June 5th, 2013
Part I
It is commonly known that children require mirroring (a positive and true reflection of who they are and what they are doing). But it is seldom know that from the earliest stages children are mirroring their parent simply by virtue of experience. We will explore how this gives rise to a replication of our parents at the core of our self-identity, hence a false personality. In other words, we are going to the very, very beginning of our relationship blueprint.
Let’s start by reviewing what we covered last week and then adding to that.
Success strategy – It’s how people get by, but it is strategical. It is a compensation for conflicts and pain that are in a person’s unconscious mind. We call this the “shiny defense” or the success strategy. It’s what people are typically good at.
For example, kids who are just too cool, too cool for school.
Losing hustle – When that strategy breaks down people resort to complaining, victimhood, etc. The seed of their complaint is authentic pain but they are overwhelmed by it instead of feeling through it, healing, etc. It has a feeling of stuckness and complaint. We call this the “angry defense” or the losing hustle.
For example, the kids we mentioned might complain “My parents suck… school sucks”.
Intolerable loss and emptiness – This is the sens of emptiness that underlies most peoples personalities. It is what fuels compulsive action, filling empty space and boredom. If people stop action and feel into their experience they usually feel that something is missing.
For example, what people fall into in a mid life crisis. Or what the too cool for school kids fall into when it’s time to find employment.
Authentic pain – is simply the unprocessed pain and difficulties that people have experienced in their past. People are frozen here because at the time they didn’t have the resources to metabolize those experiences. Most of this material is much earlier in life than people realize.
For example, the pain those kids might have about parents divorce or illness. Maybe it gets revealed in therapy
Reality in all its qualities/Being – This is the holy grail of a spiritual life. It is happiness. The love, peace, bliss and so on that characterize Reality and our Being. The false personality blocks the experience of this but it is there and can be accessed if the previous layers are felt through and understood.
For example, sitting at a café or on the beach and you feel good for no reason. Usually it is a peaceful setting (and sometimes the setting is seen as the cause) which allows space for the our being, space for Reality to shine through.
Part II
That was all review. Let’s look at something interesting about these layers of the mind.
Imagine a lake with a mountain in the distance reflected in the lake. It creates mirror image of the mountain. So you now have two mountains, the real one and the fake one.
The five layers of the mind are like that.
The success strategy is a false reflection of Reality and our being.
The losing hustle is a false refection of authentic pain.
The top half or defensive layers and the false emptiness are a reflection of Real or authentic layers below, all the way to Reality and Being which is our very core and link to everything.
This is because the traditional personality is a defensive reflection and substitute for our real experience and our real selves.
Typically, people’s experience of themselves is actually a negative mirror of themselves.
Part III
This starts way before people ordinarily think. This building of a false self, a false relationship blueprint, begins at the earliest point in life. When the infant is being formed by the parent, biologically and experientially.
In the womb, in the first few months of life, and all throughout infancy the child does not take itself to be separate from the parent. In the womb and possibly the first few months of life the child isn’t thinking at all. It is just experiencing. Then thinking and identification begin. But the imbibing of experience has long started.
Character formation actually begins in-utero and in the symbiotic stage of development where the child lives in a “dual unity” (mahler) with the parent, not separate from the parent. Now we can understand that our initial caretaker is of extreme importance in the formation of our selves/relationship blueprint from the very beginning.
Nurture and nature are not ultimately different because we are formed biologically AND experientially before we can even think a single thought.
Let’s look at what pioneering psychologist Margaret Mahler has to say about this dual-unity in the symbiotic stage of development (2-10 months of age).
Within the symbiotic orbit, the two partners or poles of the dyad may be regarded as polarizing the organizational and structuring processes. The structures that derive from this double frame of reference represent a framework to which all experiences have to be related before there are clear and whole representations in the ego of the self and the object world (Jacobson, 1964). Spitz (1965) calls the mother the auxiliary ego of the infant. Similarly, we believe the mothering partner’s holding behavior, her `primary maternal preoccupation’ in Winnicott’s sense (1958), is the symbiotic organizer-the midwife of individuation, of psychological birth.’ – Mahler 1975
So ego identity is seen to originate in this time of undifferentiated dual unity. In fact, the deepest aspects of the personality are seen to go back to this undifferentiated state of the ego. The personality began to be absorbed particularly at that time, between two and ten months of age. We would argue that it goes back even into the womb (as stated above).
The point is that the child exists in the parents mood, in their action patterns, in how much they touch or don’t, their speech patterns, emotional experiences and so on. The child mirrors the parent experientially by virtue of attention. But the infant experiences that mirror image as itself because the infant doesn’t have any concept of separation. The infant associates those experiences with itself. And as identity forms begins more and more to build an identity around those experiences. These experiences start even prior to birth.
In summary, the false personality mirrors the true person and that false personality begins with the infants earliest experience, which are with the parent.
This understanding provides an access for us to much deeper in our Corework. We can go much deeper by free associating and feeling into these deepest layers and noticing our similarity to our parents at the deepest levels of ourselves, regardless if we resist or bury those levels or even act the opposite ways to compensate for them.
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May 29th, 2013
Everyone’s relationship blueprint has multiple depths to it: when things are going well, when they are not, what’s being avoided underneath the defensive layers and so on. We will explore all these layers in order from most superficial to deepest, as well as our Real Selves at the center.
Success strategy – when things are going well, but it is still a compensation for what is felt as missing in oneself and one’s life. This looks like the softy, meany, avoider and inflated ways of being when they are successful and working for the individual. For example, kind, leader, independent, confident… But not really! When a person is existing here they are superficial and “successful”.
We call this the “shiny defense” or the success strategy
Losing hustle – when things are not going well, when the success strategy is not working. One grabs the bad to grab anything. Looks like complaining (no potential mates are ever available, no one loves me, I’m too fat, etc). One gets at least some solid and positive self-sense even though it is pain oriented. It is a last ditch effort to avoid the looming sense of emptiness that underlies the personality. It is ego using authentic pain inauthentically.
We call this the “angry defense” or the losing hustle
Intolerable loss and emptiness – based in beliefs that what one needs is missing (love, care, joy, etc.) These qualities of reality were projected on circumstances and circumstances didn’t come through, so these qualities of reality are felt to be missing. The ego forms around that sense of lack. The super ego (parents incorporated) is the most influential part of the new ego structure. It’s primary job is to keep the individual alive and psychologically organized by avoiding this intolerable loss and emptiness and the death and lack of functional ability that seems to await one here.
Authentic pain – painful, yes, but it always feels good to feel this authentic pain because it is real! Authentic pain can only be felt to the degree that the ego is absent. The experience here is that deep healing feeling and a return to oneself.
Reality in all its qualities – love, bliss, strength, will, clarity, peace, etc. This is reality and our Real Self.
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May 14th, 2013
The personality is in opposition to true nature without understanding it.
Our true nature occurs as a death that is also somehow enticing. This confuses and disturbs the ego. Our True Nature, to the personality, is felt as “not me.” The personality does not like our deepest nature. But the personality is turned away from our Self. What our personality sees is actually itself.
The facts of life: people are whacky, pleasure and pain, triggers, etc. Pinning hopes for happiness on conditions is a mistake. Just enjoy them and suffer them… and take the meaning out!
Interest in truth is the obvious secret.
So what is the practice? How do we deal with the personality?
Hold on to what’s real instead of holding on to the punishing mind, the super ego. The punishing mind is held onto as a mooring, for a sense of self, for a way of looking at things, a perspective or orientation. Instead look to reality.
The mind is held onto because letting go and relaxing feels like one will stop existing. The mind is also held onto because one feels otherwise one will never get done what “needs” to be done, especially to deal with the terrible sense of being alone, unable, etc. One must work, one must think, one must do, one cannot relax, the aloneness, separation, fear, and so on is terrible.
Basically one grabs the sharp scared punishing mind.
Feel Reality moment to moment and be free.
If one let’s go of the managing mind, what is underneath in the shadows can be felt through (the sexual example below give a sample of things felt through).
If you hold on to what’s real, eventually you won’t have to hold on anymore because it’s what’s real and we’re drawn to it for that reason.
And celebrate reality. It’s that good.
Let’s make it concrete
How do you do that during sex?
First you feel what is there… that’s Corework… usually it’s a lot of thoughts and probably some pain or anxiety or anger… basically the personality.
You sense the experience with your body, you feel the experience with your heart, and you let your mind empty out. Things clear up here. We can feel our experience and we can feel Reality in all it’s glorious qualities. People usually do the opposite (they stop feeling the body, start thinking a lot and drive their emotional center crazy!)
From here you engage with the person sexually in this open state of body and mind. You touch them, you talk to them, you apply all of the communication and techniques from the Sex Series.
You will feel what is Real and you’ll feel the rest of your experience. Let’s both be… Reality will win!
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May 9th, 2013
We will overview the complete teaching from the perspective of the development of a human being.
As evolution progresses from plants to amoeba to crocodile to dog to human each has a different lens through which to view its life. The human being can self reflect, and distinguish the lens for the perceptive mechanism.
Therefore human beings can appreciate being. They can appreciate their true nature and the true nature or essence of everything.
Yet a variety of philosophers, thinkers, and mystics as well as spiritual practitioners, have said that being human is merely a bridge or a possibility, basically that being human is on only half-baked. That although a human being can self reflect and perceive and experience it’s true nature that this is rarely done. That a human being rarely completes itself.
Development of a human being is often not achieved but it can be.
Let’s look at the development of a human being from infancy to full maturity. In the first few months of life the child is a primal instinctual self totally connected to being, experiencing itself as being and yet driven by its instincts to survive. If the child’s needs are not met the ego shell will begin to form in a fearful hungry and animalistic way.
Then as the child enters the differentiating sub phase of development, where it differentiates from its mother, it will begin to have a sense of self-reflection, and a sense of itself. If the child is not well tended to at this point the ego show tends to develop in a very self-centered way. Narcissism classically starts at this stage.
As the child continues its development it begins practicing it’s new physical and mental abilities. Becoming more and more of a rounded individual. It goes through periods of attempting to reemerge with the mother. If all of this goes well then the child’s individuality and personality develops well. If this does not go well the ego shell tends to form a distorted personality. Of course problems in prior stages are reflected in later stages.
By the age of four or five the child has gender recognition and enters what is known as the Oedipal phase. If this goes well the child’s gender sense begins to develop well. If this does not go well then the child will develop difficulties with its gender sense and this will have lasting repercussions in self-image and romantic relationship later.
There are several other phases of cognitive development but we will zoom ahead to puberty because this is a crucial stage where the child’s gender sense completes itself. A type of ego structure can form here that either reflects a healthy gender sense and sexual life or an unhealthy gender sense and sexual life.
By the age of about 16 a human being has fulfilled the fundamental phases of biological development.
What we can see here is that as a human being develops there is the opportunity for a fully rounded human being to come into being. This is natural development. Of course there are many distortions that happen for each of us. But by understanding our development we regain access to our true selves, which includes a sexual self.
It is a lusty life. I like to call it the wisdom of teenagers where passionate and sexual life is embraced instead of suppressed and discarded.
Being loves sex.
A complete human being is a spiritual personal sexual being.
That’s real life.
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May 9th, 2013
Last week we discussed Reality or our true nature as what is most basic in us, most essential in us… our being.
Over time we have examined various qualities of Reality: it’s realness and existence, the spaciousness and peace of reality, it’s infiniteness, love, peace, joy, and so on.
Babies are completely in touch with their being, with their true nature. They are being, they experience themselves as being, without being consciously aware of that fact. It simply is that way for them.
Babies are out of touch with circumstances. They don’t understand them at all. They can’t function without their mother’s total care.
The child cannot distinguish the true nature of reality from its surface manifestation, it’s circumstances.
He equates the surface with the depth.
The child loses his trust of reality because as he experiences difficulties and in his young life he equates those pains with the depth of reality not merely its surface manifestation of circumstance.
For example, if the child is rejected, or not fed properly, or enmeshed, or left alone too much, and so on, he will associate all of that with Reality itself. Instead of understanding that his circumstances were simply not ideal.
Circumstances are never ideal, difficulties happen to every baby in greater or lesser degree… that doesn’t mean anything about Reality itself.
When difficulties arise he becomes defensive to survive and develop. That defensiveness gets applied to Life itself… God, Being, Reality, not just the difficult circumstances that life inevitably entails.
He becomes cautious, fearful, strategical, avoidant, even opposed to Reality because he can’t distinguish that the depth (Reality in its essence) remains trustworthy. He projects the surface onto the depth.
As he becomes defensive against the whole he experiences himself as more and more separate from the whole… more alone. He loses his initial identity as the whole and becomes the defensiveness. He identifies with the avoidant, hostile, strategical, inflated patterning that helped him survive.
Through identification with this relationship blueprint he becomes further and further disassociated with all the qualities of Reality… peace, joy, and so on.
If true understanding of the nature of Reality, our essential nature, our true nature, blossoms then defensiveness is not required. Only discernment is required to see that the surface is not the depth.
One begins to understand that whatever difficulty arises is a surface temporary manifestation of Reality and that Reality itself is whole, complete, love, etc. He did not have this discerning capacity as a child.
His parents mistreatment or any difficulty in relationship or problem with his surroundings or body, etc. are merely the surface of Reality, not its true nature, not his true nature.
He learns to take them in stride… and not make them mean anything about life itself or about himself, ultimately. He is free to enjoy life, to enjoy being, to be being, to be what he is, in all it’s fullness.
Any yes, he still has to deal with the comforts and discomforts of life… but they don’t hold the meaning they did.
Self-development is a process of regaining trust in Reality, which involves seeing circumstances and one’s blueprint (ego, etc.) for what they are… survival strategies based in the assumptions of a child.
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May 9th, 2013
Actual life. The one that is happening. What is really happening? Being is happening. Being means existence… is realness. Something being.
Realness is the highest, most subtle, ultimately it is not even a dimension, it is the nature, the actual existence of everything. You can feel it now, substantially…
Being is not body, heart or mind (but includes them).
Being is our true nature, the deepest, most real part of ourselves. It is a category of experience usually overlooked, but is actually our core.
In this series we’ll explore our deepest nature as well as what is real for us experientially at the level of body, heart and mind.
At the level of body, heart and mind, one of the things we find REALLY going on for people are relationship issues, repetitions patterns.
I don’t mean theoretically… I don’t even mean in the future or the past…
A person’s blueprint for life has a relationship blueprint right at the center, which includes one’s sense of self (self identity) and sense of other (superego, modeled primarily on the mother and early caregivers)
The super ego is the designer, the handler, the inner parent, the survival program. It seems to be god speaking.
The self-identity is split into 2 parts
1. Deflated
2. Defensive
The deflated part is the wounded part of us… ignored…. hurt… sad… scared… and so on.
The defensive part aims to protect us from others, from the super ego, from certain emotions and experiences.
The four primary themes that the defensive shell of the self identity forms around are:
1. Inflated (narcissistic)
2. Mean (anti-social, controlling, etc.)
3. Soft (capitulating, enmeshed, lack of center)
4. Avoidant (schizoid)
Everyone uses all 4, but their identity usually has a preferred method which can be hard to distinguish for them because reality just seems that way (others are less than, others need to be avoided, etc.)
Although things going on at the mind/heart (and to a lesser degree body) level are less real, they still are real to us and must be dealt with. This facilitates openness to Being and Reality because we don’t get caught in those mind/heart/blueprint stories if they are not there.
At the same time Being/Reality can is always present and accessible because it is another category of experience
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May 9th, 2013
In this section, we are going over what is a DO date and how it works in detail Everything we discuss is applicable to other sex acts so its incredibly useful to know how to take somebody on a ride, to know about pausing and peaking, sensation, and, of course, orgasm. All of those apply to oral sex, intercourse, and so on.
So what is a DO date? ” A do date is a practice of deliberate orgasm where, most often, the man sits alongside the woman as she lies down with her legs open. He uses his hands and fingers to touch and stroke her all over from her belly to her toes while husbanding their shared awareness and attention and his touch on her clitoris. A DO date might last ten minutes or an hour and has a dome shape. Up and then down to the sensation with multiple ripple peaks along the way.”
It’s really a great quote because it shows what manual stimulation can be, that our hands are sex organs and you can manipulate someone else’s nervous system more adeptly and more precisely with the organ of your body that is the most adept and precise, whether you are a man or a woman, and that is your hands.
Taking the most dexterous part, your hands and putting your index finger on her most sensitive spot gradually going from the whole body towards that spot like a focal point, enables a dome shape experience of going higher and higher and brings greater and greater sensations. If our minds are open and our nerve endings are reaching out, and we are practicing the whole practice of orgasm and pushing out and feeling and so on we can spend a significant amount of time in that dome above the line of orgasm even in the first stroke.
During the first stroke or even before the first stroke being in a state of orgasm is really the sign of someone that is at an expert level of orgasm ability.
I will just describe a man doing a woman (a woman can do this to a man too. She would, of course, be stroking his cock.)
The man sits by her side and puts one leg over her abdomen and one leg under her legs. Equally useful, and sometimes easier, the man sits cross-legged by a woman’s side. So both of his hands have access to her genitals and he is sitting on her right side so that his right hand can cup under her ass and he can use his thumb right on her perineum and he can use his left hand to come right over her pubic mound and have his index finger curl around right into her upper left hand quadrant, the most sensitive part of a woman’s genitals.
The thumb of the right hand is grounding. There is medium heavy pressure with that right thumb on her perineum. The left index finger is the finger that is stroking the clitoris, typically with a shorter stroke. In general, the stroke should be a lot lighter than what most people do when they stroke themselves or someone else. The sensation on a man’s finger will often feel like a magnet pulled towards the most sensitive spot if he has his full attention on his finger and what he is feeling. That’s really the place that you should have your attention – that point of contact. For the man, his attention should be on his finger. For the woman, on the spot of contact between her clitoris and his finger. One person is feeling that point intensely and one person is feeling the other person feel the other side of that point so in effect both people have both experiences of cause and effect, how the doer experiences orgasm and how the receiver experiences being touched.
Now again a woman can sit up by a man’s side and everything can flow the other way, generally better to do a woman first. The connection between the partners is absolutely crucial for all sex acts. That’s what sex is. Sex is connection and communication is inside of connection.
Now one of the first things we said in this series on sex, we said that getting on a woman’s spot, her most sensitive spot on her body, is absolutely critical and crucial and makes an enormous difference in sex. If you take a woman’s sex, a woman’s pussy out of sex, you don’t have much sex left. So stroking a woman’s clitoris really is key.
Ideally the stroke should be about 1/16th of an inch, sometimes 1/8 of an inch. Her clitoris will enlarge as the DO date progresses but that is the most important aspects of DOing a woman: the short stroke right on the most sensitive part of her clitoris. You can see that is much more precise, much more specific than we usually go about it. So to get ourselves over the orgasm line we are going to create a lot more sensation on a woman’s pussy; a lot more sensation on her clitoris and a lot more sensation on the most sensitive spot.
The Flow of a DO date.
Let’s break it up into concrete steps if you will.
Get into position on a woman’s right side. I recommend one hand on the heart and one hand on the abdomen and take a minute or two there to relax and to breathe and to feel the music between you. Take that moment to connect, I really recommend that.
Start a gradual massage on her legs. This will relax her. There is a lot of anticipation and nervousness. You might be nervous – many people are. So massaging the person is a great thing to do after connecting. Kind of slow, relaxed, deep strokes on her legs. That brings her down; it calms things. It’s actually going to create a bigger ride because at first we ground and then we go up. We get more out of it doing it this way.
Talk is the third thing. Keep talking throughout, especially as the DOer. Tell her what you are doing, what you are about to do, how good it feels to your hands. As the cummer, don’t be afraid to acknowledge how it feels. The more they feel how they are pleasuring you and know that they get, the more into it they are going to be, the more pleasure the doer will get out of it. So don’t hesitate either way to communicate.
Next, the doer should take a DO towel (washcloth) and put it underneath her and have some lube nearby. The DO towel is really just to protect your sheets because lube is messy. Always use lubricant because with any clitoral stroking you want to do it for a while and lubricant makes that possible. Also putting that lube towel under her, that will peak the date. It will bring the sex energy back.
Then bring your hands in a circular motion around her upper leg and her abdomen and mound and so on towards her sex, using her sex as a focal point. It’s kind of like teasing.
From there, the right hand fingers are going to go underneath her ass (ask her to lift up a bit for you) and the right thumb on her perineum, it’s the grounding hand. She’ll feel as if you’ve really got her; you have got the whole base of her torso.
Then you are going to start clitoral stroking. The left index finger curls around and comes from above and goes right on to her inner lips and curls up her inner lips and lands on her clitoris and up towards that left hand quadrant of her clitoris.
From there, there is stroking. You are bringing your partner up and down, generally the stroke is a lot shorter. If you lighten the stroke you will tend to bring the person up and you want to keep a regular rhythm going.
Eventually, you want to bring the person down, you want to gradually increase the pressure of the stroke and then switch off of her clitoris to more of a penetration with your fingers or your thumb into her introitus, which is the opening of the vaginal canal. You are bringing her down with that increased pressure and increased slowness. You want to bring her down the other side of the peak.
Once she has come down significantly, you are powerfully going to wrap the DO date up. You can towel her off and then towel your hands off and maybe end with your hands on her abdomen and heart they way you started. It’s a really nice way to reconnect afterwards.
So that is the general flow of a DO date. It’s okay if it feels awkward at first. It takes some practice. But I guarantee if you stay present, stay focused on where your hand is (DOer) and what you are feeling (person receiving), you will have an amazing experience. You’ll get the hang of it quickly and will be well on your way to giving and experiencing extended orgasm.
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May 9th, 2013
Orgasm is such a hot topic. People are obsessed with orgasms. As we all know they’re really fun.
The clinical definition of orgasm is based on 12 signs of orgasms. The most definitive of those signs is involuntary contractions in the genitals. That is the dominant sign of orgasm.
There are some other signs. For example: involuntary contractions in the abdomen called abdominal ridging; darkness around the eyes, that’s called the pregnancy mask; engorgement of the erectile tissues like the genitals, the nipples, the lips.; flushing in the cheek and the chest; Increased heart rate, etc.
Most of the other signs, increased heart rate and flushing and so on mostly just happen when we are excited. But the involuntary contractions in the genitals are really the definitive sign of orgasm.
Typically how that goes in a peak type of orgasm that most people mean or are referring to when they say orgasm is 9-12 contractions for women and 6-9 contractions for men. So it’s pretty short. It’s 5 to 15 seconds, so pretty short.
Now we would add that a sense of release is required. One really has to experience release which is a 13th sign of orgasm. But you really can’t measure that – it’s more of an internal kind of experience. It’s really important. Most people like it because it wipes the mind clean. So it’s spiritual, it’s physical, it’s emotional. It crosses many dimensions of our being. It’s a very powerful experience. The body discharges and releases. The emotions release. The mind releases. Typically we feel a lot better afterwards.
Now…Extended, Full body orgasm. How do you extend the orgasm so its not just 9 to 12 contractions but maybe its 20 contractions or 30 contractions or 3 minutes long or 5 minutes or 15 or 20 minutes long?
Basically you want to arrive at that level of excitation that we call the orgasm level where there is enough excitation in the body that the body starts to involuntarily release.
The orgasm will get bigger and bigger and will bypass the intensity of traditional peak orgasm and the extended full body orgasm will actually become more intense. The contractions will be bigger and fuller. The release will be bigger. The emotional release and all of the things we love about orgasm will all be there, they will just be a lot bigger because we have arrived at the orgasm line, with a relaxed body and mind.
We arrive there with a pleasure orientation instead of a goal orientation so the body is able to stay in that state. The slope, the incline of intensity is going up more gradually so we can stay with it longer. So instead of 5 or 10 contractions or whatever, the measure increases until we have to measure it in time.
That is the bottom line with how to extend orgasm in time. We arrive at the level of sensitivity required for orgasm with a relaxed body. And then how to have a full body orgasm is to push the energy out through the hands and the feet. The best way to do that is to spread the fingers and the toes, especially the toes. That will really push the sensation throughout the body. It will be centered in the genitals but it will really push it throughout the body. In fact you will feel it not only throughout your body but also around your body. The genitals will also be lightly pushed out because they are not contracted. It is the opposite of a kegel. Instead of them being contracted like a kegel, they are pushed out like you are having a baby or you are bearing down and that’s the muscle in a relaxed form.
So what you can see is that it is a very surrendered state to be in but it is also a very active state. We call it active surrender. It’s not tension and control, but its also not laying there passively and the other person is touching us and we are laying there like a corpse. Its relaxed but its also activated, its kind of like the nerve endings are reaching.
You have to practice it and play with it a little bit and then you go “oh wow I see when I relax a little bit and push out my genitals all of a sudden involuntarily move once I get past a certain sensation. Pushing it through my hands and my feet really spreads it throughout my body. Wow, ok I’ve got it.” You get kind of a knack for it.
We train people all the time in the sensuality expansion program and the paradise vacation course. Often when we are training people in the sensuality expansion program there is a moment when they go “I got it.” They get the hang of it and it is great, its kind of like a big “Ah hah.”
With the full body extended orgasm it is important to come down gradually because we bring ourselves up so high. Spend some time slowing it down and increasing pressure, slowly bringing yourself and your partner down below the orgasm line. (Otherwise you will leave yourself too high and then your body will come down and do something like bang into a wall or eat 2 pints of Ben and Jerry’s.) Bring yourself and your partner down so you feel ready to function for the rest of your day.
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May 9th, 2013
Now the next topic relates to sex in general and relates very strongly to masculine and feminine dynamics and especially the effect that woman can have on men and other people around her and on herself. That heat that generates in a woman’s body, that yummy turn on, that sexual energy is called “tumescence.” If that turn-on is not gratified, ultimately in the form of orgasm, it tends to get edgy, she can get tense. Tumescence is sexual excitation. Both sexes are in a cycle of sexual excitation all the time, more or less. It starts in women’s bodies but men feel it also because we are responding to that. If I’m around a woman who is turned on, I get turned on. Men get turned on when they are around a woman who is turned on. Similarly, if I’m around a woman that is turned on but hasn’t been gratified, just like she is tense, I get tense.
Also just like unsexed women can be tense, unsexed males tend to be dull. They are generally referred to as less interesting by women and, often, by their male friends. When a woman’s attention is on a guy he gets a charged-up sense about him – that tends to make him more interesting.
Tumescence or (sexual energy) has strong social implications. It’s often what drives social interactions. It plays a vast role with what’s going on socially between people even though people often do not confront it or simply aren’t aware of it. A simple example is a party where people are turned on is generally referred to as a better party. So it has a bigger effect than people often realize.
Another example is after a great sex act, things that were a problem before, like the bills or maybe a friend made a comment that was bothering you or whatever. After a great sex act those issues often seem less important. Typically the tumescence is the real driver with how we were feeling. We were upset about the bill or the comment the friend made, but really it was the underlying angst or tension that was causing us to feel tense or some other intense emotion. It’s very important to discharge that sexual tension, it’s important for our sanity. So orgasm, or extended orgasm is really important for our psychological well-being.
Sometimes we resist pleasure, we resist sex, we resist feeling. Resistance is a withdrawal from experience and sensation because of some type of fear. Sex and sexual energy can bring up a lot of resistance with people because we associate sex with things like losing control or shame or being overwhelmed. Sex can be such an intense form of intimacy. And most of us have intimacy issues.
Another common form of resistance is to non-confront and not experience. It is a type of non-confrontation, it is withdrawal and sometimes that goes to the extent of blowing out, or going numb. If you are about to blow out just change something, peak her, do something different so that you come back, bring it down a little bit.
Fantasy is another common form of resistance especially during sex. Excessive fantasy or fantasizing and not telling your partner will temporarily increase turn on and quiet down fears and concerns that come up because you are removing yourself. Ultimately it removes us from our partner and from the sensual experience with them. When we return to the present moment it is usually with a decrease in sexual excitation. So a little playful fantasy, if you discuss it with your partner, can be fun. Excessive fantasy if you are not telling your partner will usually not work.
How to deal with resistance. To deal with resistance, feel into our experience in an engaged way. Do moment-to-moment core work (meditation) to overcome resistance. The goal is to really feel what’s going on, to move toward the sensation. That’s the best way to overcome resistance; lean in to the intensity. That especially applies to sex whether you are a DOer or receiver. And of course when it’s too intense and you can’t lean into it then take a little break, take a pause from your stroke, ask to come down, or take a break for a minute to have a sip of your water, or something like that. Bring it down a little bit. By peaking you will find that you can keep going and, when you’re ready, bring it up to even higher heights and overcome that resistance.
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May 9th, 2013
The roles of Cause and Effect (or DOer and DO-ie) are extremely useful and worth perfecting. It means both people’s attention is focused on one person’s pleasure and that’s pleasurable for both people. It does not mean one person pleasures the other person and then sacrifices and compromises and then they switch roles. The roles do switch back and fourth, but the point is: whether you are giving or receiving pleasure, it is pleasurable for both.
In the role of cause it’s very important to be clear, and even commanding. Whether you are fucking the other person or manually stimulating them, be in command of the situation, be in charge. The biggest mistake that can be made from the position of cause is to be tentative. If you don’t know what you are doing just act like you do. That allows the other person (at Effect) to feel relaxed. If somebody is being done, they really want you to be in charge.
In the role of Effect (receiver), the more you feel and respond, the better, smarter and more nuanced the lover (DOer) becomes. So, if you want people to DO you better then be more responsive.
So if you are cause, keep your full attention on where your partner is at. How are they responding? Are they going up, are they going down, are they getting more turned on, are they getting less turned on, are they numbing out.
The best way to play the role of effect (receiver) is to have everything that your DOer is doing be right and great. Approve of it; be in agreement with it. Then you’ll have a good time. You can make a request, you can say, “wow, I love your hands on me would you use a little less pressure.” You don’t have to go negative to change something. Stay in approval, stay in the viewpoint that it’s right and then give them an instruction or a request.
Here we use male for cause and female for affect because generally females like to receive pleasure more. They like to be in the role of being done to but of course sometimes they want to be cause and it switches up but usually they like to receive, at least at first, in the sex act. So, that’s really a key piece in the masculine and feminine dynamic. In pleasure, women really like to go first. So, when I describe masculine and feminine dynamics, I’m going to describe what holds true for most people, the male being in the masculine role and the female being in the feminine role.
Great sex is a function of a man’s ability to put attention on a woman and pleasure her and her ability to surrender to being pleasured. That doesn’t mean being passive and it certainly doesn’t mean she can’t make a request if she wants something to change.
Pleasure/Sex flows best from man to woman and the reason is that in all mammal species, females carry the heat and males respond to that. Basically if she is turned on then he is turned on. Pleasure the gender that carries the heat. It gets tricky because females not only emit turn-on and carry the heat but they also respond to other women’s turn-on. So females have “call” and response and males only have response, at least in terms of heat and turn-on generated from within our bodies. So if she is turned on and well pleasured she naturally desires to pleasure him. Most men would do well to understand that her sexual pleasure is access to his sexual pleasure.
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May 9th, 2013
Having good sex requires experiencing reality directly or at least less inhibited. But the closer we are to experiencing reality directly the better that sex is going to be. Sex is not a mental experience; rather it’s a direct physical experience of our bodies and life’s energy, especially of sexual energy. We are often in our heads – the more we are in our heads the less great the sex act is going to be. The more physical experience, the more we are in our bodies, the better the sex act is going to be.
So the best way to have sex is with a clear state of mind, where we realize our perfection. We realize our perfection, we realize the perfection of the other person, we get rid of all of our judgments, we get out of the grip of our super ego, the hands of our constant critic, our controller.
Alicia and I teach an advanced course called the Sensuality Expansion Program™ – a 10-day, retreat-style intensive training of extended orgasm. We start that training with a process called The Resolution. This is where a person feels through all of their conditioning, everything that inhibits them from being present in the moment. They learn to make a choice to feel beyond that. It’s not necessarily that in a day or two that the resolution happens or their whole past disappears, and everything is totally gone. But they learn to step outside of it so they can really be present during a sex act.
Having a clear mind is the most important thing in having a great sex life and people often don’t know that. That’s why we are starting this series with this information and it’s why we cover our relationship blueprint on the first day of the Pleasure Course.
We all like to have sex. We don’t need to be perfectly enlightened buddhas to go have sex. We can learn to feel through what comes up immediately and vividly sense our bodies and have great sex.
Committing to an extraordinary romantic relationship and an eternal date is really what we are all at; getting into one or having our current relationship be great. Or really even simple interest in the opposite sex even if it’s for a one night stand or something, all of that requires confronting sex directly. Sex is a fundamental part of man and woman dynamics. Sex is a fundamental part of an eternal date. Sex is a fundamental part of picking someone up. All of that requires confronting sex directly. Sex is a very here-and-now kind of experience. It’s a very in-your-body kind of experience. Reality is much more enjoyable than fantasy, ultimately. With reality, one feels high, one feels open.
After state of mind, communication is the most important aspect of sex. As we know, as human beings, we all have communication issues. Just like state of mind brings up our blueprint, communication brings up interpersonal parts of our blueprint. Communication could be anything from difficulty asking for exactly what we want, to difficulty being assertive to really any communication issue at all. Sometimes just vocalizing can be difficult for people.
So again clearing out our blueprint, feeling through it, feeling it through our body, gives us all kinds of capacities not only to be present but also to communicate. As our blueprints and communication patterns clear out, communication during sex will tend to become more and more specific and more and more concrete about what is immediately happening in a sex act, it gets less and less abstract, less and less disembodied. The communication becomes about this stroke, this touch and this pressure, and ‘oh my god this feels really good’ and ‘would you touch me there’ and so on. It becomes more and more embodied and more sensual, sensual is the perfect word for that. Telling the truth is the most simple aspect of communication. Good communication is true. Bad communication is not true.
Communication and approval go together and are the same thing when we have a clear open state of mind. When we have a clear open state of mind and we are telling the truth we are being loving and being approving even if it’s something a little difficult to say. Maybe somebody is touching us and using too much pressure and we think its a little uncomfortable and we have that clear open state of mind. We would ask the person to lighten the touch but we would do so in a loving way. We might say, “Wow I love that your hand is on my body, would you lighten your touch?” and then they lighten their touch and then you say, “Oh wow that feels even better.” And if we want them to lighten it again we say “thank you for lightening your touch that feels better, would you mind lightening it even more?” and they lighten it a little more and now you say “I feel like I’m floating. This really feels great, you are getting the pressure that works for me.” That’s an example of a communication cycle. You would obviously use your own words and say it in a way that feels natural.
Communicating what you are about to do during sex is also very important. You can use communication to build anticipation that will also provide a sense of safety to the other person. If you say “I’m going to put my hand on your belly now,” you build some anticipation and when you put your hand on their belly there is no surprise. So it connects us, it’s a great tool. Now if you are pleasuring someone, communicating what you are doing will guide the person’s attention to where you are touching. So if you are pleasuring someone and you tell them what you are doing you are taking control of their attention and you are putting it on that spot. That is the most important part of pleasuring somebody. It’s not having some kind of magical touch, there are some important things about touch and we will get to that. But really if you are pleasuring someone, it’s managing their attention, it’s doing their attention, it’s doing their head that is the most important. If you are pleasuring someone, communicating what you are doing will guide the person’s attention to where you are touching. That is a priceless tool. We could do a whole topic of that.
Mouth closed, silence, not saying anything really doesn’t work well for sex and especially doesn’t work if you are pleasuring someone else. They don’t know what you are doing or their attention might wander. There is the disconnection in all of that.
For the receiver of pleasure, communicating how you are feeling verbally with sound, maybe moaning or saying something like “that spot feels really good right there” or “that’s the perfect pressure.” That gives the person that is pleasuring you (the Doer) reality or certainty about what’s happening. It tells them “I sensed that this person liked this and now I really know that they liked this.” They get reality on it. They get confirmation on it.
Of course, if you don’t tell the truth, if you fake orgasm or lie about what you are feeling, that it is totally confusing to the person who is doing the pleasuring. If you are faking it, the person that is pleasuring is getting the wrong message and it confuses them, it misleads them, it makes the pleasurer a worst sexer. When you tell the truth, ask for what feels good and respond, they learn to feel you better. They become better sexers. So communication gives reality to the DOer.
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November 12th, 2012
People think that the Absolute as a state or realization or living somehow involves no sensation, no feeling, in other words no experience. This is the usual view of realization or enlightenment. But the Absolute realized, as a living state is the total opposite.
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It is total sensation, uninhibited sensation. There is no filter to sensation. Experience is not filtered through the blueprint of one’s ego. The repetitiveness, the sense of suffering, an image of oneself always at the center of experience, and so on… all these things are gone.
Experience is pure, direct, unfiltered. One result is that the mental component of experience is severely diminished. Another is that experience is new. The qualities of being are present, and so on. But the aspect of feeling that I would like to focus on primarily tonight is that sensation is greatly increased. |
The greater the realization of the absolute is integrated into living the greater the degree of sensation. Physical feeling is dramatically increased.
This works wonders for sex and will prepare us for next weeks Sensuality Research Pool and Demonstration of Extended Orgasm.
Part of what is happening is that you switch into a mode of perceiving your experience instead of conceiving about your experience. Perceiving experience unwinds it, clarifies it, and so on… Consciousness “works” on it.
Perceiving your experience is the practice of corework. Access and understanding are there.
While perceiving your experience, sometimes you perceive part of your blueprint, but you understand this. In fact, this is almost always the case. But because you are perceiving it realness is there, clarity is there, even understanding blossoms there. Since you are perceiving, you are still experiencing truth.
Sometimes and eventually you experience more and more direct reality minus mental filtration. But this is not the goal.
The goal is now simply perceiving things as they are.
Tags: Being, better sex, DOing, enlightenment, Personal Growth, sexual pleasure
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October 16th, 2012
The first 2-3 years of life are so formative that the most fundamental and elementary ways that someone experiences and interacts with the world are set. Personality changes throughout life, but less and less so. How the child deals with separation from the mother and his or her own sense of self lays a foundation for all later development.
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What qualities of being are required to move through the stages of development for the first 2-3 years of life? And what happens when some of these qualities are not fully present?
Basically, according to depth psychology the infant starts on a ‘merged with the mother state’ for the first 6 months or so. From there the baby begins a process of separating and individuating from the mother until 2-3 years old. |
The merged state that the child starts with is like a childhood enlightenment. There is little sense of difference or separation. It has a blissful quality that is sometimes interrupted by physical and emotional needs. How these needs are dealt with sets an initial and immediate sense of how the world is basically or bodily. Safe, nourishing or not, at a very basic or bodily level.
The dominant quality and the quality required in this early stage is a type of blended merged love, where the mother’s psyche and body are shared with the infant. This makes entry into the world of conditions safe, gradual and generally pleasant.
If this merged love is not present or infrequently present or somehow dimmed then the baby will experience and begin to perceive the world in a less safe and positive way at the deep level of the body.
Next the child begins to differentiate themselves from the mother. The quality of strength is key here because he/she is separating themselves from the merged mother. Strength slowly begins to take over as the primary quality of experience, instead of the merged type of love. Ideally this is not strength in a contracted form, rather it is a bright uplifting yet relaxed feeling of capability.
If the merged state did not go well (needs were not met) then it is likely that ego has already taken on a more rigid and defensive structure. This naturally blocks out the natural feelings of goodness of reality because the child is more self focused toward a false self. It also sets the stage for the strength, which is needed to differentiate, to arise in an ‘egoic condition’. Additionally, trauma at this differentiation stage can cause the more rigid, being-blocking form of ego. Trauma at these early periods is particularly damaging for obvious reasons. Fundamental issues (around separation, survival, etc.) can centralize themselves in the blueprint for living which is being formed!
But let’s assume things go ideally in the merged state and differentiation happens ideally; the baby feels strong, able and happy. The next stage involves experiencing limitation, the limitations of his/her little body in the conditional world. If the mother, and to a lesser degree the father (most commonly) deals with the child’s attempt to remerge in a healthy supportive way, that both loves the child but encourages them to venture out strongly, then a quality of strength and ability will be added to a quality of merged safe love at the deep level of body.
If the attempt to remerge is not dealt with well the child will end up too merged with the parent or too separate and independent. If the parent clings to the child the child will stay more merged. If the parent rejects the child, then the child will be more separate. In either case the love quality of being or the strength quality of being is diminished to a type of enmeshment or separateness. In a typical “softy” or “meany” personality style.
Next the child individualizes and develops their own sense of individuality and personality. The primary quality here is individuality. This individuality is not based on egoic separateness ideally, but instead forms a unique personality that is fully connected to being. Any number of things can happen in this stage and cause the personality to become more contracted and further away from being. The contracted form of the individuality quality is something like the personality of ego (often called the false self).
Around four years old the child enters an Oedipal phase where each child develops a sense of their ‘boyness’ or ‘girlness’ and what this means. The child develops the ability to polarize love, and years later to romanticize love. This is furthered by the biological development. Freud was absolutely correct that a sexual self sense begins to form when a child realizes their gender and begins to integrate it into their personality. This sexual self sense, unless addressed, will underlie all romantic connections to follow. Of course, it will change and further events will influence one’s romantic ability, but one’s basic sense of one’s gender will underlie all of that.
Strength and love, as well as many other qualities become enhanced by these gender developments if they go well. Ideally the child has received the environmental support necessary to move through these stages while maintaining a connection to Being. In which case, one’s identity is in being, one’s individuality is an alive vibrant personality not a separateness, and one’s gender sense adds a thrill to life instead of some type of obsession or problem.
Tags: blueprint, enlightenment, Health, openness, Personal Growth, self-esteem, success
Posted in Health, Personal Growth, Realization, Romantic Blueprint | 3 Comments »
October 16th, 2012
Reality has fundamental qualities. When we are experiencing reality it feels any number of ways. For example we may feel clarity, or peace, or strength, or joy, but it is clear that we are experiencing reality. There is a fullness, unity, a fulfillment, ultimately a realness to the experience.
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Reality does not come in a negative form. All of the qualities, which we listed, are somehow positive or what we might consider good. They are actually beyond good, they are real. Actually real, not something theoretical.
Negative qualities, on the other hand, are contracted forms of reality. They all are the qualities of reality filtered through the ego or one’s blueprint. So all kinds of prejudices and preferences impact the experience of that quality, but the largest impact is that the quality is experienced along with a limited self sense. Or ego identity. Or sense of “me”. |
Let’s look at several qualities as they are in their pure form and how we normally experience them so that we can observe the contrast between the pure or direct experience of reality and a contracted form of reality. As well as, notice what stands in between.
Strength for example is a quality of reality. We experience reality through a quality of strength when that quality is needed or most appropriate to the situation. Strength is a feeling of physical and emotional ability. It is a feeling of being capable, a pulsing sense of energy throughout the body, yet calm. It has a bright and awake quality but it is not sharp. It is not still or moving but rather pulsing. Strength has an expansive feeling in the body, especially in the chest.
Strength as we usually experience it is more like tightness or tension. More like a type of hardness, or going against something. It has the quality of conflict. This is because it is experienced along with a “self”. For example, “I feel strong” “he’s so strong “. These examples and how we usually experience strength usually involve an “I” sense which gives a contracted, separate, and negative undertone to the experience.
Clarity is a quality of reality that feels expansive but is located more in the skull, like a very subtle pleasant buzzing in the brain. It feels like being able to see forever and everything. It is a sense of omniscience, which is very relaxed. It is the ability to see and understand and know. Clarity has a very bright awake experience in the body but is deeply calm. Still. Silent.
How do we normally experience clarity? Yes it has some of the above traits but is more like feeling clear about something or me being clear. Or me being unclear. There is some kind of tension between clear and unclear, some kind of opposition, duality because it is experienced along with a sense of limitation. Similar to how the normal experience of strength always involves some type of weakness, or resistance to weakness, etc. This is the ego or the blueprint.
Real clarity as a quality of being has no opposite and no sense of opposite. There is simply clarity. Clarity as it is normally experienced always involves a positive pole and a negative pole. Even the positive pole of a contracted quality is still contracted. Real qualities of reality simply are, they have no opposite.
The quality of being merged or blended with everything is a fundamental quality of reality. This quality is so all consuming that there is no self-defense in it. It is almost more like a dimension than a quality because it is so all pervasive. People yearn for but also fear this experience. Infant experience a great deal of being merged with everything.
Merged in an ordinary sense, how we normally experience it, is more like losing one’s individuality. Being engulfed by something or losing oneself in somebody or something else. It is normally experienced as more of a type of enmeshment. People fear the enmeshment because there’s a lack of direct knowing and understanding of the merged experience. “We merged” etc. There is something tight in even that statement when it is the normal everyday contracted form of merging. There is something about this seemingly positive statement that is subtly distasteful.
You get the idea. Any quality, for example the sensual or sensuous qualities of reality, can be experienced through an “I” filter or experienced directly as what they are. Real sensuality is a physically alive and vibrant experience, but sensuality paired with the ego brings an immediate sense of tightness to the body. You can look at “will”, you can look at “love”, you can look at any fundamental experience that a human being has and determine how clearly reality is shining through by examining the level of contraction of the quality.
Tags: Being, blueprint, enlightenment, happiness, Personal Growth
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September 5th, 2012
Corework is experiential inquiry. Either on a topic or into what you are experiencing currently. Even if a topic is chosen, the focus of corework is still your immediate experience.
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Corework unwinds, unblocks and frees up experience by feeling through the layers of experience. From the trigger all the way to happiness and real freedom. This is a spiritual process and goes far beyond simply resolving the issue.
The practice involves feeling into bodily experience, emotional experience and mental experience without thinking about it. This way the underlying material, held in the unconscious, can surface. Body focus and breath focus can be powerful anchors that help one sink into deeper experience without getting lost in thought. |
The typical pattern is: trigger –> issue –> emptiness –> related aspect of being
Almost all the time, almost every human being is triggered by something. Usually we only pay attention to the big ones. But anytime you can feel into your experience and detect some circumstance that is triggering an upset, however large or small. For example, a lingering feeling of resentment based on a comment someone made to you.
Under the trigger is an issue, part of the person’s blueprint that is painful. The trigger has power because of the issue. What is key in Corework is to leave the trigger behind and feel into the issue. This in itself is relieving because you are no longer triggered and you feel you are working on something real, though normally hidden. For example, an underlying issue of being treated unfairly by others.
By inquiring experientially, rather than mentally, into the emotions and their meanings, the issue will begin to dissolve. The issue and it’s related meanings are seen and felt through. They are first experienced as painful but ultimately as unreal. One’s sense of identity, especially around that issue, will also tend to dissolve. For example, the issue of unfairness and the victim identity dissolve.
This usually leaves one feeling empty, sometimes experienced with strong feelings of vacancy or aloneness. This emptiness is the base of the blueprint or ego. It is the human being as mind or blueprint (rather than being). Normally this empty shell or identity as mind is not felt because we are upset and distracted. It is like who you thought you were died and nothing is left. For example, if one is not a victim one feels like no one or nothing.
If you continue the Corework and feel through this empty shell of ego then a sense of being will arise. It will be the expression of being that was blocked by the issue or an expression of being that supports dealing with the issue. Anything from joy to inner strength to a sense of clarity, and so on. Not only is trigger relieved or resolved and the underlying issue unwound to whatever degree, but one is returned to oneself in the deepest sense. For example, a deep sense of compassion for oneself and others arises associated with a sense of oneself as being and presence.
Tags: Being, blueprint, enlightenment, meditation, realization
Posted in Health, Personal Growth, Realization, Romantic Blueprint | 1 Comment »
August 22nd, 2012
Once a relationship reaches a stage where it will continually attain higher and higher peaks of intimacy and sexual attraction it becomes an ‘eternal date’ (a phrase created by the legendary sensuality researcher Victor Baranco). This is the third and final stage of relationship. It is the holy grail of relationships, the real soul-mate relationship that has all the passion, love and intimacy that human beings hope for in romantic connection.
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The theme of the ‘new and exciting’ stage is chemistry and fun. The theme of the ‘best friends & lovers’ stage is deepening connection’. The theme of an ‘eternal date’ is an infinite relationship, unbounded in terms of where it will take the couple romantically. It is the thriving healthy version of a committed relationship or marriage. |
The skill of ‘sweeping/being swept off her feet’ is the transition skill that moves a couple from stage 2 to stage 3. Sometimes people make a lifelong commitment because it is next thing to do, or for tax benefits, or family, or social obligations, and so on. ‘Sweeping/being swept off her feet’ expresses the thrilling masculine feminine polarity possible between two people. The man must be willing the be cause for the woman’s pleasure and the woman must be willing to surrender, as well as be willing to guide him in how to do it. A mind-blowing marriage proposal can be an optimal version of this. It launches the relationship into an eternal or spiritual dimension as the partners bond their lives together.
It is absolutely critical that the skills of the ‘new & exciting’ stage and ‘best friends & lovers’ stage are maintained or the relationship will not become an ‘eternal date’ but will instead become a living arrangement that lacks chemistry, fun, real intimacy and passion. The stages transcend but include the previous stages.
The first skill required once in this stage is ‘commitment’. Each partner must truly be willing and able to put everything in, nothing held back. Commitment is realized as freedom: freedom from endless picking and choosing, freedom from chronic avoidance of intimacy, freedom to trust someone fully and express oneself fully. One is fulfilled by the relationship and experiences this as a freedom to be. ‘Commitment’ ends the search and begins the adventure the same way a master musician or athlete has freedom to really play at the highest levels.
‘Cherishing’ is the next skill required. It is the ability to deeply appreciate someone, to know his or her true worth in your life. Often people don’t realize the real value of their partner until they are forced to, for example because their partner has left or they themselves are approaching death. Knowing the value of your partner and the relationship itself greatly increases the joy and depth experienced. Just like ‘commitment’, trust is required because to cherish someone is to give your heart fully, nothing held back.
The final skill required in an ‘eternal date’ is ‘sexual expertise’. Here, the ‘sex education’ begun in stage 2 has blossomed. The skills of giving and receiving pleasure, creating chemistry, as well as the skills involved in orgasm, especially extended orgasm, have reached a level where the trials and tribulations of family life, work life, well being issues and so on cannot stop the sexual pleasure the partners receive from each other. The skill of ‘sexual expertise’ also means that the couple is reliable at overcoming the inevitable breakdowns or issues that arise in a couple’s sex life. In fact, these issues simply become stepping-stones that the couple uses to take their sex to higher and higher peaks of pleasure.
An ‘eternal date’ launches the relationship into a spiritual dimension the way art or music or sport performed at the highest levels invites those engaged (and even spectators) into a zone beyond the ego and beyond the past. It is “eternal” in it’s depth and limitlessness, and it is a “date” because it is super sexy!
Tags: Committment, communication, dating advice, intimacy, openness, relationship advice, sexual pleasure
Posted in Committment, Having better sex, How to relationship, Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
August 17th, 2012
The second stage of relationship is the best friends and lovers stage. This boyfriend/girlfriend period is the middle game of relationship and each partner is usually considering the other as a potential lifelong partner. We have far fewer partners who reach ‘best friends and lovers’ compared to partners that we date in the ‘new and exciting’ stage. The ‘best friends and lovers’ stage of relationship is the healthy thriving version of the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, just as the ‘new and exciting’ stage is the healthy and thriving version of dating.
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Success with the skills in the first stage of relationship elevates a relationship to the second stage. If someone lacks skills in the first stage or avoids it and jumps straight to stage 2, which is common, the relationship will tend to be dry, lacking excitement and turn on. It is also much less likely to last.
This stage is characterized by a deepening connection and involvement. The transition skill which moves you from ‘new and exciting’ to ‘best friends and lovers’ is the skill of ‘being vulnerable’. |
Approval and honesty are the first skills necessary for this greater depth of relationship. We combine honesty and approval as one skill because real honesty (well delivered) is the ultimate form of approval and vice versa. At the start of a potential relationship people will tend to approve automatically, putting their best foot forth. For the relationship to thrive it must be a skill that each person is reliable to perform under pressure. Honesty or real communication is the basis of a lasting romantic relationship or friendship.
When dating someone, although honesty is important, the relationship is more about fun. Partners generally don’t want to hear your deepest secrets or marriage plans. It simply isn’t appropriate in the ‘new and exciting’ stage. Whereas, as ‘best friends and lovers’ opening up is necessary for the partners to bond.
The second skill of ‘Lifestyle design’ facilitates the logistics of the relationship. Time and space must be created for the blossoming relationship. In the first stage, one is so enthralled that time is made and you don’t see the person that much anyway. As ‘best friends and lovers’ you want to see them much more often. Life must be reconfigured for this. Nowadays, there are so many pulls on people’s time that sometimes relationships don’t stand a chance amidst all the other things there are to do and handle. This is the skill of structuring one’s life to support the relationship and will ultimately end in the partners living together. Even, and sometimes especially, when living together time must be made for being together in a purely enjoyable and pleasurable way.
Some people avoid this redesign of their lives out of avoidance or fear and other’s rush into it way to early out of need and fear of losing there partner. If the relationship progresses stage by stage in a healthy manner there will be a natural timing to these stages that will feel right.
‘Sex education’ is the last crucial skill required at this stage. The free turn on and attraction of the early stage begins to dissipate. The novelty is gone. You are really getting to know the other person, good and bad. If each develops sexual skills around giving and receiving pleasure, creating turn on in themselves and their partner, and the skills involved in orgasm (especially extended orgasm), then the sexual and romantic connection will reach new heights far beyond the original honeymoon period. The alternative is that the romantic and sexual connection dies down, usually causing the end of the relationship as partners look for “someone they have better chemistry with”.
Tags: approval, communication, honesty, intimacy, openness, relationship advice, sexual pleasure, vulnerability
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August 11th, 2012
There are few things people enjoy as much as the new and exciting phase of relationship. It is a time of dazzling fun and falling in love. The mood is uplifted inspired, alive, and turned on. It is the best fruit of picking someone up.
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The process of picking someone up best culminates in a sizzling connection. You have gone through the pick up dance of socializing, connecting and sensualizing your relationship. You connect with someone mentally, emotionally and especially physically and you are in love. |
The skill of Picking someone up is the skill which transitions a relationship from stranger or “just friends” to the ‘new and exciting’ stage of relationship. If you are strangers and only have one shot at picking that person up, be bold now! If you are friends and want to escalate the relationship, Flirt and Pick them up is a more tactical and strategical way over time since you have time and need to take the current relationship into account.
The first skill required in this bright stage of relationship is ‘fun’. The ability to have fun and be fun. To start a relationship people are drawn to a light fun way of being. Just like picking someone up starts with socializing and a light approach, so does a relationship. This dating period is often called the honeymoon phase of relationship.
‘Focus on the woman’s desire’ is the next skill required for the romance to be off to a good start. For the ‘new and exciting phase’ to go well, polarization is necessary. Her appetite and his attention to that appetite create a social sensual spark that ignites the relationship.
‘Turn them on’ is the third key skill in the new and exciting phase of relationship. This is the skill of sexual escalation from either sex. Without the ability to ‘turn them on’ you’re not really dating and the romantic aspect of the relationship is already in trouble. Good pick up skills are key here.
Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Pick-up | Comments Off
June 27th, 2012
To really not get what one needs. What does this do to a human being?
The human mechanism distorts, the energy drops both from stress and exhaustion and to conserve resources, the mind slants negatively, and it is all taken personally. Brightness is replaced by dullness. Bright feeling is replaced by dull painful feeling. Enthusiasm and interest are replaced by hopelessness.
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The being can’t help but take it personally. When the situation is bad over here and good over there that good gets associated with them and that bad gets associated with oneself.
One becomes addicted to thoughts, imaginations, substances, really anything, in a desperate attempt to avoid being overwhelmed by the bad feeling.
Being awake means facing the experience of whatever is present including and especially this feeling of not getting what one needs, because this experience when it arises is often shied away from. It can feel like an endless bad feeling, and endless emptiness, an endless void or lack, that one feels is ultimately one’s own fault. It is very important to confront the fear of never getting that need fulfilled without flinching away from how that feels. Otherwise one is dominated by it from the background. |
Now what does this have to do with your sex life? Sex is full contact with another, or can be. It is a fundamental human need, in some ways greater than food and air.
A relationship where this aspect of oneself is suppressed can never, by definition, be a full relationship, nor is it experienced as a full relationship. Sex as full contact is what human beings crave most emotionally because it is connection at all levels or, at least, can be.
It does not necessarily mean physical sexual contact with the other, but, at the very least, it means that the ‘sex space’ is not suppressed. It will often mean sensual contact between the people relating, but it may not. For example: two straight males, who simply allow that part of themselves ‘the attraction to the female’, to exist. They are at ease with that feeling. They can discuss it. It’s not suppressed. Between people of the opposite sex and woman-to-woman the sensual involvement with the other is less mental and more body based, sensual in the standard polarized definition.
For this sex space to be closed with another or most all others leaves the individual without much real contact. It leaves them starving physically and emotionally. The desire for the bright fun of sensual contact and relating is denied.
When this fundamental need is not met, this need for sex which is actually a need for others and contact and the physical sensual aspect of full relatedness, one is left in that bad emptiness, taking it personally, and blaming oneself – again, the basics of what happens when a human being does not get what they need fundamentally. Energetically, emotionally and mentally and, even, physically it creates a negative momentum, a downward spiral, a vicious circle.
So my invitation to you is to explore this need and fulfill this need, to become skilled here, to open sensually & sexually, and reclaim this space, this vital point of contact that is perhaps best characterized by brightness and fun.
Posted in Health, Realization, Relationship, Sex | Comments Off
June 19th, 2012
If you want to succeed at attraction and seduction then surround yourself with turned on positive people who are in the know about picking someone up and how to have a turned on relationship. The graduates of the Pleasure Course are those kind of people!
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This way when you have challenges or failures or simply “blow out” (lose consciousness) because of the intensity of the process you have people to restore you to sanity instead of ending up floating around in the outer space of your mind alone!
People in the know about picking someone up also inspire you to new heights. You gain momentum and success instead of quitting at the initial failures and ending up in the “Klutz” stage of learning forever. The “Klutz” stage is the failures and corrections you inevitably have to go through to learn something. |
The Pleasure Course is designed to move you through that difficult stage of learning in your love life so you can enjoy a fantastic love life!
Tags: dating advice, Personal Growth, pick a partner, relationship advice
Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Personal Growth, Pick-up, Realization, Relationship | Comments Off
June 19th, 2012
Now that you have attracted the other person and you are flowing through the stages of picking them up you must know how to read the person. Where are they at in the process? Are they really bonding with you? Should you sensualize things?
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You can find this out easily by testing or qualifying the other person. This means asking them a question. To test bonding ask him or her a deep personal question like “What is something you’ve never told anyone?” To test sexual attraction ask a sexy question like “If you could be kissed anywhere besides your lips where would that be?”
If they refuse to answer or give a weak answer then you know they aren’t at that stage yet. If their answer connects you to them or sizzles with sexuality then you know you’re past that stage and can escalate the interaction.
You can also test where things are at by escalating the touching or trying to move them to a different location and see how they respond. |
Testing or qualifying the person makes you more attractive because you are checking them out, i.e. you put yourself in the role of decision maker instead of chasing them. You want to screen them not need them!
Peaking the interaction or deliberately breaking your connection with the other person, the way commercials break TV programming, is the next critical skill for both sex but especially guys.
If you don’t peak the interaction and go in reverse sometimes two things can happen. First, intensity “blow out.” You and/or they “blow out”, lose consciousness and become paralyzed because the interaction is too fast, too intense, too confronting. Second, you can appear needy if you don’t mix it up and push them away a little here and there.
For example, if you are escalating the touch to check out where things are at, don’t leave your hand on her arm too long. That would be awkward. Remove it. Or joke around playfully about how she’s not the right girl for you.
Hexing or teasing, which we covered a few weeks ago, is another way a guy can peak the interaction by creating a little dip. Male hexing is a way of showing her that he can handle her. Female hexing or teasing is a way of testing and seeing if he can handle her.
Tags: attention, dating advice, flirting, having fun, intention, intimacy, pick a partner, relationship advice
Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Man-Woman Dynamics, Pick-up, Relationship | Comments Off
June 19th, 2012
Recently we have covered how to pick someone up, whether it is your relationship partner, a friend or someone your meeting for the first time. We’ve used an 8-step process that outlines the stages a person goes through in picking someone up:
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- Center – intention
- Approach – get near them
- Open – something to say
- Engage – conversation
- Bond – comfort and safety
- Sensualize – sexually escalate
- Transition – new more intimate location
- Close – complete the interaction
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What you can see about these stages is that they follow a pattern of:
- Socialize
- Connect
- Sensualize
The biggest secret to picking someone up is to start the interaction socially. You want to be super social. Extroverts meet way more people. They connect. So if you are an introvert you want to learn to socialize!
The middle steps in the 8-steps of picking someone up are about connecting or bonding. Introverts are often better at bonding and going deep. This second series of steps allows the other person to feel safe with you, and sets the stage for sensualizing the interaction.
Sensualizing the interaction turns up the heat through body gestures, touching, suggestive topics, and so on. The person you are seducing is well warmed up at this point since you’ve socialized and connected. Interestingly, this also applies within a relationship since couples are often shy about approaching each other sensually.
My point is socialize then connect deeply then sensualize.
Tags: dating advice, pick a partner, relationship advice
Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Pick-up, Relationship | Comments Off
June 5th, 2012
People can experience a lot of scarcity in their sex lives, but in truth, there is none. If you are single there are 3.5 billion potential partners out there and if you are in a relationship you’ve already got one.
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The lack of training and insecurity that people have in relating romantically causes them to retreat from their romantic lives and a sense of scarcity ensues. With training, we have never met a couple that couldn’t bring the peaks and frequency of their passion to new heights. Nor have we met a single that couldn’t learn to steer their encounters toward a more and more fulfilling experience.
Consistent intelligent practice is the key. Failures are simply part of the process. Once you get through the second phase of the learning process, the Klutz stage, those failures decrease rapidly. |
There are attraction switches that a woman or man can turn on within themselves which work wonders in attracting the opposite sex. Examine which are strong for you and which are weak. Then address the weak ones and you’ll find you move from scarcity to abundance.
The primary Female attraction switches are:
- Turn on – This is women’s trump card! Use it; it is the ultimate attractive force.
- Openness and approval – Simply being friendly and approving vs. defensive or fearful. This is not only useful in attraction but also in steering a man if instructions are added.
- Vitality and well-being – Males are biologically wired up to seek a healthy vital female capable of child bearing. This is fundamentally what they are attracted to. Women often opt to try and fit a societal stereo type of looks instead of focusing on vitality, well-being and celebrating their bodies as they are. Men like women who like their bodies and take good care of them. This trumps even societal pre-programmed prejudice about body type.
- Dress/presentation – When a woman presents herself well and takes the care to look good and dress well she amplifies her inherent beauty. It’s the classic “make-over” but doesn’t need to be done to fix anything but rather in the spirit of fun, enhancement, celebration and acknowledgement of her inherent feminine beauty.
- Femininity – By femininity we mean how she holds herself and how she relates. This includes everything from the body gestures we focused on two weeks ago to the more emotionally stimulating way that women relate (vs. more abstract for men). It is a type of inherent flirty-ness. If a woman relates physically and emotionally from a feminine place then the masculine is naturally drawn to that.
The primary Male attraction switches are:
- Confidence – or at least the appearance of confidence. Biologically, emotionally and mentally women like strong men. If that confidence includes spiritual confidence, a strong sense of presence, that is the ultimate attracter.
- Leadership – Women like men who can lead. Demonstrating that in an interaction with her works wonders. The key is keeping his attention on her and leading her to her desired goals. Leadership and strength are the defining characteristics of masculinity.
- Sense of humor – Make her laugh! A positive attitude, not taking things too seriously, being light and fun, are critical to romantic play throughout the relationship process from picking someone up through the New & Exciting phase of relationship and all the way to an Eternal Date. Smile.
- Good grooming – This is sometimes rated as women’s number one criteria and men often overlook it. How you present yourself is key. Dress sharp.
- Sociability – An ability to connect emotionally and keep a conversation going… and knowing when to end it, allow for quality socializing. Women love to relate. For example, if it is clear that other women like this guy then he demonstrates a type of “pre-selection” that score him points.
- Ability to flirt – If a man can circulate a woman’s energy back to her she will get more and more turned on and like him more. With skill a man can initiate as well and this draws her toward him.
Tags: attention, attractiveness, dating advice, flirting, having fun, relationship advice, turn-on
Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Man-Woman Dynamics, Pick-up, Relationship | 5 Comments »
May 29th, 2012
This is very advanced material.
How many people have a real understanding of what is actually going on psychologically within themselves and the people they are interacting with? What is that worth to you? What could you do with that?
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The most useful skill in drawing someone (anyone from a stranger to your spouse) toward you is to understand and function well in the psychological and social dynamics of the group/person you’ve approached and play just barely faster than them. That means being present and being on top without being a dominant jerk. Unjustified arrogance rates as one of the most repulsive qualities a person can possess. In other words, real power and real understanding are required.
You’ve got to be attuned to that person or group and know what is going on. Who’s in charge? Why? Are they bored? Are they wound up?… and so on. If you were going to drive a car you’d probably want to know if it’s a Ferrari or a truck. |
Picking someone up means you are driving, you are leading. As we’ve covered previously, you can do that from a masculine or feminine position. Ideally both sexes are doing it simultaneously, and because it is done differently by each sex they don’t clash! Regardless, if you do your part well, odds are strong they’ll get in step.
Crucial to attuning yourself or calibrating yourself to someone is putting your thoughts aside and paying attention to them. Notice them and you’ll be surprised at the information you get. With that information a woman can direct her energetic charms (turn on, body language, etc.) far more effectively. For example, if she gathers that he is kind of wound up and distracted she might stand closer to him than she normally would and flash him (sexy eye contact) more strongly.
Males usually use the gathered information to lead the conversation more effectively. He has tremendous power if he knows what is going on with her. This is known in the social sciences as knowing the person’s “frame” (like ‘frame of reference’). It is the filter through which they perceive the current situation.
The goal is to create ‘frame resonance’, in other words to have her ‘frame’ resonate with yours. This grants you connection and great influence. There are 4 verbal ways to create frame resonance and although both sexes use them, they are the bread and butter for a man picking up a woman.
- Frame bridging: create a connection between two ideas (often fixes a logistical issue): “I’m glad you want to see my pet rock collection, my car is around the corner.”
- Frame amplification: really step into her viewpoint: “Yes, it would be terrible to sleep with someone without being connected!… I’m glad we’re connecting.”
- Frame extension – stretch her frame to connect it with yours: “your passion for detail is exactly what it takes for me to be a good artist/doctor…”
- Frame transformation – stitch together your and her frames at some future point and then bring it back to the present: “One day I hope to really be able to commit like you want me to; it’s really what I want in my heart, even now.”
Women can ‘grab’ a man’s frame with the tremendous power of her turn on and potential for sensual contact. She’ll use the above verbal methods intuitively, but her sex is her greatest asset. I call it the ‘biological imperative’. Within seconds of meeting, any man and woman have totally evaluated the other sexually. If she is pressing “go” sexually, she has his attention, no matter what their relationship is! If she does want the interaction to proceed, the verbal maneuvers described above can be very helpful in handling concerns or viewpoints that he might have.
Hexing is another key psychological tool available to you. It is a type of teasing or dominance play where you confirm somebody’s self-doubt. For example if you know someone has an issue about the car they drive, you might say, “so did you drive the old clunker here?” The purpose is to have fun in a teasing way. You can also accomplish putting yourself on top in the interaction and steering them (in this case, perhaps to buy a new car). It is not an insult! If you buy into their self-doubt it is an insult. Unfortunately, people usually are insulting the person when they try to tease or hex them because they actually believe there is something wrong with that person (or their car). It’s easy to overdo it and use hexing in a defensive, hostile or arrogant way. Then it’s not a good hex and will backfire leaving you hexed!
Because sex is such a charge-y subject, women are walking hexes for men (and for themselves). If a man can learn to hex well, he gains a big edge in his pick up game because women like a guy who can steer.
Now, let’s address one of the most important things you need to know about your psychology and the learning process. This applies to learning most things, not just picking someone up. There are stages in learning. The first stage of picking a goal is usually very exciting. The next stage is a bitch. Let’s call it the Klutz stage. You put ten in and get one out. It’s full of failure. The mood of it is like being in an emergency room: you are rushing around trying to see what is going on and stop the bleeding! This is where most people quit.
If you keep going and intelligently make corrections you will succeed. That is the secret of getting over the hump: Keep immersing yourself and making corrections. The later stages in the learning process are about success and enhancement. They are relatively fun, creative and interesting, and your results accelerate exponentially. Don’t stop at the Klutz stage… or you end up living there!
Tags: attention, Being, blueprint, dating advice, emotions, failure, flirting, intimacy, pick a partner, relationship advice, romantic fate, turn-on
Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Man-Woman Dynamics, Pick-up, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 7 Comments »
May 23rd, 2012
Now you know the basic 8 steps of picking someone up: center, approach, open, engage, bond, sensualize, transition and close. You also know that your constant critic and its potentially paralyzing effect is the greatest obstacle. The biggest obstacle is internal and not your skill level.
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So let’s go back to the beginning and look at what state works to engage and meet people. When you get centered and intentional about picking someone up, what is the state that you are in? I call that state being “On”. The state of being “On” is characterized most importantly by extroversion.
Extroverts meet way more people than introverts. I am an introvert who can turn it “On”. Most people are extremely introverted around meeting people and picking someone up, but don’t have to be. In other words, you can turn it “On”. |
High-ish energy is also critical to being “On”. You want to be just barely higher energy than the people/person that you are approaching. Energy is a real issue for people. People can be so withdrawn, shut down and afraid around romantic sensual interaction that the body is left in a depressed low energy state…, which of course can be depressing itself! A negative attitude or speaking negatively will also kill the positive energy required to achieve sensual liftoff. The good news is that energy is largely a function of positive engagement and participation. I have been blown away by how my body revitalizes when I engage positively with people. By coming out of hiding, your energy will increase. If you truly engage you will find reserves of energy and enthusiasm that you didn’t know you had.
Confidence, being interesting and interested are the other criteria of the state of “On”. You’ve got to be interesting. The worst way of being interesting is trying to impress people. The best way is to understand and function well in the psychological and social dynamics of the group or person you’ve approached and play just barely faster than them. That means being present and being on top without obviously being dominant.
Now, let’s make the whole process of picking someone up a whole lot easier for you. We’ll address guys first then women. Instead of trying to pick someone up, simply learn to engage people. This works especially well for guys who usually do the actual approaching. It makes confidence so much easier. Take an indirect approach, it is easier, and in most cases it is a bad idea to hit on a woman right away before she has given some clue that she wants to be hit on. Guys, you have much more control over escalating the interaction sensually once you are in the interaction. You’ve got topics to choose from, teasing, suggestive language, and flirtation, to name a few.
Women, on the other hand, will usually benefit more by keeping the sensual motor humming and sending turned on cues toward guys they are interested in, especially if you get good at directing that turned on energy specifically and not randomly. Switching to simply engaging people (vs. pick them up) can be good and make things easier for some women, but you lose the massive edge that sending turn on brings you.
Women often ask us what they can do and are concerned that they are in a more passive position. The opposite is true. Here are several ways you can send those signals and cues.
The 13 most common courtship gestures for women as listed by Barbara and Allen Pease in their book “The Definitive Book of Body Language” are:
- Head toss/hair flick – exposing the armpit
- Wetting her lips and pouting – mouth slightly open
- Self touching – caressing almost any body part
- Limp wrist – enables the man to feel dominant
- Fondling cylindrical object (wine glass, pulling a ring off and on a finger)
- Exposed wrists – delicate skin exposure
- Sideways glance over raised shoulder – mimics peeping
- Rolling hips – highlights pelvic region
- Pelvic tilt – highlights waist to hip ratio
- Placing handbag (or other personal item) near the man – an extension of the body and sign of intimacy
- The knee point – one leg tucked under and knee pointed to whoever she is most interested in, exposes thigh
- Shoe fondle – dangling shoe on end of foot – shows relaxed attitude and phallic effect of thrusting in and out
- Leg twine – draws attention to legs, crossing and uncrossing and stroking her thigh draws attention and demonstrates wanting to be touched
In our research we have found flashing him to be the most effective courtship gesture. This means a coquettish and often submissive glance, where a woman feels her sex and transmits that sexual energy via the eyes. Usually the head is down, looking up and him and she is smiling. Then she looks away. Simply prolonging eye contact, especially with a smile is another variation that works wonders. You can go full on by prolonging eye contact, gazing intensely, while feeling your pussy and giving a slight nod before looking away. The best advice we can give women is to make your intentions obvious. Guys are generally slow. Smile. Feel your pussy. Use the body gestures. Especially, look at him with prolonged eye contact. And lastly, don’t be afraid to place your body near him. With these tools you won’t need to initiate the conversation, he will.
Both sexes should dress well to pick someone up, but this translates differently for each sex. Men should dress up, sharp, with a slight edge, say a great belt buckle, but nothing too far out unless the situation invites it. Women should dress sexy to pick someone up. Remember the number one cue males are responding to is the possibility of sensual contact, even above societal stereotypes of looks.
Being in a group makes picking someone up much easier for both men and women. You demonstrate more social value when with a group… they know you have friends. People also tend to feel much more confident in a group. Pick people who are fun and on board with you meeting people. They should be as into being fabulous and successful meeting people as you are. Remember going out with them is not a time for processing/sharing deep emotional issues. You both/all must be aligned in attracting men or woman. Be careful some people have the opposite agenda! Have a clear plan for how you will all handle it if one or more wants to go home with someone. Support each other vs. being competitive; there are plenty of fish in the sea. A group of turned on women in a social environment will attract attention.
A few last points for women: If you are bored in a conversation, don’t stay in it. If, on the other hand, you are into him, feel free to compliment him. Guys usually understand this, especially if there is a little touch or coquettish eye contact added.
If you are in a couple already, then the obvious best place to practice these tools are with your partner. Some couples like to pick people up as a pair or independently. This can be a lot of fun, but is usually done from the wrong starting place. It only feels good, and is usually only successful, if the woman is driving it. It is sleazy when a guy tries to drive it. In these cases the guy doesn’t have the skills to fill the woman up sensually and in all other ways in the relationship, or the woman is so closed down that the guy is desperate.
Unfortunately, most “polyamorous” relationships start from this place of not being satisfied with one’s partner and trying to fill the gap with someone else. Relationship skills, sex skills and learning to pick up one’s partner are what are required for these men and women. Most couples prefer to focus on each other exclusively sexually and most of the ones that don’t aren’t actually qualified to open the relationship.
Tags: attention, Being, communication, dating advice, flirting, having fun, intention, intimacy, openness, relationship advice, turn-on
Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Pick-up, Relationship | 8 Comments »
May 16th, 2012
The biggest secret about picking someone up is to act. There are principles that work, and we’ll get into those, but overcoming the paralysis that grips people in the face of approaching someone is the single biggest factor. I learned by approaching a woman daily until I got my chops down. Critical to taking action is abundantly putting yourself in situations where you can meet potential people to pick up.
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Strangely enough, this applies equally to couples who are often shy about approaching each other romantically. In fact, as the relationship progresses, romantic/sensual approach, which may have been abundant during dating, often falls away. Pick your partner up! Couples can also use pick up practices to pick people up together.
So the first step is to center oneself, which involves setting one’s intention and confidence. If you don’t have the confidence, fake it! Demonstrating a lack of confidence, especially for a male, is usually a deal breaker. If you don’t generate the ability to handle being rejected you will not succeed. |
Initiating contact is next. This is where that confidence is key. For men this usually involves approaching a woman and for women it usually involves drawing a man in. When a woman initiates the sequence it is much more likely to succeed. Men are generally poor at reading women’s cues, body language, etc. so she may have to develop her skills at overcoming his inability. The worse a man is at reading cues the more he will have to rely on the volume of his approaches. The worse a woman is at confidently sending those cues the longer she will have to wait or she may opt for approaching a man.
An opening line can be quite useful if it is engaging enough and/or spontaneously appropriate to the situation (“What are you reading?” “You look like you could use a friend. Mind if I join you?” “How do you know…?”) The way it is said is more important than what is said, but some lines are catchier that others. The wilder the situation to more far out your opener can be (“Do you think it’s O.K. to have a small chimpanzee as a pet?”)
Engaging your partner (in other words not boring them) is crucial to getting things rolling. Prepared topics can be a real asset for guys since they are often responsible for keeping the conversation going, especially if you manage to do this while keeping your attention on your partner. Catchy topics like “What do you think makes for a fun relationship?” are great to engage someone and see how much fun they are likely to be. Don’t be afraid to have a few prepared topics, scripts and routines at the ready. The more feminine she is and the more masculine he is, the better the other responds.
Women respond best to a man who demonstrates confidence and power while keeping his attention on her. Men respond best if the woman is turned on and there are hints of possible sensual contact. Appearance is important both ways, but especially in a male’s decision to approach a woman. Fortunately for us all, the possibility of sensual contact trumps stereotyped appearance criteria in a male’s decision to approach a woman. Women do pay a lot more attention to a man’s grooming and hygiene than most men think they do.
If you are being fun and real you will start to bond with your partner and the likelihood of picking them up increases. You’ll also demonstrate your value to your partner (entertainment value, sex value, friend value, information value, etc.) and they’ll like you more. Make sure they know that they want to know you.
Sensualize the interaction. Where a lot of people blow it is in pretending that they are not picking the person up. This demonstrates a lack of confidence and sets the interaction up to be awkward and inauthentic. Sensualizing the interaction from the start is almost always the right thing to do. Ladies, don’t be afraid to send out those signals. Guys, you are picking them up; don’t be afraid to make your intentions known, although, it is important to wait for cues from her before hitting on her. It is usually a huge mistake to hit on a woman before she demonstrates attraction to you. You can still sensualize the interaction from the start (hinting and light suggestion vs. hitting on her). You’ll get smoother as you practice, and know when to turn it up. Practice, practice, practice!
If it is possible to transition your encounter to a new location this can work wonders (another bar, café… your house!). Time stretches out; they feel like they have known you longer and it is much more likely for the relationship to go somewhere romantically.
Next Close. Closing means getting a phone number, hooking up sensually or some other successfully way of ending the interaction. Guys, close before she does! Close boldly on a high note; the last thing they remember about you is crucial for the likelihood of another interaction.
These are the basics. We’ll elaborate on many of these points in the following weeks and bring in new one’s like pushing and pulling your partner to overcome resistance, dominance games and hexing, how women can steer and guide a man in an initial meeting or deal with unwanted attention, body language, and others.
Tags: attention, communication, dating advice, flirting, having fun, intention, pick a partner, relationship advice, success, turn-on
Posted in Dating, Finding a partner, How to relationship, Pick-up, Relationship | 7 Comments »
April 10th, 2012
In the practice of Deliberate Orgasm (DOing), your ability to focus your attention is the critical skill for both DOers and Cummers.
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First of all, have your primary focus be having fun vs. any type of accomplishment. This will take any pressure off.
The DOer must make sure that the Cummer’s attention is on each stroke. Short, light strokes are one way this is accomplished. The point of light, short strokes is that they make her reach for the stroke. It is a subtler stroke so both people have to pay full attention. |
Deliberate Orgasm is really the art of attention. The simple example is that if you look at and feel your fingertips intensely without touching them, all it takes is the lightest touch for the greatest sensation. Contrast this with grabbing a doorknob to open a door and barely noticing you touched anything.
This greater attention should go both ways (DOer and Cummer).
In the early stages, it is fine for the DOer to use firmer or longer strokes, but generally head in the direction of shorter and lighter. When she reaches she will get more sensation ultimately. Also alternate. When she isn’t feeling much, get her attention: take a .5 second or longer break, pull a pubic hair, tell her what you are doing, lightly tap her pussy. You have a variety of options, experiment.
Tags: 15 minute orgasm, attention, better sex, DOing, extended orgasm, female orgasm, how to orgasm, sexual pleasure
Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Having better sex, Sex | 1 Comment »
April 2nd, 2012
What’s real, what’s not and how to be happy.
The nature of stuff is stuff. What it means to be stuff is to be an object, to not be alive, to be lifeless. This means all stuff: a cup, a thought, anything. It is all just stuff, just objects, material objects or mental objects.
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Your feelings are stuff too! This is a tough one for people to understand. A feeling is a thing, although not a concrete one.
If your life is all about stuff, you have a problem. Would you bow down to a lifeless, dead God? Is material that is by definition: dead, lifeless, impermanent, and mostly just imagined in your mind worth devoting your life to? Worth being infatuated with?
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I am not recommending being negative about stuff, critical about stuff or down on stuff. I am just recommending seeing the nature of stuff. What it is and what it isn’t. I am recommending see how easy it is to get trapped in… and think that there is more happiness or freedom or bliss or peace in stuff than there actually is.
What is left beyond stuff? What is non-stuff? It is not something you can see, feel, taste, touch, hear or think.
What is non-stuff? It is your life, your consciousness, your subjectivity, you… not as a body or identity but as consciousness, as being, as the absolute. It is absolutely beyond description, all we can see is the manifest side.
Realization of non-stuff and having that at the center of your life is happiness. And it makes all the stuff downstream (relationships, marriage, sex, coffee, your new car, anything) a lot more enjoyable and a lot less entrapping!
Tags: Being, enlightenment, happiness, important quality, Personal Growth, realization
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | Comments Off
January 25th, 2012
Last week’s live event was amazing! Our living room was packed with about 50 people.
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To review we examined how you can be lit up, turned-on and have everything sparkle in the honeymoon phase of relationship. And that there are, in fact, multiple honeymoons in a relationship (when you start dating, get engaged and get married) but that they tend to decrease in size as time goes on. We also saw that working together or starting a family can cause a reverse honeymoon phase for some. Overall there tends to be a decrease in turn-on in the relationship as time goes on, even though the couple can get closer in other ways.
We saw that the decrease happens from peaking early and crashing like a sugar or caffeine high. This “peaking out” phenomenon happens when we enter relationship anxiously, idealistically, and without the skills to sustain the turn on. Those skills range from flirting to sexing. A good flirt or good sexer knows how to build ever increasing peaks of turn-on in a partner’s body and their own. And they don’t need a brand spanking new partner to do that!
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We also saw that as couples get to know each other the turn on can decrease as their psychologies come out and the realistic issues that each person contends with surface and the ideal projection onto your partner and the relationship dissipates.
How do you change longstanding patterns of behavior? It is crucial to understand and experience that behavior in detail, as it is happening, not from an intellectual distance. If you are truly with it then a sense of freedom and an ability to act outside of that pattern will arise naturally. The “really being with it” and “understanding it” is the hard part. There are innumerable methods for this from our practice of Corework, to collaging and art, to therapy, to journaling, to conversation with friends, and so on. After a while one gets an ability to be with their machinery and is not dominated by it. From lack of use it then gradually falls away.
Now, what makes something grow over time? Having a true direction and intelligently sticking to it makes something grow over time. Your sex life, love life and spiritual life are great direction and subjects for this! And intelligent practice means engaging these areas in meaningful ways with a focus on learning and expansion.
Lastly, big actions came before each honeymoon period so keep going for it and peaking your love life to higher and higher levels!
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December 14th, 2011
Flirting can be considered first and foremost of the relationship skills because it is what launches romantic relationship as well as being vital to sustaining the turn on. Normally diminished and discounted, flirting is actually of profound importance to everyone’s love life.
We define flirting as projecting and receiving sexual energy.
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For most situations a somewhat gradual approach (vs. grabbing the other person by the genitals!) is appropriate. This usually starts with conversation (we’ll address touch in a few paragraphs). A good flow for that conversation topic-wise is: soul, then relationship then sex. This upgrades the conversation, in terms of turn on, while starting from a basis of connection, depth and truth.
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Now, if the person you are flirting with is a stranger you probably want to be bolder because this could be your one shot! Whereas, if they are a friend, a more gradual approach is usually better since you have time and shifting gears on the relationship too rapidly could be jarring. If you are already in a romantic relationship with the person, keep flirting with the person for God’s sake… especially if you are married!
Woman understand flirting better. From their end it is really as simple as turning on and sending that energy towards a man, usually with the eyes first. Overtly approving of the man is also key. As the flirtation progresses she involves her body more and the dialogue and touch get spicier. Woman typically understand this but for understandable reason’s have resistance to doing it (see the series of blogs on a woman’s appetite for more on why women hold back.)
Men typically don’t really understand flirting because they don’t understand what it is like to be in a woman’s shoes. Men have their foot on the gas (typically) and women have their feet on the gas and the break!
The way for a man to overcome her resistance is fundamentally to put his attention on her. Then decide that she is worth pursuing (an often overlooked step). Then keep giving her what she wants in the form of making pleasurable offers and sending her in the direction of her response. We call this push-pull, it is the essence of flirting and seduction from a man’s point of view.
For example, the man can offer to take her someplace he knows she is interested in going. If she says yes then drive her their in a limo! If she says no, then not only withdraw the offer, but talk about something way less fun (or simply remove himself… for a while). He then reintroduces the offer or an improved variation. This back and forth creates more of a ride for a woman and overcomes her resistance more quickly, as long as the offers are based on her real appetite. If he is paying attention to her, his agenda will be her agenda (that line alone is worth a whole blog!)
When she is moving toward him (emotionally, physically, etc.) he moves closer to her slightly more quickly. When she is moving away from him he moves away at a slightly quicker pace, which gives him “permission” and confidence to switch to pulling her. Also quitting her first (ending the interaction) makes it easier for him to resume contact at will.
A menu of offers is good. They are a good way to stimulate appetite in the woman and bring fun suggestions into play. The suggestions should be based on her appetite, revealed or not.
The bottom line is paying attention to her. When this is mastered “push/pull” ceases to be technique and becomes the natural way of relating to a woman.
Breaking the touch barrier is a place where push-pull can be used by either sex. The idea is to gently and subtly get your partner used to being touched by and touching you. You introduce touch (each touch is a sort of offer) based either on cues from your partner or at random if you aren’t sure about your partners cues.
Start with a mellow touch (say the arm), remove that touch, and then reintroduce the touch, gradually upgrading the intensity and sensuality of the touch. This back and forth keeps escalating sensual contact. Make sure to back off before your partner makes sure you back off. If they do tell you to slow down, then slow down more than they wanted you to. That way you’ll have more confidence when you reintroduce sensual touch.
Although both sexes can use push-pull in flirting touch, women generally prefer it if the man leads (just like ballroom dancing).
Tags: approval, better sex, communication, relationship advice, turn-on
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Pick-up, Relationship | 4 Comments »
November 9th, 2011
How to relate with another human being optimally
Cause and effect are optimal roles to take to maximize connection and pleasure with another human being. If we can give and receive well, then we exist, not only in harmony with others, but also in love, cooperation and ultimately union with them.
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To give we become upright, strong and loving. We release our attention on ourselves and attain a great sense of freedom and release. We hold our partner in our mind and our hands deriving deep satisfaction in their joy and pleasure. |
To receive we must surrender, open and be vulnerable. We expose ourselves first to ourselves then to another. The heart releases and we are held. A place deep within us is nourished and pleasured.
In our extended orgasm practice we take the roles of cause and effect to create optimal sensation and orgasm. We also bring these roles into deep touch so that we can calm and heal our emotional bodies.
In taking these roles we optimize our connection with each other and overcome, perhaps, the greatest challenge of life.
Tags: attention, extended orgasm, Personal Growth, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 4 Comments »
November 2nd, 2011
We have gotten such good reports from participants in the Oracle of Life & Love,
and Romance Coaching, on your practice of DOing and Extended Orgasm that we
are going summarize a basic pattern that you can follow in your learning practice.
Although this is a basic pattern, the skills for some of the steps were/are covered in
the Pleasure Course or one of our advanced programs. The skills are actually quite
advanced; the pattern will help you put it all together.
These are basics, and like “standards” in music, they feel/sound great. Like the Sensuality Exercises, they are ways to guarantee that you have a good time and that your sensual research progresses. At times, and more and more so over the years,
you will alter these basics, but don’t take them for granted. Even the most complex Jazz is based in scales and standard musical progressions. Try playing Jazz with out scales… some have tried; it’s interesting for about 5 minutes.
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Here are some basics on the path of extended orgasm, giving and receiving:
1. Set up the time and space to be attractive and relaxed (15 minutes + is recommended, music smell, etc.).
2. Take the roles of cause and effect; sit in that position. |
Doer or Cause:
3. Always keep your attention on your partner’s pleasure, deriving your
pleasure from this.
4. Start with slow deep, more massage like, pressure on legs.
5. Do some deep touch to really connect with your partner.
(All of that can take between one minute and 5 minutes, standard.)
6. Position DO towel
7. Apply lubricant in one smooth stroke with left hand.
8. Put hands in the basic DOing position (DOing lefty if possible for men)
9. After establishing contact with your partner’s most sensitive spot (upper left
hand quadrant of the clitoris, or apex of a man’s sex) gradually move from
firmer strokes to lighter strokes.
10. For most people the stroke on a woman’s genitals should be lighter and
shorter that what they might be inclined to do.
11. Take your partner up and down by alternating gradually changing pressure.
12. Peak your partner with any kind of slight change or pause in your stroke.
13. Build a dome shaped orgasm.
14. Keep a sexy yet specific dialogue going with your partner.
15. Bring your partner down with firmer pressure.
16. Towel your partner off.
DOee or effect:
17. Keep your attention on your partner’s stroke.
18. Surrender to your DOer such that you are at effect (you can ask for changes
but do it from a surrendered, effect, approving place).
19. Push your genitals out in a consistent yet relaxed way.
20. Spread your toes.
21. Experiment with moving your toes and/or creating a few deliberate
contractions in your genitals if that helps get you into involuntary movement
in your toes and genitals.
22. Tell your partner what feels good.
23. Really let go into the ride.
24. Stay relaxed but alert (so you don’t zone out or blow out from the height of
feeling).
25. Afterwards, share your favorite frames with your DOer and express how
gratified you are, leaving your DOer feeling like a winner.
Now, those are the basics of what to do, but the most important part, no matter
what role you are in, is your intention and willingness to have a good time.
Also, don’t focus on a goal of orgasm. If you do what is described above, the person
at effect will reach a level of sensation where the body goes into extended orgasm
with all of the involuntary movements and sense of release.
There you have it. Enjoy!
Tags: 15 minute orgasm, better sex, female orgasm, sexual pleasure, turn-on
Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Sex | 3 Comments »
October 12th, 2011
A clash of Titans! What are they, how do they exist on our lives, and who comes out on top?
Sensuality is based in the 5 senses, based in the body; it is bodily chemistry and feeling. Eroticism is mental turn-on from a specific idea often based in transcending some taboo or other. Dominant and submissive roles are the most popular expressions of erotic turn-on.
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In regards to our romantic lives we live in a primarily erotic culture (worldwide). It is a culture marked by an extremely mental approach to life, even one’s love life.
Erotism is a good spice to add to one’s love life. But… the minute it becomes the main course in one’s love life, as it is for most people, it causes a drop in turn-on. You get diminishing returns. You have to keep increasing the quantity and intensity of the erotic idea to get the same pleasurable result. For example, the person in a submissive role must be increasingly that submissive to get turned on. |
Eroticism taken too far leads to perversion. Perversion is the ability to get turned-on only by a very narrow range of stimulus. For example, women with red hair wearing black latex who remind someone of his first lover.
On the other hand, turn-on generated sensually increases the more you engage. You get increasing returns (more and more pleasure). For example, turn-on from feeling your hand on someone’s genitals increases the more you focus on what you are feeling in your hand, seeing with your eyes, and so on.
For a great sex life Sensuality should be the meal and Eroticism the spice. If you fall in love with someone for primarily erotic reasons watch out because that turn on will wear out unless they become ever increasingly richer, more dominant, or whatever the “idea turn-on” is.
Basing your attraction to someone sensually will have you fall deeper and deeper in love with them over time. You will become increasingly turned-on by them over time. This is the secret to having an Eternal Date with someone. Long standing relationships can be steered in this direction. If you are single and dating, you may want to start your next relationship this way!
Tags: better sex, eroticism, extended orgasm, female orgasm, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
October 5th, 2011
What does it really take to lean into life and reap the rewards of that? How would you describe that quality? Where is it from?
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Alicia and I were blown away by how the participants of the September Pleasure Course totally leaned into their love and sex lives. You could see people’s relationships expanding as if they were stretching their right in front of you.
Each participant leaned into their life, bringing forth a quality of awakeness, of refreshing vital interest. |
It is so important to bring oneself forth this way in one’s life, especially your love life.
It can’t be work or you simply won’t keep doing it. You are effortlessly uplifted.
Opportunities are not missed. Life is lived fully now. You naturally go for it.
Tags: blueprint, communication, enlightenment, happiness, intention
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | 3 Comments »
September 28th, 2011
An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance and sex during this September’s Pleasure Course! And we all had an incredible time at the Cocktail Party that followed.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
September 21st, 2011
To move from suffering to enlightenment one must release or dissolve the various fixations of the ego structure. This leaves you in touch with your Self rather than your thoughts. The endless preoccupying thoughts are over!
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What is a fixation? What is the way to dissolve a fixation? A fixation is a point of view, a perspective, a worldview from a particular position. Understanding your fixations and feeling through them dissolves them. One’s viewpoints about oneself, others, life, and even that one is separate from others, are examples of fixed |
viewpoints. If one simply investigates any fixation as to whether it is true, one finds that it could not possibly be true because it is simply a perspective from a particular vantage point.
Although this is fairly straightforward, the process has the potential to be almost unlimitedly intense and emotional. This is because as fixations move through consciousness for examination and release they are fully experienced and felt. Some of those fixations, viewpoints, memories, etc. can be quite painful.
Willingness to feel and a clear understanding are the two most useful tools at one’s immediate disposal to realize the journey from suffering to enlightenment. The process can happen at any speed, and paradoxically, is usually gradual and immediate at the same time. This is due to the fact that understanding provides an immediate release, and yet, things take time to feel through and unwind.
Tags: change, enlightenment, meditation, openness
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | 1 Comment »
September 14th, 2011
The two biggest relationship problems that people complain about sexually are:
1. Finding a partner &
2. Decreased sexual interest in the partner they find!
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People have difficulty finding partners for 3 reasons and they all relate to the person’s relationship blueprint. They either think they’re not good enough or they think the other person (any potential partner) isn’t good enough or some combination.
The main reasons for decreased sexual interest in a partner are decreased chemistry (due to mental distraction or stress), life circumstance (they are simply to busy or fatigue) and mental misinformation (for men it’s prejudice against how women are and |
should be; for women it primarily takes the form of anger and resentment toward men). One addition for male’s decreased chemistry is mini-ejaculations during sex.
The resolution to all this and what makes for great sex and female orgasm is what we practice in all our quarterly sensuality research pools in the Oracle of Life and Love. Firstly, partners are handled. The circumstance is ideal and inviting of sensuality. And lastly, the group openness and positivity support everyone is staying out of his or her head and having a good time. Handling the circumstance and one’s mind are the keys having great sex.
These practices are something you can bring into your sex life… if you deem sensuality worthy of research.
Tags: better sex, female libido, female orgasm, relationship advice
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | 2 Comments »
September 7th, 2011
What can you do to sensualize your lifestyle? This is a question Alicia and I are always asking ourselves. We are always addressing our lifestyle.
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Usually people have their attention on ‘what they have’ rather than ‘how they are living’. It is a lot easier to put attention on “what” rather than “how”. For example, most people can give you a pretty good description of what they regularly eat but are stumped if you ask them how they eat. How you eat (relaxed, in a nice environment, etc.) is actually just as important as what you eat. |
We just got back from Mexico! How we like to vacation is relaxed with lot’s of free time for extended orgasm D.O. dates, and that is just what we did. Sometimes people come back from vacation more exhausted than they left because they had to see every ‘what’ they possibly could.
Sensualizing your lifestyle is paying attention to how you are living and making sure you are living pleasurably. Sensual living is gratifying and enjoyable now. It can look any number of ways. You can have a partner or not. Here are a few of our favorites:
1. Have a D.O. date every day, with a partner or with yourself.
2. Do that in the morning vs. pushing sex to end of the day when you are tired.
3. Take relaxed vacations (vs. tourism) at least monthly, even if they are short and you don’t travel far.
4. Cultivate friendships and community that forwards your sex life.
5. Don’t miss opportunities! Pleasureable opportunities abound… if you have an eye for them.
How about you? What could you do to make your lifestyle more enjoyable and sensual?
Tags: extended orgasm, having fun, Health, schedule, sexual pleasure
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | 2 Comments »
August 23rd, 2011
Goal setting and supplying the energy for the goal are a woman’s responsibility and ability in relationship. Goal setting is brains; energy is turn on and fun. This is feminine influence.
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Women often have some ambivalence about both the direction setting part and about being fun and supplying the turn on. This ambivalence is always based in anger or self-doubt. If the guy doesn’t co-operate her ambivalence and doubt may get stronger. It will help her to understand that he is just doing what worked with women in the past, from his mom down the line. They trained him… hopefully well, but sometimes not well. Now it’s her turn. |
Clear confident instruction with lots of approval, repeated often, is how to do that. She can give him much larger goals than he would normally take on if she handles him this way.
Some women say they don’t want to do that. In twenty years of teaching we have found those to be the women who don’t have what they say they want.
The guy should also take 100% responsibility for fulfilling her desires and being fun himself (but that’s another blog and something we emphasize often in the Pleasure Course.) If she steers him in a not-fun or dangerous direction it is also his responsibility to support her in making a course correction.
The real challenge for women is usually feeling right about herself and her appetite (see that blog series), the guy can be more or less work, but if she is confident and right about herself she’ll attract an enthusiastic guy and he’ll be easier to handle.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
August 16th, 2011
This is the state of childhood.
There is no conception of oneself in early childhood. Eventually one does start to conceive “I am”. An internal imaginary realm gets created with the concept of oneself at the center. Gradually, that inner realm of concepts gains greater and greater traction in appearing to actually be Reality itself. The inherent happiness of childhood ends.
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Initially in childhood we are not separate from anything because there is no conceptualization happening. We do not conceive ourselves as separate; hence we do not feel separate. The underlying unity of everything is experienced directly.
We experience the bliss, infiniteness, unity, depth and love of reality. Our baseline experience is quite extraordinary compared what later develops when we leave that childhood state.
The state of childhood is an experience of enlightenment and connection that we all have had. If you truly feel how profound and ecstatic it was in it’s earliest phases before conceptualization then it will serve you as an anchor and a guide in your personal growth, returning you to yourself. |
Tags: Being, Personal Growth, realization
Posted in Personal Growth, Realization | 2 Comments »
August 16th, 2011
We’re taking a real turn here folks. From contact and intimacy to extended orgasm. We just completed the Sensuality Expansion Program and J & H were fantastic. A theme of the program was the 3 essentials of Extended Orgasm.
Here they are in order:
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Connection
Being connected, in good contact, with your partner is critical. Feeling the same thing at the same time is the gold standard here.
Going high
Going high means increased sensitivity on subtler and subtler levels of experience. One’s potential for pleasure expands dramatically. “Peaking” is critical for this.
Signs of Orgasm
Involuntary contractions, flushing, engorgement and so on. |
If you bring these 3 primary aspects of extended orgasm into play in the order given of importance you can quickly develop your orgasm and lengthen it. 10 to 15-minute orgasm is the standard for what we call Expert level orgasm and what it takes to graduate the Sensuality Expansion Program. Congratulations to J and H!
Tags: better sex, communication, DOing, female orgasm
Posted in 15 minute orgasm, Sex | Comments Off
July 27th, 2011
Human beings have a deep and abundant need for intimacy with others. Contact of this type is necessary for our growth and development. It continues to be necessary throughout adulthood and throughout our lives.
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In some ways we need it more as children because we need it, not only emotionally, but also to learn how to function and survive. Yet, in another sense we need it more as adults because without good contact and intimacy it is practically impossible to unwind and resolve the interpersonal issues we bring from childhood into adulthood. And as we know those issues can be significant! (Just look at your “relationship blueprint”).
Denying this need is all too common because it can bring up a great deal of pain: feelings of isolation, loneliness, fear and so on. Yet if we accept and feel this need we have taken the most important step to resolving past issues and enjoying our relationships today. We have embraced our interdependence. |
Some issues need to be resolved interpersonally and some need to be resolved within ourselves. The more psychological the issue the more likely we’ll need to resolve it interpersonally. Psychological issues are primarily interpersonal and were formed from early interpersonal dynamics. A healthy current relationship (often starting with a mentor or therapist) is often what resets the “relationship blueprint”.
Intellectual understanding alone, outside of interpersonal relationship, simply won’t cut in resolving psychological issues. You’ve got to be in the water to learn to swim.
Spiritual issues (“Who am I?” and the like) are ultimately resolved by locating one’s nature or True Self. This is an inner journey and personal growth that one does within oneself. Of course, support and guidance are useful here, but these answers are within.
True spiritual development will support psychological healing and development… and healthy psychological development will support true spiritual realization.
Posted in Personal Growth, Romantic Blueprint | Comments Off
July 20th, 2011
An amazing group of people re-wrote their relationship blueprints and discovered the unlimited happiness and pleasure possible in romance and sex during this July’s Pleasure Course! And we all had an incredible time at the Cocktail Party that followed.
Posted in Having better sex, How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint, Sex | Comments Off
July 13th, 2011
The need to be taken care of is deeply felt by every human being. It spans everything from our survival needs as children to our need to be seen and acknowledged to our need to have someone else assume responsibility for things so that we can relax.
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Unfortunately, when we need it most as children, this need is usually not fully met. So as adults we have our normal needs of interdependence, acknowledgement, being seen and so on, plus a sense of unmet childhood needs which carry over into adulthood. |
After 20 years of supporting singles and couples in thir relationships I can tell you this is what causes most relationship problems: disguised versions of “You are not taking care of me”. Relationships turn into a reflection of early childhood patterns with parents. The parent is projected onto one’s current partner along with a sense of not being taken care of.
The most important thing we can do to resolve this situation is to feel and understand the need directly. It is a fundamental human need that takes many forms throughout life.
We can do things to get this need met, and, of course, that is helpful, but what is of critical importance to our personal growth is that we get familiar with this need. That we feel it directly with compassion and understanding… first for ourselves and then others.
Somehow when we experience this need ourselves calmly and directly it soothes and calms us, as well as opens us to receiving from others.
When unmet need is felt through fully with understanding it begins to shift to desire… then to love, where it switches to more of a giving force… then to stillness, where we transcend even our need.
Tags: Personal Growth, relationship problems
Posted in Personal Growth, Romantic Blueprint | Comments Off
July 6th, 2011
Everyone is challenged sexually. If you open to this and your sex life becomes a place to develop intimacy, a place to learn and grow, then you have a perfect sex life and will experience it as such. In other words, then you will experience it pleasurably.
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If your goal is some type of perfection in terms of the way your sex life looks (to others or yourself), an ego goal, then you will not experience your sex life pleasurably. That is always an experience of sexual scarcity, no matter how much sex you are having and no matter how that sex goes.
Alicia and I have a perfect sex life not because of the 30 years of research into sexuality, extended orgasm and so on, but rather because we embrace our sex life as a place to grow together and experience new heights of pleasure together.
Singles often (secretly) find their sex life wrong because it rarely meets the quantity and quality that they would like. Couples (secretly) almost always have the same issue! |
If on the other hand you embrace your sex life, lean into it, use it as a place to learn and grow, instead of judging yourself about it, then you will find it perfect… and it will grow!
Tags: 15 minute orgasm, better sex, openness, Personal Growth, sexual pleasure
Posted in Having better sex, Sex | Comments Off
June 29th, 2011
This is our third in our woman’s appetite series. So now that we’ve learned something about a woman’s appetite and how to gratify that appetite, what does a perfect man woman interaction look like?
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Vic Baranco laid it out like this: her appetite then his production and then her consumption and gratification. If all those elements are met then that man woman cycle completes and completes pleasurably. This is incredible relationship advice. |
What is of particular note for us, for where we are at in this woman’s appetite series, is that she must consume and be gratified by his production in order for the cycle to complete and everyone to feel good.
She must not only digest it but she must enjoy it. This is mastery from a feminine perspective.
… It also allows her to steer his production far more effectively toward her desires, giving her exactly what she wants ; )
Tags: appetite, approval, attention, relationship advice
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
June 23rd, 2011
Last week we focused on a woman’s appetite. Now, what does it take to gratify that appetite. A good starting place is with the question “what does she want?”
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Vic Baranco, the famous sensuality researcher, used to say women want sex, food and baubles, in that order. What he meant was that relationship (including sex) is the foremost desire of women and necessities are second and extras are third. This is tremendously useful for men in realizing what women want and for women in having their desires as right.
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Women also want a lot, but may order short, for safety reasons. In other words, hedge her bet.
The key to gratifying a woman is realizing what she wants, that she wants a lot, and giving her everything that she wants… or perhaps barely less in order to gratify her appetite but not satisfy her appetite. It’s like leaving the dinner table before your stuffed; you’re looking forward to the next meal, yet you are gratified.
Tags: attention, happiness, relationship advice, relationship coaching
Posted in Man-Woman Dynamics, Relationship | 1 Comment »
June 14th, 2011
Women want what they want. This is obviously true, but often missed. Sometimes a woman will even miss or not know what she, herself, wants. What is even more often the case is that she knows what she wants but somehow doesn’t feel right or safe in expressing it. Her appetite for what she wants, her desire, is withheld or concealed.
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Feeling right about her appetite, at all levels, is the same as feeling right about herself. This seems somehow selfish or at least extremely vulnerable, so she hides it.
As she realizes her appetite, first by getting into agreement with it then by gratifying it, her femininity is expressed fully and perfectly.
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The result is infinitely greater pleasure for both sexes.
Tags: better sex, communication, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 5 Comments »
May 30th, 2011
Communication is synonymous with relationship. What else is a relationship besides ongoing communication?
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It is also synonymous with vulnerability. To communicate with someone is to open and expose yourself the them.
It is also synonymous with truth. For there to, in fact, be communication, truth must be present; otherwise it would be miscommunication.
The opposite is unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding.
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Unrelatedness, defensiveness and lying or withholding are not morally wrong. They just simply don’t work to be more related to someone, closer to them… to have a better relationship with them.
What a relationship actually is… is communication.
Would you be willing to put your cards on the table today?
Tags: communication, truth, vulnerability
Posted in How to relationship, Relationship | 3 Comments »
May 25th, 2011
Now let’s look at your relationship future. What is the quality of your future when you look at it?
You can immediately sense if your future is given by your blueprint, i.e. that it is predictable. Or perhaps your future blossoms from your being present now. In this case the future you imagine is more open, more organic.
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If you are present your future has a quality of or softness and openness, if you are not present it has a repetitious dull and dark quality.
Where you are now, or how you are now, determines your “now future”. This is where the future is created or lived from. The present gives the future.
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Your mind is always mapping out the future. That is the activity of mind. If you are in your blueprint/playbook now, in the presnt, you are going to map out what is in that blueprint. And that is what your future will look like.
If you are present then the map becomes very different and very secondary… and the future is bright.
Tags: blueprint, relationship advice
Posted in How to relationship, Personal Growth, Relationship, Romantic Blueprint | 6 Comments »
