a sexual self.

It is a lusty life. I like to call it the wisdom of teenagers where passionate and sexual life is embraced instead of suppressed and discarded.

Being loves sex.

A complete human being is a spiritual personal sexual being.

That’s real life.

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Real life #2 – Trust in Life

Thursday, May 9th, 2013

Last week we discussed Reality or our true nature as what is most basic in us, most essential in us… our being.

Over time we have examined various qualities of Reality: it’s realness and existence, the spaciousness and peace of reality, it’s infiniteness, love, peace, joy, and so on.

Babies are completely in touch with their being, with their true nature. They are being, they experience themselves as being, without being consciously aware of that fact. It simply is that way for them.

Babies are out of touch with circumstances. They don’t understand them at all. They can’t function without their mother’s total care.

The child cannot distinguish the true nature of reality from its surface manifestation, it’s circumstances.

He equates the surface with the depth.

The child loses his trust of reality because as he experiences difficulties and in his young life he equates those pains with the depth of reality not merely its surface manifestation of circumstance.

For example, if the child is rejected, or not fed properly, or enmeshed, or left alone too much, and so on, he will associate all of that with Reality itself. Instead of understanding that his circumstances were simply not ideal.

Circumstances are never ideal, difficulties happen to every baby in greater or lesser degree… that doesn’t mean anything about Reality itself.

When difficulties arise he becomes defensive to survive and develop. That defensiveness gets applied to Life itself… God, Being, Reality, not just the difficult circumstances that life inevitably entails.

He becomes cautious, fearful, strategical, avoidant, even opposed to Reality because he can’t distinguish that the depth (Reality in its essence) remains trustworthy. He projects the surface onto the depth.

As he becomes defensive against the whole he experiences himself as more and more separate from the whole… more alone. He loses his initial identity as the whole and becomes the defensiveness. He identifies with the avoidant, hostile, strategical, inflated patterning that helped him survive.

Through identification with this relationship blueprint he becomes further and further disassociated with all the qualities of Reality… peace, joy, and so on.

If true understanding of the nature of Reality, our essential nature, our true nature, blossoms then defensiveness is not required. Only discernment is required to see that the surface is not the depth.

One begins to understand that whatever difficulty arises is a surface temporary manifestation of Reality and that Reality itself is whole, complete, love, etc. He did not have this discerning capacity as a child.

His parents mistreatment or any difficulty in relationship or problem with his surroundings or body, etc. are merely the surface of Reality, not its true nature, not his true nature.

He learns to take them in stride… and not make them mean anything about life itself or about himself, ultimately. He is free to enjoy life, to enjoy being, to be being, to be what he is, in all it’s fullness.

Any yes, he still has to deal with the comforts and discomforts of life… but they don’t hold the meaning they did.

Self-development is a process of regaining trust in Reality, which involves seeing circumstances and one’s blueprint (ego, etc.) for what they are… survival strategies based in the assumptions of a child.

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Key qualities in character development

Tuesday, October 16th, 2012

The first 2-3 years of life are so formative that the most fundamental and elementary ways that someone experiences and interacts with the world are set. Personality changes throughout life, but less and less so. How the child deals with separation from the mother and his or her own sense of self lays a foundation for all later development.


character development

What qualities of being are required to move through the stages of development for the first 2-3 years of life? And what happens when some of these qualities are not fully present?


Basically, according to depth psychology the infant starts on a ‘merged with the mother state’ for the first 6 months or so. From there the baby begins a process of separating and individuating from the mother until 2-3 years old.


The merged state that the child starts with is like a childhood enlightenment. There is little sense of difference or separation. It has a blissful quality that is sometimes interrupted by physical and emotional needs. How these needs are dealt with sets an initial and immediate sense of how the world is basically or bodily. Safe, nourishing or not, at a very basic or bodily level.

The dominant quality and the quality required in this early stage is a type of blended merged love, where the mother’s psyche and body are shared with the infant. This makes entry into the world of conditions safe, gradual and generally pleasant.


If this merged love is not present or infrequently present or somehow dimmed then the baby will experience and begin to perceive the world in a less safe and positive way at the deep level of the body.


Next the child begins to differentiate themselves from the mother. The quality of strength is key here because he/she is separating themselves from the merged mother. Strength slowly begins to take over as the primary quality of experience, instead of the merged type of love. Ideally this is not strength in a contracted form, rather it is a bright uplifting yet relaxed feeling of capability.


If the merged state did not go well (needs were not met) then it is likely that ego has already taken on a more rigid and defensive structure. This naturally blocks out the natural feelings of goodness of reality because the child is more self focused toward a false self. It also sets the stage for the strength, which is needed to differentiate, to arise in an ‘egoic condition’. Additionally, trauma at this differentiation stage can cause the more rigid, being-blocking form of ego. Trauma at these early periods is particularly damaging for obvious reasons. Fundamental issues (around separation, survival, etc.) can centralize themselves in the blueprint for living which is being formed!


But let’s assume things go ideally in the merged state and differentiation happens ideally; the baby feels strong, able and happy. The next stage involves experiencing limitation, the limitations of his/her little body in the conditional world. If the mother, and to a lesser degree the father (most commonly) deals with the child’s attempt to remerge in a healthy supportive way, that both loves the child but encourages them to venture out strongly, then a quality of strength and ability will be added to a quality of merged safe love at the deep level of body.


If the attempt to remerge is not dealt with well the child will end up too merged with the parent or too separate and independent. If the parent clings to the child the child will stay more merged. If the parent rejects the child, then the child will be more separate. In either case the love quality of being or the strength quality of being is diminished to a type of enmeshment or separateness. In a typical “softy” or “meany” personality style.


Next the child individualizes and develops their own sense of individuality and personality. The primary quality here is individuality. This individuality is not based on egoic separateness ideally, but instead forms a unique personality that is fully connected to being. Any number of things can happen in this stage and cause the personality to become more contracted and further away from being. The contracted form of the individuality quality is something like the personality of ego (often called the false self).


Around four years old the child enters an Oedipal phase where each child develops a sense of their ‘boyness’ or ‘girlness’ and what this means. The child develops the ability to polarize love, and years later to romanticize love. This is furthered by the biological development. Freud was absolutely correct that a sexual self sense begins to form when a child realizes their gender and begins to integrate it into their personality. This sexual self sense, unless addressed, will underlie all romantic connections to follow. Of course, it will change and further events will influence one’s romantic ability, but one’s basic sense of one’s gender will underlie all of that.


Strength and love, as well as many other qualities become enhanced by these gender developments if they go well. Ideally the child has received the environmental support necessary to move through these stages while maintaining a connection to Being. In which case, one’s identity is in being, one’s individuality is an alive vibrant personality not a separateness, and one’s gender sense adds a thrill to life instead of some type of obsession or problem.

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Shades of Reality

Tuesday, October 16th, 2012

Reality has fundamental qualities. When we are experiencing reality it feels any number of ways. For example we may feel clarity, or peace, or strength, or joy, but it is clear that we are experiencing reality. There is a fullness, unity, a fulfillment, ultimately a realness to the experience.


shades of reality

Reality does not come in a negative form. All of the qualities, which we listed, are somehow positive or what we might consider good. They are actually beyond good, they are real. Actually real, not something theoretical.


Negative qualities, on the other hand, are contracted forms of reality. They all are the qualities of reality filtered through the ego or one’s blueprint. So all kinds of prejudices and preferences impact the experience of that quality, but the largest impact is that the quality is experienced along with a limited self sense. Or ego identity. Or sense of “me”.


Let’s look at several qualities as they are in their pure form and how we normally experience them so that we can observe the contrast between the pure or direct experience of reality and a contracted form of reality. As well as, notice what stands in between.


Strength for example is a quality of reality. We experience reality through a quality of strength when that quality is needed or most appropriate to the situation. Strength is a feeling of physical and emotional ability. It is a feeling of being capable, a pulsing sense of energy throughout the body, yet calm. It has a bright and awake quality but it is not sharp. It is not still or moving but rather pulsing. Strength has an expansive feeling in the body, especially in the chest.


Strength as we usually experience it is more like tightness or tension. More like a type of hardness, or going against something. It has the quality of conflict. This is because it is experienced along with a “self”. For example, “I feel strong” “he’s so strong “. These examples and how we usually experience strength usually involve an “I” sense which gives a contracted, separate, and negative undertone to the experience.


Clarity is a quality of reality that feels expansive but is located more in the skull, like a very subtle pleasant buzzing in the brain. It feels like being able to see forever and everything. It is a sense of omniscience, which is very relaxed. It is the ability to see and understand and know. Clarity has a very bright awake experience in the body but is deeply calm. Still. Silent.


How do we normally experience clarity? Yes it has some of the above traits but is more like feeling clear about something or me being clear. Or me being unclear. There is some kind of tension between clear and unclear, some kind of opposition, duality because it is experienced along with a sense of limitation. Similar to how the normal experience of strength always involves some type of weakness, or resistance to weakness, etc. This is the ego or the blueprint.


Real clarity as a quality of being has no opposite and no sense of opposite. There is simply clarity. Clarity as it is normally experienced always involves a positive pole and a negative pole. Even the positive pole of a contracted quality is still contracted. Real qualities of reality simply are, they have no opposite.


The quality of being merged or blended with everything is a fundamental quality of reality. This quality is so all consuming that there is no self-defense in it. It is almost more like a dimension than a quality because it is so all pervasive. People yearn for but also fear this experience. Infant experience a great deal of being merged with everything.


Merged in an ordinary sense, how we normally experience it, is more like losing one’s individuality. Being engulfed by something or losing oneself in somebody or something else. It is normally experienced as more of a type of enmeshment. People fear the enmeshment because there’s a lack of direct knowing and understanding of the merged experience. “We merged” etc. There is something tight in even that statement when it is the normal everyday contracted form of merging. There is something about this seemingly positive statement that is subtly distasteful.


You get the idea. Any quality, for example the sensual or sensuous qualities of reality, can be experienced through an “I” filter or experienced directly as what they are. Real sensuality is a physically alive and vibrant experience, but sensuality paired with the ego brings an immediate sense of tightness to the body. You can look at “will”, you can look at “love”, you can look at any fundamental experience that a human being has and determine how clearly reality is shining through by examining the level of contraction of the quality.


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Corework as experiential inquiry

Wednesday, September 5th, 2012

Corework is experiential inquiry. Either on a topic or into what you are experiencing currently. Even if a topic is chosen, the focus of corework is still your immediate experience.


corework

Corework unwinds, unblocks and frees up experience by feeling through the layers of experience. From the trigger all the way to happiness and real freedom. This is a spiritual process and goes far beyond simply resolving the issue.


The practice involves feeling into bodily experience, emotional experience and mental experience without thinking about it. This way the underlying material, held in the unconscious, can surface. Body focus and breath focus can be powerful anchors that help one sink into deeper experience without getting lost in thought.


The typical pattern is: trigger –> issue –> emptiness –> related aspect of being


Almost all the time, almost every human being is triggered by something. Usually we only pay attention to the big ones. But anytime you can feel into your experience and detect some circumstance that is triggering an upset, however large or small. For example, a lingering feeling of resentment based on a comment someone made to you.


Under the trigger is an issue, part of the person’s blueprint that is painful. The trigger has power because of the issue. What is key in Corework is to leave the trigger behind and feel into the issue. This in itself is relieving because you are no longer triggered and you feel you are working on something real, though normally hidden. For example, an underlying issue of being treated unfairly by others.


By inquiring experientially, rather than mentally, into the emotions and their meanings, the issue will begin to dissolve. The issue and it’s related meanings are seen and felt through. They are first experienced as painful but ultimately as unreal. One’s sense of identity, especially around that issue, will also tend to dissolve. For example, the issue of unfairness and the victim identity dissolve.


This usually leaves one feeling empty, sometimes experienced with strong feelings of vacancy or aloneness. This emptiness is the base of the blueprint or ego. It is the human being as mind or blueprint (rather than being). Normally this empty shell or identity as mind is not felt because we are upset and distracted. It is like who you thought you were died and nothing is left. For example, if one is not a victim one feels like no one or nothing.


If you continue the Corework and feel through this empty shell of ego then a sense of being will arise. It will be the expression of being that was blocked by the issue or an expression of being that supports dealing with the issue. Anything from joy to inner strength to a sense of clarity, and so on. Not only is trigger relieved or resolved and the underlying issue unwound to whatever degree, but one is returned to oneself in the deepest sense. For example, a deep sense of compassion for oneself and others arises associated with a sense of oneself as being and presence.


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How to pick someone up – Part 3 – Psychological & Social dynamics

Tuesday, May 29th, 2012

This is very advanced material.


How many people have a real understanding of what is actually going on psychologically within themselves and the people they are interacting with? What is that worth to you? What could you do with that?


psychology The most useful skill in drawing someone (anyone from a stranger to your spouse) toward you is to understand and function well in the psychological and social dynamics of the group/person you’ve approached and play just barely faster than them. That means being present and being on top without being a dominant jerk. Unjustified arrogance rates as one of the most repulsive qualities a person can possess. In other words, real power and real understanding are required.


You’ve got to be attuned to that person or group and know what is going on. Who’s in charge? Why? Are they bored? Are they wound up?… and so on. If you were going to drive a car you’d probably want to know if it’s a Ferrari or a truck.


Picking someone up means you are driving, you are leading. As we’ve covered previously, you can do that from a masculine or feminine position. Ideally both sexes are doing it simultaneously, and because it is done differently by each sex they don’t clash! Regardless, if you do your part well, odds are strong they’ll get in step.


Crucial to attuning yourself or calibrating yourself to someone is putting your thoughts aside and paying attention to them. Notice them and you’ll be surprised at the information you get. With that information a woman can direct her energetic charms (turn on, body language, etc.) far more effectively. For example, if she gathers that he is kind of wound up and distracted she might stand closer to him than she normally would and flash him (sexy eye contact) more strongly.


Males usually use the gathered information to lead the conversation more effectively. He has tremendous power if he knows what is going on with her. This is known in the social sciences as knowing the person’s “frame” (like ‘frame of reference’). It is the filter through which they perceive the current situation.


The goal is to create ‘frame resonance’, in other words to have her ‘frame’ resonate with yours. This grants you connection and great influence. There are 4 verbal ways to create frame resonance and although both sexes use them, they are the bread and butter for a man picking up a woman.

  1. Frame bridging: create a connection between two ideas (often fixes a logistical issue): “I’m glad you want to see my pet rock collection, my car is around the corner.”
  2. Frame amplification: really step into her viewpoint: “Yes, it would be terrible to sleep with someone without being connected!… I’m glad we’re connecting.”
  3. Frame extension – stretch her frame to connect it with yours: “your passion for detail is exactly what it takes for me to be a good artist/doctor…”
  4. Frame transformation – stitch together your and her frames at some future point and then bring it back to the present: “One day I hope to really be able to commit like you want me to; it’s really what I want in my heart, even now.”


Women can ‘grab’ a man’s frame with the tremendous power of her turn on and potential for sensual contact. She’ll use the above verbal methods intuitively, but her sex is her greatest asset. I call it the ‘biological imperative’. Within seconds of meeting, any man and woman have totally evaluated the other sexually. If she is pressing “go” sexually, she has his attention, no matter what their relationship is! If she does want the interaction to proceed, the verbal maneuvers described above can be very helpful in handling concerns or viewpoints that he might have.


Hexing is another key psychological tool available to you. It is a type of teasing or dominance play where you confirm somebody’s self-doubt. For example if you know someone has an issue about the car they drive, you might say, “so did you drive the old clunker here?” The purpose is to have fun in a teasing way. You can also accomplish putting yourself on top in the interaction and steering them (in this case, perhaps to buy a new car). It is not an insult! If you buy into their self-doubt it is an insult. Unfortunately, people usually are insulting the person when they try to tease or hex them because they actually believe there is something wrong with that person (or their car). It’s easy to overdo it and use hexing in a defensive, hostile or arrogant way. Then it’s not a good hex and will backfire leaving you hexed!


Because sex is such a charge-y subject, women are walking hexes for men (and for themselves). If a man can learn to hex well, he gains a big edge in his pick up game because women like a guy who can steer.


Now, let’s address one of the most important things you need to know about your psychology and the learning process. This applies to learning most things, not just picking someone up. There are stages in learning. The first stage of picking a goal is usually very exciting. The next stage is a bitch. Let’s call it the Klutz stage. You put ten in and get one out. It’s full of failure. The mood of it is like being in an emergency room: you are rushing around trying to see what is going on and stop the bleeding! This is where most people quit.


If you keep going and intelligently make corrections you will succeed. That is the secret of getting over the hump: Keep immersing yourself and making corrections. The later stages in the learning process are about success and enhancement. They are relatively fun, creative and interesting, and your results accelerate exponentially. Don’t stop at the Klutz stage… or you end up living there!


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Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Man-Woman Dynamics, Pick-up, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 7 Comments »

The need for contact and intimacy

Wednesday, July 27th, 2011

Human beings have a deep and abundant need for intimacy with others.  Contact of this type is necessary for our growth and development.  It continues to be necessary throughout adulthood and throughout our lives. 

contact and intimacy In some ways we need it more as children because we need it, not only emotionally, but also to learn how to function and survive.  Yet, in another sense we need it more as adults because without good contact and intimacy it is practically impossible to unwind and resolve the interpersonal issues we bring from childhood into adulthood.  And as we know those issues can be significant!  (Just look at your “relationship blueprint”).

 

Denying this need is all too common because it can bring up a great deal of pain: feelings of isolation, loneliness, fear and so on.  Yet if we accept and feel this need we have taken the most important step to resolving past issues and enjoying our relationships today.  We have embraced our interdependence.

 Some issues need to be resolved interpersonally and some need to be resolved within ourselves. The more psychological the issue the more likely we’ll need to resolve it interpersonally.  Psychological issues are primarily interpersonal and were formed from early interpersonal dynamics.  A healthy current relationship (often starting with a mentor or therapist) is often what resets the “relationship blueprint”.

 

Intellectual understanding alone, outside of interpersonal relationship, simply won’t cut in resolving psychological issues.  You’ve got to be in the water to learn to swim.

 

Spiritual issues (“Who am I?” and the like) are ultimately resolved by locating one’s nature or True Self.  This is an inner journey and personal growth that one does within oneself.  Of course, support and guidance are useful here, but these answers are within.

 

True spiritual development will support psychological healing and development… and healthy psychological development will support true spiritual realization.

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The July Pleasure Course

Wednesday, July 20th, 2011

An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance and sex during this July’s Pleasure Course! And we all had an incredible time at the Cocktail Party that followed.

July pleasure course

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The need for being taken care of

Wednesday, July 13th, 2011

The need to be taken care of is deeply felt by every human being.  It spans everything from our survival needs as children to our need to be seen and acknowledged to our need to have someone else assume responsibility for things so that we can relax.

baby-wanting-care Unfortunately, when we need it most as children, this need is usually not fully met.  So as adults we have our normal needs of interdependence, acknowledgement, being seen and so on, plus a sense of unmet childhood needs which carry over into adulthood.

 After 20 years of supporting singles and couples in thir relationships I can tell you this is what causes most relationship problems: disguised versions of “You are not taking care of me”.  Relationships turn into a reflection of early childhood patterns with parents.  The parent is projected onto one’s current partner along with a sense of not being taken care of.

 

The most important thing we can do to resolve this situation is to feel and understand the need directly.  It is a fundamental human need that takes many forms throughout life.

 

We can do things to get this need met, and, of course, that is helpful, but what is of critical importance to our personal growth is that we get familiar with this need.  That we feel it directly with compassion and understanding… first for ourselves and then others.

 

Somehow when we experience this need ourselves calmly and directly it soothes and calms us, as well as opens us to receiving from others.

 

When unmet need is felt through fully with understanding it begins to shift to desire… then to love, where it switches to more of a giving force… then to stillness, where we transcend even our need.

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Your relationship future

Wednesday, May 25th, 2011

Now let’s look at your relationship future.  What is the quality of your future when you look at it? 

 

You can immediately sense if your future is given by your blueprint, i.e. that it is predictable.  Or perhaps your future blossoms from your being present now. In this case the future you imagine is more open, more organic.

 

relationship future If you are present your future has a quality of or softness and openness, if you are not present it has a repetitious dull and dark quality.   

 

Where you are now, or how you are now, determines your “now future”. This is where the future is created or lived from.  The present gives the future.

 

Your mind is always mapping out the future.  That is the activity of mind. If you are in your blueprint/playbook now, in the presnt, you are going to map out what is in that blueprint.  And that is what your future will look like.

 

If you are present then the map becomes very different and very secondary… and the future is bright.

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Your relationship life now

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

Well, there’s your relationship life now, as it actually is… And there is your relationship life in your head, all the thoughts you have about your relationship life and all the patterns and activities you have from those thoughts.

 

Let’s look at your relationship life as it actually is.  

 

happy-couple Before you think anything, what is there? Before you think anything, what is present? Nothing that you thought in your head is actually there the way you thought it.  If you can get out of the relationship life as you think it is in your head, everything is somehow unified and together and there’s no opinion about anything. Things just are as they are, but there is a very distinct experience to it.

 

Your relationship life occurs very differently here, than in your head.  Fundamentally, there is no sense of a problem.

 

Now, what human beings ordinarily think up in regards to their relationship is from their past, as we distinguished last week. Mostly it’s given by our early parental and sibling relationships. This gives a limited ability in relationship, and can cause many relationship problems. The natural skills of relationship, such as the love, connection, paying attention, seeing what the other person wants, and so on, are largely blocked. To be more exact, these are not so much skills as natural capacities of reality that one has when one is present.

 

There are two ways of developing these relationship skills. One way is to develop and practice them; the second is to be fully present and let them arrive. The first is somewhat willful and keeps the identity pattern intact, but it can be helpful. By being present, they will come naturally.

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Your relationship past

Thursday, May 12th, 2011

The biggest influence from your past on your current love life, whether you’re in a great relationship or having relationship problems, is your relationship with your family. The first 3-5 years of life are the most influential in terms of how we relate to other people, even sexually. This is in part because our current relationship blueprint is stored as memories of past relationships. Earlier memories carry more weight because experiences which come later are filtered through the earlier memories.

 

family-memories There are many challenges to looking at your relationship with your family and how that relates to your core relationship tendencies. The first is that our relationship with our parents, especially at such a young age when we are so open and undefended, is a very tender part of the blueprint. Another challenge is that sometimes, rather than mimic our parents, we do the exact opposite.

 

So take a moment to go back in your past and note, what are the critical influences that your family had on you when you’re young? This can be priceless information for your personal growth.

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The February Pleasure Course

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance during this February’s Pleasure Course!

February Pleasure Course

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Your relationship personality type?

Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

We had an amazing live event last Wednesday where 50 people discovered their relationship personality type and it’s assets and liabilities.  It was a blast!

 

What’s yours?

 

Basically there are 3 or 5 types depending on how you slice it up.  This is based on nearly twenty years of giving relationship advice and supporting people in their love lives and I can tell  

you, although we are all unique, there are definitely general orientations that people fall into. These orientations depend on your preferred ways of responding to pain and difficulty when dealing with relationship problems.  As you know, we each have a relationship blueprint, a set of information we use to navigate relationships buried deep in our unconscious.  That blueprint instructs us to deal the pains of intimacy by avoiding them, challenging the other or surrendering.  These are the three basic types: the Avoider, the Softy and the Meany. The multiple personality types for romantic relationship

 

There are two other types which are really versions of the prior types but they show up often enough that we consider them types of their own.  One is the troublemaker, basically a Meany who is also an avoider.  It’s the rebel or black sheep type, on their own stirring things up.  And lastly, the Clueless, who comes in two varieties: the naïve and the arrogant.  Both don’t know much about relationship (i.e. they’re clueless, but the arrogant type thinks they know a ton.)

 

From these brief descriptions you probably have a sense for your primary type.  We all use all three (or 5 if you like) types, so having a combination is OK, but make sure you know your primary type.  It’s really helpful in relationship to know it. 

 

Then you can correct course!  Meanys should be nice!  Avoiders do well to show up; Softys benefit by asserting themselves; Troublemakers do well supporting something or someone; and the Clueless should learn!

 

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How to rewrite your romantic fate, part 2

Friday, August 27th, 2010

Once you’ve uncovered you’re romantic blueprint (see part 1 of this topic), the second step is creating a new blueprint. This can be a very fun process. Start picking things from your blueprint that you’d like to change, and then practice acting out of the new way of being. Over time you can re-write your entire blueprint: how you’re interacting with the opposite sex, how you feel about flirting, a first date, boyfriend/girlfriend, commitment, , how you deal with relationship problems, your ability to be vulnerable or sweep a person off their feet, etc. And this can be an on-going process. Blueprints can be negative in two ways: They can be made of negative material, and they can be stagnant. The beauty of re-writing your blueprint is that you can do it all the time, informing your new blueprint with spirit rather than a fixed point of view.

 

Now that you’ve uncovered your blueprint and created a new one, step three is to motivate yourself. This involves bringing your heart and feeling into the new blueprint. If these aren’t there, the new blueprint is just going to be a good idea that falls by the wayside. There are two parts to motivating yourself. The first is to investigate it: Does this matter? How important is this to me? If you engage in this inquiry and bring your heart into it (not just your head), you’ll feel that your romantic fate is a really big deal. The Rewriting your romantic fate

key is to invest feeling into your new blueprint. Talking about your blueprint with people who are important in your life, or creating a collage, are two great ways of engaging with the new blueprint with your heart. The second part to motivating yourself is to take on your new blueprint in small chunks. Taking on a new blueprint can be overwhelming, and addressing small pieces of it at a time (e.g. setting a goal of going on an extra date every week, rather than going straight for a committed relationship with Mr. Right) is key.

 

Finally the fourth step is adapting your environment. Your environment is probably structured in such a way as to support your old blueprint. Identifying these structures, and altering them such that they support your new blueprint is key in having your new blueprint take hold. For example, if your new blueprint involves more sensual time with your partner, adding sensual items to your bedroom like candles, flowers, incense, and sexy décor can be a way of supporting this.

 

Re-writing your romantic fate is a large undertaking. With these steps, it can really happen, and the rewards are well worth it!

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How to rewrite your romantic fate, part 1

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

We all have a romantic fate. If you look into your future, you’ve probably got a sense of how your romance is going to go. It may be great, it may not be so great, and it may be somewhere in the middle. That is your romantic fate.

Rewriting your romantic fate Where does this fate come from? It comes from something I call your “romantic blueprint.” This is the template, or set of principles or beliefs, that you’re using to guide yourself in your romance and love life. The problems with most people’s blueprint are first that it was designed between the ages of 0 and 15, and second it usually lives in a blind spot and operates unconsciously. In your love life, you may have noticed yourself acting out a repetitive pattern that leads to relationship problems. Despite seeing this pattern, you find yourself compelled to continue acting that way, and getting the same

results. The reason that this is going on is because the romantic blue print is guiding this action, and this blueprint is in a blind spot.

 

So, what are the steps to rewriting your romantic blueprint, and hence your romantic fate?

 

The first, and most important step, is to uncover your romantic blueprint. A great way to do this is sit down with a piece of paper and write out the patterns in your relationship history, your beliefs about relationship, what your relationship future looks like, etc. Getting it out concretely on paper is important (conversations about it can be very useful but miss the physical element).

 

I remember, before I got in relationship with Alicia, I noticed that my relationships had progressed only to a certain point. I was OK at dating, I was pretty good at boyfriend/girlfriend, but committed just wasn’t really happening for me. So one day I wrote down all the girlfriends I had had in my life (about 10 at that point) and then, because it was there in front of me, it hit me like a bolt of lightning…in my mind I created something wrong with each and every one of them. Part of my blueprint was a belief that there is something wrong with my romantic partner. (See the post titled Getting over my relationship hang-ups for more detail on this.)

 

Part 2 of this entry will tell you what to do with your blueprint once you’ve uncovered it!

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Getting over my relationship hang-ups

Saturday, July 17th, 2010

About 10 years ago, before I met Alicia, I remember having an intuitive hunch about myself. The hunch was that something was off. What gave me that hunch was that I had been in relationship with some incredible women, but none of the relationships had lasted. I realized that it had something to do with me, that it was a relationship problem, or hang-up, of mine.

 

Before this hunch I really thought the relationships ended because they weren’t right for some reason. I thought there was something wrong with each of the relationships, and even each of those women. When I actually listed the qualities of each woman, I saw that I had been so critical of each of them that I somehow found something that made her the wrong person, and justified to myself not being involved, and in some cases even being superior. I realized this hang-up was really costing me in my relationships and my love life. Erwan Davon and Alicia Davon throwing the Launching Erwan Davon Teachings Cocktail Party!

 

I also saw that this hang-up was defensive in nature. The women in my past really had been incredible. They were gorgeous, funny, lit-up, and I had been blocking them from coming into my life. I saw that this defensiveness was covering up an underlying sense of being unlovable. Underneath it all, I really feared that each of those women were unavailable for loving me. This complex thought pattern was really dominating my relationships and love life. It was part of my relationship blueprint which was not working for me.

 

Identifying this part of my blueprint, and the consequences (the lack of relationship), left me with a bit of a sick feeling. As I felt into this feeling, through a meditation practice we teach in the Pleasure Course called “corework,” I began to notice a deep sense of vulnerability. As I felt this vulnerability more and more fully, the sick feeling of worry began to lift. It felt like a weight rising off of my chest and shoulders. In that moment of feeling, I could see my future opening up. A quality of enjoyment and pleasure started to come into my experience.

 

It was this process of fully feeling through the emotions behind my hang-up, moment by moment, that really put me in a place to love and commit in my current relationship with Alicia. It is relationship advice that I would recommend to anyone with a relationship or sexual hangup.

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What is your romantic blueprint?

Saturday, May 1st, 2010

Each of us has a template or blueprint we operate from in our romantic relationships or in our attempts to get into romantic relationship. The problem is that most of it we made up or inherited between the ages of 0 and 15. The other problem is that it lives in a blind spot and is rarely examined, updated or even seen! The good news is that it can be explored and updated. It’s like tennis or golf… you can always update your game, but first you’ve got to see what game you are currently playing (that is your romantic blueprint). Maybe it’s a great blueprint, maybe it isn’t, either way expansion and more fun is always possible, leading to a great healthy relationship!

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