The biggest mistake that people make in pick up is getting into a heady or dramatic space instead of doing what it takes to be present and from there being intentional about moving things forward.

Let’s start from a guy’s point of view. Do whatever you need to do to be feeling good (meditate, push ups, hot cold shower, etc.). Then know that your intention is to pick this woman up. Could be your wife, your girlfriend, a friend or someone you’ve never met; it doesn’t matter; your goal is to ‘get with’ that person at whatever level is possible in the given situation (a phone number, a drink, making out, sex, whatever).

From there, qualify her to see how open and willing she is. In other words, get a quick read by smiling at them or winking or something like that. Testing the waters should be a minimal investment of time and energy (a second or two), but obviously, can be a stronger qualification depending on the relationship. It’s probably fine to grab your wife’s ass and see how she responds but I wouldn’t do that with the waitress.

Respond to her positive or neutral responses with enthusiasm and moving the seduction along. Start the physical escalation right away, “Wow, you look awesome” or a gentle touch on the elbow, etc. Respond to negative reactions by backing off.

A variety of tests are likely to come a guy’s way, from deliberate tests to unconscious ambivalence. The variations of a woman’s resistance are endless and always morphing so I’m not going to go into that in detail, and only say if you are present and paying attention you can get a really good read if she is being mean, shy, distracted or has some other type of resistance running.

If it is a mean test, best to say nothing, don’t even respond to it, just look at your watch or do something like that. Do not comply; don’t take that bait. Don’t be a chump. You’ll often pass a mean test by simply ignoring it. If it really doesn’t feel good then give her a push, like “Wow, it’s late I’ve got to get going.” She may well warm up, in which case move to complementary quickly. Reward openness and warmth and turn on.

In fact, you can pass most tests by ignoring them. You don’t want to get swallowed up in that drama. Remember the biggest mistake that people make is getting heady or into some drama, and guys typically try to do everything through their heads. In picking a woman up being heady leads the guy right into the woman’s drama, ambivalence and so on (not to mention his own since he’s in his head). He has no power if his way of approaching her is mental. The goal for a guy is to turn the woman on, to physically escalate. That’s what she wants and what he wants.

The biggest asset a guy has is being directive while being extremely complementary. Be blown away by her and tell her what to do. Having said that, pace the interaction. Quickly determine how willing she is to comply and calibrate your directives, and your pushes & pulls accordingly. Usually that means small steps until things really heat up. Small steps, like a touch on the elbow or small of the back are more likely to be responded to well and if not going in reverse, pushing her away, is easily achieved. For example, you can just turn your body away for moment, read your watch, etc.

Probably the biggest place guys blow it is that they get “blown out” when the interaction starts heating up. This is some version of going unconscious and usually looks like talking less, being less directive, being less complementary, even running away just when things are starting to heat up. Instead, pick it up as things intensify! At a certain point the directives should be extreme, like “show me your ass” and so on. The point is keep giving the woman opportunities to say yes by being present to where she is at and giving her directives that are pleasurable and in the direction you both want to go. Lead.

From a woman’s point of view seduction is a largely different affair. The biggest mistake women make is too much resistance, endless testing, that kind of thing. It’s understandable that woman keep the sex switch on off most of the time, but the problem is that it tends to get rusty and stuck in that position. So ladies, set your intention to have fun and seduce the guy. You are not obligated to take it to any specific endpoint, but it is a really good idea to decide that if it is fun you are going to roll with it and see where it goes.

Instead of endless testing, better is to qualify the guy for things like his ability to be present, be romantic, lead sexually and his sexual skills. Qualifying is basically the same thing as testing, but it is deliberate, the person can actually pass the test, it’s not endless and it is quick. It is not chronic resistance, it’s not testing for failure. For example, smiling at a guy who you are attracted to (again this all applies no matter who well or not at all you know the person). You’ll instantly know if he is responsive. If he is responsive, say he smiles back and therefore passes that “test”, for god’s sake, move things forward, don’t pretend nothing happened. You can blush, smile again, any small gesture will do. Another simple qualifier to get a read on the guy is to tell him “I took a class about… romance or relationships or sex” (gauge it at whatever level you want) and see how he responds. Is he open and enthusiastic or does he know it all, etc.

If getting heady and dramatic are the biggest obstacles for people in seducing each other, and guys tend to go heady, for women it is the drama pitfall that tends to be her downfall. Both of these, heady and drama, are different versions of not being present and instead being in one’s ego/ relationship blueprint (the thoughts vs. emotions of it).

The alternative is to keep moving things forward. Women don’t usually want to be directive but that doesn’t mean you can’t be suggestive! That’s a woman’s way of leading the interaction and it is also her way of qualifying the guy for his ability to respond to where she is at. Since women have the pussy power, touches, complements and turning on, will work wonders. Remember this is seducing someone, not a therapy session, i.e. physically escalate. If the guy is super slow or offensive and really doesn’t qualify for fun then be glad you found out and cut bait. Just be careful that you are not testing for failure, in other words, endlessly giving the guy hard tests and when he fails being right about it.

Leading the interaction from a woman’s point of view is simply being suggestive. Qualify instead of testing for failure. Watch out for the drama trap, which for women usually boils down to some type of questioning her own value and from there leads to all kinds of insecurity and defensiveness. In seduction, skip all that, practice presence and move things toward where you want them to go. There is plenty of time in life to work out the emotional issues and wounds instead of unconsciously acting them out while you are trying to get with someone.

Here’s a list of the key concepts in seduction for men and women:
1. Do whatever it takes to be present
2. Qualify over and over (vs. test for failure)
3. Don’t be attached
4. Move things forward and only when necessary backwards
5. Don’t fall in to the head or drama trap: stay concentrated on what you are doing
6. Physically escalate
7. Be complementary
8. Be directive or suggestive
9. Pace the interaction: increasing the directives and suggestiveness as things heat up
10. Go for it!

Stay up to date on events and cutting edge advice for an incredible love life.